Quote: Now how do you take someone who has always had communication issues and convince them that communication is the key in building a healthy relationship?
Ah, and that would be key, would it not? That brings up my question earlier about wether our W's really weren't verbal communicators, or that they just weren't with US. If the later is true, then what would need to happen is for them to feel "safe" or at least comfortable being honest and open with us. I know in my case, that will take a lot because I have done a TERRIBLE job, even of late, in validating and not judging my W. What makes me think she is going to open up if she percieves me standing there with a knife ready to stab her as soon as her guard drops? Anyway, like we've been told, too much focus on that, and not enough on us. Shift...
Quote: so recently when we were having a dead end convo, I said I was going to take the dog for a walk and asked H to go and believe it or not he did and the walk was pleasant. I will have to remember this as something that works.
This is GREAT, Misty! You're really "getting it" here!! Yes, changing ANYTHING can really work!!
Is there a way to start expressing your inner most feelings? Guess, I am at a standstill and can't get this ball rolling???
Maybe you can start out with some relatively safe, non-OR type of stuff. Things like feelings you have about books you've read, movies you've seen, news events, etc. Start with these things, "practice" with some topics that are less likely to become emotionally charged for both of you, and let the ball start rolling from there.
What topics like this can you think of to get started with? Some things that you might have some "inner most" feelings on, outside of any relationship stuff, that you can talk with him about?
P.S. I think that your walk was also a great one of those "quality moments" away from the house for both of you, don't you?! Keep looking for more of these!
Thanks NM. What a GREAT thread that is. Rob, check that one out!
As for that specific post applying to my sitch, well, like I said, we have never had trouble communicating in general. It's only when it comes to talking about US that we have problems. We express emotions and feelings all the time about all kinds of different subjects. Neither of us are shy when it comes to that. I think what I take from that post, and some of what I read on the rest of the thread is that I really need to start listening to my W and stop trying to second guess what her reaction is going to be. I think that is the major barrier for me right now. How many times have I said lately "I would say xxxxx but I know my wife would just say xxxxxx." It would probably help if I just admit I don't know my W nearly as well as I thought, and not nearly enough to read her mind effectivly so maybe I should stop assuming I know what she's thinking. I know people have told me this, and so has my reading, but sometimes it's the 104th time you are told something that it sinks in.
Ok here is a little diddy about yesterday. I alluded to this on Donlee's thread.
I got home before W and kids. W and I both agreed it was laundry day (we basically had not done much since returning and it was a LOT to do so I said I would help out. Hey, I need to learn for when she's not there...lol) and I said I would get started when I got home. Ok, so I get all the kiddies clothes dumped on our bed, ready to sort. I notice one of those f@#king t-shirts on our bed, right next to W's pillow. Of course, curiosity killed this cat and I smelled the shirt. What a coincidence, it smells just like that little f#$king bear! Of course, with the house empty, I did a little venting. Afterwards, I began forming how I was going to confront my W with this. I had it all planned out, and...well...wait... Did this really change anything? Did it mean, as I was SURE it did, that she was so totally hung up on him that she needed a powerful reminder like his smell with her as she slept BESIDE ME? Hmmmm. Was there any other possibility, and even if not, like I said, did it really change anything? I calmed down a bit and tried to look at things without the emotions I was feeling. I didn't have much time because W was coming home soon. At first, I decided that I would not SAY anything, but I went and got the bear from were S3 "hid it" lol, and arranged it neatly in the neck hole of the t-shirt as a kind of shrine to my knowledge of what these things were. I went back to folding laundry. I looked over at my little sculpture of doom and decided that it was a pathetic, passive/aggressive thing to do and if anything I would just say something or not. Well, in the end, what I did was return the bear to his home in S3's room (I SWEAR, I had NOTHING to do with him taking it) and put the "dirty" shirt in the laundry to be washed. Basically, I am not going to have something in my bed that belongs to another man (ok, don't go there, I know what you're thinking...stop), smells included, so I am going to simply remove it from the area. If it returns, I will remove it again but like the bear, I suspect once the shirt is gone, it will not return anytime soon. I am also not going to worry about what it means. Like I keep saying, it changes nothing about what is going on. It could mean she has broken things off and is mourning that by clinging to these things, or she is so in love she can't bear (no pun intended) to be without his scent. Who knows, it could be a new perfume she is trying out. I could be mildew from our closet. Who knows, and more importantly, who the hell cares! What I KNOW is that I am deciding not to let it affect me, and thus I do not need to talk to her about it. I got pissed, raged a bit, yelled at the walls, and then moved on. I am NOT MY emotions, nor my reactions to them. I can choose to make an issue of something or not. It's up to me, and ultimately I have to live with my decisions. It feels good to know that and really DO it! I consider this one more hurdle towards getting to the point where I am detached "enough". I want to be detached enough so that these daily reminders of what is going on no longer affect me as if they were the first time I am finding out about the A. Trust me, they still do, but now I am better able to identify that and STOP my reaction to them. Somewhere it says to not sweat the small stuff and that everything is small, or something like that. Great words to live by. I have more important things to do like edit my Ireland pictures, design an album from my last wedding and figure our where I want to go with the kids for St. Patrick's day!
