Thanks - yes, of course, you are right. My problem is that I have conditioned myself to view the famine as not being a day or two or even a week of only getting potatoes and no meat but more a fast of a couple of weeks where I am literally starving. It isn't always that way but it has been enough so that in my heart I believe that is what will happen.
Our famines tend to be complete famines where the most I can expect of H is a halfhearted peck and a fanny pat every day for weeks. I usually start off okay on days one through four or so but as the EC dwindles to nothing and I begin heaving around that block of resentment I have trouble being the initiator of anything - snuggling, affection, sex, sexual innuendo - I drop into a pit of "he doesn't want me/love me where I reside with that block of resentment until I can regroup myself or until H shows signs that he notices I'm there. I realize that this is a very unhealthy cycle and it is the glass that I choose to see as half empty.
Quote: Out of curiosity, what has been the net effect on your sex life?
I guess I should make it clear that "not initiating" is something I decided to do for me, not for my relationship. I didn't want to define myself as HD anymore. I think I came to this realization in Alaska when I found that I had very little desire to be sexual when I was in a fun situation outside my marriage. Back in my wimpy, weepy days when I considered leaving my marriage I felt desperate because I felt like I was sexually undesirable. During my angry phase when I considered leaving my marriage I felt like "I'm out of here! You might not want to f*ck me but there are plenty of guys who would!". After my trip to Alaska, I realized that I wanted to have the option of not feeling like I needed to be in a sexual relationship at all, maybe concentrating on other things in my life. So, I asked myself why it was the case that I could contemplate maybe doing without sex for a year or two if I divorced my husband but I couldn't contemplate going for a week or two without sex while I was married to him. "Not initiating" was my attempt to answer this question. I found that a lot of the answer had to do with ego and plain old sexual infatuation.
The ego part is pretty easy to understand, if you tell yourself that you have no agency over something it's pretty hard to involve your ego. For instance, you might be happy if the sun comes out after many days of rain, but your ego wouldn't be involved in your happiness unless you thought the little sun dance you did was what caused the sun to come out.
Losing my sexual infatuation with my H as a result of not initiating was actually a surprise to me, but it makes sense if you think about it. You see your H's muscles across the room, you think to yourself "Mmmm, yummy beefcake. I gotta get me some of that!". By telling myself that I couldn't initiate sex, I developed the habit of reminding myself if I had that sort of thought "Oops, remember you weren't gonna try to get-me any of that anymore.". So, eventually I mostly didn't even notice the beefcake anymore and if it did come to my attention it just looked like arm muscles, not a symbol for sex. However,I do not mean to suggest that I have become irreversibly LD. Due to my years of experience, I am almost instantly able to convert arm muscle back into beefcake when appropriate. This is part of what I mean when I say it's better to be sexually responsive, rather than HD or LD.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I get exactly EVERYTHING you are saying... 'cept I left behind my LDness the same way... kind of in reverse order.... I was tired of being a non-sexual person, avoiding my own sexuality, fearing it...
I didn't want to be LD... didn't want to be HD, either... for all the reasons you have talked about... I just went about it in a similar manner... am I a sexual person? What does that feel like to me? What do I like? What don't I like? Can I be sexually responsive even if I don't feel up to it mentally/emotionally?
It wasn't something I became determined to TRANSFORM myself into... I just wanted to try these things and see how I responded, how I felt, what it would be like... and in the beginning... I had to do mental reminders like you.... but I did it for no one other than me...
<nod> I get EXACTLY what you are saying... and in this approach, there ISN'T anything to worry about (will it go away, will it be enough, will it not be enough)... because the other person has NOTHING to do with your personal exploration and discovery.... not that they become non-human or not important... it's just that they are no longer in any way responsible for my fulfillment or lack of it....
This question is so deep it deserves its own thread:
Quote: So, I asked myself why it was the case that I could contemplate maybe doing without sex for a year or two if I divorced my husband but I couldn't contemplate going for a week or two without sex while I was married to him.
That was a great question for its own thread. I have been out of a M and without sex for a period of time and I was happy to do without sex with no meaning, lousy sex, sex with strangers etc... but I was extremely UNHAPPY to do without sex for both physical and psychological reasons.
I didn't want to stay celibate but I didn't want to go down the road of miserable or meaningless sex either. However, there was an acting out side of me that kinda did want to go out and just once have completely inappropriate sex with someone who thought I was sh!t hot (someone younger or impossibly sexy but irresponsible or something like that). That was a momentary impulse, easily pushed aside. I guess, Mojo that I can see where even inside marriage one could begin to view the impulse to initiate just like that - momentary, easily pushed aside.
