Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done What do I make of this -- Part 3

Just, Good to hear from you again. As always, I appreciate your input and agree with your observations.

Actually, this all started because she called me about something going on in her life and during that conversation I joked about me still being owed that dinner her and I talked about way back. So, it started from there. Not exactly her initiating; but when she came to me about her other issue, she said we could do that. So, I met up with her one day and took a day trip to Boston. We had a good time, talked lightly, etc. and made a plan to go back for dinner after the 1st of the year.

After that, I had dropped the kids off at her house. She was working and asked me to come by to check out sonmething on her car. Yes, this involved a fear of something to do with the old boyfriend/affair. Anyway, she spilled more stuff to me that night and I told her that I was here for her. She replied, in a guilty way, crying, that maybe I shouldn't be though. I told her that I cared alot for her and that I would love to work on things with her and that we could take it from there if she was willing. She nodded that she was and I said that we would eventually, have alot to talk about. So, that is how it started and then it snowballed into meeting quite a bit for lunch or coffe break at her work. Pretty much the only times available for her and I to meet. Well, I just felt like maybe it was becoming too much and that as much as I wanted to see her and see where it might go, that she wasn't getting a break from me and enough time to miss me. Without that, it can never possibly go forward. Not that it will. My thing is, that as you say, if she is only looking for a friendship, that made it clear I wanted more and she never has had a problem saying that is all it can be. For me, she is either using me until something else comes along (I don't believe that to be the case, as she has other people she could hang with instead of me during those times.) the other is that an uncertainty, a fear of having made mistakes or fear of losing some of the new found freedom she has. She still is in that mode of wanting to be out there with the coworkers, many half her age. Not going to places that are conducive to meeting men. Why? I don't know.

I know it may never work; but I guess after being out there in the dating world and not having much success, that I took a break and this opportunity when it arose. Problem is that she needs to want it too and realize that I may not be there. Also, that I am not the one to come to with her problems if she does not want me in her life that way. Especially, if it has to do with the affair!!!

I care very much for her (not sure if it is love right now); but I also not going to wait forever. Just that I figured this is one of the first times that she has given an inch and that maybe she is thinking; but unsure or afraid.

As far as her dating someone. Sure, it would hurt. Why wouldn't it? I do know this, however, that I have made great improvements in myself and that will benefit whoever I am with in the future. I am a better, more understanding person today than before. It would be nice for her to want that; but she may never want that. My mom had a friend who recently died of cancer and she always hung with people half her age and never came out of what I call her Midlife crisis!!! Maybe my ex won't either and that will be a detriment to our children. My stepson told me recently, that he wishes that we were all back in our old house together. That made me hapy that he loved me; but also cry because I couldn't fix that for him.

My BIL also said that she is enjoying her life with the new job, freedom, etc.; but that I shouldn't assume that the family members are in her corner and that they dislike me...no matter how it looks.

In the end, I would love for us to all be together; but you know what I miss after having her or someone in my life? My kids, my neices and nephews and my bil's and sil's.

I recall her saying to me over the past year: Why didn't you do that years ago. Well, obviously she sees some changes that is positive; but maybe she is living with her guilt of what she told them I was so she could have her affair. He was recently blackmailing her with pictures and I am one of the only people who know this.

Anyway, it will hurt, if it goes nowhere and I know that it more than likely won't, unless she wants it too. But I also know, as much as it hurts, that I did my best to be a better me and to try to put it back together. It doesn't ease the pain; but it does make me a better stronger person.

I long for the day that I have that someone that I can share my thoughts, my life with. If it is her fantastic and it also solves the family being split. If not, then I will be happy with that new person. I just will always hate that my family is split into pieces and that my kids have to pay for our issues.

Blue, thanks for the kind words. I have few women friends who wish there husbands would be as involved in their kids lives as I try to be. And they fear for me; but commend me on trying to see if it can be worked out. for me, it's a no-brainer. It's worth the shot and as far as the kids. Well, they are my kids and I love them and miss them everyday.

