Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again the long walk home in pieces.

Oh, and I never thought she was 'stupid'. just normal. I'm not normal and I never will be. I'm sure she doesn't 'mean to' hurt me or the kids, but she IS and she KNOWS she is. What kind of coward does that?

Answer: One I won't be married to. I never saw her for the weak person she is. Maybe this was really supposed to be MY opportunity to get rid of HER and I haven't been seeing it clearly. I wonder how many of us on the DB board stay blinded for a long time? What's our life worth?

I'm sorry for those of you who thought I was pretty ok guy. It's all B.S. because I'm really a self centered selfish jerk. I'm taking ME away from her. She is going to get what she says she wants. Then she can be 'happy'. I can afford a lawyer, too bad she can't.

Frank, I had the same feelings about my H. I thought him a coward, and a fool for allowing himself to emotionally leave our R. He betrayed me, he communicated more with OW, living in a fantasy world where they hadn't even seen each other since they were teens, and now suddenly they had always loved each other. They only spoke on the phone, and via email and IM, but this was apparently what he felt was his road to happiness - screw his M of almost 20 years, and his children. Believe me, I understand completely how you feel.

He accused me of so many things - some completely false, and some I thought rather silly, but they need something to justify their actions. What worked for me, was having patience and deciding that I loved him unconditionally. Which doesn't mean he got to do what he liked. I had my boundaries.

Anyway, we are in a committed R now. He is trying to earn my trust back (my biggest issue now), does all kinds of things. It is good to vent your anger and frustration here on the bb - helped me a lot. Your feelings do not make you a bad person - if you didn't feel this way sometimes, you wouldn't be a normal, betrayed spouse. These feelings will definitely help you detach. Once I detached, and was actually looking forward to the D, and being in charge of my own life, my H suddenly found that he still loved me, blah, blah.

I remember how he also thought that I didn't appreciate how hard he worked, but I never got any words of appreciation for also working to earn money for the family, or working to maintain our home, and be a mother to our children. Oh! But, he felt the OW was a good mother - my @ss, she was willing to put their lives on the line for all this BS, whereas, I had never even considered having an A, even during times when he was putting me through absolute hell (other than the EA this time). I felt, this was what one gets when you are faithful, and supportive. Ha! So, now I have no expectations, and it seems to work.

Sorry if this post seems all over the place. I just felt I needed to respond to your post, but I am also in the middle of getting assignments done, and don't usually have time to do any posting - just lurk most days. Take care of yourself - be your own best friend.

Frank....vent your heart out. I so feel for you and am sad that you're going through this. I am so sorry.

I hope you get to a spot where you feel sort of healthy again...where you're not internalizing all that she does. Easier said than done, I know, but it's HER actions, and HER life. DO NOT take this as anything that speaks of you.

Vent, vent, vent. Let these feelings help you detach...you're getting there.

I'm also sad to read your post, because I just imagine the rage my H feels right now...though I did not do what your W did, I was pretty horrible with other things. Snaps me back to reality.

Oh, for the record, I told W she was a wonderful mother (she is, or at least has been so far) at least once a week if not more for the entire marriage. I often said I wished I had been lucky enough to have a mother like her. And I DO understand how much work it is. She got her appreciation and her thanks from me.

Quote:

---

BeingMe:

Your feelings do not make you a bad person - if you didn't feel this way sometimes, you wouldn't be a normal, betrayed spouse. These feelings will definitely help you detach. Once I detached, and was actually looking forward to the D, and being in charge of my own life, my H suddenly found that he still loved me, blah, blah.

---

All I want is to be appreciated. Look at everything I've did for her DURING her affair-that-wasn't-really-an-affair-because-we're-divorcing.

I mean, I pay for EVERYTHING so she could do what she did. I support her so she can put what little money she earns into attempting to build a business. I support her emotionally when she is not confident in her ability to make a business work.

