Well, the nastiness continues!!! It's like a switch got thrown last Sunday. We talked last Sunday about what had happened on her job and I listened like a friend; but then once she talked about that, she went nasty and has stayed that way since!!! I am sad; but don't need this. I really thought more of her than this. I can't live with someone who gets controlled by others. Acts one way and then almost like a split personality, goes 180!!! I mean I would think, regardless, that if you din't want to pursue a relationship, that all the work of getting along just doesn't totally stop and then turn so opposite!!! I assume she is split personality, or lost or something. I( mean, it is immaturity.
Like I have said before, I just hate that my kids will be influenced by a family like hers. Belve me, I don't want my kids influenced by my mom either!!! My mom is a nice person; but she is too strict in my mind.
My ex talks about them controlling her and then does nothing!!! Hey her problem; but I hate that the kids get this too. She claims about splitting with me, "I finally grew a pair of b**ls. Not really; because you fear telling your parents about the affair, the tattoo and going for a drink after work instead of coming home. Instead, telling them she had to work late!!! Me, I am a 40+ adult and I thought she was too. As much as I appreciate my parents help at times, they and I know it is my life to do as I need. That is the diff between her and I. She thinks she makes her decisions; but it is her family who does. For me, I know I make mine. I take parents and friends advice and process it and then make a decision on what I think I should do.
Yes, sad that I probably won't be a success story in the respect of fixing a relationship; but I know that I can look myself and my kids in the mirror and say I (Dad) tried. My daughter misses me beingthere daily. I just hope as she and the others get older, that they realize I care and am there for them and I don't lose them to her.
I still believe in all the principles of the book and this site!!! I would always recommend this method and tell others to try like I did regardless of the outcome!!!
You have expectations of what she should or should not do based on your own perceptions of what a 40+ adult would do. You expect that since you spend so much time together that you would necessarily move to the next level. These expectations aren't met and you are upset about it.
The other part is that you can't accept that this is the way she is and the way it is probably going to be even if you were together again. Can you really accept her for how she is now? If this is the real her and how she will always be, can you overlook it and just accept her without judgement?
Even back together I find that my expectations still get in the way and it's hard to learn to accept some things. Just worry about the things you can control; you'll be much happier for it and so will she because she won't have to face your judgement.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I hear you; but I think what bothers me is that at her age, she claims that control issues bother her; but she still continues to let her family control her. Mine might give their opinion or advice; but never try to influence my decisions. My decisions are mine. That she allows herself to be controlled by them, is not something I can live with if that is the way it will be. So, to answer your question, no I cannot have her act the way she is as far as letting others make decisions for her. To me, that is immaturity. The very thing she claims to want to be rid of is the very thing she allows to happen.
And this is evidenced by her sudden change in attitude towards me because of a conversation her parents had with her??? You don't go from caring and doing things together and such to cold turkey and meanness unles you allow others to control you. That is okay though...my focus is on my kids making it through this.
Frank
P.S. Being civil and getting along, as we were doing doesn't just fall apart because of a conversation her parents had with her. We were getting along fine. So, there is no reason to, at least not still maintain that; but she has not allowed that to happen???
Well, let's see. Went to workout yesterday by myself; because for the forseable future, my stepson will not be going to workout, as he has gotten himself in trouble and also as the ex says, the weather is nicer. Not sure how not having him workout is a good thing; but??? (BTW, I was going to swim yesterday; but when I got there, my ex was already there and so to avoid her I worked out instead of swimming. I do miss that, though, even from the workout of her pushing me to keep up. )
On another front, I have this woman who I went out with on Sunday. We had been trying to get together for a couple of weeks and finally did. And she wants to see me again and I had a good time; but I am not sure what to do about it. I waited to meet soemone else; but I don't want to rush into anything and so I have the dilemma of how to respond to that fact that she probably wants more than I do right now. I just don't want to use anyone or end up in a relationship that goes nowhere. However, I am afraid that I will push someone I might actually like, away because of these fears or whatever you want to call them.
I find that when I saw my ex the last few times, that she has pushed me to a point where I can look at her and be less hung up on her; but I still have some feelings. I just know I deserve better than I got recently. I tried to get to a point where we could fix things or at least talk of the possibility; but then her family got involved and it all went south.
ANyway, I find that I don't want to be alone; but when something does come along in the form of a date, etc. I hate that it may end up cutting into my "free time". It's a catch 22...I am lonely for that companionship; but unwilling to accept it unless it is like "WOW" I really, really like this person. I guess I am indifferent lately. I feel bad; but I need to get back to this woman, who likes me; but I don't know what to say to her. SHe called me yesterday, emailed me and called me today and told me to read my email. Basically, she wants to go out again and I just don't know.
Part of me is ready; but I don't want soemthing to start out of loneliness!!!
Damn that ex of mine and her family. If she just could have stood up to them like she claims she has done with me then maybe we would have had a shot. I despise that her family talked her out of going out with me recently. Yes, she decided to let them influence her and no I wouldn't want someone who doesn't want to be there or love me back; but it still affects me.
