I decided to post here on Barney's thread just to perhaps show/say that it is not at all a big deal to me or that there was anything wrong with him posting on mine and not vice versa. He's the one who came here with the question to be answered and whatever he needed to do/ask to get it answered was fine with me.
Gel,
I agree with what you said here in your post. Yes, you said it very well.
Quote: ,
I hate to tell you this....but as you already know, you have no control over NG and her feelings. I completely understand what you are saying in that you want her to want sex, but you don't know that she doesn't, especially when she's telling you she does. People express their feelings/desires so very differently, some of us (like you and I and other HD's on this BB) are very open about expressing a desire for sex with their partners. Then of course there are others like NG (myself in the past) and my H who are very subtle...almost to the point of us missing their cues.
So...what's my point? Just because she doesn't show it the way you might or the way you want her to doesn't mean she doesn't want it, and doesn't want YOU.
It isn't hard for me to express things at all. I can. I can come right out with it. But I prefer the more mysterious/romantic ways about going about it. Why? It turns me on more and is more sexy.
But, alas, in the life of working full time and 2 children who keep me very busy...time for thinking about sex isn't too much! Kids are 12 and 8 yrs.
So "coreographed" times of when we are alone in a hotel is because I HAVE TIME to be with Barney and actually have time to feel sexy and think about sex!!! So scheduling lunch dates to talk about us/about sex/and about our relationship is essential. As well as scheduling sex! Sorry, that's just the part of life that I am in.
Gel, I'm going to have to post more times because I don't know how to do more than one quote per post.
But I think for the most part you expressed where I am at.
Hard nipples are not a sign that I am turned on. It may be that I am cold or that they are being rubbed. Am I the only one like this...or is this a sign that some women are turned on. Barney's statement below...he either really thinks this and doesn't believe me...or he is forever teasing me about it. I haven't been able to determine that one. Either way...log in on your response.
Quote: , although I can't imagine walking past her with hard nipples showing through her shirt without commenting. I know we show interest in different ways.
Barney and I had several very good talks where he told me that he needed 2 things.
1) To be more verbal about what I needed and enjoyed during sex and
2) Oh, forgot my all my vitamins today...cabbage soup/cleanse...help me! Barney I forgot...ok, this is NOT because it isn't important...I'm sure most here will say that is the case...not so. I know a few things that help..but I forgot. I care about what you said, really. Oh, geesh!
Barney, please write it down here to keep for all time!
Barney said,
I don't really care what signal she gives. It's like Choc said, "It's the look in her eyes and felt in her kisses." I'm not the "do-it-my-way-or-else" guy that I come off as here on the BB.
Barney is right when he said he is not the do it all my way guy or else...as he comes across here.
I think I tend to remember when I did it right and when I was engaged...and Barney remembers and posts here when Iwasn't engaged. And we are both right! Put both views together and you get a more correct view.
So having both parties posting can be a real plus in that it tends to flush out reality rather than just my POV.
Barney said, "I've caught a lot of grief for afterward telling NG that the sex didn't really do it for me. I wasn't trying to say that she was lousy in bed, although that's what she heard, I was saying that she didn't have (or show me) that look in her eyes. I'm sure I could have said it better than I did, but it really was an attempt to stay engaged rather than withdraw from the game. I can't be a good guy by pretending that something is what it's not."
We've all said a lot of unkind things in frustration. Barney and I have talked through what he said about me and how "I did sex." Talked some about my body...and I'm about 75% over that. I'm still going to need more reassurance and words to get over it. I accept what he says, because I respect him and know him to be an honest man. Not perfect...but neither am I.
And so we all wonder why we have issues in our M? ha ha...a major reason is our differences and how that effects our communciation!!!
He read my question about "nipples" and came laughing to me asking me if I understood what he wrote...ha ha obviously not! Maybe the rest of you are laughing too I sure am now ...anyway, his point was that would he ever pass me when my nipples were showing through my clothes and not comment? Well, I can answer that....NO! Hence, he couldn't understand why I could pass him and not comment when I saw a hard on! dah!
