MommyH- Thanks for your words and the book recommendation. I'm almost done with D7's Narnia books, lol, so I'll check into that next. And thanks for reminding me, I DO deserve better.
Sara - Yes Oldtimer likes to cut thru the BS and calls 'em like she sees them. I'm hoping she adopts me! Seriously, she's has a way of saying it and gtting it to sink in.
Oldtimer - thanks for following up. I'm still thinking about both of your posts and plan on responding...later, after the kiddies are down.
Quick journal for the day - I'm proud of myself! SO started at 8 AM! Calling/texting, then got here around 12:30 (which was late, yet he called to tell me that he knew he said he was going to be here at noon and wanted me to know he was running late - WTH - that is something new!).
Yesterday, after seeing that crap, I told him (in pretty rudimentary terms I can repeat - if ya'all want - they were pretty good ) - anyway pretty much saying no more sex between us. Well, he's got that in his mind now and it's the only thought he seems to have.
He tried to play it off as a joke and I told him I found it offensive and because we were still sleeping together I didn't find it funny. I told him that if we were ever going to do that again we needed to be on the same page about it and we weren't right now.
In the end, I stood my ground, in a nice way. I'm still thinking everything thru and I do not want to be pressured into anything. If he doesn't like it, well, at this point -too damned bad.
I mean up until the other day, it was my choice to continue the physical R with him. I hadn't felt used by it; I was a little skeptical if I should continue - I mean I wasn't burying my head in the sand or anything, I knew he had a PA with this girl, but NOW - that remark changed everything. So I have to sort through those thoughts before anything further happens in that area.
Other than fighting off the octopus, LOL, the day was OK. I went out for a bit; he stayed with the girls. I made him take baby duty while I took a nap. He laid down next to me and wouldn't leave, but I stayed under the covers and wouldn't give in. We ate dinner....I know, OT - the comforts of home. Wasn't sure what to do there. It didn't seem right that we eat without asking him - may have to re-think & change that in the future.
I also had gathered some more of his clothes and told him to take them with him. He asked if he could take the old DVD player (he replaced it with a new one last week or so) - I let him take it. He played with the kids for a bit while I made myself busy in other parts of the house until it was time for him to go. He gave me a hug, thought he might be headed for a kiss but I turned my head because I didn't want to kiss him if that wasn't what he was doing. So we just hugged goodbye.
Be back later with thoughts and QUESTIONS!!! on OT's posts.
Oh - I forgot. He did something strange - he took the phone off the hook the whole time he was here. I didn't say anything, I let it slide this time, but found it curious.
And, when he was leaving, he mentioned something about not being able to come here tomorrow. I actually told him "That's OK, I've got to go out. I've got some things to do."
Edited by NotMarried (03/06/06 07:19 PM)
OT,
After reading and re-reading and re-reading your posts again, I've come to the conclusion you're pretty much saying "GO DARK" and "GAL". Am I correct?
I don't see another situation where the WA initiates as much contact as in mine...I mean, he's ALWAYS calling, texting, wanting to ML - he only moved out less than 2 weeks ago at my insistence. I guess what I'm getting at, is because of his constant interactions with me, it confused me as to what DB protocol to use.
And with me being the "distancer" in our R, talking with him more, all that, were 180's for me. I also thought by not giving him ultimatums about OW, letting him go as it were {he was going to do it anyway}, was doing the right DB thing. So, that has me a little confused.
However, as they say, if it's not working - try something new. And I'm willing.
Looks like I may lock up soon. I hate trying to come up with a new title!
Some things that came to mind:
I guess in a round about way, I try to figure out WHY he has so much contact with me. I mean, in my own experience, when I've broken up with someone - I didn't call them, text them, sleep with them. Especially if started another R with someone new. When it's over - it's over. So when SO is doing this I translate it to mean "he still cares" and because he still cares, there's still "a chance".
Is he scared he's making a mistake? Absolutely. Even by his own admission. And as evidenced when I tell him to leave me alone.
Is he manipulating me to remain on the back burner until he's "sure" of what it is he wants? It certainly feels that way.
I'm not making any sense. He tells me he wants to break it off. I say OK. Leave me alone. TELLING him to leave me alone seems to incite him further - makes him contact me even MORE. He doesn't just let me be. My going dark scares him. He's not sure he wants me, but he won't let me go, either.
Everything just seems so backwards from others here on the board. In some ways, I want him to stop bothering me - just leave me alone already. If only for him to go figure out what he truly wants - whether it's to be with me or to be with someone else. He doesn't seem to get that. And I don't know what to do.
Quote: Quote: ------ so I got back up and decided to do so. Which I did. 2 lines: "Congratulations! Amazing, as always. Now, go get a drink & relax!" SO replied with "thanks!"....yes, back in my mind I was thinking - hope OW wonders who he's texting at midnite!
---------------------- This was strong NM!
Just remember how he;s treating you, is also how he's treating OW. Only you have many years and kids and skills of strengtht hat she does not have.
I bet you were sooo right bout her being unhappy in thost photos.
I guess you don't need me to remind you to not look up his stuff.Please. You have so much more power over this situation than you realize.