Well, just another vent session. I just want all this indifference and the way I am feeling to end before I push away someone I might actually like!!!
I just don't want to hurt anyone else or myself by doing the wrong thing; but I also need to keep moving forward. This is hard!!! lol
Not that this has anything to do with divorcebusting; but I had to add this to my previous post!!! I have the kids for Easter and I don't know why I thought my parents would be around; but they won't be. As usual, my mom makes it a point to go to my aunts for the holidays instead of staying and being with her grandchildren My dad spoke up to her about this years agoa when I was still married. He told her that my aunt stayed home because she now had grandchildren and Now my parents did too; but as usual, my mom decides that she might have an hour or so; but she has to go to my aunts house. I think she gets selfish and I was willing to cook and have her over; but she has to go to my aunts!!! This vreated alot of strees for me during my marriage and still does. Once again, I will have to listen to my ex say why didn't you just let them come home earlier to see their cousins. I tend to agree. My kids will end up liking her family better because mine are never around. That stinks that my family will make it hard for me to maybe have my kids want to be with me during the holidays. Don't get me wrong, I don't enjoy her mom's way of controlling; but I am so sick of trying to please everyone. Like I said it caused me alot of stress and helped ruin our marriage and now I can't fix any of it!!!
Well, I am supposed to go to a skaiting show wiht my daughter and my ex. Really thought my ex would bail on me for some reason. The actuallity is that she is getting a hard time from her mom. So, she ended up asking me if I wanted our daughter to take a friend instead. I told her it didn't matter; but originally I had bought them because we all enjoyed watching the skating and our daughter would want both of us to go. However, the only thing I told my ex was that it's pretty sad taht your mom still tries to control what you do. Either she will watch the other kids or not while we take our daughter. I even told her that I could get someone else to watch and she told me that she would catch alot of flak if she were to use someone other than her parents. (This is a good part of why we are aoart and why I stressed all the time. I don't like having someone control my family when we have to people who are adults [her and I]...Well, at least me!!! lol) Anyway, not sure what is going to happen; but my ex and kids will always have no life until my ex stands up to her mom. If anyone else comes along, they better be wimpy; because if they aren't, my ex-MIL will drive them crazy or drive then away!!!
Well, just thought I would post an update. Things are going okay for me...Well, as good as can be. However, I have a dilemma. I have a woman who wants to meet me and another that has a daughter that plays baseball with my son. I have spoken to both and obviously met the one who is at the ballgames. That presents a dilemma, as they both see me as a nice guy and I am not sure which, if any I like better. Also, now throw in an uncertainty about my ex. Was picking up the kids the other day and she, I and the kids got messing around and stuff and it was nice...not sure if it was anything; but when I left, my ex said how that if any women from work were to ask her about going for a drink, that she was going to go from now on and get a life. This is in rebellion to her parents control I am sure; but how will this be any different than before with them??? I know not my problem. But here is the rub. WHen she said that, I jokingly said so, want to have sex one more time? Her eply was jokingly, "U aren't the right gender!!!" I said why r u really a lesbian? She then said what do u think? I said no and she agreed. Never said no to the offer though!!! lol
And she has been nicer and talking to me and thankin me at times. Not that this means anything; but I think she is jealous of me talking to those other women and such. But I will not use the others and that is what confuses me. Is there hope that she will stand up for herself once and for all and want to talk about us??? Not sure; but I want to ask her that.
Any thoughts on my stupidity for even thinking this way???
I would hold off dating for a while. You sound like you are still interested in your Ex. Think if you were to start dating now, it might confuse the issue. What do you think?
First off there are a few women who I really liked and would like to ask out and then there are others that I feel are just ok and would fill time; but nothing more. A distraction from the Ex; but the others I mentioned would make me forget about the ex.
Well, the additional inf? I went online to match.com and did a search and who low and behold came up as the first search amtch; but a new member...MY EX!!!
Anyway, it's sad; because we match up on alot of the criterion...So, why are we divorced??? I can't just wait for her, as obviously she is definitely moving on...Sad; because she at times still sends mixed signals.
I have a wider distance for my search in terms of miles, so she comes up first...for her, she has a shorter distance, so I may not come up on her radar!!! However, she will know I am on there and know about her because I viewed her and that shows up to her.
Well, kind of sad about it; but she has every right to be on there as we are divorced. Just a bit sad; because I thought that if she was going to be on there it would have happened before now. The fact taht we match just drives me nuts and wonders if she is missing the boat or if the site is missing the compatibility???
Well, I will see where life goes...It was just a shock to see that new member at midnight last night!!!
My advice is to date these women. You don't have to be exclusive to just one until you are sure which one you like the best. I know it clouds the issue with your ex-W, but you are divorced and you do need to move forward with your life. Your XW's wants, considerations, and what she is going to do are things you can't control. She has to do that.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
