O.K., I'm laughing right along with you guys here...in my apt. after the marital home I had a closet SO BIG it was like a little room! I kept the kitty boxes in there and had room to stand up straight under all the shelves. It was heaven!
I'm glad you have a patio for flowers and such. I really missed that when I was in the apt.
I also think you are dealing with your son perfectly by letting him be whatever part of moving that he wants to be.
FWIW, your H's L sounds like a real piece of work and I don't think his antics will be beneficial. Nobody, including a judge respects a big blow hard. Kudo's on your L selection.
Today and tomorrow..moving what I (we) can. My 'helpers' have seemed to pretty much vanished. I need pickup truck or movers to finish with the big stuff. Got alot of the smaller/lighter things over today. But have heavy furniture, etc. left to do..plus some VERY heavy boxes. Hopefully s23 will get one of his friends to help tomorrow yet. After that, back to work I go, and won't have another day off till Easter .
Took my mom over (she helped move some of the stuff. (For 74, she's one h@ll of a worker) She only 'criticized' one thing, and she was 100 % right...cheap cupboard doors. But all in all, she didn't think it was too bad at all.
Don't know when the complete move will be made, but hopefully not before too long. It's hard on a person having part of your 'house' one place, and the rest at the 'other' place.
The boys were at the place they DJ at this last weekend. Saw their dad and Twinkie there, like usual. (I swear, all they seem to do is be at bars on weekends). S23 said at one point, Twinkie left and didn't come back, and H stayed there by himself at table talking to a buddy of his. Hmmmmm...seems the newness must be aging a little. I would have thought he would have left with her if she didn't want to stay. I wonder how he feels now that its the humdrum of everyday life..working with her, living with her..being with her day and night..with no break. And seemingly partying every weekend. I wonder if the stress of the upcoming settlement agreement session is bothering him at all. I know it's on my mind. I can't believe he wouldn't be concerned himself. Neither of us should be taking too much for granted. Anyway, I told both sons that from now on, they needn't fill me in on these things. It's really none of my business how their dad spends his time, and with whom. It's his life..I need to keep moving on with mine, and not thinking too much of what is going on with his. I pray for him everynight. There's nothing else/more that I can do. I figure someone praying for him is the best thing he's got going right now, and he doesn't even know it.
It's strange in this house now, with so much cleaned out. I know when I went over to the apartment today, I kind of looked around and thought 'this isn't a house'. I don't know what set that thought off, but I thought, how long will I be HERE. Like, is the rest of my life going to be lived in someone elses building? Will I ever have a home of my own again? It's hard, as many of you know. 22 years in the same home...and poof....your life changes in so many ways.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
How empty your house must look; sort of like the marriage that has been emptied by the WAS and his poor choices.
Yes, it is true that apartments don't look or feel like a home but it can turn into one. You can make it comfortable and home; you need to fill it with those new memories of your future with your mom and your sons. Yep, it is yet another round of extra effort but your kids and mom are worth it. We did live in an apartment in another state in 2000 and '01. I felt it was a chance to live more simply...not so much stuff to clutter up the cabinets and closets....But we had small closets there. Also, it was so nice not to have to worry about lawns, weeds, leaves and snow. You will get spoiled very quickly And that is a good thing.
Best Wishes to you,
NLF
I am barreling down the divorce trail right behind you. Tomorrow I will be getting an offer on our home and hopefully we will be closing on May 10th.
You must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will then be powerless to vex your mind. ---Leonardo da Vinci
Recap. House closing is May 1st. I've been in the house by myself since H left 5/04. H filed 2/05, and got apt. Lived with 'mommy' before that, and now lives with Twinkie. H has made very little moves, or done very little work in getting this D on track. So much so that the court stepped in and scheduled a pretrial conference for Jan 18. H asked for a postponment till house would hopefully be sold..settlement not possible until then (???). Halfways threatened that he'd have to 'protect' himself if I went ahead with Jan meeting the court set up. I figured I was still covered under his better health insurance, and I had a roof over my head, so postpone it. House sold.
Now..with the house sold, H still hasn't made any effort, other than to call me and ask if I would sit down with him to come up with something more 'fair' to both of us (meaning to him). I told him that the lawyers were suppose to talk and work that out...I would not agree to anything without my attorney present.
Now, through all of this, there has been very little communication between the lawyers, and I believe very little communication between H and his lawyer. More and more, I think this is H and his lawyers way of making ME spend the money by having my L do the work that needs to be done before the closing (all the paperwork that needs to be checked, etc.). Plus getting the necessary information needed from H (financial end of it), etc. Hs lawyer has made no effort to take the lead in any of this.
Things HAVE to be done a certain way, and in a certain time frame when you're talking about the sale of a house..granted. Since I'm the one that's been living in the house, I'm the one that's being put in a less than comfortable position. H has been living in his apartment, all settled in, for the better part of a year. I've been trying to sort through things, toss things, clean out almost 30 years of family..and basically doing it myself, while working fulltime.