I do try to keep busy; but the 2 closest friends I have are married and so we meet up for small periods of time; but not enough to keep me busy. The other people I have made acquaintances with along the way are all women. tha thas been that way for me all my life. I like the guy things to do and such; but never felt comfortable hanging with alot of guys. I find most are just in it for sex, etc. Not that I don't enjoy or miss that !!! But, I want more than that. I want a relationship again. A chance to make it better than the one i had before regardless of who it is.

Anyway, maybe she doesn't care enough; but I go between that and knowing how she never has had a tough time saying I don't care or care in the way you want. What I see, and I could be wrong, is a woman and my BIL concurs, who is enjoying this new found freedom and the built in baby sitter every weekend that allows her to go out and paint the town. As my BIL said, she is trying to get back her 20's again. I guess she felt that when she got pregnant with my stepson, that she never got to do what she wanted. Guaranteed, not my fault; because it happened before her and I got married; but call it a midlife crisis, whatever, she needs to go through it. I know she may never come out of it or come out the same; but my issue is more how long to hold on to the possibility and still have a life.

I have to keep living life and try; but it's hard at my age and friends and their families all busy. I told my friend the other day that one of the things I enjoed the most was hanging at his house with his wife and another couple. the only thing missing was me having someone there to enjoy it with too.

I also enjoy seeing bands play, as I am very much into music; but noone I am friends with wants to go or can afford to go. So, Just, if you are reading this, I do try to live a life without her; but alone is real tough.

Tman,

I, too, have been divorced...my H lives now with the OW.
However, I love my freedom, now, it's quite relaxing.

Do, however, continue, seeing other people...do not wait.
She does seem like her R with you is limited...just friends
so to speak...if anything should progress, usually, it does
not...then you will make a decision. Please, do not put
yourself on hold...seek out another love interest.

You sound wonderful...you probably won't be out there for
long...just don't wait.

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement. I am not perfect...close though!!! lol

Anyway, I have had quite a few people tell me that I seem like a nice person; but your comment about not being out there long...Unfortunately, I have been out here since July of 2004 and have only met 2 people that I liked and those went well for few dates and then no contact??? I've gotten very discouraged and disillusioned. And obviously, if I had a chance to put my family back together and be happy with my ex, that is what I would choose.

If another person comes along then great; but so far meeting anyone is difficult and when I do, they have tons of issues that prevent a relationship!!! :-(

We'll see what happens. I just get bored of everyday life. Nothing ever changes like it did when I had my wife and kids around.

Tm

How about joining a club, sports, anything you like, to meet new people?

Yeah, I agree it's hard...there are a lot of strange people
out there...but we tend to digress back to something we
feel comfortable with...that also keeps us from moving
forward. I think, there's no one that can compete with
what I had...but what I had, were lies, etc.

It seems scary to be involved with someone new...but I now
look at it as, I'm more experienced in life, so I won't
accept anything less, than what I had.

Someone posted, not too long ago:

When one door closes, don't keep looking at it too long,
because you will not see the other doors that open.

It was very shocking to read...but it's true...just don't
hold back yourself b/c you're hoping there might be some
kind of a sign from your XW.

That is selling yourself short...

that isn't what i holding me back. I have met a few people I have had interest in; but then it just fizzles with no explanation. Kind of discouraging to not just throw in the towel.

