Sorry, but I didn't realise that marriage was a game. Doesn't feel like it.
So what you are saying is you are aroused by the sight of a man cleaning a toilet?
I dont believe this. I believe you 'feel' disrespected because you H is not hearing what you need from him. Because of this feeling you are forcing him to respect that which you do have control over. Your body.
Understood.
However that passive aggressive conflict avoidance does in fact make you a game player.
IF your H were to give up trying to feel loved by you and go have an affair, I seriously doubt that you would care if he cleaned the toilet. You would probably just be happy when he came home. You would probably feel and think things like 'but he promised', 'he told me he loved me', 'why didnt he try to make me understand harder', 'he said he would take care of us' and feel very bitter about all of it.
Did you make this clear to your husband BEFORE you got married? If not, your changing the rules of the game in the middle of the game
This is a true statement. Did you tell you H I am going to cut you off after we have a child, and I am a SAHM, because you wont clean the toilet? Thanks for the child, thanks for supporting us, but I dont love you because you dont clean the toilet.
I wish I was a nympho
people practice at things they wish to become. again I dont believe you, and even if it is the truth, no you dont.
Yo, woman. I've been in your shoes. Been there, done that, and how.
K. Here we go.
YOU are battling a defense mechanism. You are not battling your H, you are battling yourself.
The reason why you are getting pissed at your H for touching your breast is because you don't want him touching it. Period. End of story.
You don't want him touching your breast because you are pissed at him. Period. End of story.
Why you are pissed at your H is for you to determine. I'm sure you have a list a mile long. Understood. I had one, too. THE LIST is not getting you anywhere. You realize this, that is why you are here.
So... the next time your H begins to play with your breast when the two of you are watching tv... reach over to the remote, SHUT OFF the tv, and give your full attention to what he is doing.
FEEL what he is doing. Close your eyes and think about nothing other than his hand on your breast. Don't worry, the feelings of complete and utter pissed-offness are going to come clanging and screaming through. Fine. Acknowledge them with your mind. Say to yourself, yes, I am pissed that he is touching my breast.
And then... once you have fully felt your anger and your contempt and your rage.... let it go.
Tell your H that you are feeling really pissed and uncomfortable. Tell him exactly what you are feeling. In a calm tone. And while you are telling him this, hold his hand to your breast as you express yourself. Let the anger go.
Do this for as long as you can. If you are ready for him to move on, tell him. If you are not, say... "okay, stop for a few minutes and let me catch my breath." Catch your breath. When you feel you have your emotions under control, begin again.
Each time you do this, you will be able to go further and further. AND. In the midst of you telling him your feelings, all he is allowed to do is acknowledge what you are feeling. He doesn't get to argue. (Which means you have to tell him the rules of this procedure before you begin.... and tell him that he is doing this in order to HELP you, not to take it personally).
The point here is to confront your feelings as they occur, not after you have rejected him, not after you've both rolled over, gone to sleep, and you feel remorseful and bad the next day.
He needs to share with you the emotions you are battling so he can understand exactly what it is you are confronting. And even if he doesn't understand them, per se, he is there with you as you go through them, he goes with you as far as you are able, he shares the moment and the experience with you... he is helping you overcome an engrained defense mechanism you have against HIM and YOURSELF. Not sex.
This isn't about sex... it's about unresolved emotions that get in the way of sex. You are responding in anger and frustratioon to him out of HABIT. You want to have sex. Just not with him. And the reason you don't want to have sex with him is because you are PISSED at him and have been for a number of years. You RESENT him.
Get rid of your anger and your resentment. Sex will take care of itself.
Quote: IF your H were to give up trying to feel loved by you and go have an affair, I seriously doubt that you would care if he cleaned the toilet. You would probably just be happy when he came home. You would probably feel and think things like 'but he promised', 'he told me he loved me', 'why didnt he try to make me understand harder', 'he said he would take care of us' and feel very bitter about all of it.
My H wouldn't come back. I wouldn't let him back in the door. Why couldn't he just clean the toilet in the first place?
Anyway, joking aside if our marriage got to the point where H was looking elsewhere it wouldn't be worth saving. He just is not that type of guy.
Quote: Did you tell you H I am going to cut you off after we have a child, and I am a SAHM, because you wont clean the toilet? Thanks for the child, thanks for supporting us, but I dont love you because you dont clean the toilet.
Are you serious? I'm not psychic, are you?
Did my H tell me that when we got married he would impregnate me 5 times and only have 2 children and that it would really screw up my hormones? Did H tell me that once the baby/ies came along that he would want sex whether I did or not? Did H tell me that he would go into fits of rage if he did not get sex on a regular basis? NO.
The thing here is that I know that it would have been impossible for him to tell me because he had no way of knowing. Trying to predict the future is like trying to change the past. It can't be done. I'm just trying to get through today a bit better than yesterday.
Damn, I wish I was me with my H's libido...
(is that better? lol)
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
Corri, your post is exactly where I was about 12 months ago.
Now, the resentment and anger has dissipated somewhat, but I am having a lot of trouble with the sex part. I don't look forward to it, it's not exciting and it feels like a chore - something that has to be done to keep things running smoothly. I don't get turned on, so how can it be a satisfying encounter for either of us emotionally or physically?
I feel my body has let me down and my brain isn't far behind.
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
Quote: Herein is the conundrum. If two people (or one even) in a marriage are showing their partner love in a way that makes them uncomfortable, how can this be a good thing? What is being achieved? Shouldn't they work on ways that are beneficial for both parties?
Yes! People have a specific love langauge and I would guess that your husbands is physical touch (common for men) and that yours is something else like Quality Time or Acts Of Service. EACH of you must learn to speak the others love language. You say you love your husband, but yet you do not show him love in HIS love language, so in effect, he sees no love.
From what I see here, you would like to basically give up sex. You are asking your husband to give up his #1 need. Is this a realistic expectation? How do you thnk that will make him feel? Does he have the right then to ask you to give up your #1 need as well? Do you see the need for sex as not being a valid need?
Quote: excellent. You fight back,( not very well though, but Im gonna give you a breather) and have a sense of humor.
You scared if you give an inch I might take a mile blackie? LOL
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
Quote: From what I see here, you would like to basically give up sex. You are asking your husband to give up his #1 need. Is this a realistic expectation? How do you thnk that will make him feel? Does he have the right then to ask you to give up your #1 need as well? Do you see the need for sex as not being a valid need?
Well CeMar, if we could both give up sex I reckon life would be fantastic. Our household would be so much happier. But I do know that it is impossible and that is why I'm here talking to you lovely people.
I am searching for clues how to satisfy H's needs as well as my own. I want to be clever about it and not take the easy road of just laying there, rolling my eyes, thinking hurry up. Funny though, everything was fine for him until I stopped doing that. I felt like I should have been doing it for money, at least I would have gotten something out of it. Sorry I digress.
In the meantime I will lurk around getting ideas and wait for my herbs to kick in.
I wish I had a chocolate biscuit...
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
Ah blackie, it's been fun. You have made an otherwise boring day a bit less so.
H has made an effort today so I will do my best to reciprocate.
It can't come quickly enough
And now you've spent your life
Waiting for this moment
And when you finally saw it come
It passed you by and left you so defeated.
Scissor Sisters - 'It Can't Come Quickly Enough'
of anticipation off my face. interspersed with chuckles. ahhhhh. 