Ok, I just wanted that to be my shortest post ever...lol.
Quote: I feel that detachment is coming on it's own. I'm not trying so hard to let go and focus on myself, it's just happening. Of course, this could be because things have been improving over the last couple weeks, but I think that is really only a small part of it. I am curious to see what his week will bring, what comes out of his C session tonite, what kind of fabulous job I will find!
Two quick things. First off, yes, detachment CAN happen on it's own and I think given time, it usually does in our sithes.
Secondly, be careful because I found that my detachment really happened best when there wasn't much to detach from, at least negative things. As soon as the positive time left, and the roller-coaster went back down again, my detachment was not so good.
I am not saying that you are doing badly, quite the contrary, you sound GREAT but I am just asking you to apply the same principles of "believe nothing that they say and only xx% of what you see" to this new-found glory you have. So long as the OW is in the picture, i.e. H is ALLOWING her to be, then there is the possibility that you could be in for some more surprises.
Now, that said, I really hope that's NOT the case and that your H is warming up to the wonderful, loving W he needs to be 100% back with NOW!
Remember, it's not just the negative stuff that's possible, it IS possible he's coming around...just make sure it's real before sticking yourself out there too far.
That was the shortest post ever! I'm way too wordy to pull that off
Quote: Remember, it's not just the negative stuff that's possible, it IS possible he's coming around...just make sure it's real before sticking yourself out there too far.
You are so right here, grasshopper. I'm really going to try to keep doing what I've been doing. He's come and gone before, and it's pretty likely he'll at MINIMUM pull backa gain. The difference I can make this time: I won't start expecting, and in turn adding pressure. I will keep doing what I am doing.
The detachment thing, I'm sure it would be a different game should he be able to have physical contact with her. I'm just getting to the point where I'm not obsessing about the texting/calls. I know it's there, but sometimes I'll realize I haven't thought about it for hours or most of the day (someday hopefully it will be weeks, or months, years).
But really, what I want to remember is his expression of gratitude, and that lately it's been a lot easier to "act as if", it no longer feels so much like acting.
Keep it up, Leslie. You seem to have found a middle ground - no expectations from H, but still being able to flirt and be positive, while keeping a good level of detachment. Just continue to pursue your own passions, i.e. hobbies, and doing things outside of your sitch.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Just wondering how things are going with you, Leslie.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Hey BeingMe, I was just on my way home thinking that I wanted post, and there you were checking in on me...thank you
This is probably gonna be a long one, I can tell already...
So, last week has been great, more of the same. I feel like the love he is showing is real, maybe it's because I am not looking for meaning in every little action, glance, or word. Example: in January, if H held my hand, I was completely conscious of it, of how I held his hand back, did it mean anything, blah blah blah, it's not like that anymore, thank god. I am not looking for grand meaning in every action.
We finally started actually decorating the house. Whenever we move, I always get the art on the walls first, I like to have everything in its place, but I haven't really done any of that. I was worried about hanging something only to take it down again if H moved out. I painted the living room, did some art projects, hung paintings and stuff, it looks good! H and I actually discussed how we'd been stalling, and I realized that having a presentable home makes me happy, it is someting I CAN control, so I am going to do it. Some order in the chaos.
We've spent a lot of time together, not really doing anything, just hanging out. We haven't spent so much time like that in years. Lots of talking, not really about "us" but he has discussed sending the kids to his mom's for a week, and that we should go on our own adventure, driving, either somewhere fun or maybe even going to some kind of spiritual, shaman-type retreat together, and how great that would be for us. He told me that, without "bringing up any ugly stuff" he has been really happy for the past couple weeks, outside of the OW sitch, and wants to resolve his issues so he can come to me and say "let's work on us and our marriage now."
On the surface, this is all great, what I have been waiting for, what I've been wanting so desperately since he first left. I feel a level of happiness and contentment too, and know that I am lucky, compared to others on the BB, to be where I am in this whole process. BUT, even though I don't think about OW nearly as often as I did even a month ago, it's still there. The texts they exchange are loving and romantic, she still sends him pictures of herself, not nasty ones so much, but still, she refers to him as her confidante and her lover. Hello! She hasn't seen him since January! Anyway, how can I even take what he says with any realism when there is this other thing going on in his life? I want to ask him about it, talk about the status of things with her, or even what his game plan is if he has one, we haven't talked about this stuff in a month. Part of me thinks if I continue to ignore it, he will start to believe it is ok to have a relationship with her since it is not "physical" and she will NEVER be gone completely.
