You are at a hard phaze right now with the detaching and the waitting. But now is the time to wait it out to see if your ex is really in fear of losing you or just a fear of losing.
Do not have sex with him unless it is something you truely want. (A lot of woman use sex as a means to try to keep someone in there life which does not really work in the way they intend it to) No matter how much he badgers you on this area of your relationship.I don't think it is productive to helping your sitch. No sense in letting him have his cake and eat it to. That can only cloud his vision to where he really stands and what he has done.
You are doing awesome.
I do have one question It seems ex comes to your house alot. Why? Is it on the pretense to see the kids? If so why always at your house. And at these times do you stay there or go off to do errands or things for yourself. Just wondering if this is enabling him to keep his sense of this is his house also and family atmosphere. Keeping him from sensing a lose of these things.
I'm upset with myself. Especially after reading your post, Chrissy. I succumbed. Gosh, what is wrong with me? Yesterday he called/emailed a few times. I've been noticing, he calls in the afternoons right when he wakes up. I've been noticing this a lot. I can hear the sleep still in his voice. So he'll call when he 1st wakes up; then calls again once he's gotten to his night gig. Compleytely off the subject - simply something I've noticed.
Tuesday night he called around 1 AM and I answered - I haven't been answering these late night calls lately, so I thought I would this time. We just chit-chatted for a few minutes. This morning, there was the usual emails, hinting at ML - I told him I didn't like the idea that the time he came here was contingent upon sex, told him I would leave and he could be here with the 2 little ones (who are napping from 12 to 3 anyway!). He did say that he would be here around 1 regardless of anything else and that he would bring lunch. I fell asleep on the couch waiting for him and when he got here, well, he laid on the couch next to me, woke me up nicely, and, well - one thing led to another.
Chrissy, to answer your question, he only moved out 3 weeks ago. So everything is still all new, I guess. He's a morning dj and works M - F, 5 AM to 11 AM, plus T, R, F NIGHTS and various weekends. The only nights he's off are Mondays & Wednesdays - so that's when he comes to see the kids after getting off the air from the morning. He comes here because where he works/lives is about an hour away. It wouldn't work any other way with the kids schedules/ D7 getting home from school. Besides - I don't want them at his place if I can help it. Too much opportunity for OW to get involved.
Also, and maybe I'm wrong - but if he gets too familiar with the kids coming to "his" place, that's kind of like taking away another "unknown". Getting too comfortable in his "new" life. Once again - my thinking may be way wrong. I want his apartment to be cold & stark - no kids, no me. Let him leave here - the comfortable, safe place he knows and go to that empty, dark apartment. Here is "home" - does that make sense? Am I wrong thinking that?
Anyway, back to today's activities. I confused myself by doing it. It wasn't expected or planned (who knows, maybe by him, but not me!), I didn't feel used - yet I'm upset with myself. I don't know what to make of my thoughts yet.
Sara - thanks. Haven't heard from the old job yet. Still getting apps from some local places as well. If I don't hear from the old place by Friday, I'll call them. And if it doesn't pan out, something else will.
Quick update - he just called and asked if I was mad because of what we did. Because I said we weren't going to anymore. I said I wasn't mad at him, if I was mad at anyone it would was myself.
Take a deep breath sweetie. Are you doing it all wrong please tell me if there is a right way to deal with unwanted chaos in our lifes and if so what it is. Each situation is different as the individuals in the situation. I am just a outsider looking in not dealing with the emotional chaos you feel. Every person here feels differently even if the sitches are simular and I am definetly not one to judge your actions. You know the old adage people in glass houses should not throw stones. Even so I do not see anything you did as bad if you wanted or needed it for some reason.
It wouldn't work any other way with the kids schedules/ D7 getting home from school
Sounds logical. But you do not always need to be present unless you want to. Let him be responsible for the kids in his time with them. If you feel more comfortable with it being in your home fine just maybe you should make yourself scarce sometimes when he is there. Unavailable like he is when he is with the other woman.