I'm not afraid of going to court, although it would probably clean me out of any equity from the house. I've got the feeling that that is what Hs lawyer is trying to do. Drain me of resources by having my L do all this work, by him not doing a damn thing.
Somehow, since this divorce was all Hs idea, shouldn't it be him and his lawyer that is responsible for getting all the necessary paperwork lined up for the closing???? Am I missing something here??
Any ideas how to make sure this doesn't continue after the house closing? I know that my L put in his correspondence that he is going to ask that court to have my H pay some of these legal fees. And I hope the court sees that I had to pay for services that should have been paid by my H to his lawyer to carry out.
I can't for the life of me figure out what H figures he's going to gain by doing this to BOTH of us. Why couldn't he have just done everything that was necessary when he filed, and got this over with last year. Why did he keep piddling around , forcing me to take him to court for garnished wages for maintenance. Why couldn't he be 'stand up' enough to have taken his share of the responsibility in this whole thing. Isn't he getting what he wanted? What more does he want from me??????????
On a side not, I went to HR to have my address change put in my file. All of sudden the HR person started to tell me that she's been in somewhat the same position for the last 6 mo. Her h is 44. Never ceases to amaze me. The script never changes much. I told her that she has to make the decisions for herself (no children involved). I told her how long this has been going on for me (99). She said that no way would she/could she deal with this for that long. But she also said she had so much respect for me handling things the way I have with my situation. Now I understand why the other week she asked how I was doing, and seemed genuinely interested. She's going through it herself.
I quickly said a prayer for her after I left her office, and I had tears in my eyes. My God..why do people have to hurt each other so much..and for what? What do they think they're going to gain????? And do they ever think about what they're going to lose??
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
I wish I only had the answers, for I could not only help you out, I could help myself. I have been wondering many of the same things you have about this divorce stuff.... as you know I've been divorced now for 20 months, and I have yet to receive the support, deeds, or anything I was promised back in 2004. I'm still in court.... I think. Last I heard from my attorney is he is trying to get a hearing date/time. He's been doing this for 3 weeks now, while xh has been in contempt since a month after the dang thing was finalized.
My point... what is my point? I do understand how you feel. I don't know what you can do, or what you are supposed to do. But I'm here and listening....
What would happen IF you stop contacting your L? What if you responded just like your stbxh? Oh, sure, there are the legalities, but could you just let it sit until your stbxh gets his butt chewed by the court.... he's the one that filed, I would think they would go after him.
Otherwise, I don't have an idea.... sorry.
I really felt your vent, and agree whole heartedly!
Take care of you! You are in my prayers.
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
Quote: Oh, sure, there are the legalities, but could you just let it sit until your stbxh gets his butt chewed by the court.... he's the one that filed, I would think they would go after him
That's exactly what I'm hoping Laughing
I can't believe that H can get away with letting me do all the work...and not be in contempt of SOMETHING!!
Hopefully the court will see it your way. That he was the one that filed, but has not been motivated enough to bring it to a timely conclusion..and by his hand, not mine. I will certainly ask my L about all of this the next time we speak. This has to stop. H has to take responsibility for his choices and actions. I shouldn't have to pay monetarily for his life decisions. There should be a law that states that the one that files is completely responsible for everything entailed. That they are not allowed to mentally and financially abuse the other spouse through tactics such as what you, I and others have /are enduring.
You are in my prayers also, Laughing. You've been through so much for so long. I can only hope that it ends soon for you..and that the rest of us don't have to endure what you've had to. You've been such a great support to so many of us..and your wisdom is priceless. you may think you don't know what to say..but everything you do say makes a difference in our daily lives.
Hope you're taking care of yourself and your young'uns. Remember how important your are to so many people.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Quote: H has to take responsibility for his choices and actions
I've watch these WAS scoot right past the responsibility part, over and over again.... leaving it up to us to take care of the mess they have made. What if we weren't there with the broom and dust pan for once? I think they count on us to clean up after them... I really do.
Oh, sure, it's hard to break old habits, but I really think we hurt the situation by fixing... by enabling, by doing those things we originally didn't plan on. It's why I think if you just sit back and wait, it just may happen your stbxh will have to take the responsibility.
Again, I know it's a rock and a hard place, because there may be more money involved, but there has to be a happy medium, where you can sit and wait on your stbxh to take responsibility of his own stuff. I wonder how your L would take being told, enough is enough, he wanted this divorce, let's wait until he shows his face or makes an attempt to provide the necessary information/task to complete this divorce.
I'm sure he/she may not like it too much or might advise you against it... but Creed, you've been towing the responsibility rope for a bit too long.... it's time he did something for himself.
Sounds good on paper, doesn't it??
Take care... let me know what you decide.
God Bless
Love,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
)
And that is a good thing.