As far as my ex, alot would have to change on her part too if it were to go anywhere. I took my stepson to th orthodontists today and we had a talk. He is aggravated at having to come home each day and watch the kids so that mom can go off to work or whatever. I don't blame him. It's great that she has an escape like work; but at the expense of the children and their upbringing? Immature if you ask me. None of our divorce was necessary. But she found i easier to fall into the arms of someone else, who in the end doesn't care about her and uses people. She knows that now, as she was getting blackmailed with evidence of things she had done with him :-(

Hell, I would forgive and work onthings; but as my stepson says without knowing those details, that it isn't his decision or mine to fix. He knows it lies with his mom, who seems to concentrate on her being happy and having fun more than our family or kids. Don't get me wrong she does things with the kids and they love her; but alot of times I feel that the caring, loving mature parent she was is now replaced by someone who feels an entitlement to their own life regardless. For me, I would love that too; but any relationship I may have in the future must work for my children too!!!

I used to try and get her to go out and enjoy things with me and when we didn't, it made me angry and question why??? I still don't understand why the things I used to ask her to do, she now does. However, they are without me and with these "newfound friends" (i.e. coworkers half her age. SHe has already been burnt by one who hung out with her because she was 41 and the girl was in her mid 20's. the girls thinking was that she could meet gus easier with someone older not being in the way; but a young guy actually talked to my ex and it po'ed the girl off. My ex sees everyone elses behavior as immature, wrong; but never looks at her own actions. Her affair, was the other persons fault and she just got sucked in. She doesn't tkae responsibility for her actions and buries them. Gets emotional for a day or 2 and then they are buried and the blame is placed on others.

Yes, I wish she would come out of that fog and talk and listen...really talk and listen. Maybe then we could fix it and for our family. It's sad that I want to be a part of their lives everyday and would be; but for visitation. And my ex worries about the next time she can go out with "friends".

I do wish I could find someone who is wonderful and willing to work on lifes ups and downs (She said that in her profile!!! If true, then look I am right here!!! lol)

Seems like most of those types are happily married or they are scared to trust again.

I keep pluggin along; but it is discouraging. Especially when you stepson says he dislikes his dad and wishes we were still together as a family. She just doesn't see our kids problems. Even my stepson does and feels bad and he is only 15!!!

Doing okay; but still lost!!! I just wish I could figure out how to let go and still let it have a chance. I stil lwant to get together with her if she wants to; but not as often as we were doing. I want to stop chasing her but still go and do stuff and maintain contact. I just am trying to get direction.

Quote:

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I just wish I could figure out how to let go and still let it have a chance.

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It's my opinion that you only have a chance IF you let go. She'll come to you or not, of her own volition, when she wants to, not because you keep contact open. Know why she pines after the OM and not you? Because she can't have him anymore. You she could have at the snap of her fingers. How exciting is that?

Me

Just, She doesn't pine after the OM. From everything I can see that is done; but it was me she came to when issues arose. As much as that was good, it also was bad. I don't want to be her safety net for problems unless I am part of her life.

Saw her this morning and she was not super talkative, when I picked up my stepson; but I chalked it up to being early.

Anyway, went to my youngest sons karate class to which she brought him. Again not that talkative. Like pulling teeth to talk. Kind of aggravated me. I really wantedto fix this; but at this point, like my stepson said...she's selfish. I can't fix that; but it hurts to feel like the only adult in this whole mess. I mean my kids deserve a better life than they have. A parent who doesn't live with them and wants to be there and watch them grow and can't because the visitation schedule says so. ANd the other who wants to relive her 20's, find herself, have an affair and not let anyone know that it happened; but me. etc. All this at the expense of her kids who she just doesn't see as hurting from this. I am truly worried that they will grow up with bad ideals from living with her unless she changes. I still have faith in her that she will eventually figure it out. Maybe more faith than I should have. I guess I honestly believe that all the improvements I did on myself and the fact taht she has come out of taht adulterous relationship and gotten a job would eventually bring her back to earth and the realization that life ins't perfect. It requires work and that she and I made a mistake in divorcing. (BTW, her choice not mine). I hate these ups and downs; but was accepting them in the knowledge that things take time. Maybe I am so wrong about all of this and if taht is true, I will never be with my children again and she will continue to work and neither parent will be there to tuck the kids in. That sucks for them to grow up that way.