Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Entering Limboland...GH Saga Part 8

Maybe this is one of those times where you could share your feelings with her and set a boundary with respect to her treatment of you.

"That thing in the laundry room last night was pretty weird. I was very hurt when you came in and challenged me -- I felt I was being attacked and punished for no reason. That kind of treatment is really not OK with me. Instead, please tell me directly if you would like me to stop doing something.

It was very confusing. I also felt more hurt and fear because I began to think that you were scared I would find some OM stuff. That idea makes me feel used, disrespected, and treated unfairly.

Altogether, I feel very sad about the whole thing, I just don't feel good at all.

I hope my sharing directly like this helps us both..."

Best,
Oldtimer

[Edited to make it shorter and nicer.]

Good point OT. I guess, as I alluded to, I think I am pretty attuned to what is a real issue, that should be addressed directly (like I never do, but hey, I know when I SHOULD anyway. lol) and what is mostly in my head. I TRULY have no idea what that was about and actually verbalizing any fear that it was about the OM really introduces him into a situation where he may not be involved at all.

I am constantly worried (ick) about my old habit of forming these entire scenarios in my head and then living in them rather than living in the real world. To me, this is more of the old me rather than the new me.

Maybe she acted that way because she had just done laundry and her stuff was getting shuffled around. Maybe it was just a continuation of her mood from earlier. Maybe it was because it was past midnight, on a night where I have to get up at 6:00am (everyday but weekends) and I was rummaging all over the house for a camcorder I was not going to do anything with then anyway...I really don't know.

The OM stuff is in my head. I refuse to allow it to be any more than that for me now. It/he is what he is and I am not going to ascribe any more power to him. NOW, if I start finding things (Teddy Bear, shirts, etc) then I will address it directly. My paranoia will live alone in my head for now.

The real question I need to ask directly is "Is the OM around because it sure feels like he's not lately. What's up?" That question supercedes all others in relation to the OM. Until I know if he is gone (or at least she says he is), which it seems like he is, then I am leery of bringing him up other than to ask the big question. When will I ask that question? I don't know. I guess when I am ok with the answer being "No". Right now I am taking a break from things and just enjoying the peace for awhile. Is it denial? I suppose. I suppose it could be. I prefer to think of it as biding my time while keeping the DB ideal of no R talk before it's time. I will HAVE to ask the question sooner or later if she does not volunteer the answer.

GH

"That thing in the laundry room last night was pretty weird. I was very hurt when you came in and challenged me -- I felt I attacked and punished. Was that going on or was it my imagination?"

Ok. I like that and I really think that's something I need to understand how and when to do. I am not there yet. Thank you for pointing out those times to me. I think it will take me having another moment similar to one you have commented on before for me to realize in the moment that I could be doing things differently. Really, it will just take some more time for me to get used to the idea of being direct after 35 years of practice being anything but.
I AM being more direct in many other aspects of our life so I am making progress, it's just these topics relation to our relationship, obviously the most important ones, that I struggle with. It is not a struggle that will last forever.

Thanks OT.

GH

You know one of the hardest things to figure out in my situation is just where things stand. Oh sure, I could just ask W every five minutes but she's already told me that she's "trying to get back to us" and I know for her that means actions, not words. SO, I am left watching more than communicating and these days, what I see is pretty encouraging. Then we get to yesterday...

The night before last I was cleaning out my car and found the Victoria's Secret Angel's card packaging (I got one a month or so ago for Valentines day) and there was a coupon book I didn't remember looking at. I noticed that there were offers for each month and of course, THIS month's offer was almost expired. What's a guy to do? I still dunno if it's ok to buy her things from there or not (other than PJ's), but that's just because I don't fully buy into what I see/hear from my W. Once again, Victoria's Secret is NOT automatically linked to sex in my house but still it is on the romantic side of life for sure and, well, there isn't much romance in our life right now...but I hope to change that so maybe a little something won't hurt.

IF I am going on face value, it should be about time to start acting like the man I USED to be in terms of gift giving, etc. I decided that I would at least go by and see if there was something I thought she would like and then I could get the free panties that were part of the offer.
I ran over during my lunch break and immediately saw a rack of clearance stuff. Low and behold, there were a pair of workout pants like the kind my W likes in her size. I grabbed them and got one of the clerks to take me to the panties I got for my "free gift".

I was still slightly conflicted about giving her this unexpected gift...oh, and BTW, I did a little thing for her on Wednesday by replacing some lotion we can only get from a store near where I work. It was appreciated but not overly so. I did't think she thought it was a gift or anything. It was just a nice thing to do, but I thought the VS stuff may come off like I was trying to gift her to death after years of not doing that. Remember, I used to do little things like that ALL the time and she seemed to like it. Don't know why I stopped. Just another one of those mysteries that happens to us in marriage. I am determined to BE the man I want to be in this R and that means romantic gift giving so WTH...

