We have a problem of inconsistency. H does not have a good track record. He says all these wonderful things he's going to do, then maybe follows through for 2 weeks then nothing. For nearly 5 years I looked out my windows at a backyard that was completely in ruins (he did this without consulting with me). It was too dangerous to even go out there. H promised me it would be finished before our 1st child was born (he's just turned 5). We got it finished last October. There are so many examples of this from other unfinished projects around the house to him saying he's going to come home early so I can have some time to exercise or whatever. This might last maybe 2 weeks, then nothing. If I want him to keep it up, I have to keep on his case. I shouldn't have to do this, I would rather he didn't make statements he can't follow through with. I'm going to be blunt here. If I'm going to want to have sex with him, I'm going to want a payoff. For so many years I've been let down, I'm not going to lower my guard without him being true to his words. I just feel used. Make sense or do I just seem cold?
I have to leave it there or I'll be late for work. I appreciate your replies
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
Re-read Honeypot's post. There are some good thoughts in there.
You have a Mexican stand-off. Do you want to be right or happy? Do you want this marriage to work? If so, someone has to let their guard down first. If not you, who?
Here is my suggestion on the no-follow-through: Hire someone to finish the projects he doesn't. Do not wait for him (and whatever you do, do NOT nag him!! That sets you back forever), just take care of it. If there is no money to pay a handyman, well, then hubby can get a second job.
Secondly, I would be VERY careful about talking about follow through, unless you are a champ-een follow througher. What I'm saying is, read back through any HD person's thread and I'm sure you will see about a zillion and one 'promises' from the LD partner that either things will be better, or "I don't want to ML tonight but tomorrow I will" (and then no follow through on that). See what I mean? BOTH parties are usually not following through with each other and ultimately draining each other's love tanks and then using other things to passive aggressively get back at the other. You withhold sex, he gets lazy..it's a vicious circle.
Quote: I understand that my H feels unloved and undesired but the truth is I don't desire him in a sexual way. This does not mean I do not love him.
It does to him.
Quote: I feel that the only reason I need to have sex now is to keep my husband happy and that in itself is not a good enough reason put my own self worth on the line.
I see this as faulty reasoning. Michelle wrote:
"But I’m just not in the mood
If you have little or no appetite for sex, you might be thinking, “This my spouse’s problem. Why should I put energy into our sexual relationship if I don’t really desire sex?” There are lots of good reasons. Let’s talk turkey.
I mentioned before that I’ve been a marriage therapist for a very long time and I can tell you without hesitation that if you continue to look at the differences in your levels of sexual desire as your spouse’s problem rather than as a couple’s problem, you are courting disaster. "
I don't know if you've read her book, "The Sex Starved Marriage." Here is the first chapter. I would strongly suggest that you do so.
Quote:
I have done it in the past and it caused more problems than it fixed. I want to be able to be a willing participant and I am working on it. Things take time to fall to pieces and they take time to put back together. Trouble is they can't be forced into place either.
So, tell me what you are doing and how often are you doing it to work on this issue?
Karen, you are right about the mexican standoff and Honeypot has some great points.
Mrs Nop
I have read the SSM a number of times. H has never even gotten halfway through. He only brings it out and pretends to read it when he's pissed at me. I have also read Passionate Marriage by Schnarch and I have to say, I found it a bit heavy going. Especially when your concentration is interrupted constantly.
Quote: So, tell me what you are doing and how often are you doing it to work on this issue?
At the moment I'm just trying to get through day by day. The events of the weekend have left me very guarded.
I'm going to try and work on things like conflict resolution as this is a major problem for us. Last night H was trying to help by bathing one of the kids. He lost his temper with him for doing something silly like a kid will do (yelling at him and calling him d*ckhead - makes my blood boil) and instead of showing how pissed off I just said 'please don't call him that'. I then waited until my son had gone to bed and said to H something along the lines of 'I know you were trying to help but it really makes me upset and angry when you lose your temper after 10 minutes with the kids and I feel like I should just deal with them myself so I don't have to worry about this happening'. He replied with something along the lines of 'you do it too'(lose temper, not call names). He was quickly reminded that by the time I get to that stage I've been dealing with two of them ALL day! (I admit that some days my tether is short) Well, he had the sh*ts but we ended up cuddling on the couch instead of one of us going to bed annoyed. If we can continue working on this I think it will help everything else along.
