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So, here is tonites event.

Becca had suggested I get a new bedcover and sheets for the master bedroom, which is my bedroom. She even picked some out that I would like on the Bed, Bath and Beyond website bed stuff here (Thanks Becca!) and I went to the store and got them. I found the comforter but had to ASK a woman there for help picking out the right sheets so they would look right. Also got the fancy pillows and stuff.

Came home later this evening and brought the stuff in and went in the bedroom, closed the door and put the bed together with the new stuff.

W saw me bring the stuff in, but didn't say anything. I just smiled as I walked by her and said nothing.

About 20 minutes later she came to the door and knocked. I said 'who is it?' she says 'me' and I said 'what's up?' and she said 'can I come in?' so I said 'sure'.

She came in and said 'Oh that looks really nice'. I said 'yeah, I got tired of the same old stuff.'

Then D10 came in and saw the bed. The material is a suede so it's soft and she jumped on the bed and admired it. Then, she said "But I wish there were two people to sleep in it Dad" and started to cry. I didn't anticipate that.

I put my arm around her and said 'let's go into your room since this room makes you sad'. I sat with her while she told me she didn't want a divorce. And I told her that it's ok, this is just a part of our life now and held her. W stood around trying to be busy. I looked at W and she looked guilty and didn't want to be there.

Eventually all was ok, I left with D10 and her boyfriend to take him home but I was PISSED. I was pissed because I didn't exepect D10's reaction - I was hoping for lot's of "look at dad's new bed!" and excitement - to create a little envy in W. Instead I got hurt and sadness for D10 which I didn't want to do to her.

So after dropping off BF, D10 wanted to go for a ride and asked me why I seemed so mad. I told her about D10 and how much it hurts me to see her like this. She says "Well she has to get over it" and "It would be easier if we knew what was going on".

I said "do you mean when will we break up the house?" and she said "NO, whether or not you are actually going to get a divorce." So I said why wouldn't you think we were going to?"

She said "because last time you guys took it to the end and then backed out". "Because mom isn't moving out like she said she is and you are holding on to her and helping her all the time." I really wish you would let her go so she can do what she wants to do with her life. So she can find out how to make it on her own.".

D10 says: "When we talk she talks like a teenager about everything, like it's all so simple to do. Just let her go Dad and move on with your life. Don't just linger, then tell us you're "getting back together". I dont want to live through any more years of you two not getting along. You shouldn't be together. You're not happy"

I explained that I had already fixed my issues and so if we were together it would be diferent. and she said "Dad, it wouldn't work because Mom has to find heself, and fix her crap." "I don't want you guys to ever be together. It'll be better for all of us. Just let her go, she won't go on her own.

She sees you as her Best Friend. You've been protecting her forever. I see you do it all the time. You gotta stop that and let her go find out how hard life can be. She's never been a grownup, my mom is a teenager still.

I mentioned that she seemed unhappy tonite and D15 says "Well yeah, what you did makes her think you're serious about living your own life and that scares her because she may be forced to move out".

Very upset it is taking too long. She want's it 'over' and never to be fixed.

So I got home, D10 went to her room to do homework. I 'ran into' W in the kitchen. Asked her if she liked my new bedding. She said it was 'very nice'. I told her I needed help buying sheets and she thought it was funny I asked for help.

Thenwe got onto the topic of money. She can't make her $500 credit payment and I had suggested she use some of our home equity line to lower the balance. She originally didn't want to, but tonite she asked me for $1000 so she could pay down the balance some. I said 'no problem'.

Then she quietly started to talk about how hard it has beem to get started, how she barely pays her office rent and she should have started years ago. And I wouldn't be doing it now if it weren't for you helping me.

So, I asked her "Do you think I did anything to stop you? I always wanted you to do whatever made you happy."
She said 'no, you never have stopped me from doing anything. I just wanted to be a good mom and stay at home with the kids.'

So I told her I was glad she did that because it helped our kids become as well rounded and stable as they are. She said 'well it was you who made it possible'.

I said 'maybe, but you did the work and I'm proud of our kids." She said 'me too'.

So, when we were married she wanted to do something like this but didn't because she wanted to be home with the kids which I MADE POSSIBLE.

