Joint pains are a common complaint in hypothyroid patients, and yes, sometimes nasal allergy symptoms seem to be related as well. (Hives can also be related to thyroid disease, btw.)
Google Mary Shomon - she has an excellent site on About.com for thyroid sufferers. She's a little controversial, because she's not a physician but just a lay patient advocate, but she has put up some pretty good info.
A good book is The Thyroid Solution by Ridha Arem M.D.
Quote: Meanwhile - I give you the same advice. You have got to switch his attention from OW to home by introducing novelty, flirting with him, sending him funny emails during the day so he has something else to think about and look forward to, introducing novelty into your life with him so he wonders what he'll find each night when he goes home.
Ellie and Mollie and Always 14, and anyone and everyone else: I hate to sound dull and dense, but I swear I could use any ideas anyone has to share....I am kinda running out of things to try here...I do lots of candles, some music...try to fix foods he really likes, be upbeat, provocative (when s13 isn't around, which isnt often) get him little gifts and treats, have left cards and notes (although I don't do it all the time, because I think it could become obnoxious).... Don't think I ever posted, but I did do the "fail proof" outfit...black leather jacket, white shirt, boot cut jeans...I'm not sure what he thought of it, but his comment was that monster has a jacket about like it. ouch, guess I shoulda known.
Haven't posted to you for awhile, but I continue to follow your sitch...
My opinion here may not be popular, but it seems to me that your DH is going to cogitate and oscillate back and forth between you and the OW because he KNOWS that YOU will put up with it and will always be there to fall back on....wonder what would happen if that were to change a bit?
My sitch wasn't nearly as intense as yours, but my H didn't pull his head out of his backend until I gave the impression that I was DONE waiting around.
I also find it hard to imagine that this is EVER going to be over if he has to SEE her on a daily basis. I personally think this is what has kept the scenario going for sooooo long.
I don't know if you are up for ultimatums, as you must always be ready for the answer you didn't want, but if I were gonna issue one, him changing jobs to get away from her would be the one I would be soooooo tempted to issue.
I know, bad d'bing...but I swear, my sitch didn't turn around until I decided that the limbo I was in was worse than any thing else could possibly be.
After going through the whole waiting thing, I don't think I'd do it again. I certainly don't believe anything is done either until the two of them aren't seeing each other anymore.
I really believe at this point in my life, and I've changed a lot over the past few years...if H wanted someone else, I'd leave and cut off all contact. It would save me a lot of the pain I put myself through - and if he would want to make a bad choice, he'd have to live with the results. I think that hanging on just pushes them away.
I don't think that Deb should necessarily kick him out, but she needs to get her own life in a big way. And perhaps at some point, it is time to say "it's me or her". If he chose OW, then it's not a lifetime thing - he'd finally figure out that she is nothing but a tramp. And Deb could find someone who isn't going to make her life miserable, or she could take him back if he came groveling.
ok, weekend update: We finally got the kids pretty much moved into their house, and theyve been there for 2 nights, there was an almost audible sigh of relief in our house. I believe it will help, but I'm not sure how much of H's current "stuff" is related to them being there. At one point he was complaining about them driving him nuts because they seem to be incapable of putting stuff back when they use it (this was caused by the 2 of us looking for 20 minutes for 1 of 3 pairs of tweezers that should have been in the master bath, never did find even one, and I finally bought another pair), and he commented that "maybe I'm ocd, but it just drives me nuts, I have to have stuff where it's supposed to be"...yes, I believe he is kinda OCD, always have, have just learned to live with it by staying out of his stuff and putting mutual stuff in it's assigned place. Anyway, he commented what a relief it was to have them moved, that now we can get our house back...then something tiny came up, don't even recall what, and he got upset, saying "it's not over yet" in reference to the strain of having them live with us....I don't even remember what brought that on. At one point he was talking about how miserable he was/is, and said in tears "I don't know what's wrong with me"....he was really down and distraught. All this was on Saturday, by yesterday he was much more cheerful. I know he's concerned about work, as his "hours" are down (has to meet a quota)...so I'm sure that weighs heavily.
At one point in discussion, I commented that I just wanted to be able to enjoy our life together and have fun, and he said "I'm not able to have fun yet"....I have no clue what that means. He also commented "you've been very kind, I don't know what i'd have done without it and i sure appreciate it"...not sure what that means, either. Doesnt sound like something you'd tell your wife....
mentioned monster of course, that she acused him of being such a liar, that he'd said they'd be together...and then he shoots back to her that she's a liar also, that she never told him she was a wh--e. DUH to both of them, but anyway, I don't know if this is past or recent....probably much more recent than it should be. I did find out that he didnt send the request to her supervisor to go through the supervisor for client care issues, which I understood him to say he had...monster didnt want him to because it would make her look bad....so he didnt...duh again. Oh, yeah, evidently he forwarded her personal ad to her with a note asking "how many more" when he found it last week....said he didnt hear back.
