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time to start a new thread.

Heres the last one: THE LAST ONE

I feel better today. Haven't seen W this morning, she's off on her morning exercise walk. She's got some massages today and some of the usual 'routine' things to do. I'm getting a sense that she really had a lot of other 'Sh*t' in her head yesterday that was just blocking her from being present. I know she had a lot of anxietys on this business trip she went on, a lot of self doubt, a lot of fears. I could speculate on all of them but the truth is it doesn't matter.

Whether or not she feels good or bad about 'us', or even if in her mind there is anything that could be called 'us', she still needs to live her life. And it is HER life, not mine.

So far she's said no words of discouragement, nothing about divorce or separation or things related. And as my Counselor says, the only difference between her life today and her life 6 months ago is that she is not sleeping with me, or having intimate interactions.

What's the same:

* We live in the same house
* She still does all the same 'routines' every day with the kids.
* She does the same household routines, caring for pets, cleaning.
* She talks to me about her days, her issues with others.
* We watch our favorite TV shows together
* We do family stuff together
* When we are at kids functions we get along very well together, are outgoing and joke with each other.
* When she falls down emotionally, I pick her up.

What's different:

* She has her own room, her own space.
* We don't sleep together or have sex
* We have limited 'personal' interactions, hugs, kisses, touching
* We never say 'I love you' or talk about how we feel about each other.
* She has had feelings for someone else that were 'more intense' than the feelings she has had for me for years. So in comparison, the feelings for me seem smaller.
* She has to earn her own money and is struggling to increase her business so she can contribute HALF of all the costs of being in this family.
* She has a real understanding of what it DOES take to support this family financially.
* She is getting her body in better shape, healthier.

What am I grateful for:

* OM was exposed to be a loser quicker than most and now that influence is not there.
* We spent a week allowing ourselves to share intimacy and caring which gave her a new, more positive point of reference of who I am.
* She is examining her past with me and seeing 'the good' that was there, wondering why she didn't see it when she was living it.
* She took time to say how she appreciated some things I was doing for her and our family.
* She is not mean or angry at me any more.
* She doesn't need my approval for the things she does.
* She IS doing things 'on her own' without worrying if 'Frank would like me to do this" or "Will I mess up and make Frank think I can't do this".
* I have relationships with my girls that weren't there before. So much so that when I'm gone, my presence is missed. Even W notices.
* I rarely get angry or yell at the kids
* Instead of deferring all discipline or decisions about the kids to W, I command a strong presence and set expectations for them, and hold them to a higher standard EVEN if it means taking a contrary position from W. And I do all this lovingly and with respect.
* I am getting healthier, and my mind is clear of the fog I was in. I can solve harder problems and actually focus.
* Stopping the use of alcohol as 'medicine' was not a problem. For a lot of people it would have been. I don't even miss it.
* I can see a future that isn't all gloom and doom.
* I stay in the 'crashed and needy' mode less and less.
* I can see that I am a good man, and that I can be loved and desired by a woman.
* I am a source of strength and inspiration for others. That is a real privilege to me.

Sometimes I wish the people who have come to know me through this board, and who believe in the truth of who I am could write her a letter, and tell her not to be afraid, to be willing to see that there is a lot of hope and potential, that her love for all these years did not go to waste. I wish she could see that on her own.

I learned that the love you create within a marriage and a family is much more powerful than the love of infatuation, dependence or anything else that is intense, but fleeting.

However it turns out, I CAN say I did all I could. And be at peace knowing it was her life that needed the fixing just as much as mine. And if we are together again, I'll continue to live my life this new way and never let her or I become those people we were.

For all that, I am grateful.

Time to have a good day.

If you read this, don't forget that if I can do this, so can you!

W came back from walk and told me (kind of nervously) that her friend who didn't like me, who has never had a relationship, who thought OM was a real 'catch', is coming over today. Did not say if it's an overnite but it probably will be.

That means it's 'girls day' since the kids like her and they all get along well. So I told her I needed to get away from the overload of 'female energy' and went to my office for the day.

W had gotten an e-mail from the people from last week whom she wants to work out this new business arrnagement with and they were very happy and want to move forward. She was really pleased and it got her in a good mood today.

A little later when I was leaving to 'get away from all the females in the house' she smiled and said "It's a lot of work for you to balance it out with male energy!" and then she gave my cheek a playful pinch.

Wow, physical contact. A pinch. I guess that's progress or something. She's still 'processing', right?

Well, I'm going home now to see what the evening will bring.

And... days over.

Got home and her friend was still here so it's an overnite. Set up another bed in W's room so they can stay up, read their 'destiny cards' and other stuff like that.

