I was mainly trying to point out that Cemar tends to paint himself into a corner with making his statements in such absolutes. I, for one, am very sorry that so many of us are here instead of having great marriages, fun, sex and everything we so fervently want. I have found that sometimes the biggest barrier to getting what I want - is me. My point was more for Cemar than yourself. Cemar - get a grip buddy - EVERYONE is, in part, defined by their sexuality (yes LD people too), it isn't JUST men. Mrs. Cemar is a sexual being too. Maybe if you gave some thought as to why she is defining herself and her sexuality in terms of having no desire you might get somewhere. It is not because she is a woman.
Sparkless,
My concern for you is that maybe libido isn't really the problem. How would anyone have a libido for their H with things being as you describe? It only makes sense. Maybe you start with the R issues first and worry about the libido later?
Quote: Maybe you start with the R issues first and worry about the libido later?
In other words, work on only the issues SHE cares about. And then somewhere in about 5-10 years, they might actually address some of HIS issues. Why not work on BOTH NOW!
No one wants to have sex with someone who does this:
___________________________________________________________ He told me to leave on Friday night and I did. We didn't have an argument as such, he just went off the handle because I didn't want to eat the vegetables he was making and I was answering him with yes, no answers. WTF? He was yelling and calling me disgusting names (in front of our kids), so I went upstairs, he followed, still screaming at me and I packed my bag. ___________________________________________________________
Until he treats her with respect she isn't going to want to have sex. This is not about issues only "she" cares about - it is about the issue of being on a level playing field, having basic respect and caring. Who said anything about 5 or 10 years? Cemar, quit projecting.
Quote: "everything in a man's life is connected to sex."
I do think that it is this way for my H. If he had sex whenever he wanted it he would be a lot happier and nicer - until the next time he thought that he wasn't getting enough. A big part of the problem in the past has been that he wasn't happy with the frequency of LM. We started from not having sex in 6 months to twice a month and that just wasn't enough and he blew up. It feels like however much I try, it just isn't enough.
CeMar,
The only issue my H has in this relationship is the lack of sex. He would be a happy camper if this issue was resolved. His responsibilities are making his breakfast and lunch and going to work. He does work really hard and long hours and I respect that. Luckily it's a job where you just leave and don't have to bring any work or worries home. I just get left with everything else. I guess I get overwhelmed and tired . I mean, he doesn't even remember his own sister's birthday!(or anyone elses for that matter)
He said to me the other day that he is going to have the kids all weekend, every weekend so I get a break. This was very thoughtful, but I told him I don't need that. Once a month would be good, but not every one. We would never see each other then! I think we need a back to basics approach. We need to actually plan time together and by ourselves instead of just talking about it and getting frustrated when nothing eventuates. It would be nice to have something to actually look forward to.
I don't know how I got started on all that, but there you go.
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
Quote: You have to realize.........(I cant bear to think of someone rereading this )................, to make their world right
Cemar
I wanted to rip my eyes out and scrub my brain after reading that above quoted post by you!!. Its so full of poison. Poison for you.
I dont even care if YOU in particular read this response. But I cant let this spread. Your apparently unbending will would be awesome, if it was focused in the right direction. I would almost feel bad for your wife, because she is mirroring you, but her unbending will and likewise self destroying determination, is simply both of you reaping what you sow. You talk of christianity occasionally. Do you think this is the kind of R God wants you to lead your W to as the head of the household?
Do you know that what you think, write, say, read, believe, focus on becomes your truth? even if its not the truth?
Jesus said in Matt 17:20 "if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you will tell this mountain,'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you."
Do you have so little faith in yourself, that you need your wife to go first?
Stop reading books intended to teach women how to be more attractive and wanting/coveting that. Read Schnarch, David deida and that Rabbi guy,....forgot his name.... schmuley?
Go take a anger management course, and or get a self esteem counselor. Lets pretend your W is NOT going to change. Well your not leaving, for whatever reason, so go and explore you.
Lack of sex makes men behave badly NO it doesnt. Not dealing with the stress and unhappiness that it causes them, not being proactive about their own life, by making decisions and choices and letting somone else control their life (victim --not really its yoru choice. your a grown man) because of inaction is the problem.
he must bundle his emotions inside until he explodes
NO. he doesnt. He has many choices. Choices that he rationalizes against. Choices that he is afraid of. Choices that may cause pain, and require growth and change.
Men have the need to PLEASE their women, and by pleasing their women, seeking their admiration
Ugh. I want to vomit. <glug glug some antidote.> NO. Men have a need to take care of themselves. To Have superstrong boundarys. To Give to himself, untill his wellbeing runs over and he has enough to give to others without sacrificing his own needs. Women see that and gravitate to him, because she knows, if he can take care of himself, he will have enough and be strong enough to take care of her (security) also. (Cliffnotes/BFnotes version ) If he puts her first, before his own needs, how will he take care of her when she NEEDs him. The bible does not say, treat her better, put her first. Its says treat her as you would yourself. Do you beg, paw and plead with yourself?
Did you actually say ---seeking her (fill in the blank) after everything that has been discussed around here about supplicating? <shudder scrub scrub scrub.>
Remember, women want sex when everything is going right in their lives.
