Quote: Send her out there. It's the fastest way to get her back.
And, most importantly, it is the fastest way to get YOURSELF back. It seems you've lost yourself in her drama. Don't do that to yourself... you seem as if you have come too far to let that happen.
Quote: No offense here but your wife's head is so far up in the clouds it's a wonder her feet even touch the ground. All the nonsense she is feeding you about "growth" and "exploring her womanhood" is a stack of BS of epic proportions. Let her fall, Frank. Please stop looking for deeper meanings and ways to justify her behavior. It is what it is.
Yeah. I understand. I'm mostly was asking 'how does she feel' because I someone else told me that she feels her marriage is over and is doing what she's doing to try to 'soften the blow' to me so she doesn't have to feel so guilty. She pretty much told me that the 'intimacy' we shared a month ago was just use using each other for comfort - nothing more.
Quote: She hangs out with a bunch of damn flakes and is so influenced by their idiocy and so-called "spiritual enlightenment" that she can't tell her butt from a hole in the ground. They're parasites and they are sucking her into their hell.
Yeah, it's only really ONE person, she talks to her maybe once a week. She's just ONE person who seems 'normal' but has no idea what she has done to help damage our lives. The rest of her 'spritual' friends think she is very wrong.
Quote: Send her out there. It's the fastest way to get her back. You're not her Daddy.
I guess I was hoping I didn't have to actually go through this, I thought maybe she would see the love after OM was gone. And as much as she says it "was just sex or the physical hugging was just comfort, nothing more" it sure felt like there were real feelings developing. All the little 'flirting', the observations by her friend that we seemed to be 'getting along a lot better'. All the so-called 'signs' and she still is going out the door. I hoped, and I probably shouldn't have.
I thought I could win her over with love. If I can't do that, then there is nothing inside her to touch any more.
Now I'm trying to understand what it will mean to be alone, take care of my kids, and still have to see her weekly. LIving in THIS house which has so much of her in it. Well, the old her. The new her is nobody I know. I wish I could hate her but I can't. It's not like she's mean or anything, she's just DIVORCING me.
And where do I find people to hang out with? Decent, grown up women?
I wish I could believe that if she 'goes' she will come back soon. The only thing for sure is that she will 'go'. I kind of am hoping that when it comes to the wire, she doesn't go, but she seems to feel she 'has no choice'.
Sounds like your W is getting her cue about life, from the movies (or her friends are). I also agree with you that she is being nice to quell the guilt - doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy, hence all the excuses. I think you are doing the right thing by letting her go. She needs to see reality for what it is. And, you are taking control of your own life. I read in a book (can't remember the title right now) that, the one in control of the M, is the one who cares the least. So, try not caring too much, and let her know that the door is open for her to leave, and that she must know that you will be more than fine with it.
You're doing great, Frank! Keep it up! Unless you believe in reincarnation, then this is our only life, so make the best of the situation, and get excited about being on your own - it doesn't have to be a bad thing, if you won't let it. It doesn't even mean you have to go out and meet someone else - just have fun, and let the chips fall where they may.
Also, realise that those 'friends' cannot make your W do anything - this is her doing, and they may just be reinforcing her choices. Sounds like she has some fantasy in her head, and the friends are just going along with it. I found out during the darkest days of my H's confusion, who my friends really were, as it sounds you have. My H could've been your W's twin in that he also somehow managed to not let me know how he was feeling, how he was unhappy, etc. Well, as I tell him now, he is responsible for his own happiness - don't you give me that job, thank you very much. If he can't open his mouth to express his feeling, than don't come crying to me or anyone else that you are misunderstood. Oy! I have come a lonnnnnngggg way!
Well, that's my 2c worth!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I apologize for having been harsh earlier. Your wife makes me angry. I am not at all bewildered by her BS. Been there, done that and have the wrecked marriage to prove it. I do stand by every statement I made but I want to concentrate more on you now. She's "out there" honey and you can't reach her. Until the real world literally comes up and spits in her face and she DEALS with her personal issues she will run as far and as fast as she can. The single best thing you can do is just what your 15 year old daughter told you. Kick her out of the nest. Then set about restoring yours and the girls' lives to some sort of normalcy. It will be ALL NEW, for sure, but it CAN be normal. The last thing you need to worry about is where you will meet grown up, decent women. Besides, haven't you figured out that we're all ON THIS BOARD!? DUH! We're the ones that either have faced or are facing life on life's terms and told it where to stick it and we will make our own happiness from here on out with nothing but the grace of God thank you very much. (Can I get an "Amen", ladies?)
You can do this, Frank. And hopefully, someday she will wake up and it won't be too late.