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
Sounds like you are going through the wringer at the moment. I had hopes for you a couple of months back but it sounds like your H is acting like a grumpy kid and leaving you with little respect for him. Well treat him like a grumpy kid - reward the good and ignore the bad. If he's bad walk away - that's what I mean by ignore it is not the same as overlook. It's a bit like a time out, except you remove yourself. Doing something good, however small, should get an instant reward of a kiss or hug or something like that. You handled the bathing thing well!
My H can get pretty angry with the kids for no real reason. It's just like he has such a short tether. He also makes it THEIR problem when he is too tired or has had a hard day. He says things like "look I just don't need this right now". They are 6 and 4 how are they meant to relate?
Weird part is H is the LD one in this R
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
no you dont seem cold to me. I understand why the intimacy is hard with his anger.
However I do see an attitude coming from you that I dont understand, nor would I care for -- no, let me rephrase, --- I wouldnt even have such a R. Its an attitude that men are terrified of occuring in there M, and causes many of them to think women dont like sex, and are cold and calculating. I dont think you are this, but I am wondering why and how you are slipping down this road. Leverage perhaps? only source of power? Its not. so dont do yourself the disservice of treating it as such.
What am I referring too?
If I'm going to want to have sex with him, I'm going to want a payoff
Seperate your issues. The backyard, your husband not following thru with projects, has nothing to do with your sex life.
Sex is a necessary component of your M. Its has a huge effect on your (forget him for a minute) mental and physical health. Youll survive without it, but it has a huge effect on your physiology. Its necessary for your emotional connection with him. Not only is withholding vindictiveness, (which is negative emotional energy) its self flaggelation.
Is the sex not satisfying or enjoyable too you? Try being more 'selfish' and proactive about it then. Other then that idea, your going to need a very open ability to communicate and discuss this with each other. If the sex is not that enjoyable to you, and your afraid of his reaction towards you, if you bring it up, (understandable from his anger at other things) I guarantee that it will not change. If the sex is good, great. I threw that out there, cause Im just ruminating on various reasons why your slipping down this, sex as a reward for him, path.
Go mow the lawn if you need some help getting in the mood.
Oh yeah. If the toilet needs cleaning, why dont you clean it?
Quote: I am wondering why and how you are slipping down this road. Leverage perhaps? only source of power?
You're not the only one! It would be nice to have a brain like a hard drive, where you could just delete the memories or thoughts which have become corrupt and start again.
Quote:
Is the sex not satisfying or enjoyable too you?
Not particularly. I do 'O' but really wonder what all the fuss is about.
Quote: Go mow the lawn if you need some help getting in the mood.
Damn blackie, it's winter here, it's just not growing!
Quote: Oh yeah. If the toilet needs cleaning, why dont you clean it?
Wouldn't that be like masturbating? Hubby ain't gonna get much outta that.
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
Quote: Not particularly. I do 'O' but really wonder what all the fuss is about.
Hmmm... I wonder if you ARE having an orgasm... It occurs to me that if you were, you WOULD know what all the fuss was about. That doesn't necessarily mean you would want to have sex with your H, but you would understand the exquisite physical sweetness, the utter delicious release of a good O, whether he does it or whether you do it yourself. There is a type of O that is more of a "sneeze of the loins" (to quote some writer or other). That's not the kind that all the fuss is about. The other kind is what I would call "exploding into sweetness and then dissolving into sweetness." Even a solitary one can be like that.
_________________________________________________________ I'm going to try and work on things like conflict resolution as this is a major problem for us _________________________________________________________
This is "therapy speak" and sounds good and all, conflict resolution is important BUT....
It isn't the reason you aren't interested in sex, really. Resolving your conflicts won't make you feel more sexual AND still won't help you see "what the big fuss is about" in regard to sex. Resolving your conflicts will help you and your H be better roomates.
Lack of respect IS a reason you don't feel sexual. It is hard to have sex with someone you don't respect and who doesn't respect you. Focus on building your respect for yourself and his respect for you. Re-read Passionate Marriage or get the audio CD and listen to it 100x over. I have it and have listened to it no less than 5x and I learn something every time.
You can disagree with your partner, never resolve the conflict and if you respect one another, agree to disagree and still feel emotionally connected, heard and sexual.
As far as the "o" is concerned. I think Lil might be on to something. Many people orgasm but are still unconnected to themselves as a sexual being and to their partners. There are several books on the shelf for women about learning to please yourself and going from there. I think one is called "For yourself." Check these out. Learn what your own body likes. For many women masturbation is a way to locate their sexual desire and then extend it to their mates.
The other kind is what I would call "exploding into sweetness and then dissolving into sweetness." Even a solitary one can be like that.