Ok, this came out of left field and I am trying to be even tempered about it but...wow. About 20 minutes ago I get this call:
W: Hey, I'm at the Zales (jewelery store) outlet. I am looking at this ring. It's white gold with some small diamonds set in it. Should I get it? It's...(goes on about cost)
(Now, a little background to refresh you all. She has recently talked about replacing the claddagh ring she bought in Ireland with a white gold one. I thougt this was what she was talking about.)
M: Sure. I guess. It is what you want? I just wish I was there to buy it for you. W: Yes. I like it, and you are, I am just picking it out. M: Well, I don't really know how to ask this, but I guess I just come out and ask. Is this ring "I'm" buying you is for us right? W: What do you mean? M: Well, it's a claddah, an Irish lover's ring. Is that about us? W: (laughing) What do you mean, I'm just talking about a band, not a claddagh. I need a ring to wear every day that's not my platinum ring so of course it's about us. My other one gets too scratched up when I work out. We have a little extra money right now and I thought it would be a good time. M: (stunned by the implications) Ok. Sure. I would love to buy you a ring you wear every day. I was going to do that anyway but the time wasn't right. W: Ok, well I will get it and they'll have it sized by tonight.
WTH? So she's buying, er, I'm buying her a new wedding band for every day wearing? Wow. What can I say. Like I said all along, my W will NOT verbally communicate stuff like this. This is exactly how she does things. Dunno if that's good or bad, but I can't help but smile at THIS action she's taken. We'll see... Milestone, could be. End of the road? NOT BY A MILE...or a thousand. I will post more tonight about this when I know more. I truly won't believe it until I see her put it on her finger. For now, inner smile. Wow.
Thank you! Yea, I hope so. We did connect, but silly me still found a way to fixate on the times we didn't quite get along, or rather I thought SHE might do that. Guess once again I was wrong. I actually LIKE being wrong now and again, lol! I wish I understood LONG ago how wrong I was sometimes and that it was ok to be so.
Quote: Who knows, and more importantly, who the hell cares! What I KNOW is that I am deciding not to let it affect me, and thus I do not need to talk to her about it. I got pissed, raged a bit, yelled at the walls, and then moved on. I am NOT MY emotions, nor my reactions to them. I can choose to make an issue of something or not. It's up to me, and ultimately I have to live with my decisions. It feels good to know that and really DO it!
I think you're getting the hang of it - WHO CARES! You control YOU and only you. And see how positive it turned out? Glad you got a handle on it before W came home. Just imagine had you gone off on her, maybe she never would have gone to look at the ring today - how's that for a thought!
Quote: Just imagine had you gone off on her, maybe she never would have gone to look at the ring today - how's that for a thought!
Oh, it's the very first thought that popped into my head and I am still marveling over it. Really, IF this all works out, and I am far from believing in it, how much more evidence do we need that this stuff can work? Now all she has to do it put the ring on the right finger...lol.