I EVEN WAS THERE WHEN SHE WAS IN TERRIBLE EMOTIONAL PAIN AFTER HER LIFE FELL APART, AFTER SHE REALIZED OM USED HER. Do you think that was easy? She's sitting on the bathroom floor crying and what am I supposed to think? "Oh, hon, I'm sorry the 'man' you ran to emotionally and slept with, the one you told how 'glad you were to finally be free of me', the one you laughed with when he e-mailed you and said that I was just a 'Butt Head' and you were so happy you didn't have to 'be my mother' any more.

But hey, let me pick you up off the ground and suck up the hurt so I can make YOU feel better about yourself. I can tell you that you are not a bad person, that I can forgive you. I can hold you while you cry about someone else. I can spend the time to help you heal.

I can make you feel safe.

Yeah, me. The 'butt head, mommy's boy'.

How about a 'thank you' for being there when you need me? Is that too much to ask? Apparently so.

HOW ABOUT A THANK YOU FOR ANYTHING?

I could go on and on and on. She hasn't even told me her 'relationship' as she called it, has ended. It's been over a month. Coward.

And now, I NEED somebody for ME, and the best I get out of her is 'Gee you seem a little out of sorts today'. HELLO? I'm not sure if you've been following current events but, could you take a moment and recognize that MAYBE it's because of YOU?

Amy, Spitfire, Becca and everyone else has said this: Take care of Frank. Ok. I WILL. She's out. No, I won't rub her feet, her shoulders, give her a hug if she's down or do any favors for her. She can stay in her room alone or watch TV - alone.

Scared you won't be able to make it in your business ventures? Call your dumb ass friends who give you such good support and let them lift your spirits with stupid observations and comments that are based on a complete lack of understanding of you, and the world you really live in. Morons.

I give up on her. I can't fight two battles at the same time. The battle for my self, or the battle for my marriage. I only have enough energy for one. She loses.

Even my worst friends wouldn't treat me like this.

Quote:

---

BeingMe:

Ha! So, now I have no expectations, and it seems to work.

---

I have one expectation: The only person I can depend on to support me is .... ME. The only people who will appreciate me are my children.

I married a loser, probably because the sex was good. Maybe some day she will grow up. I did.

Oh Wait! She's calling me on my cell phone right now! Dare I answer it? Will she need me? Doubt it. She can leave a message.

But - she didn't. Guess it wasn't important. Probably wanted to chit chat about friend stuff! Oh well, I missed out. Bummer.

Keep venting, Frank. I'm happy to read that you KNOW that YOU ARE A GREAT GUY...worthy of praise and appreciation. That's great--don't EVER forget that. Whatever happens next on this road, keep that in the center of your thoughts.

You have been nothing short of a saint. I know that I said that my H went through similar circumstances, and I was terrible at supporting him and was emotionally abusive at times, but you really put up with a LOT. I am so sorry. You are selfless beyond words and you need to stop that..or you will lose yourself.

One reminder, whatever you do from now on...remember that you are STRONG. You are worthy and act with confidence and strength. She still does not see that in you...and whatever you do, make sure she knows that you are not running away, but finally having the courage to stand up.

Hey there, Frank -
Can I talk to you a little bit about loving detachment? Right now you are in angry detachment mode. It works in a primitive way to wall off your feelings against more hurt, but it keeps you tied to the pain and the misery, and tends not to lead in a direction you really want to go.

Loving detachment comes when you can take a step back from your situation. When you can realize it's not all about you. That she has issues and problems that are hers alone, that not everything she is doing is a reaction to you. And that you really don't NEED her in order to be happy and fulfilled in your life, although you may WANT her.

I understand your anger. It's normal to be furious with someone who is hurting your kids in such a serious way. But at the same time, try to find a little Buddhist compassion for your wife. If as you say you were clinically depressed for 5 years - well, living with a depressed spouse myself, I can say that must have been very difficult and lonely for her.

And right now, she is confused and desperate like most WASs. Heading down a path that will likely lead her to a sad and unfulfilled life. If she's anything like my H was, she really has no idea what she's doing or why - just feels like an animal caught in a trap, gnawing her own leg off to escape.

