I have posted a couple of times before, and started over in piecing, but I think this may be a more fitting place for me to try and get out this frustration! In a nutshell, H moved out last August and began heavily passionate affair with co-worker. I have read DB and other books and read this BB daily, H returned home twice, then took a job out of town and said OW was to move there with him. A month later he's calling again, told OW he couldn't live with her now, she moved 5 hours away...H and I start "working" on things long-distance, he asks me to move up here with two S's (9 & 5). Two weeks after moving in, H says he can't love me like I deserve and can't stop thinking about OW, he resumed contact with her and says he has to see her to know for sure, but feels that our marriage is over.
I am hurt and angry. Our boys did not deal with our separation well, and there has been a notable improvement in them since we've been back together. H regularly brings up relationship talks, but it is the same, that he doesn't want to spend his life wondering if his love for OW is true love, and he doesn't want to hold me back. He is depressed about his life, can't manage his finances or his responsibilities because he is not "happy."
Of course I want him to be happy. but I also want our boys to be, too. My H and I have had some wonderful moments during the past three months of "working on it," his freak out came when we finally were all living together. I am trying to find us a new counselor, he wants to go alone, but doesn't want to go together under "false pretenses." I feel liek his issues outside of our marriage are so major, it would be wrong to make any marital decisions until he is on a more stable path.
I know this is a rambling post, not even my style. Today I am very down, feel almost nuerotic and nauseous...I truly would welcome any thought or comments, I feel lost right now...
Well, leslie, I am sorry you even had to go down this path once, let alone more than that.
It's hard to say what's going on beyond the usual WAH stuff, coupled with some MLC for good measure. If you are doing the DB things of GAL and improving yourself, then I would suggest staying the course. If not, of course, start today.
As for you having to move the kids up there, only to have him do it AGAIN to you, that really sucks and there is not much more I can think of to say at this point. I understand how you feel, especially when it comes to the boys.
I will follow you, and keep your chin up. You are going to get past this one way or another and it WILL be ok if you make sure YOU are taking responsibility for yourself and your boys. It feels horrible right now, but feelings change...probably hourly for you these days. You just got back on the ride is all. Remember that.
Thanks grasshooper, I have read some of your posts before, I appreciate your visit.
I am working on GAL, harder in a new town with no friends and all, but I have already joined the gym and am looking for a new job, as well as into some classes in various areas for fun and to meet people. In the past, he always responded so heavily to any movements I made towards moving on, so maybe as that begins to happen he will start to remember why he wanted me here in the first place.
I get a lot of comfort in the fact that OW is so far away, but I know she has been pining for him, too, so I don't no how long it will be before she is coming to visit him.
I also truly believe that I will survive this regardless of the outcome, I feel a lot of strength in my own self right now...it's just that like everyone else here, I so don't want it to be this way.
I made the mistake in a heated moment of telling him that I could not stand by and let him resume contact with her while we were living together, that just pushed him into this thought process of not wanting to disrespect me yet wanting to keep in touch with her, even wanting to see her. Now I feel like with things so much in the air, I don't want to put the boys through another seperation until we KNOW that is the path we are on. So I guess for now I can only detach and let go and remove my expectations and hopes from our relationship, focus on myself.
So, I've been hanging out in piecing for awhile now, after a few previous stints in this forum, and it's really not looking like "piecing" is anywhere near what we are doing, OW is totally in the picture, as much as possible for living five hours away (thank god for that). Also, looking like H is textbook MLC, so I am feelin' a little homeless right now!
My H is "confused" and doesn't know what he wants, sometimes he says that since he doesn't feel what he's been looking to feel with me, he won't, other times he says he is not ready to let go. In a nutshell, I've decided that I can't have any OW stuff going on right in front of my face... I posted a link to my previous rantings and ravings below, I think I'll be around for awhile
Journaling, ranting, whatever... Wrote H a letter yesterday, sometimes it is so hard to say what I want to say, I get off-track when we are talking in person. Anyway, I basically said I loved him, but I realized he no longer had any fight left in him where our marriage is concerned, and that over the past seven months I have realized what I want in my life, and what would make me happy, and that he deserves to be happy and at peace with himself, too. And, basically that I don't harbor any anger or resent towards him, and want to let him go with unconditional love and honest hope that he finds what he is looking for.
I know it upset him, he was crying, and I didn't pressure to talk about it. He slept on the couch again last night (I had told him he can't share the bed with me anymore, this is nite 2 on the couch).
This a.m. I asked if he was going to our hometown this weekend like he had mentioned, he said, "I'm not going to see OW if that's what you are asking." (OW doesn't live in our old town). He DID tell me that he would probably make arrangements to see her in the next couple weeks. I told him that he owed me the respect to make his arrangements after he moved out, and if he can't wait that long he should find another place to sleep when he got back, I wasn't going to witness any of that. SO of course he freaked out and said I was contradicting my letter, said he told me he was going to see her to get my reaction...I had to explain that just because I want him to be happy, and am trying to accept that we are through, I don't want to deal with OW in my face.
