The fact that you are here speaks volumnes. That means you know there is a problem and you want to do something about it. Most of us with LD spouses aren't so lucky to have a spouse that is willing to tackle the issue, and until the LD spouse is onboard with fixing the issue, there is almost nothing that we can do alone.
Have you read His Needs/ Her Needs? It's a good place to start, both spouses need to identify what their needs are.
Don't believe that this is our issue to resolve alone. It sounds to me like your husband needs to address some issues as well, he needs to start meeting your needs, so you need to make that clear to him.
Just curious, what are the goals for your marriage?
Quote: Now, the resentment and anger has dissipated somewhat, but I am having a lot of trouble with the sex part. I don't look forward to it, it's not exciting and it feels like a chore - something that has to be done to keep things running smoothly. I don't get turned on, so how can it be a satisfying encounter for either of us emotionally or physically?
That's your problem right there. No one said this was going to be easy. You are the one getting in your own way. "I DON'T enjoy it, "I'm NOT turned on." Those are your words. And you reap what you sow.
Change your thinking. Change your attitude. No, it doesn't change overnight. It's not changing because you don't WANT it to change. Fine. It's cool. No one will hold it against you. But be accountable for your own actions and decisions.
Quote: I feel my body has let me down and my brain isn't far behind.
Self-loathing won't get you anywhere, either. It's not your body. Unless you have some unknown medical problems... or side-effects of some meds you are taking... have you thoroughly checked this out?
Just out of curiosity. Is there ANY way your H can touch your breasts that wouldn't irritate you? The reason I say that is that my H has (in the past) had a way of touching my breasts that just really irritated the crap out of me....but he would continually touch me the same way...and it was such a turnoff (bad thing since my H is a breast guy).
Of course with him I think he continued to do that to intentionally turn me off....BUT, I digress. I became very sensitive to touch there after giving birth to our S as well.....however there are ways he can touch me that I definitely prefer. I hate to be tickled (absolutely can't stand it)....but I don't mind a massaging motion.
Perhaps you could try to figure out what touch in that area you can handle and then show him. Flat out tell him that the way he was touching you simply is a turnoff now since you had your child...it's nothing to do with him, it's merely a change in your body....but that you do like (whatever touch you like) and then show him.
My H now knows, and believes me, that when he touches me a certain way I can't stand it....but if he does what I showed him, he gets a much different result.
BTW...have you talked to your Dr. about your lack of SD?
Now, the resentment and anger has dissipated somewhat, but I am having a lot of trouble with the sex part
In what way do you feel your resentment and anger has dissipted? Your post are all about anger and resentment not only for your H but for yourself IMO.
The first thing you are really going to have to grasp is that it is not about sex with your H it is about the EC he is trying to create through sex. It took me a long time to wrap my mind around that fact. And a lot of rollerpin passing from Gel and Hp and Lillie to whap me upside the head to open my eyes to what they were saying.
I can so relate to your stating if your H is bellowing at your self and the kids how is that suppose to turn you on. It builds up your frustration and resentment source and you resist even harder. Which in turns builds up his frustration and resentment source and makes him act out even more. BTDT what a cheesless tunnel to run circles in. I use to allow sex to take the edge off in the household when this dynamic would become overwhelming.
This really is not a problem in my household anymore. Though I myself do not get butt loads of EC from our sexual encounters since I have came to the realization that sex is more about EC to my H then it is about the big O. And really allowed myself to see and understand that from his point of view it is easier to meet his needs to some degree. Hence he feels less resentment/frustration causing fewer bear days which causes me less resentment/frustration.
I am sorry you feel a need to bash yourself over the way you feel about the situation. As long as you feel so negative about yourself it is going to be hard to work your way through the resentment and frustration.
CeMar, you have me thinking now about goals. I've never really thought about our marriage that way. I think it would be a good discussion for me and H to have actually.