However, I feel that there would forever be an lack of fulfillment, a sadness in me that I didn't have the kind of bonded sexual life that for me is a hallmark of a successful, happy M. There is part of me that sees the state of health of the SL as a measure of my womanhood but also my wifehood (if you will). I would feel (as I do) that I am leading half a life. That is why when my R with H developed to the point that things were clearly headed down a sexual road I felt so thrilled, like God had handed me a gift, a second chance at happiness, at being partnered with someone, at expressing myself fully. Well, turns out , of course, that it just wasn't going to be that easy. Now I believe that God/life/fate said "Guess what - you have to work for it." That's ok but this has been some really hard work and it just keeps being hard. Letting go, non-attachment isn't easy that is for sure, Mojo. I'm just not sure that non-attachment will get me where I want to go. I might get more of myself back but I'm not sure that the "usness" I am seeking will be the net effect. Unfortunately, as of yet, I don't have a better answer so the net result remains to be seen.
I am writing this while the baby is napping, H has taken DS14 and his buddy out on a bike ride and DD8 is doing homework. It is 84 degrees and the tide is in. I am feeling at peace despite the fact that H isn't feeling particularly cuddly nor sexual YET.
On our drive down I took the 15 passenger van with the foster kids and the little ones. H drove the Jeep CJ-7. It is completely restored and a lot of fun to drive on the beach. However, as an old car it is prone to mechanical issues. Sure enough, five hours into the drive, it broke down. This is a 14 hour drive if nothing bad happens. So....after H tinkered with it on I-95 for 45 minutes, he called AAA and stayed with it in Rocky Mount, NC while a shop worked on it and the kids and I continued on to Daytona. As it happened, they fixed it but H was so strung out and so far behind us by then that he spent the night at a Comfort Inn and drove down the next day. He was ok about it because that is one of the hazards of driving a restored jeep. So...he got here yesterday afternoon and we all had a very nice day but we were really done in when bedtime came, baby was experiencing night terrors and cried in her sleep at intervals throughout the night - lovely. Anyway, relaxation is coming slowly but it is coming.
Already H committed the first "party foul" when he stretched out on the couch to watch a DVD and accidentally broke a lamp. His laughing response was evidence that he is starting to breathe. I am biding my time looking for the opportunity to spend time with the vacation version of H. I really enjoy that.
Quote: There is part of me that sees the state of health of the SL as a measure of my womanhood but also my wifehood (if you will). I would feel (as I do) that I am leading half a life.
I totally dig this. And I don't want to change this about myself. I DO want to get the chip off my shoulder...
Quote: There is part of me that sees the state of health of the SL as a measure of my womanhood but also my wifehood (if you will). I would feel (as I do) that I am leading half a life.
I know what you are saying but it seems to me that one way or another you are taking on a responsibility that should be your H's. You are giving him what he wants or is willing to ask for sexually, right? Would you magically become a better woman or wife if you woke up tomorrow married to a man with a higher drive?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: So, I take it, Mojo, that you credit your shift in philosophy with making you happier in your sl and likely, happier in general. I feel as if I can shift the philopsophy and then I will just become more philosophical about not being happy.
Sometimes, I feel like that's the purpose of this board and of SSM in general. "You may not get any (more), but you'll feel much better ABOUT not getting any, and hey, didn't that GAL gym membership make your TRICEPS look much better!"
Then again, I'm feeling cynical today.
Choc., who's sexless, but has REALLY nice triceps....
Quote: I would feel (as I do) that I am leading half a life.
Let's say you are Ginger Rogers and feel most fulfilled when you are part of a dance team and you are actually dancing. You KNOW you are a great dancer, but you only fully enjoy your own dancing ability when you are partnered. Dancing with Fred Astaire just isn't as fulfilling as dancing alone. So even if you give yourself high marks as a dancer after you have broken up with Fred, the fact is that for you to be fully aware of and in full enjoyment of your dancing ability, you must dance with a well-matched partner.
Sometimes, I feel like that's the purpose of this board and of SSM in general. "You may not get any (more), but you'll feel much better ABOUT not getting any, and hey, didn't that GAL gym membership make your TRICEPS look much better!"
LOL! I was just talking about that. So true. I may not have my SL the way I want it, but darn it, my butt looks better than ever.