Now, she starts a business but she couldn't except she lives here for free, which I MAKE POSSIBLE

What do I do? When you're married you DO THINGS for each other. I make money. Period. She takes care of the kids. She certainly deserves her own opportunities to try her own businesses and I SHOULD support her financially. She work 15 years for room an board basically, well, and love too. That's marriage. THAT'S LOVE.

I had mentioned I needed to transfer some funds from our line of credit to checkig to pay taxes. She had told me she needed $500 to pay her credit card bill a few days ago and I suggested she take a couple grand from the line, and pay down the priniciple. It would be cheaper.

She doesn't see that money as 'hers' because I pay the mortgage and LOC bills. But I told her it was an asset and she owned half our assets. She said no, she shound't do it.

But tonite she asked me to transfer the amount she and I had discussed. It looks like she is not making ends meet. I'm going to transfer enough to do 3 principle payments.

To try to help, I mentioned that she should use our joint account when buying gas, since she drives the kids all the time. She said "no, the least I can do is buy gas since I don't pay ANYTHING to live here or contribute anything. She was pretty down.

So, she has told our D15 that I am her 'Best Friend'. D15 sees how W leans on me when she is down and doesn't see why she wants a divorce if she isn't going to let me go. D15 thinks I should let her go, kick her out of the nest and never get together again because we are 'bad' for each other. Great kid.

Well, that's my story. Detachment - Day 4. Looking serious now.

This morning was quiet. W didn't say much to me but was coordial.

D10 talked about hwo one of her friends parents are divorced and her mom is getting married. Of course this upsets her.

Was checking in to HardHead's posts. I recall a few months ago when his W 'Finally broke' and his postings from then. I see now he is in mediation. I guess you never really can know. One thing he said that I think I can relate to is this"

Quote:

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I have finally realized I was creating so much pressure for her to love me that it was impossible for her to do so. Finally, in January I decided to truly let her go, no longer as a strategy to get her back (although I would love that), but as a strategy for sanity.

The result is that we have a much better relationship than we have ever had, even before the marriage. There is no sexual aspect to the relationship, but we are honoring and respecting each other. In the process she is realizing, FINALLY, many of the things that she has done to erode the relationship (I came to my realizations a long, long time ago).

---

I feel that is where I must be going. Even though I know in my heart she loves me, she is so lost in herself, and everything I do FOR her looks like trying to hold on to her.

And, I'm her 'best friend'. How do I be that now?

I think I should move my thread to 'MLC' or 'Separated'. I don't belong in Piecing any longer.

Doing ok today. I'm re-thinkng last nites activities. The worst part was D10 losing it. That always tears me apart. The best part was that it was obvious W was scared I was moving on.

And the issues later where she had low self esteem and kept making the connections between her positive choices in life, and how I enabled them to happen. I mean if you think about it, the ONLY things she talked about were things she had done or was doing now, and how I had made them possible. I think partly frm thinking that she couldn't 'do anything' without my help, and partly from appreciating that she could do the things she has done and even IS doing now because of my help.

Being a stay at home mom, having her current business, and right now just having a place to live while she DIVORCES me. And I felt good because I didn't gloat, and instead found something positive to say to her pointing out what SHE did with those activities. SHE was a great stay at home mom, SHE is the one doing the hard work in the business, SHE is living here because she made a deal with me. She is in control of her destiny.

I provide the support a good partner would provide. If she doesn't realize that THIS is what LOVE is then she is insane.

Tonite I saw her in passing a few times. I made a fire in the fireplace because I felt like it. Then I didn't hang around.

I so much want to get into a conversation with her when she is in a happy mood but I kept it short, and left her alone.

I can feel her uncomfortableness. She doesn't know what to make of me. BUT I always smile, and I always find at least ONE thing to complement her on - then I go away. So she can't think I am 'mad' at her.

Tuesday I see counselor. Time to find out what to do now. But, I'm going to be ok. I hate being detached, especially when she is pleasant to be around. BUT I do know I have to give her what she has asked for. Or "She won't learn nothin'".

I do so hope she doesn't have to move out. But I'm prepared. One of my friend said she'll probably try out the 'intimacy' thing again, just because she's not getting any needs met by me and will want to pull at me. If she does, this time I will be prepared to let it slide off me and not get into my head. We'll see. Today I am hopeful.

