You both need to practice the simple concept of mirroring. When he tells you something repeat it back to him and say, “Did I get that right?” He can either say yes, or make his statement again. You do the same drill until he agrees with what you have mirrored. Then you say “I guess that must make you feel ____” and insert your best guess for what he is feeling based on his statement. He can then add his own descriptive if he likes. Then you say “ I understand that” or “That makes sense to me” (whether it does or not). Of course you need to get him to do the same to you when you are trying to tell him something.
This will teach both of you to truly listen to each other and understand why you say what you do and how you feel about it. It will help to develop feelings of empathy too.
We tried discussing things last night but not much got resolved. He had another go about me being a unfit parent and I tried to tell him that when he doesn't listen to me it makes me feel unimportant etc. Mexican standoff ensued. He slept on the couch (his choice btw).
Well, I was blown away this morning. H got up for work and was still pissed, said some more things to me, I said some back and he went and got ready for work. After a while he came back upstairs and apologised. Said he'd been thinking about what had transpired and he'd over reacted and should have never made any comments about my parenting. He even said if anything I probably try to be too good a mother at the expense of myself and our relationship. Suggested that I should have a break by myself, even if he had to take time off work. Wow. I also apologised for being hard to live with for the past couple of days and agreed that we really need to work more on communication. I think Cobra's ideas would be helpful so I'm going to talk to him about those.
I told him that his idea about giving me a break was nice, but I'd rather not go by myself and that I'd actually been trying to organise a getaway for the two of us. He was pretty happy. Then he tells me that he's organised to go on a fishing charter Wednesday next week with his boss. First I've heard of it. There's that bloody communication problem again...lol
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
I have been reading your threads but not replied as yet. You and H are pretty stuck huh? I loved your comment about cleaning the toilet, a friend of mine says everytime her H gets the hoover out it's like foreplay! In a way it is, you see the guy doing something helpful round the house, carrying a little of your load and you feel warmer towards him.
What herbs are you taking? Vitex is good (aka Agnus Castus) for rebalancing hormones. Also you are right about exercise, especially weight bearing exercise as this will increase your T levels (T is necessary for women as well as men for SD). Don't know if you are into homeopathy at all, but it sounds to me like you could do with a dose of Sepia - very good for washed out hormonal women - LOL
What Corri has been posting is good, your mind is getting in the way, you are not feeling his touch just feeling the FACT that he is touching you and getting irritated by it. One of the things that I think is very little understood by men (especially men like Cemar) is that when our hormones are out of whack sexual touch can be just plain irritating, like having sand-paper rubbed over you or hearing someone scrape a knife across a plate. They interpret the reaction as a rejection of them and become more needy because of it, ramping up the irritation of the woman even further. It does take quite a lot to get past this.
When I had to fight my own mental battles to get back to being my usual HD self I really had to think in terms of selflessness (in the truest sense of the word - loss of self) so that those boundaries we put up - as you say teach our kids that their bodies are there own - are taken down. You say you have just gritted your teeth and let him get on with it, and it has calmed things down but you feel like you are not being true to yourself. You have to get past the teeth gritting. You have to stop gritting them and let go, drift away, stop thinking. Realise you are doing it for him because you love him, not because you want him to stop being a bear but because you love him and you want to do something for him in a loving way. Yes your body is your own and you can choose to let your body do this for him (and for both of you). If someone very dear to you was on their deathbed and you had to drive 300 miles through the pouring rain to go and see them, you would do it. You would do it because you loved them, you would not worry about the pouring rain and the long drive and how much you hate driving at night, you would just do it. If you can somehow think yourself into this mindset next time your H starts making his moves I think you might be surprised at how you feel. I found when I did it that a calmness came over me and a sense of delight in what I was able to do simply because it gave HIM pleasure and when that feeling began to take over strangely enough I did feel connected to him and more able to enjoy it. I didn't fully get into the sexual side of the pleasure the first time but I did feel peaceful and happy and close to him, which after all is at least half of what LM is about.