So, I realize this is where it is: we are "working" on things, but I can not accept that anything is completely true until I know that she is out of his life, and he is ok with that, I want him to realize her purpose in his life has been filled, and he is over it. I am not going to push for it this time, I have before and it backfired, he needs to come to me and say "I resolved it, now it's our turn." I do not want him to think I am content with things as they are, or that I will continue to be so supportive, loving and responsive to him, I want him to know that I am still cautious. In the meantime, I need to keep the focus on doing my own thing and bettering myself, so it becomes a life-long part of who I am, not something I have to remember to do!
I think one should also try and give the impression that you are not willing to sit around and wait for him forever - without going into any R talks - getting a life helps. That you will be okay with or without him, and that there is a level where you will not allow your boundaries (of respect, caring, etc.) be crossed.
I hope your H wakes up to reality very soon, Leslie. It is so frustrating when you can see clearly, and they are off in La La land. One can live a double life for just so long, before it all comes crashing down. The OW will start making demands eventually, or you will tire of being in limbo, or whatever. The fact is, nothing stays static, and you must be prepared for whichever way thing may go. Which is what I like about DBing - we work on ourselves, so that we are strong, able, and sure of ourselves, with or without our S's, while they are floundering really.
You are doing an awesome job, and I hope and pray for a positive outcome for you and your M.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
You are right, it is really too easy to fall into the groove of acting as if we are married and all is hunky dory...I need to continue to have a life independently of H, for my own protection should he pull any surprises, for my PMA REGARDLESS of what happens with my M, and also so he can see that I am not waiting around forever. It's funny, one time we were talking about OW, and I said it sounds like she is just waiting for him to ask her to move to be near him, that a 25 year old girl who "has so much going for her" yet chases after a married man who lives 300 miles away and whose relationship exists in a cell phone, sounds a little mental. Anyway, he said she'd never move just like that, she's too independent! Maybe my H is attracted to perceived independence...
Anyway, I got a little moody last night. H was working on a project on the computer, and I was flipping channels and chatting with him. It didn't matter if I was watching Animal Cops or an HBO movie or a dish soap commercial, everything made me think of love, what was missing in my love-life, and that as much as I feel the easing of the tension between me and H, our interactions are a lot more natural and genuine, sometimes I feel like I am settling. I am worried about getting to used to ignoring his OW relationship, I have always been really talented about turning the other cheek to things I don't like, rather than doing something about it....
I think that sometime you are going to have to make a move to get out of the groove you seem to be in. Not sure how, but be sure you are not being a doormat, and overly passive. It is good to be calm and non confrontational, but you need to also stand up for yourself.
I get the feeling that you are just going along with the status quo, but I hope you are preparing for whatever might come along.
Anyway, just a thought, and hope you are taking care of you, and not letting your H use you as his sounding board about the OW, and taking advantage of the fact that you are "turning the other cheek". Although, I do agree that we should be friendly, and have open communication with our S's.
Thinking of ya!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Quote: I think that sometime you are going to have to make a move to get out of the groove you seem to be in. Not sure how, but be sure you are not being a doormat, and overly passive.
I agree, we can't stay in this place forever, it's comfortable to a degree, but limbo nonetheless. The doormat/too passive thing is true and a hard spot, we have not had any R or OW talks in at least three weeks. The closest we've come to a R talk, SUnday we were alone in the car, H said that he feels good where things are, and realizes he has "situations" he needs to handle, and appreciates me giving him the space to do so, I said I feel that we need to talk about things, but I am scared to disturb the status quo, he agreed and said we will talk, we have lots to talk about. He is always so vague, I can assume that "situations" means OW, but it could also refer to him just getting his life under control. In the meantime, he is loving and affectionate, the sex is wonderful, H and I agreed that in the past few weeks, we have spent more great time just being together then we have in years...in fact to some degree I feel like we are in the early stages of a new relationship.
BUT, I have no idea what is going on with OW. I mean, I know they text back and forth, and probably phone calls, but I want to know what his plan is with that, what he is feeling. Does he still feel an overwhelming desire to see her? Would he still call his feelings love? When is it time to sit down and bring reality to the table? I think he wants to say nothing until he can tell me there is no longer any relationship, do I wait for him to bring it to me?
Have been thinking a lot about not wanting to appear too accepting of how things are currently, I am just not sure if it is a good idea to bring it up. I had thought about approaching H, telling him that the recent weeks have been really nice, the future talks are comforting and encouraging, but for me it is really not much more than talk, as he has not really stated that his feelings are changed about OW, and what he wants in his life... And maybe also telling him honestly that I feel liek I am getting too comfortable with what is going on, and need to continue taking care of me so as not to be surprised down the road...
Is it a good idea to initiate a R talk? Are the things I want to say valid form a DB'ing standpoint? I am not necessarily looking ofr a definitive answer, although I would gladly take "I'm letting OW go and I love you," even knowing he is still confused would help me keep clarity, I think.