Too much opportunity for OW to get involved I understand this. The thought of my H in another relationship does not rile me but the thought of my kids being involved within that relationship can set me off. They are mine and I want no one else to step into my shoes with them even for a minute.
Let him leave here - the comfortable, safe place he knows and go to that empty, dark apartment. Here is "home" - does that make sense
Yes
Am I wrong thinking that?
Not sure. My worry is that since he is still feeling the effects of the comfort of home he will over look how stark that apartment is for a long time. He has a taste of family life and singlehood all rolled up in one day. Pretty much a full course meal with all the trimmings.
I confused myself by doing it
Confused yourself by acting on your own needs. Though H started it you responded to it. Nothing confusing in that. I find the fact that he keeps coming to you as confusing to you since other woman is there to meet his needs and prior to his leaving he felt that was what he wanted. But now that does not seem to be satisfying him either. Again is this a signal that all is not well and he made a mistake or just a case of having his cake and eatting it to. How are you to define the intent of his actions. You can't you are just second guessing them I think that is what is confusing you.
I didn't feel used - yet I'm upset with myself.
Here is a bit of logic to your illogical thoughts.Or maybe vica versa
You did not feel used because you also got something from the encounter. Like a hug that was needed after a hard day. Emotionally you have been dealing with alot. You needed comfort simply put. Should you have allowed that form of emotional hug. Depends on how badly you needed it. Does not mean you will fall into a habit of it. Nor does it mean you were used anymore then you used him for what you needed at the time. Better then a stranger.
And you are upset because you are fighting your own emotions. It is not natural to fight what you feel but under the circumstances you need to. And for a few brief moments you stopped fighting and went with them. Now you feel dismay. And I presume a feeling of losing the battle. So one battle lost the war is still not lost though. Don't put to much emphasis on one action one day one feeling. Tomorrow you will choice other actions and it will be another day and who knows how you will feel.
Okay enough of my babble.
I'm upset with myself. Especially after reading your post, Chrissy. I succumbed
Hopefully I have been able to dispell some of your dismay at least the part that was brought upon you from my post.
We are human we react as humans with emotions or should do so. So please do not be so hard on yourself for doing just that.
NM, I'm with you on the "no kids around OW" plan. I told my W that she could have our D over whenever OM isn't there, but he hasn't had anywhere to go, so she hasn't had D over and that has made her depressed.
Tonight is the first night that D has spent with her in the six weeks she's had the apartment, since OM is out of town for a few days.
Our D, who is only 4, called W on a lot of things tonight. For example, "Whose toothbrush is this, mommy?" "Where is Daddy going to sleep?" "I want Daddy to spend the night, too."
I think having D over is going to remind her how much she has given up and will be very good at making her feel guilty.
So, personally, if he promises to keep OW away from your kids, I think you ought to consider it. I think they will only make him feel guilty, and having them over will be very bittersweet to him.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: Are you doing it all wrong please tell me if there is a right way to deal with unwanted chaos in our lifes and if so what it is. Each situation is different as the individuals in the situation. I am just a outsider looking in not dealing with the emotional chaos you feel. Every person here feels differently even if the sitches are simular and I am definetly not one to judge your actions. You know the old adage people in glass houses should not throw stones. Even so I do not see anything you did as bad if you wanted or needed it for some reason.
Wanted it? Needed it? LOL. This is killing me. We were always very active in that area. Like every other day. So anything less than that - well, enough said. And it goes along with this:
Quote: Confused yourself by acting on your own needs. Though H started it you responded to it. Nothing confusing in that. I find the fact that he keeps coming to you as confusing to you since other woman is there to meet his needs and prior to his leaving he felt that was what he wanted. ut now that does not seem to be satisfying him either.Again is this a signal that all is not well and he made a mistake or just a case of having his cake and eatting it to. How are you to define the intent of his actions. You can't you are just second guessing them I think that is what is confusing you.