Corri, I have seen a doc about my problem and the tests showed that all my hormones except for thyroid and estrogen are below 'normal' levels. Iron was also low and I gather that may be a side affect of the abnormally heavy and extended menstruation periods these low hormone levels have given me (sorry guys). Unfortunately they had no advice or medication (except for taking more iron tablets) so I am travelling the natural route by taking some herbs. Gotta be better than nothing.
GEL, I think a lot of the trouble with the touching of the breast(s) is that with my H it is SO obviously a sexual manouevre. It's like he's saying 'come on then, how about it?'. NOT a turn on. Most often there is no nice cuddling or words first, it's just straight for the boob. I will try Corri's experiment next time we get a chance. H got home late and I was pretty much asleep by the time he crept in.
I thought I would make an effort affection wise and cuddled up to him after the alarm went off. After a while he started trying to move my legs around so he could move in closer. I feel like a rag doll when he does that so I moved my legs back and he go out of bed, cranky. He complains that I don't give him enough affection but when I do it's not enough. He says all he wants sometimes is hugs and kisses but he always pushes for more.
When he gets home from work I will try and talk to him tactfully about it.
Sorry if my posts seem disjointed sometimes. My kids are usually running around and it's very distracting.
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
I think one way to think about your situation would be to realize that acting out your low sex drive is a form of self-destructive behavior. The reason I call it self-destructive behavior is because it is behavior that is destructive to something YOU want which is a happy marriage. By analogy, if I want a healthy body than I frequently have to do something which I don't want to do which feels unnatural to me such as not eating cookies or exercising . I could come up with a million excuses or rationalizations to justify my behavior when I overeat. I could even blame my H by thinking "It's your fault I can't lose weight because you always bring junk food in the house." or " The reason I can't lose weight is you make too big of an issue about it and that makes me feel bad and therefore I have to eat even more.". I think what Corri is trying to tell you is that working on being more sexually receptive or responsive when you are feeling LD is like dieting when you are hungry. It sux at first but after a while if you persist, you can develop new habits and new mindsets. If you don't think this is true, then you are telling yourself that you are a person who is incapable of changing even if you want to.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I totally get what you are saying Mojo. Time to step out of my comfort zones.
I have also decided to excercise more as I have read that it can help with SD (as well as get rid of the flab). I started yesterday by taking my boys to the beach with me and we had a good walk. Other than the 2 year old whining and crying almost the whole way back, it was good fun. We went again this morning and again there was a tantrum, but I'm not going to let it put me off. I mean, there are kids in Africa who have to walk miles and miles a day just for water! Eek, now I'm sounding like my mother, lol.
Next weekend I'm going to try and organise a little getaway for me and H without the kids. We can do stuff we used to do before the kids came along like sunbathe nude in the dunes at the beach. Better hop to it!
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
I think it broke. The camel's back that is. We just had another fight as I have not been the most wonderful person to live with the past couple of days (damn that time of the month). He wants me out and says I'm not fit enough to be a parent to our kids. I have heard this before many times. Anyway, during the midst of this argument, a huge lightbulb went off for me. He doesn't listen to me. Small things, important things, anything. He does not listen, then accuses me of not communicating with him. Pretty damn hard to have effective communication if one person is talking to a brick wall. For example, he was screaming at me that if I want to change my body (I wasn't even talking about my physical appearance) that I should get up at 6 am every morning and go running. This sh*t me big time as I have been making an effort to go walking with my boys (I mean I even told you guys!) over the last week. So I ask him 'what do you think I've been doing for the last week taking the boys to the beach?', he says I never told him. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I told him every day we went, what we saw and what we did. What freakin more do I need to do? This is just one example, he forgets appointments and get togethers, saying that I never told him. I even write them on the calendar for pete's sake.
This is a big development but where do I go from here? How do you get someone to not only listen to you, but hear you?
I'm really considering just leaving, like he wanted. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
He says all he wants sometimes is hugs and kisses but he always pushes for more.