OBVIOUSLY he is so wrapped up in her emotionally still. The whole damn thing drives me nuts. I think he's nuts....I mean, what is it with him that he can't GET OVER IT ALREADY? WHY is it so important to him to feel that he was so special to her? Obviously, she's the one with a long history of guys on every corner... oh yeah, he even emailed her some quotes from "not just friends" about how early sexual involvement effects ability for later monogamouse relationships...I'm sure this was within the last couple of months.
He mentioned how monster used to call him every lunch hour to check up on him, I commented I should call him, and he said 'dont" emphatically, gave me this song and dance about now they have rules about no lunch hour phone calls. ????this did not please me, of course.
H was talking about how he thought God must have shown him monster's personal ad, that he prays that God will give him strength when he feels weak (which of course means he was ) and that whenever he prays that, it seems that with out fail God sends something to shore him up. Thank you God! but still, I can't help but wonder if he will EVER get through this.
OK, I just did get an email, starting with "Hi Sweetness", and with ILY's in it, talking about his schedule filling up surprisingly well, and a co-worker being upset about getting ringworm from her kitten. So, that helps me feel better.
H did comment this morning that he thinks we're "better than we ever have been"....I'd probably agree if he wasnt so easily upset and would go out and do some stuff.
I REALLY need ideas for fun ways to "change up" our life! I'd even take outlines for flirty emails is how desparate I am....
I had to emails this am, none this afternoon, he did say this morning the secretary made calls and got 4 appointments set up...I havent checked the schedule.
I am just so frazzled, I almost wonder if I'd have been better off if I'd just thrown in the towel.
You know, Deb, the OCD thing is an interesting point. Obviously, having the kids living with you would be a huge strain for him with his OCD tendencies. (BTW, if he's willing to semi-admit it, I wouldn't be surprised if he really does have some form of OCD. Besides the tidiness, does he have other OCD traits? Numbers, tapping, phobias?)
But another thought I had is this: you see, my son with the mild Tourette's (OCD, ADD and tics) will get really "stuck" on an idea. It could be resentment over getting spacers at the orthodontist (because he'll be getting braces soon and it means he can't eat his favorite gummy bears right now) or some perceived injustice or whatever. Normal kid stuff, except a normal kid would grouse about it and then MOVE ON. S14 will perseverate, I can see the thought is cycling around and around in his brain without extinguishing the way it normally should. And no amount of trying to argue him out of it or rationalize things to him will help - the only thing that works is distraction.
Could it be that, in your H's case, thoughts of the OW are repetitively cycling in an OCD way - that is, the thoughts are intrusive and repetitive and don't "shut off" after a few spins like they would in a normal person? Although it is normal for a WAS to have trouble letting go of the OP, and we both know she's doing everything she can to hook him back in - it seems to me that in his case, there might be an oCd quality to the obsession with her. If that's so - all this talking with him about her and trying to rationally argue your point with him may not only be fruitless, but may escalate the problem. Maybe it would be better if you can try to (not too obviously) distract him and redirect the conversation when she comes up?
Plus - you keep reporting how often he emails you. YOU need to email him. Send him light, funny emails (if you are not on the receiving end of those, go to sites like ebaum's world to find stuff). And flirty emails. Short, sweet, light.
hmmmm, Ellie, I never really thought about the ocd connection...but yes, I have seen some other compulsive things, but never thought too much about it because it didnt interfere w/ability to function...but yes, he is so obsessed with everything being in it's place, it can drive him to anger when it's not. Several years ago, I would watch him go to the front door every night and check to see that it was locked, over and over and over again....he wants his clothes put away in a certain way, I dont' even do the laundry because he insists it's done a certain way...which is fine by me, I hate it anyway, so I just let it go, but he is very picky about it. And he tends to be a hoarder....it wasnt very long ago that he tossed the papers he wrote in college, undergrad as well as grad school, and clothes that he'd had since the 70's. I guess I never made the connection, it never occured to me. He also has a mind for details that sometimes amazes me, and hates change in his environment of any type.
That would certainly throw a new wrench in the mixture, wouldnt it? AND of course you're right, monster's doing every darn thing she can to keep herself firmly planted in his mind,from whining about her horrible health problems (interesting, no mention of them on her personals ad!) to tidbits about all her D's struggles, to her mother's health problems for Gods sake!
I wonder if there would be a way to ask him about the obsessions? Or maybe just focus more on distraction/displacement.
I'll check out the website you mentioned for email ideas. I did just get an email from him, that made some sexual suggestions. I emailed back that his naught idease were getting me all stirred up and I might have to see if something could be done about it later. actually, I don't think i ever mentioned it but 2 weeks ago we had a really racy running email convo., so maybe there are some "good things" happening some of the time in that area.
Wish there was something I could slip in his coffee to take care of the ocd stuff!
Checking, hoarding - sounds pretty oCd to me! A great book is The Boy Who Wouldn't Stop Washing by Rappoport - easy to read and really describes a lot of the different types of OCD behaviors.
just had an email asking if I'd put some beer in the fridge for him when I get home because he thinks he's gonna need a cold one tonight. Damn, that generally means he's been fighting with monster. And now they just paged her. I hate having to listen to that.
) and that whenever he prays that, it seems that with out fail God sends something to shore him up. Thank you God! but still, I can't help but wonder if he will EVER get through this. 
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