It doesn't sound like he's happy being in his new place. If he was happy with OW< why would he keep stringing you along?
No, he's confused messed up and I'm sure treating ow terribly. You are strong. You are the rock. You do rock!!!
Thanks Whitelight:
It was difficult for me to act "as if" I knew nothing when I sent him the text. The part about her not being happy was confirmed by a friend who was at the event and told me OW was extremely PO'd with SO that night. It shouldn't matter, I shouldn't take any satisfaction from hearing this, but - HAH! LOL Ok, got it out of my system. LOL
Last night after SO left - he called 3 times in one hour. I only spoke with him once; kept it short and light and reiterated I had plans for today. Today already got an email from him saying Good morning and that he fell asleep by 8. I answered with Everyone's good, glad you got some sleep, have a good day. Short & simple.
Today I'm going to try and get some job applications. Not easy with the 2 little ones, but I need to get my butt in gear.
NM: I think you are doing it all correctly. It seems as if your H is feeling what he is losing/has lost. All the contact to you is a good sign I think...
Keep being as strong as you are!! You are doing a great job!!!
Maybe he sees that OW is an as*... And you have every right to LOL about her being pissed that night. What man wants a pissy woman... He may be seeing her in a whole new light -- So heck yeah LOL sister!!! Jokes on her stupid as*!!!!!
Have a great night - good luck with the jobhunt!!!
My going dark scares him. He's not sure he wants me, but he won't let me go, either.
Okay, why not try something different. Either scare the heck out of him by going dark for a whole week. Real dark. Or, since ow is starting to lose it, why not help her over the edge... What if you gave SO something special to put in his apartment from you, something that would stand out and piss her off. What if you called him several times a day when you knew she was around - wasn't emotional as to piss him off, but rather flirtatious and.or informational in regards to the kdis etc.
SO called around 7 for D7; we didn't speak Called again around 8, I answered. Reiterated what I told him about no more. Told him I had to go out; also told him I was still trying to find a job He called again around 12 - I wasn't home. His message said "how come you won't talk to me or pick up the phone when I call" About an hour later (when I figured he'd be sleeping I texted him with - Sorry - just got your message. Was out. He called around 5, I let the girls speak with him, then hung the phone up. He immediately called back, I cut it short. He asked if I had emailed him/texted him - I asked What for? He said he was just wondering. He called again around 7, this time I heard him saying he wanted to talk with me, but I hung up. He called back - questioning why I wouldn't talk with him and that he always wants to talk to me as well as the girls and he wanted to tell me to have a good nite. I said OK, thank you . You have a good nite, too. He said "OK, I'll call you later." ???? Just now, I was online trying to type this and he signed on from his laptop and tried to IM me. I didn't answer and got a sarcastic " well, whatever, thanks for ignoring me". Honestly, I just found this annoying. I'm not even going to waste a thought on it.
So, I didn't once contact him today, but received how many calls? Texts? Emails. I'll leave it up to you all to count! And this was a quiet day!!
How do I nicely (Or not so nicely!!) tell him to stop this? I'm not sure it's good for any of us. Once again - he ended it with me. Is this the behavior of someone that is supposed to be my ex? Someone who has OW? When I point this out to him, his answer is "I know"!! It's all so very confusing.
I also finally worked up the courage to email both his mother and his father & stepmother. They had been emailing me & asking questions (they usually speak with me more than him normally, lol) and I had been avoiding them. I sent a simple email that said: "Thanks for your words. Not sure if you know or not, but SO has gotten his own apartment and moved out 2 weeks ago. I don't really have anything else to say about it right now.
For the time being, I plan on staying here. I don't want to uproot the kids, especially D7 in the middle of a school year. I'm looking for a job, probably something part-time because I won't put the little ones in daycare full-time. That's what I'm working on at the moment.
As for the future, who knows. I will not be pressured or forced into anything I'm not comfortable with. I plan on taking things one step at a time, hopefully things will get sorted out, whatever THAT means. "
So far, I've only heard back from his Stepmom/Dad who said they knew he moved out and that SO isn't "overly excited about talking to us because he knows how we feel about his behavior."
I almost feel bad for him. I don't want to defend him, yet on the other hand, with the DBing that I've learned, I know that if they (parents, family, friends, etc) give him a hard time and "gang up" against him, that may not be for the best either. Don't know what, if anything I should do there. While it is HIS family, I'm more in touch/contact with them than he is and it's been that way for most of our time together. I wish I weren't involved! LOL
Um, maybe you could just answer his question honestly and directly with whatever your reasons are?
Maybe: SO, we are no longer in an exclusive committed romantic partnership. It is not healthy for me to continue acting as though I am your sexual or romantic partner. It is not healthy for me to depend on you for emotional support through this. So, for my own sake I am limiting my interaction with you so that I learn how to live as a friend and co-parent with you, but not as a lover or partner. My decisions are based on your choice to leave our R. This does not mean that I will absolutely be unwilling to work on an R with you or reconcile, but it does mean that I will not stay in our old R by myself. I care very much about you and your happiness, and right now this is the best way for me to give you what you want while respecting myself and my own needs.