I just got back from Counselor session. Nobody has worked harder than her to help W to see the
possibilities of our marriage. To see the goodness that is there inside me and how W and I could be good together. She knows W better than anybody right now, if anyone CAN know W.

Last week we agreed that she was to talk to W about 'doing something' instead of staying ambivalent. It was Counselor who brought up what to do with the house and stuff like that with W last week, and told her to stop talking and start doing. Make a decision. She mentioned that when she talked about the house W face went white. Her fantasy is about to become reality.

After I told C about the 'talk' we had where W asked ME about what to do with the house, and other things about moving in the summer and how "she couldn't love me the way I should be loved", C says 'she is making her decision'. She doesn't have the feelings for me to be married and she's afraid of marriage.

Counselor spent the session discussing with me that I need to play 'hardball' now and take care of myself, no longer give her support. Start the process. Make it real.

She observed that I 'keep giving to her' because I'm afraid if I don't it will push her farther away. But that doesn't matter any more, and it's only hurting me and enabling W. She is getting energy from me whenever she 'needs' it and doesn't have to give me anything in return. That energy source won't be available out there in the 'real' world. And W's desire for me to be her 'Best Friend' is unrealistic. You don't just TAKE from your Best Friend.

She gave the 'standard' lecture about how we never stop loving someone, and years later it's still there. That we can have that love with another person. And, that I'm healed and strong now which will serve me well in my life.

And she said "Frank. You are the stronger one. You are not a quitter. You proved it. She is a quitter. You did ALL that any man could do. Be proud of yourself."

What W 'said' she wanted when she decided to get divorced (besides OM) was "Frank to Change", and she had given up hope that I ever would. But I did change, and we've lived together in the house long enough so that she can see it is for real. Even Counselor has told her "what you said you wanted is right there in front of you now". Yet she doesn't choose it. So there's a deeper reason that she is leaving. It's not me.

C believes W thinks that if she commits to the marriage again she will 'never get out, be trapped'. From what, I'm not sure.

She sees W living in the fear that if she gives herself emotionally to any man, she loses herself. Like she did with me in our marriage, like she did with OM, like she did when we had our week of intimacy a month ago. Unfortunatly then, I got hurt by getting close to her, which C said she was afraid might happen. She suggested that if somehow the opportunity comes up again, I should decline, for my own sake.

I guess I know in my heart that it's over. I know our marriage could never work the way she is now, or even the way she was. She's a troubled woman who doesn't know herself and maybe she never will. If anyone should know, it would be me. Sure, she loves me, in a way that we love others we touch in our lives. And that's a good thing.

One other good thing C observed is that when W started all this, she used me as her 'excuse'. Frank was negative, drinking, etc... Now she never says anything bad about me. So instead of my 'legacy' in the divorce being negative, it will be positive. That way my self esteem and my girls view of their dad won't be tainted by any of that. And, W has no excuse any more. She doesn't know what she wants. And she's going out the door to find out. I hope she does.

At first I thought "I lost". I worked hard but I still lost. But C pointed out to me that I got 'me' back, found out who I really am, what my core life purpose is. That's a pretty big win. And, I guess I could also say I no longer have the 'burden' of 'taking care' of W any more.

The girls wil be ok, and they will be better off with me anyway. These are their formative years, where they need a strong father figure so they will see what to look for in a man when they are dating. I can do that. And the past couple years W was not able to really assert herself to our teenage daughter. I am, and she needs that.

Oh, there's still some tiny 'smidgen' of a chance that W could still change her mind, but C thinks that right now it is very unlikely. And she's seen her enough to know.

So, no more holding on. And in fact, I have to play 'hardball' or she won't be safe moving out on her own because she will have no 'reality' to take with her to lessen the shock.

How ironic that my last act of love is to be hard on her so she's stronger when she leaves. That's what makes me laugh, that through all this I have done things no other man would or could do. I've always said to people "I'm just not like other people. I'll always be different". Who would have thought?

I'm not exactly sure which board I should be on now so I still have a place to 'rant' about crap in my life. I guess "Divorced but not Done" since we will still be friends. But not 'best friends'.

Still, Frank, even at this place you're at now, your sitch mirrors mine too close for me to throw in the towel on your behalf. I will keep praying for you. You are doing the right thing. Taking care of yourself. If she is where I think she is in all this, you really are doing the only thing you can by letting go.

See ya over in Separated.

Amy