It sounds like he is thinking about you guys a bit now and would like to do his bit to bring the R back on track.
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I have been taking Vitex now for about 3 weeks and I have to say, even over such a short period, it has made noticable difference. My pmt is nowhere near as bad, practically had no pimples I feel better in general. I would definitely recommend taking it to any woman with a possible hormone problem. Never heard of Sepia but will look it up.
H and I are getting on much better now. We took the kids to the pub for dinner (next time, no kids) and had a good talk in bed after. Not R talk, just about stuff. It was good.
Funny thing. This morning while watching tv (I was stuffed after mowing the lawn), I had this feeling, the only way to explain it is like a loving feeling, and something was saying to me 'there's nothing wrong with H wanting to touch you, in fact, you want him to and it's nice'. Even weirder, I believe it. Maybe I should mow the lawn more often . It's the strangest thing. I'm sitting here right now and I wish H would come home from work coz I just want to cuddle him. After the events of the weekend, I am amazed. (No, I am not on any sort of medication, prescribed or otherwise )
You wrote a good analogy Fran and you're right. I would do those things and H deserves that from me too.
Don't get me wrong, things aren't all sunshine and roses, I mean, what is it with kids sticking things in dvd players anyway???, but I'm feeling more positive that I will get out of my 'rut'.
Blackie, I have been thinking about this. I reckon I would get turned on if H did clean the toilet regularly. Don't know what it would do for him though
Well, who knows how I will feel tomorrow, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Dazed and confused but oddly happy...
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
Reading thru this, you sound a lot better now than at the beginning of this thread. You made a comment way back somewhere about heavy bleeding during menstrual cycles causing low iron. I think I read somewhere the opposite can actually happen, low iron causes heavy bleeding.
Maybe that physical exertion from walking, mowing lawn, etc. is waking up some other things!?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Well, things have been happening in the Sparky household. There's been a couple of times I think I've actually caught my tail! I bit the bullet the other night. I couldn't sleep and was up watching crappy tv til the wee hours. I thought I might surprise H and go up to bed and start something. He was dead to the world but not for long! We had a great time and H was so happy the next day he bordered on being annoying! lol
Don't know how or why (maybe it's the combination of excercise, herbs and mindset) but it seems like a lot of 'baggage' got put away that night. I am feeling closer to H and really want to try to make him happy. I'm starting to feel the good feelings and getting rid of the bad ones. Yesterday I initiated again. The kids were downstairs and at one stage we had to stop and start again, but it worked out fine...eventually. I think we need to get the kids babysat more. No, I know that we do!
I am really going to try to keep a positive attitude and lay all the old stuff to rest - for good. I have to.
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
Quote: Ill make sure I clean the toilets and make my (next ...ugh ) wife mow the yard.
H hasn't cleaned the toilet... but I can fantasise! We all need fantasies don't we?
Quote: Yes its kinda funny. Guys, dont be appreciatively annoying.
By annoying I meant smothering. Stopping me in the middle of the kitchen for a hug while I have a butchers knife in my hand and meat goo on my hands is pretty over the top. I like my hugs knife and blood free lol.
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
Sparkless - don't know if you are still around but you could be me! I hope things are going well. I like what people were telling you - especially Corri. I have dealt with H's rages and struggle with resentment and frustration and hormones. I'm taking progesterone, dhea and testosterone and still having trouble! I haven't heard of vitex. Maybe that will help if I can let go of all of the mental garbage that has happened to us. We have 2 kids and pg killed my hormones. I know a lot of it is mental though. I am overeating which is always a sign for me that I'm avoiding some real feelings.
Hi Morgaine100 and welcome to the SSM board. Yes, I'm still here and still muddling through life. I read your thread and thought the same thing about us having similar circumstances.
You are right about the mental stuff, that is the hardest to get past, but by coming here you are on the right track!
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
It's the strangest thing. I'm sitting here right now and I wish H would come home from work coz I just want to cuddle him. After the events of the weekend, I am amazed. (No, I am not on any sort of medication, prescribed or otherwise 
)
) wife mow the yard. 