You have said it better than I could have. That's it exactly! If the OW is so wonderful, if he's packed up & moved out to go pursue that other R, then why the hell is he still coming back to me? That's where all MY confusion comes in. I'm still trying to learn his intent and meaning behind it all. I need to stop that - trying to figure HIM out and just worry about my own damn self.
Quote: Sounds logical. But you do not always need to be present unless you want to. Let him be responsible for the kids in his time with them. If you feel more comfortable with it being in your home fine just maybe you should make yourself scarce sometimes when he is there. Unavailable like he is when he is with the other woman.
Sorry - I didn't mean to make it sound like I was here all the time. I've been using these times that he's scheduled to be here to get out when I can. I usually do leave for a bit when he comes here. He's only the taken kids to his place once - the 1st weekend he moved out. And, everything he brought of the kids to his place, he brought back. Didn't leave anything there.
Quote: Too much opportunity for OW to get involved I understand this. The thought of my H in another relationship does not rile me but the thought of my kids being involved within that relationship can set me off. They are mine and I want no one else to step into my shoes with them even for a minute.
The major problem that I have with this is that *we* still are involved to a degree. On the good side, he has NOT ever indicated to me that he wants to involve the kids in that R with OW - yet. I think he knows that by being involved with me at some levels, that should he want to introduce the kids - it would signify an END to everything with me. In the past, I have point blank told him that. Maybe my way of controlling things, as Oldtimer pointed out once. I had told him that there would be no way that type of scenario was ever going to occur. The subject has not come up since he's moved out. I find that strange as well. Especially since OW's issues (that I'm aware of) were meeting his kids and his family. So far - no go on either of those issues.
Quote: Am I wrong thinking that? Not sure. My worry is that since he is still feeling the effects of the comfort of home he will over look how stark that apartment is for a long time. He has a taste of family life and singlehood all rolled up in one day. Pretty much a full course meal with all the trimmings.
I'm not sure here either. Jury is still out. I know he feels the loss of the kids - indicated by how often he calls them. Like I pointed out earlier - he calls immediately when he wakes up. It's like he wakes up - realizes he's not here - reaches for the phone and calls. He's barely awake. When he was living here, the period of time between when he got up and left for work again was important to him. Now that time is gone! He only gets to see the kids 2 days a week and various weekends.
Quote: Hopefully I have been able to dispell some of your dismay at least the part that was brought upon you from my post.
Don't take it the wrong way. I absolutely appreciate what you said. I guess I thought I was doing well, I could see that he was starting to get a glimpse of how it would be without me. Then only after one week of saying no, I said yes. I don't want to lose my credibility, I suppose. And, after thinking about it - when he called and asked if I was mad about it - he KNEW exactly what he was doing. If I were to admit it to myself - I LIKE that he still wants me. I see it as a sign of his confusion.
I'm trying to think of him in different terms these days. Putting aside all the crap that we'v been thru, I look at him from the point of view of whether he was someone I would want to date. He's funny, smart, sexy, hard-working, complex and intriguing. Someone I would be interested in. However, I remind myself that he sees another woman. So, from that frame of mind - I try to act "as if". It helps - a lot! It allows me to be more "ME". I'm a lot freer, more easygoing & light hearted when he's around. I don't let any of our history creep in and sour my mood. I push it all away. I can't stress enough how much it helps my PMA and makes our interactions much less stressed.
Enough rambling for now!
Update...he emailed me that today he's got to go the next town over for a work thing....i'm proud that I answered with "Sorry, that's a lot of driving for you. Plus work tonight." The "other" me would have jumped at the chance to ask him to come stay here until he has to leave for work tonight. Not gonna do it - wouldn't be prudent! LOL
IMPO, you are making this separation easy for him by having him have full use of the house and family whenever he wishes. I also think it is bull that the current pattern with seeing the kids is the only one that would work. If you were D (yeah, I know, you aren't married), but if you were D, you would find an arrangement to make this work. You are using this as an excuse to see him and control him.