I am playing a dangerous game. Of course, everything I wrote to him is true. I do want us both to be happy, neither of us have been for SO long. What I realize, and he doesn't, is that it wasn't our marriage to each other that made us unhappy, it was ourselves. We have both been so detached from life, he doesn't see that when we learn to love ourselves, all the rest could fall into place. There is so much love and compassion and feeling left for both of us towards each other...
Anyway, the game is dangerous because even though I know that I can't deal with OW crap anymore, and I am ready to go one way or the other with my marriage, I am secretely hoping that cutting him off from me emotionally will help him realize what he'll be missing. When he can't use me for emotional support while texting endless love notes to OW, all he'll be left with is the endless love notes. I don't think that will be enough.
I never made him fight hard enough to get me back, I wanted it SO bad, everytime he'd start coming around again, I would cave in.
Anyway, today will be about sending off resumes and re-reading DB, particularly the last resort technique. I kinda need to find some focus here, remember what I wrote to him and stick to it.
hey leslie - good for you for standing your ground where OW is concerned - and he should wait until he's out before making those arrangements if not out of respect for you but for the boys. having you move there and THEN deciding he still wasnt sure was not fair to you or them - he seems to be one of those WAS who just cant/wont be alone.
I'm so sorry you are going thru this............believe me, I let mine back way too easy as well, 9 times to be exact and like RB said - he yanked the ball away at the last minute everytime. If saving your M is what you really want then making him fight for it is the right thing to do, otherwise it will be more of the same.
Quote: If saving your M is what you really want then making him fight for it is the right thing to do, otherwise it will be more of the same.
THANK YOU, Hellkat, validation is not just for WAS's! He has to decide on his own what he wants to do, and if he wants me, he needs to prove it, and work for it. I have to keep telling myself that I deserve WAY better than what I've been getting...
and you do deserve better, so do your boys............trust me! and your right, they do have to decide on their own.
but i found by not keeping boundries and allowing him to continually to cross the line drawn in the sand - it only promoted more of the same behaviour from him. Plus it was very confusing for my S - he had soooooo much instability and alot of that was my fault, wrapped up in my own drama.
Just journailing here, my emotions are so all over the map, it is really hard to even put a finger on what I want to do, how I want to handle things...
H is out of town this weekend, left last night to go to our hometown, visit his sister and visit his dad's grave, he said he'd be home either tonite or tomorrow nite. He had his fourth counseling appt. before he left yesterday, came home all excited and ready to leave for the weekend. He's realizing through C that he has a lot of unresolved issues regarding his dad's death, he died from cancer VERY quickly when H was 18, after his dad's death he just developed this "I'm gonna die young so live every moment like it's my last" attitude. After his C, he said he had to go do this trip this weekend, and I agree, he needs to get a handle on all of this childhood anger. His C told him that right now he is taking care of his 18 year old self, and surprisingly H agrees. Although, for now he only relates that to his issues with his family, not the whole OW thing. Part of me feels guilty that I relate all of his recent revelations re: his family to the affair, but the link is so obvious.
Which is why this is all so hard. I don't want my marriage to be over. I don't want H to move out. I told him he had to if he was going to continue talking with OW. On one hand, I know that he is eating cake, he fantasizes about his love for OW, but will stay up all night and talk with me about his life, I am his only true confidant. He is obviously depressed, maybe MLC, I don't know, so is it wise for me to cut him off when he is so mixed up? Am I really going to show him how much he'll be missing? Nite before last we were talking, he always initiates R talk, and he told me he misses me so much already, that every nite he has been on the couch this week he just wants to come in our room and get in bed with me. Totally touches my heart, yet I'm thinking of all the nites we were in bed together and he had his back to me as far to the edge as he could get.
I re-read all of my old posts, going back to XMAS, when he first started coming around. I can see what happened, I know what was bringing him back. I never pushed about OW. When he began working out of town, I made it obvious that I was moving on, but when he was home on weekends I was flirty and fun and we did stuff together as a family, I gave him the attention that I knew he was getting from OW. Part of me wants to go back to that. Part of me feels like it is easier to pretend that things are a certain way, that by acting as if I am ok with what is happening and am picking up and moving forward,and REALLY doing that, but still sharing a bed and affections and what not, the OW thing will die off. She is five hours away, he has no money to drive or get hotels or what not...so...
His most recent withdrawal from me came when I started EXPECTING him to woo me, romance me, and prove to me that he wanted this to work, and my disappointment became obvious.
The other part of me says that I need to continue with the cold shoulder, but as these past days have passed, that has been my MO, and he has become more resolved to move out and move forward on his own, and I have become sadder and sadder.
Even now, re-reading what I am posting (thank goodness for the preview option!) I don't think the cold shoulder treatment will get me anywhere. If I can get back to the mental place I was in around Xmas, where I expected nothing and enjoyed pursuing my own life, and basically played a dating game with H, I would be happier, and he may start coming around to the place he was in too, when he decided he needed his family back together. And if he doesn't, the GAL-ing will help me deal with it better.
I know this is rambling, all over the place. Am I rationalizing each of our behaviours? If I start letting him in again, am I sending the message that what he is doing is okay? I know he feels guilty about his contact with OW, if I act as if I don't even care, does that make it more or less exciting?
