Wholey carp! I say I am away for the day and Tim pops in. Wow. Thanks man. I know you are doing great (we email pretty regularly) but others here don't. Update your thread.
As for your comments...
Quote: You are doing awesome my man! You told me once not to long ago how far I had come since we first started talking on this board.....and you have travelled a long way on this journey also! Be proud of the person you are and who you are becoming!
Thank you. I feel I have indeed traveled a bit down an exciting new path in my life. I am proud so far!
Quote: Stay the course. I agree with OT that you need to be more direct and let your W know exactly how YOU are feeling. Don't leave anything up to debate in her mind about you. Be assertive but not over powering.
If you have read, and read between the lines a bit, you know this is the hardest part for me. I guess you could say I am a conflict avoider, but not so much that I could never do these things, just enough that I will have to work to get there. It's coming.
Quote: The one thing for you GH is your W sees all the positive changes you have made! She sees the man she knows she wants to be married to! She just can't open up and admitt to it because of what she has done. You have to be able to foregive her and that takes time, and an open heart. She has to do the same, but for herself nad what she has done. That takes time!
Time, yea, that great friend of ours...lol. Yes, I agree with all this and that's why I am ok with limbo for the time being. I know she has trouble opening up and so long as I see progress, I am ok without asking her to do so...right now. All things in due time.
Quote: Your W may not verbalize itike my W, and just slip back into your marriage. Just keep up your growth and the changes you are making personally to keep her on her toes, and excited to be with you!
Yep, she won't verbalize. Here's the thing about my changes and keeping her excited to be with me, etc. I really feel that I have been ok to be with a lot of our marriage but I did have annoying traits, the worst of which was neediness. Over the last, say 2-3 years I became this angry, bitter, unhappy man who yelled at his kids and was not fun to be around AT ALL. I think that the mere fact that I am not THAT guy these days is doing wonders and added to that my changes that have taken me towards being BETTER than even the man she WAS ok with being married to may deliver us to the marriage promised land so-to-speak.
What I am saying is that I am SURELY going to bring the excitement back to our marriage but I am focused on removing the anger, resentment and fatigue first before I can introduce fun, excitement and passion again. It's probably 6 of one 1/2 dozen of another but it's how I think about my sitch. I think in my particular case, that is the recipe for success. For some others, maybe not.
Thanks for making your triumphant return on my thread and keep in touch...here AND via email.
You and I talked alot via e-mail, but I forgot how important this board was to me! I had many dark times that everyone here helped me through! Complete strangers who opened their hearts to me, and in the end many of them (like you) I consider true friends!
You mentioned getting rid of the anger, resentment, and te fatigue. That went away for me once I became comfortable with MYSELF and MY decisions. Once I became comfortable in my own skin and said to myself I deserve better and the only one who will give it to me is myself, my energy and outlook on life went through the roof!
That is hard to do when we are living through such a dark period in our life. There is lite at the end of tunnel we just need faith to know it is there!
The question is would I be this happy and comfortable if my W and I weren't working things out?
My answer is a big honest YES! I felt this way once I made the decision that I am a good man. I may not be perfec, and I have alot of things I could improve on but I deserve better. When I thought like that it was like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. Can you do that without moving towards the big D like me? Absolutely! Just know in your mind that you are a good man, don't beat yourself up, and you will find happiness on your own! It is up to your W to decide in sharing in it with you!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Quote: You mentioned getting rid of the anger, resentment, and te fatigue. That went away for me once I became comfortable with MYSELF and MY decisions. Once I became comfortable in my own skin and said to myself I deserve better and the only one who will give it to me is myself, my energy and outlook on life went through the roof!
For some reason, that reminded me of a Dido song that was very empowering and comforting to me way back when... It isn't a happy-happy-joy-joy song, but it is strong and wonderfully hopeful. I guess you are either at a point where you see this or not, but it is a great song:
Dido: My life
What I choose to do is of no concern to you and your friends Where I lay my hat may not be my home, but I will last on my own ’cause it’s me, and my life It’s my life
Oh the world has sat in the palm of my hand not that you’d see And I’m tired and bored of waiting for you and all those things you never do
Thank you...I think. Lol. Never knew my screwed up current events could be classified as a "quality read" but I suppose that's better than a tough read.
Thanks for stopping by and I only hope the quality of the read and more importantly, my life increases from this point on.
Another night in limbo. W was on edge last night. Her parents, sister, BIL and their kids will all be staying the weekend at our house this weekend and as usual, she is stressed about all the preparation, cleaning and such that needs to get done. I understand this but her shortness with me and general attitude almost got me to snap on her, but at the last minute, as I was walking down the stairs to tell her to change her tone and attitude since I was already doing all I could to help out, I remembered Mars/Venus and told myself she was just venting and that I SHOULD NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. I stopped taking it personally, stopped myself from confronting her, and instead gave her a hug and said I thought she was doing well getting things ready and that together we would get it all done. She sighed and started talking about certain things left to do and how she was afraid of not getting them done. She was now talking to me as someone who cared. I just said I understood how stressful it was but I knew she would do what it took, she always does. From that point she was a little more relaxed and wasn't that snippy towards me until the very end of the night. As she was heading to bed and I was looking for my FIL's video camera (I need to do some editing for him) and I was in the garage, spare room, and eventually in the laundry room looking for it. I was getting nervous because I didn't remember where I put it. When she saw me in the laundry room she, even though she knew what I was doing, she asked me why I was in there. I said I was looking for the camera. She said "In the laundry room?" with a kind of sarcastic "I don't believe you" tone. It was really weird. She just stood there after that until I was done and then made a comment like "Well, I hope you find what you're looking for, I'm going to bed." She never really makes a big deal out of going to bed like that. That used to be MY department.
Maybe it was my imagination but it seemed like she thought I was looking for something else. Why else would she get like that? Wonder, if I am right, what she thought I was looking for and why she seemed so interested in my being in the laundry room? Ok, enough speculation Matlock. Of course, it could be that I was looking for a video camera in the laundry room...lol.
I am taking a positive from the night overall because not only did I have a GREAT workout but I managed to control emotions that in the past would have started an argument. Not only did I control them but I think by doing the opposite of what I used to do (and really, according to Mars/Venus the RIGHT thing), namely validating her and comforting her instead of trying to fix her, I improved the situation.
I really just made news out of nothing but I guess the little things all add up. I just hope they are adding as fast as they subtracted to get us to this situation.
My W just called me to ask me how she should get her hair done this time. She's got an appointment today for a cut and colr. I guess she values my opinion...lol. It's a start.