I'd call it really 'girl stuff' except that the 'intepretations' will be colored with the attitudes and beliefs of her friend. Well, she's stayed over before when there was OM to talk about, and he's gone. So, whatever happens is temporary.

When I got home they were all watching a movie (about 8 pm) and W acknowledged my presence. She seemed a bit perturbed about something. I later found out it had been a tough day, kids were bratty and her friend and her have no control over them sometimes. They bring it on themselves though, they have spoiled them to be that way when she's around.
Anyway, it was a little chilly so I started a nice fire. Couple times looked in W's direction and she gave me a 'warm' smile. Other than that most interactions with her were strained. But I know that it's mostly because she was really tired of putting up with the kids all day.

A really weird thing. Got a call from 'T', the guy who is the owner of the massage business that does the hawaii retreats and that she is getting a partnership with. He's a pretty nice guy and he wants me to do some work on his website.

We got to talking about stuff since he and his female partner spent last week with W and it was so interesting how so many things he had to say matched Counselers observations. (He's a counselor also, but not as credentialed and experienced as mine)

Anyway, he's always been a litle cautious and said 'prepare yourself for the divorce so you aren't caught off guard. He also said that "there are some people in 'the group' who don't think it's over for you guys." But right now W does.

"The Group" is a group of about 5 people who work the various workshops with him and his partner. So they know W from those workshops and think her irrational actions are all because of confusion, and her now strong belief that she has to be free and independent' which means being single.

So, while he says that only W will figure out what she wants in her life and she needs time to process.

He hadn't talked to me for about a month and said he was really impressed at how I have developed the 'feminine' (emotion) side of me. W had told him the famliy was all right and that you were keeping everyone so they felt safe.

He said that he could hear in my voice a strength and confidence, way better than when he first started talking to me about this situation back in november.

His most interesting comment was that "quite a few people believe that your marriage is not over. And they are 'rooting' for you and her to fix yourselves and be together. He says (and so does my counselor) that he could see that W operates from her feminine side and that I operate for my masculine side. That makes us unbalanced. She is learning to get that balance by usig her masculine (logical) side in starting this business. I a useing my Feminine side to re-learn how to be an "Uplifting peson"

That made me feel good. Overall a very positive conversation from someone who has an influence in her life.

So, she could be peeking out from her isolation this week. she made it past the first part, she got the job,.

I know she'll be alright, maybe an up cycle wil start? Just finished up a full moon....

Arghh. Gotta vent this.

Around 1 pm W, D10, D15 and W's Girlfriend are hanging around playing card games. Since I generally don't play with them I take the opportunity to go to my office and work on the stuff I DID NOT get done last week because W was out of town and I was MOM AND DAD all week.

So I say 'bye' and D15 says "Where are you going?" I said "you know where I'm going, to my office". D15 says "But it's Sunday, who works on Sunday??"

So I say "I do because I have a lot to catch up on. This is what I do sometimes. And, theres way too much 'girl energy' here for me!"

D15 makes another smart remark about me working on Sunday, how normal people don't work on weekends.

Then W's GF says Jokingly "Well your parents have never been normal!"

Which is true. W often works Satudays and will work Sunday if she gets a client.

Then W adds "Too much female hormones huh?"
I say jokingly 'Yeah, it's more than my testosterone can balance out"

So I leave. But I am PISSED at D15. She basically makes it look like I'm abandoning the family when in reality they are abandoning ME. When W's GF visits the 4 of them hang out together. Not exactly something I would want to do.

But, not being around and isolating is something I USED to do and D15 mouthing off like that in front of W started me thinking that W was remembering those 'bad times'.

So, here I am thinking that W is thinking I suck. And I'm pissed at D15 for being such a jerk and saying such judgemental things in front of her mother. Of course she's 15 and doesn't REALLY know what I have been through and what I'm trying to do to save this family.

Well, had to vent it. I'm sure that when I come home ON TIME for dinner it will be forgotten. But it still raises my anxiety level.

Actually, I am probably making this all up and they didn't think anything after I left. I just hate being in a place where ever interaction has to be examined.

Well, I vented. I feel better now.

Maybe you could have a casual talk D15 at some point in the next day or so and let her know you didn't appreciate her mouthing off in front of "company". Just handle it that way and don't dwell on the stuff she doesn't understand in the first place....

I doubt any harm was done.

Amy

Glad the venting made you feel better. BTW, I finally finished reading all your threads and I have to say (like others) what a journey you have been on Frank. Every time I have a trying time in my sitch, I think of you: Would Frank give in to a knee-jerk reaction or would he think before he acts? Well, I know the answer, so I resist the urge and try and do the right thing, not what just seems instinctual.

I'm sure there will come a time in the future where I can make such decisions on my own, but for now it helps to learn from the more experienced people here.

NewJohn