You will never win your SO by trying to limit his options for happiness without you, or by preventing him from seeing how happy he might be without you. Love is not driven by fear.
His "you aren't mad at me" comment is probably a bit of projection. He may be mad at you for not maintaining your boundary or mad at himself for getting sucked back in. I would be very surprised if you don't now see him backing off, or after a few more rounds of sex, backing off. I'd also be very surprised if you don't feel a bit miserable for awhile -- not because you miss him, but because you don't like feeling like your old self.
And PLEASE tell me that you are practicing safe sex for your sake and the sake of your children.
Quote: IMPO, you are making this separation easy for him by having him have full use of the house and family whenever he wishes. I also think it is bull that the current pattern with seeing the kids is the only one that would work. If you were D (yeah, I know, you aren't married), but if you were D, you would find an arrangement to make this work. You are using this as an excuse to see him and control him.
I just can't figure out any other solution other than telling him he can't come here. I have no idea how to fit in him seeing the kids with his work schedule. You will probably tell me to let him figure it out, right?
Even though we are not married, I do see this as a kind of D. THIS would be the solution. For now. It doesn't have to be this way forever. Nor do I plan on it being so. How do I envision the future, you may ask next? Well, I don't know. Not yet. I'm still getting my act together. Who knows - maybe I'll make the decision to move South. I don't know. Maybe he'll get a job offer and move out of state. I don't know. Crystal ball has been dim for a while now.
Until such time that I know what "I" want to do next, I'm doing what I can. Getting a job; working on me; and yes, I'll admit I'm guilty of trying to simultaneously work on some of our "R" issues. And maybe that's too much. Maybe I should just completely let go. Maybe some day soon I will learn exactly how to do that.
Quote: You will never win your SO by trying to limit his options for happiness without you, or by preventing him from seeing how happy he might be without you. Love is not driven by fear.
True. This is what I was thinking when I asked him to move out. So, what am I doing wrong? How come I feel like no matter what I do or don't do; whatever I say or don't say just isn't right?
Quote: I would be very surprised if you don't now see him backing off, or after a few more rounds of sex, backing off. I'd also be very surprised if you don't feel a bit miserable for awhile -- not because you miss him, but because you don't like feeling like your old self.
Actually, he was still the same old, same old - emailing & calling last night & today. His email telling me he was coming out this way today was unexpected as well. Like he was fishing- however I did not take the bait. I backed off. Like you said. Had we not had sex yesterday - maybe I would have done everything in my power to invite him over for the afternoon. Who knows.
To be blunt....today, I'm just not in the mood. Still upset with myself. And I want to stop all communication with him completely. I guess that goes along with what you're saying about "not liking feeling like my old self". You're right. I don't like feeling that way.
You aren't D or "D", you are separated. It is very clear that neither of you is emotionally D. That isn't a bad thing. Nor, do either of you have to be emotionally D to detach to a healthy degree. Unfortunately, many people won't let go which forces emotional D as the only solution.
Anyway, why can't he take the kids during the time he spends at your house? Why can't he take them weekends, or one day over a weekend? Have you tried to work with him to find a schedule that works for both of you or are you taking his visitation process as your sole responsibility?
True. This is what I was thinking when I asked him to move out. So, what am I doing wrong? How come I feel like no matter what I do or don't do; whatever I say or don't say just isn't right?
Because "right" in your book means "turns SO around, slaps some sense into him, gets him back home on his knees admitting his horrible mistakes and declaring his undying love." Unfortunately neither your choice of actions nor your choice of words has the power to do that. So, by that understanding of "right" your actions and words will always be "wrong."
How about understanding "right" as "respects me and others as well as I can given my understanding at the time and emotional resources available to me"? On that understanding, I'd say you've been doing A LOT RIGHT lately.