Now - I'm not saying you should be a doormat or anything. And if you truly want to choose the last resort, I think it would be fine to tell her you've thought about it, decided she is right, you deserve someone who will treat you much better, and how soon can she move? But sleep on it a bit, don't make a decision like that out of the pain you are currently feeling.

You cannot control the choices she makes. But you DO have control over yourself and your decisions. You can choose to have joy in your life right now, separate from whatever is happening in the marriage. What is an outside activity you can focus on to get your mind away from the marriage for a while? (I trained to climb Mount Whitney - Tripletmom is learning to scuba dive - TJ is taking salsa lessons). Think outside the box. Take a break from worrying about the marriage.

As for your depression - what treatment are you getting for it now, may I ask?

Ellie

Quote:

---

As it was for me. But she was in a position to do something about it. She could have helped me, no she SHOULD have helped me. But she did not. She whined, whimpered and complained. Made me feel worse since I couldn't help myself.

---

Ah, but it's not easy, my friend. Certainly not easy for the layperson to know how to help someone with depression (or even to recognize it) and sometimes not easy even for a professional like myself (my depressed H did a pretty good job of convincing me all his problems were due to my inadequacies).

And yes, I do know how you feel - because I felt that my H should have been able to see how sick I was with my hyperthyroidism and should have taken charge of my medical care instead of leaving me to muddle through with my foggy brain. But you know what? He was so used to thinking of me as strong and capable, he just couldn't see that I needed his help. Maybe your W was the same way?

I'm not saying any of that excuses how she's handled things now. But if you can get to that point of loving detachment, where you don't take everything she does as a referendum on your own self worth - things will go better. I promise, it's a much better place to be.

Ellie

Frank, how are ya doing today?

Frank, I understand your anger now. You have went through some pretty tough times, and I agree that your W did not handle her emotions towards how you were in M very well...her "retaliation" of sorts.

Like Ellie, you know that my H was also depressed. It's good to hear your side to what we, as the other spouse, should have done to "pull" you out of the depression, but like Ellie mentions, no one can do that. Not even you could. Imagine, then, how it must feel to be a constant caretaker with no results. To feel like a failure, because you just want 1 day that you make your H happy. Imagine the guilt you feel when you want to be happy, and fell pulled down because your spouse is miserable--in it'w own way, it's controlling. Imagine feeling blue, overwhelmed, or pulled under by life at times (anything) and not being to turn to your spouse because they are already having a tough time, so you take care of yourself. Not well, but you try. Then you get angry, because you wanted someone to lean on too, all those years. You get mad because just once, they could not come out of the fog, for you, to engage.

These are the feelings of your W. When she says that she is not your "mother" anymore, it's a horrible insult, but has a lot of pain in the statement for her as well. She's saying that she needed you, but was a caretaker the whole time. She might not have been, but that's how she felt. Her view on your depression, of being able to pull out of it, is wrong, as were my assumptions, but it's so defeating....you lose rational thought that a person can't pull themselves out quickly...you feel that they should.

She lost compassion, sympathy and respect. That hurts for you now. Trust that she will see your changes and will trust them. It will take a while. Her coldness to you is her refusal, shutting down, when she even mildly sees you as needy and perceives you as "self-centered" with depression.

I'm not saying this excuses her current mishaps. I'm not saying this should not hurt you. I certainly don't mean to offend. I'm just trying, in cyberspace, to give your Ws point of view, since she isn't right now. You can duke it out with me.

I know you've spent time understanding, etc. I know it's tough and it certainly doesn't justify what she did. BUT, one thing that I find previously depressed spouses not see is that though your actions were benign neglect, passive, and not direct and premeditated like your Ws actions (having an A), it hurts just the same: both make you feel lonely, inadequate, failure, defeated, hurt and angry.

I'm glad that you're getting treated, I'm glad that you're making changes. She will see them. She will come around. Until then, set your boundaries. Lovingly detach.