So if you got that...yea! Not me! And so is there any wonder there are problems to work through? Just that example of misunderstandning and communication....and that was nothing big at all
Wow...it's great that you two were able to figure that out together. I wonder how many times in our relationships something is said and it's taken the wrong way by the person hearing it.
That happens so much....what I find also happens quite a bit is someone takes something that's not said by the other person.....the wrong way too. You know....assuming because someone didn't say something that they mean xyz....or that they feel xyz.
That is something my H and I used to both do quite a bit.
Very true. I saw someone had written that Barney had said something here...that actually he didn't say. Someone else said it in response to him. I don't think it's anything to get bent out of shape over.
As long as people are dealing with each other there is room for miscommunication. And blame doesn't necessarily need to be placed on a person...just differences in how we all hear!
And we wonder why there are problems in relationships. We may all find that we weren't that far off....we just thought we were because of communciation!
I've sure found out that things we got upset about...was what we THOUGHT the other one said. But when we took the time to listen to each other...we found out that they didn't say what we thought...it was totally different...like ha ha the nipples showing through my blouse!
1) It is incredibly easy to tell when a woman actually wants sex versus she is doing it for you. This is why it is so hard for LD woman to fix their situations, they basically can not give convincing performances. You can not ML to a woman that has no desire, you can only have (hooker) sex.
2) If sex is work for the LD spouse, then eventually they will resent having to do it, they can not keep it up. Also, as the HD spouse, you feel rotten for making them do it. Compare this to shopping. Let say you like to shop every weekend. You husband openly admits that he does not desire to shop, but will if it will keep you happy. So for the rest of your life, your ONLY choice for shopping is to drag him along. Either you will drop the shopping and resent him for the fact you had to drop shopping, or you will cheat and find another shopper. Basically, nothing good is going to come from this situation.
3) Profound expressions of love are to give your spouse what they want. Marriage is supposedly all about giving. He is not asking her to give sex, he is asking her to give desire, HUGE difference.
1) you said, "It is incredibly easy to tell when a woman actually wants sex versus she is doing it for you. This is why it is so hard for LD woman to fix their situations, they basically can not give convincing performances."
If it is "performances" that are either being given or wanted then, in my opinion, that IS the problem.
Also said, " You can not ML to a woman that has no desire, you can only have (hooker) sex."
So the question is...IS it "making love" or "hooker" sex? Unless there are probems in the Relationship...then why can't 2 people who love each other "make love." For me as a "Lower Drive" than my H...my sex drive is not as "at the boiling point" as his is. So then...if you love them...you BEGIN to MAKE LOVE and then "begin to boil". Desire follows arrousal. And arousal can come different ways too....5 Love Languages! But always great foreplay as well.
To me the fix is simple. It takes an open, honest relationship and 2 people willing to listen to the other person.
2) I think I pretty much responded to this in #1. But I will say...shopping. Ok. So if I want my H to shop with me...WE BOTH CHANGE somewhat...we shop shorter and not for what I just want...but also for what he enjoys too. And, I might say we have worked out this in our R.
Both have to compromise and be understanding of each other.
3) I don't know that Barney will post here anymore. It is his choice. Not my "control". He is free to get honest advice here. He addressed this earlier on this thread. I won't speak to this point, as it would be up to him to speak for himself.
I have no expereince with hookers. What I mean by this is that hookers have sex for a reason, money. It is a business proposition. They are not there becasue they love sex. They are not there for the EC. They are not there because they want to make themselves vulnerable. They are not there because they are fascinated with every square inch of the other persons body. They are not there because they they love to give another person the most intense physical feelings possible. They are not there because they love to make another orgasam.
They are there because they have business (chores) to attend to. I know with my wife, she NEVER wants to provide ANY of the above things in our relationship. And yet, ALL of the above things are very important in a good relationship. The problem is that for most LD's, they can never understand this.
I know we show interest in different ways.
obviously not! Maybe the rest of you are laughing too 
I sure am now 
the nipples showing through my blouse! 