Best,
Oldtimer
P.S. Sure, go dark, GAL, whatever. What you need to do is detach... Consider how you put off responding to in-laws' emails for some time. Or how you sometimes might not immediately respond to a message from an old friend or sibling... Not because you are mad at them or even avoiding them, but rather because it is NOT the case that your scrutinize/obsess over every tiny facet of your interaction with friend/sibling and think your own happiness hangs in the balance. Be a friend. Friends talk more or less at different times for various reasons. But, you don't act/react as though your own emotional well-being hangs in the balance. Nor do you expect their happiness and world view/goals/plans/etc... to hinge on whether or not you give them the wrong look, use the wrong word, take the wrong tone, dress the wrong way, immediately text them or wait 5 minutes, etc... It would be CRAZY to think you have that much power over your friend. And, you don't have that much power over SO. Detach and own your own emotions and reactions. Let him have his, he will anyway.
P.P.S. You communicated the basic facts to family. Do nothing else. IN NO WAY try to control their interaction or manage their R with your SO. It is not your place, stay out of it.
P.P.P.S. It seems you may be feeling better with taking charge of how much interaction YOU want and respecting yourself in all this. I'd stick with that for awhile and see how it goes. Trust me, he is not going to forget you. If anything, he will appreciate you more and begin to be more objective about things with less repeat old stuff to be reactive about.
Just read through part of your threads must say I think you are doing a awesome job of pulling yourself together and now at starting to set boundries with your childrens father. (sorry ex seems a little premature).
Whitelight - didn't see your post. Thanks for the ideas, but I can't even bothered. I think it's best for me to stay dark.
Chrissy - thanks. I think I'm finally getting it together. Yes, I have lots of questions, fears, regrets, and still some hopes, but it's time to push my insecurities to the side and move forward. I've based too many of my own actions around SO, it's time I get back to the person I was before he was in my life. Well, not exactly that person, but one that has some of those old qualities (independent, strong) mixed with the things I've learned recently. I only control ME.
OT - Thanks, as always. I have such a problem with detaching. He seems to want to blame me for everything. Everything WRONG, anyway. I like the way you described it. The friend analogy. It helps.
I don't have much to say today. I'm very tired. SO called a few times around midnite last night. I had unplugged the phone in my bedroom and didn't answer it. Yet I still heard the other phone ringing and it disturbed my sleep.
On a good note, my friend called last night and once again(!) my old company is looking for someone. I told her I was interested, so we'll see how it pans out. The only way that job would work for me is if it's part-time, and/or with me doing some of the work at home. Otherwise it won't be cost-effective. I'llhave to wait & see.
I think I may finally be learning this detaching thing! Today started with a flurry of emails from SO. Long story short - seems "something", he wouldn't tell me what, is missing from his car and he thought I took it. I didn't. I got a little PO'd because he kept going on about it. I finally told him:
"And I don't find it very amusing that I am being accused of something I didn't do. Who the hell knows who has access or goes into your car when it's not even here. Is someone setting me up for something? Someone trying to cause trouble where there shouldn't be any?
We can settle this very easily. Lock your vehicle, take your keys, do whatever you have to do to. I will not stand for any more of this type of bullsh!t. If it comes down to having to swap the kids along side the road just so you can't find something to blame on me, then so be it. "
He went to his apartment and emailed me that he was sorry for making me mad & hurt. Then he called wanting to know what time he should come over. I was actually over the whole thing by then - it ticked me off a bit, then I shrugged it off. Never said a word about it again. It's not my problem. It's his.
The afternoon was OK. We touched upon a few subjects - I have an appt for daycare tomorrow. My words to him were "It seems like things are coming together for me. The daycare lady sounds promising and *old company* may work out as well." He just looked at me and didn't say anything.
So I continued a little about the job. Told him I didn't know all the details yet, wasn't sure if it would work out for me or not (money wise). Then he said "Oh, isn't that where that guy works?" I said "What guy?" He said "In that building - that guy that wanted to go out with you? Your boyfriend" WTF?? I had to really think hard about what he was talking about - this guy he heard me talking to years ago! and replied "Oh, you're talking about Chris. He doesn't work in the building - he was someone I knew through my company. And besides, even if I have a boyfriend or 20 boyfriends it's really none of your business anymore now is it?" He just looked at me again.
I continued, "I'd like it if you could bring me a schedule Saturday for when you want the girls for the next 2 months or so." He asked why. I said "So there isn't any misunderstandings and so I can make my plans accordingly for the things that I want to do." He asked "What things?" I said "Well, working and being a mom isn't all that I'm about - I really need to Get a life!" He didn't seem to happy with this either, lol. Just kind of sat there and looked at me. I got up and made myself busy in the kitchen.
He called a little while ago and spoke with D7, then asked for me. I was actually on another call with my FL friend and told him, so I cut it short - telling him to have a good night and clicked back over to her.
There was something else, too that I had absolutely no reaction to, but I can't remember right now what it was. It seems like it was important to my whole detaching thing, but I just can't remember.