Quote: Your wife makes me angry. I am not at all bewildered by her BS. Been there, done that and have the wrecked marriage to prove it. I do stand by every statement I made but I want to concentrate more on you now. She's "out there" honey and you can't reach her. Until the real world literally comes up and spits in her face and she DEALS with her personal issues she will run as far and as fast as she can.
Why does everyone keep acting like she's just some runaway girl? Did you ever think that maybe she REALLY DID STOP LOVING ME and is just trying her best to move on with her life? Maybe to recapture some of those years of her life when I was a f*cking loser and didn't or wouldn't feel?
It doesn't matter that I've changed, I'm just not what she wants any more. It didn't work out. Why do we put ourselves through this? Isn't this our fantasy as much as they have theirs?
We don't accept what we are presented with as factual. That it's just the way it is.
Quote: Kick her out of the nest. Then set about restoring yours and the girls' lives to some sort of normalcy. It will be ALL NEW, for sure, but it CAN be normal.
First I'll detach and give her the opportunity to feel what it is like without my support. Then wait a few weeks to see if she goes on her own. Maybe she'll change her mind but it doesn't seem likely.
Quote: You can do this, Frank. And hopefully, someday she will wake up and it won't be too late.
I just do NOT see this. 'wake up'? The feelings have ended. The marriage is over. How can I interpret this any other way? Wake up from what? Sure she's not being very smart about her choices but that doesn't mean that leaving me is a BAD choice.
I'm just being selfish because I want her. I am not seeing the truth.
So, what do I do now? I guess I detach completely. I can be a decent 'friendly' man and still show my caring side. I will reaffirm my 'Alpha Male' self in this family so the kids feel safe.
I will let her out of my heart. I KNOW she will probably react to me when I detach, she has every other time. This time I'll STAY THERE because I'll get sucked in long enough to get hurt when she pulls away again.
God, I'm not much of an inspiration to anybody here any more. I"m sorry. I did all I could do. I did.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I believed - and made my husband believe - the same things.
But love that results in marriage - that results in children and the closeness that you and your wife have shared over so many years...that kind of love does not die. I don't believe so anyway. It gets pushed to the very bottom of one's heart through trial and circumstance and it becomes dormant. The doorway is then opened, at just the right time, for doubt, insecurity and a longing for what "might have been"...to enter. You said you believe in evil. THIS is evil doing it's finest, most wicked work. Wrecking homes. The very structure, the fiber, of the community. Destroyed at it's core. And then that opens another doorway, for that same evil to work in the lives of the children of divorce. They will never function as "whole", healthy human beings. Something very sacred is broken in children when their parents divorce. Something that cannot be repaired except by the love of God Who most of the time, is never even asked to step in and save anyone much less the family itself.
We, through so many different avenues, will hold the door wide open for the enemy to come into our homes but won't even consider cracking the window for the healing power of God to come in.
I made a list of my thoughts and things to do to move on. I'm sad, anxious, afraid and lonely. I wish I didn't have to do this. I have to do this.
What am I not letting go of? W. Let her go. If it's going to happen it's going to happen because I let her go - for real. Accept that she is gone, that she is probably not coming back.
Shut off my interactions with her. Don't be interested in anything she has to say. Set BOUNDARIES. Just BE.
I'm saying goodbye to her in my heart. It's me and the girls, the girls and me
It's selfish to hold on to her. Hurts not just me but the girls and to some extent her too. I've shown her who I am. She knows it. Now, she needs to miss it. Staying this way we are both trapped. This is holding me back.
I CHOOSE to feel what I feel. I choose to feel BETTER.
Make life choices that do not include her She is responsible for her own happiness - not me. This is the end of the marriage - move on
Focus on frank and have faith that I deserve something better.
Start my new life without her. Even if I have to pretend at first.
Be firm, committed to what I am doing.
If asked why I am changing my attitude, tell her this isn't working for me and I need to move forward.
You know best, what's best for you, Frank! We all see things from our perspective at different times and places in our lives, so can only give you our thoughts from there.
You must do what you feel is best for you and your girls! I think that you can walk away from this with your head held high, knowing you did your best. Good luck!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Quote: You must do what you feel is best for you and your girls! I think that you can walk away from this with your head held high, knowing you did your best. Good luck!
I can. I did all I could do except one thing. Let her go. I have to believe AmyC and others. If there is any chance she will come around it will be because I've let her go. But I have to do it for real.
If he can't open his mouth to express his feeling, than don't come crying to me or anyone else that you are misunderstood. Oy! I have come a lonnnnnngggg way! 
(Can I get an "Amen", ladies?)
