Well, one of MY biggest fears, and that of a lot of us, is that I am going down this particular road and if it doesn't work, I will be back at square one again. I NEVER want to be back there again, but this process of "as if" and GAL, etc. is leading to a point where if things are not as they seem, and I buy into them, I will get hurt again, but it's time to take that risk. I think I am stronger now.
Sorry for the hijack.
As you said, punishing her will not do anything but manage to make her feel bad, which may or may not do anything posisive for your sitch. In most cases, people run from what makes them feel bad.
I have been making changes for me and I think she is starting to see that they are real.
You are right - I can not control my wife by making her uncomfortable. I guess I am having real trouble with the "letting go" - I still love her. She says she loves me - but she also loves the OM. She admits to being "confused". As I think about it - she may be having trouble "letting go" of what she has with the OM. I guess that is where I have to give her space - and just be the best person I can be. She recently told me "I can't give you what you need from me right now". Which I took as a good sign - that maybe she is trying to let go of him. So here I am trying to put myself in her shoes - it does make a little more sense looking at it from her perspective.
I have opened up alot more with her in the last few months. I wished I had been this way with her before - we could have maybe avoided all this mess.
My wife says relationships are defined by how you fight - not by the good times. I never thought of it that way before - and at least for her - it is true. She put a lot of emphisis on fights or non-fights we had in the past that she has never forgotten.
I am going to make a real effort to try to relax - and wait this out. Thanks for the encouragement - we really need it for this to work.
I admit that I responded to a later post by you but didn't read your whole sitch. You are in a VERY similar situation to mine. Have you read any of my threads (there are a LOT of them, lol). I posted a link to each of them in the first post of my current thread (just look on the board, it's near the top usually). If you HAVE read up on my sitch, then you know that I am living with my WAW who has an OM. I feel all the same things you do about it lasting forever, etc.
I can tell you that "getting past it" is the hardest, and best thing I have done. I am not totally there, but I have managed to not allow her affair to be the only thing in our lives. It is SO easy to be consumed by the A that all else takes a back seat, including our own TRUE feelings and desires. We are willing to sacrifice our own happiness just to wallow in the misery of thinking about OM or the A all the time. Make no mistake about it, it IS a choice.
The first thing I did was stop snooping. It really helped immediately because I found that each little detail I knew became it's own obsession, not just part of the bigger one that is the A. My mind stopped functioning and I only knew a tiny fraction of what some of the folks here know about their OP's.
Next, I let go of my pain over the A, and in some ways, I think I forgave my W. I didn't know I did this until recently, but I did. In my heart, I understood that she saw us as equals in this, and even though from my perspective she was doing evil, I comprehended that from HER perspective, somehow I had been too. From that place, I was able to just let go of what she was doing. Did that stop it from hurting? Hell no, but it DID allow me to move forward with my DBing.
After that, it was a steady diet of reading, focusing on me improvement, seeing my IC, and GAL to a certain extent.
Things did, and are continuing to get better at least on the surface. I no longer feel like a doormat. I no longer get emotional all the time. I no longer obsess about OM.
There are still bad times, but they are overshadowed by the good times and that is by choice. At some point you have to just decide to be positive and that this life of worry and stress is not what you want.
It's hard, it really is, but it CAN be done. You just have to want to do it more than you want to punish your W, wallow in your pain, suffer, cry, vent, talk, etc.
In the end, you just have to want to be happy and realize that you CAN be, even in the midst of all this. Want that, and then go get it!
Soon will be 6 months since I found out about my WAW. She is still seeing OM - as often as she can. Says she is not seeing him and is trying to "figure" this out. She still lives at home with the children and me. He only lives a few blocks away - so she sneaks out frequently - on "errends" to visit the OM.
I really don't see the point of waiting any longer for giving her an ultimatum - such as "you have 2 weeks" to decide if you want a divorce or you will stop seeing him".
I know that does not sound like DB course of action - but really - 6 months of this and my patience is ending soon.
She says she still loves me - but of course not "in love" with me. She says she is "in love" with OM. I think she feel guilty of the impact of a D on the kids (duh!).
I don't have any words of advice. But I wanted to let you know that this mess your in is a struggle everyday. I to am coming up on the 6 month mark in two weeks. I want my wife more than anything but I feel that she is not interested in our marraige so I must move on. You need to do what is best for you and try not to listen to everyone around you. People that give you there opinion want you to stop hurting so they try to give you the quick fix idea. It is ususlly not the best way. The best way is for you to listen to your heart and do what you need to do. I just wanted you to know that I empathise with you because I am in the same exact place as you. Take care
Married 11 years, together 15
Two Daughters 6 and 2
D-day Jan.14 2006
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