In the end, I decided that I was just going to do what my gut told me to do and give it to her. The twist, and this may sound small but maybe not, is that instead of just handing her the bag when I got home from work like I always do, I just told her in a playful way that "if she was good, I had something for her at the end of the night." She acted amused and asked what that would be (no doubt thinking I meant to make an attempt at sex) and then went about the cleaning that went on until around 11:30 (whole house needed to be done...we worked hard). When I knew she was done and ready to relax, I made a comment on how nice things looked and how we did a great job. She said she wished it always looked like that and seemed happy. I went to my car and got the bag. When I walked in, she smiled and said "wow, ANOTHER gift", not necessarily in a welcoming tone. I guess she took the lotion as a gift too...

When she opened the bag though I realized that luck/fate/God, whatever was smiling on me because it just so happens that my W was looking at the exact pants as the ones I got a few weeks ago (I wasn't there) and didn't get them because they were too expensive. She was ecstatic! The she saw the panties and was even happier. They are a different style than she usually wears but she said she was going to start wearing these from now on (I saw that she had one pair in her drawer when I was doing laundry which is why I got them). She was ALL smiles. She even tried on the pants right then! I got a HUGE hug and even a kiss. Not really a romantic kiss, but she seemed like she was attempting one, lol. I think I missed the boat on that one but oh well. It was very unexpected and I was caught off guard. She usually presents a cheek to me when we kiss these days. I didn't remember what to do with lips, lol! We hugged for longer than ususal, me kinda picking her up, her pulling her leggs off the floor. It was really nice.

I have never, and I mean NEVER seen my W so happy to get a gift before. Who knew?

I got two or three more hugs before the end of the night along with several thank you's. She also said that if I was ever looking for something else to get she liked...

I guess it pays off to get her what SHE likes, NOT what I like...lol.

Needless to say, it was a GREAT night. I finally listened to my gut/instinct and it payed off. I think that is the evidence I needed to see that my changes are paying off. Before my instinct usually resulted in doing the WRONG thing by her.

This was a nice baby step. I am still on guard but I can tell you that these are uncharted waters for my R with my W. Maybe in the EARLY days did we talk this well or interact so easily but I can't really remember that time.

I just hope this is all real and not some elaborate deception. For now, I am going to trust it and move forward. If I turn out to be wrong, then I will take responsibility for what happens to me. This is my choice and I think it is a good one. I will live with the consequences whatever they may be.

GH

Looks like you need to move to the Piecing thread my friend. I am so happy for you! Have a wonderful weekend!

Mama,

Thanks. I may move when I know the OM is gone, but for now, I don't want to jump back and forth. Also, IF my story is going to have a happy ending, or at least the start of one, I think it should be posted here. We have so much negative stuff around here, I would love to be able to post something positive.

Anyway, I am just grateful for what I have, a little leery of what I can't see and living each moment as they come. Cheesy, but true. The sad part is that I am convinced that it's possible this will all end tomorrow, but I am going to use that to my advantage and not take anything for granted. We'll see what happens.

My in-laws are in town this weekend, I have a wedding all day on Saturday and then Disney again on Sunday. Won't be much time for fretting over this stuff.

GH

Quote:

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Also, IF my story is going to have a happy ending, or at least the start of one, I think it should be posted here. We have so much negative stuff around here, I would love to be able to post something positive.

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Amen to that, brother.

Great to hear that you got a little lip action, my friend!

Since you are going to Disney on Sunday, I am going to make a recommendation. Make a dinner reservation for you and your W at one of Disney's more romantic restaurants for after you spend the day in the parks. I would recommend Citricos at the Grand Floridian resort or especially Artist's Point at the Wilderness Lodge. (If you want to splurge on an anniversary someday, you could go for Victoria and Albert's at the Grand Floridian -- $85 per person, but it is one of only five 5-star restaurants in the state.) The GF is on the Monorail and the WL is a short free boat ride from the Magic Kindgom.

Both the GF and the WL have secure "kid's clubs" where your children can enjoy exciting supervised activities -- and no grown-ups are allowed. So put your kids there ($10 per kid per hour with a 2-hour minimum, food included if dinnertime) and enjoy a romantic dinner just with your W in a special place. Call 407-WDW-DINE and see if you can get reservations (you can book your kids club with that same number).

BTW, I am not in the Disney marketing department, just love the place and am trying to help ...

WOW, thanks RB. I had no idea about the kids club thing. That sounds GREAT and I will take advantage of that soon. This weekend will be tough because all the in-laws will be with us. Like I said, next time we go, I am going to try that. Sounds like a PERFECT thing for us right now!

GH

Young Grasshopper you did good once again!
Your W actions spoke louder than any words could oce she recieved the gift!
Nice!
I love the fact that you took the risk and did what YOU thought was right! It is all about risk/return. Stay too comfortable and nothing will improve.
Good luck this weekend!
Must be nice to go to Disney World when I still have to rke the snow mold off my lawn!
Canada vs Florida????