This is as ridiculous as the myth that women dont fantasize about their male friends and men do about all of their female friends. If rosie odonnel was one of my friends I would NEVER fantasize about her. . Id rather be a eunuch. actually I think just writing the words rosie and fantasize has made me impotent.
back on topic. When a woman wants to be sexual with a man, desires him, she will wipe the proverbial mat with him sexually speaking. to put it indelicately she will F him raw and senseless. They are way more sexual then men when the connection is made between their emotions and ML.
This leaves them at great risk for affairs, since they are looking for someone to GROUND them again, to make their world right. If your worlds not right, you should be figuring out how to ground yourself.
x and I's sex life waxed and waned a bit, but I almost F'd another woman during a period of time when we were having sex 5 or more times a week. How do you explain that? My x started her EA during a time when we were having sex 7 or more times a week. She was initiating most of the time. How do you explain that? You will never have a good sexual relationship with a woman, if you need her to ground you. To me that sounds like you want her to be head of the house.
Re sparkless We started from not having sex in 6 months to twice a month and that just wasn't enough
I understand your position and am sorry your H does not treat you better, so don't take this wrong or as something you should do.
I suppose your H's real sex drive is more around 2X or 3X a week so even at 2X a month he feels like he is compromising. This is just my level of sex drive and maybe a lot of other men's sex drive.
I am not saying you should meet his SD needs/wants, I'm just posting information. Example; Person "A" is a 4X a year, person "B" is 4X a week. What do they do???
Sorry, I can't even help myself and I clean, cook, do home repairs, pay the bills, and am home every night.
___________________________________________________________ The only issue my H has in this relationship is the lack of sex. He would be a happy camper if this issue was resolved. His responsibilities are making his breakfast and lunch and going to work. He does work really hard and long hours and I respect that. Luckily it's a job where you just leave and don't have to bring any work or worries home. I just get left with everything else. I guess I get overwhelmed and tired . I mean, he doesn't even remember his own sister's birthday!(or anyone elses for that matter) __________________________________________________________
I'll bet my H would also say that my only issue is the lack of sex in our R. While I am generally happy, find him to be an excellent parent and partner etc... sex ISN'T the only issue that I have.
I would bet that you both have more issues than the sex or lack thereof. I would recommend that you explore them.
Sparkles, I suspect that until your H's needs are being met in a more consistent fashion, he will continue to act like a jerk. HOW you put up with it, I don't know. That would be hard to swallow.
How about if you tried this: "H, I am willing to up the frequency of our sex life in an effort to meet your needs, but I am requesting that you treat me with respect."
Both of you will have to begin working your way towards the middle. You cannot step back and wait for him to "make it up to you" before you work on the frequency...it won't be made up, kwim? He said and did some really awful, really rude things and there's no making it up. You will have to make a choice to either move past it, or let it be the end of your M. Moving past it doesn't mean that you bury it deep inside, it means that you talk it out with H and jointly agree (after apologies and whatnot) to move on and eliminate that behavior.
Here's the part you may not like.
2x per month would not work for me in any way, shape or form. That is not me being a sex addict or a selfish jerk or any other negative connotation it might conjure up in your mind--it's just me. It's how my mind/body connection works. I would have a very difficult time being pleasant and happy with that amount of sex in my life. I say this not to discourage you, but rather to ENcourage you to see your H as a completely separate person from you, one who has different needs and desires and whose needs are just as legitimate as your own. If he were to say to you that he'd never be happy with once or even twice a month, does that make him an ogre? Selfish? Not care about you?
NOT AT ALL.
It just means that he is comfortable stating exactly what he needs/wants/desires. It also doesn't mean that he is entitled to get it, but in a loving marriage I think that both partners should make a good faith effort to meet the other's needs, don't you?
I know it is frustrating to keep thinking "nothing is ever good enough" within your M. I feel that way too, only our issue is not that he wants more sex--it's cleaning the house! My advice is to make an effort EVERY DAY..get in the habit of meeting each other's needs every day. That doesn't necessarily mean that you have sex every day but acting sexUAL or like his lover would do a lot to ease his mind...ease the feeling that he's the only one feeling like a lover within the relationship. Likewise, if your needs within the R are more time from him devoted to the kids and the house, well, he better get crackin on those things.
I suppose my point is that BOTH of you will have to make some serious changes in yourselves, so you may as well begin that process now. Why waste another day in a lifeless M, right?
2x a month makes for a very grumpy GGB. I need 2-3x a week minimum to keep on an even keel. Several of the other guys on here have said the same. When MrsGGB is stepping up to the plate sexually, I am much more pleasant to be around, and more inclined to go out of my way to meet her needs (she is an acts of service person, and acts of service to me seems more like what you do for a charity than a statement of love, but I am working on it). Sparkless, if you haven't already why don't you and your H sit down and take the love languages quiz to find out what your respective love languages are. If nothing else, it may help you to see where each other is coming from. Having different love languages can be extremely frustrating at times. I've noted here in the past that there are times when you wish you had someone who was fluent in your love language. When there is no overlap, it is not unlike being in a foriegn country where you don't know the language and you find you have to work very very hard to understand as well as to be understood. If your spouse is not also making that effort, then it can be very lonely.
) If he puts her first, before his own needs, how will he take care of her when she NEEDs him. The bible does not say, treat her better, put her first. Its says treat her as you would yourself. Do you beg, paw and plead with yourself? 
. Id rather be a eunuch. 
actually I think just writing the words rosie and fantasize has made me impotent. 
