Quote: I'm sorry and I know I will likely be in the minority on this one but I think she needs to be shown the door. I DO think she will return, though, once she realizes what she has done. You're enabling her to stay in her fantasy world where all would be perfect if she just had a divorce. BS!!!! Show her what's on the other side of the door. It ain't pretty and she'll learn to appreciate you in such a way that she never forgets. I'd bet on it.
Frank,
I agree with Amy. By showing your wife the door, she will have a quick reality check and will re-consider her position. She is too comfortable in her fantasy world. It seems like she is using you to satisfy her needs. When she wants to make love, she gets it. When she wants to go to the family restaurant, she gets it. When she wants to watch TV shows with you, she gets it. I am not sure if you funded her massage trip or not. It seems as though she is emotionally draining you because she sees the strength in you. I think my wife is doing the same thing. Every time she sees me happy, confident, strong, and doing well, she pushes my buttons to bring me down to her level of guilt and pity. I need to stop reacting, bite my tongue, and just leave. I don’t have time for this!
Quote: For now I am going to distance and she can feel the aloneness. I really hate this and I want it to be over. But, as C said, she is acting like a teenager, she's not getting what she wants.
I feel your pain. It is hard to distance yourself, but in reality, you become stronger and you learn to recover quicker when she hurts or upsets you. I know that my wife is feeling aloneness, but I wonder what it is really doing for her.
Quote: This is not 'giving up', just a strategic retreat for a while. I'm sad, and hurt, but I'm also in a much better place right now than I was about 6 weeks ago when I first did my 'detachment' for real. So it will be less painful this time.
What did you do to detach?
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
Again, it comes down to taking care of yourself. I don't mean that you should be selfish, but one must detach from a situation that is toxic to your mental wellbeing. It doesn't sound like your W knows what she wants. It really is time for her to grow up - imagine what example this is setting for your D. We take our cues for behaviour from the same-sex parent.
Have you thought of renting out your house, and splitting the rental payments with W? That way, the house appreciates in value, and you can sell it further down the line, depending on what your WAW decides. Just a thought.
Take care of yourself!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Yeah OneWish, she does get what she asks for most of the time. Counselor said something similar about not being there any more. As far as 'showing her the door' it's more like 'showing her how to find the door'. Her comment about 'moving forward' was part of a list of things that were 'frustrating her' so it may not be as meaningful as I ws thinking it is.
But she takes things that are said to her so literally that if I, or Counselor tell her 'then start moving on' she WILL think she HAS to do it because we told her to.
I'm just going to give her the space, stop being there, stop giving. I'll let C decide what to do or say about the 'moving on' thing. I just have to expect that she WILL take some action in the near future. She's unhappy and will do anything to 'fix' that it seems. And she has no feelings for me right now.
To detach, I just keep busy doing other things, and don't be around her whenever I can find somewhere else to be.
Quote: Again, it comes down to taking care of yourself. I don't mean that you should be selfish, but one must detach from a situation that is toxic to your mental wellbeing. It doesn't sound like your W knows what she wants. It really is time for her to grow up - imagine what example this is setting for your D. We take our cues for behaviour from the same-sex parent.
Sadly, our D15 is more grounded and more mature than W is. D10 is mostly hurt about the divorce.
Quote: Have you thought of renting out your house, and splitting the rental payments with W? That way, the house appreciates in value, and you can sell it further down the line, depending on what your WAW decides.
If I did that, it would be sensible to rent it to HER or to myself and pay her the difference between that and 1/2 the mortgage and the child support she would end up paying me. But it would be a way to keep it I suppose.
I think talking about selling it would scare her more though.
It does seem a pity to sell your home. We sold ours in our old city, and we are kicking ourselves now, since prices have gone up an average of Cdn$70,000 since 8 months ago. Ah well! Houses where we live now are doing well too, so if we sell, we should make a tidy profit. Although, I think if we did separate, I would hang on to it.
Well, hope you are doing okay today. Try not to let things get to you. Sounds like you do web design or programming, or something like that? I used to do that too, and it can be very engrossing, and help to take one's mind off things. In my experience, anyway.
Just keep up that there sense of humour!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Quote: But she takes things that are said to her so literally that if I, or Counselor tell her 'then start moving on' she WILL think she HAS to do it because we told her to.
WHAT THE HELL?
Frank,
When is the last time your wife made a decision 100% on her own?
Quote: When is the last time your wife made a decision 100% on her own?
When she pursued OM.
I didn't mean to say 'we told her to'.
I'm saying that she would consider mine or Counselors opinion to carry a lot of weight and given that she is so far into 'gotta be divorced' she would use that input to make her decision.
Quote: But it appears she has made a decision, doesn't it? Then she needs to exercise it.
It's the only thing that's going to wake her up. No kidding, Frank. She will stay on this fence as long as you let her.
I'm curious to see what happens when she sees the C tomorrow.
You have done all you CAN do, Frank. And then some. Now let the chips fall where they may.
Amy
Yeah, I know. I have done all I can do. There really isn't anything else except to push her to get off the fence. I keep thinking 'well maybe it's too soon, we should wait a little longer'. I'm sure she'd be comfortable staying the way she is for a while longer. And maybe my detaching will cause her to come closer AGAIN. But how long will that last?
Then again WHEN will be 'the right time' to force her to make a decision? She says she wants 'out' then she should get what she says she wants. Everything else I've done has been on a compressed timetable, why not this?
And I can live with that. And that's what we're all here for. To find solace knowing we did all we could do. I did.
Even Counselor is not happy she has to deal with W about this. She has had high hopes W would not be so foolish, that she would see the goodness around her without having to leave.
Well, we'll see how it plays out tomorrow. C will do the right thing once she gets a reading on W's state of mind.
Tonite W called me at the office to ask some questions and was very pleasant. Maybe this 'moving forward' thing was just part of some overall frustration with her life.
