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Starting a new thread before the old one is locked....

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I'm not really sure if I'm piecing together anything. I'm just trying to stop things from continuing to go towards divorce.

So I get home tonite around 6 and she's making dinner. I volunteer to help and she gives me some vegetable chopping to do. Not very talkative, though she wasn't 'unhappy' either.

During dinner she is kinda quiet, a little uncomfortable. When she looks at me she barely smiles. I'm expecting some big new bomb. Then she says "What do you do for fun?"

I have to think about it. I start listing things I like to do for fun, and she says "but what do you actually DO, not what do you LIKE to do?"

It took me a moment to realize I haven't been doing a lot to have fun. There were a few things I could name but not a lot. I DIDN'T say "Well, I've been spending a lot of time WITH YOU trying to establish trust and maybe build a relationship again!"

I said I'd like to take the Ballroom Dancing class we took together again. She said 'you didn't like it though' and I replied "I didn't like my LIFE then". I think it would be fun to take it and actually TRY to learn it. Then we could go to these dance places and actually be able to go out onto the floor instead of just sitting.

She said she'd been journaling and realized she doesn't do anything for fun. She was going to focus on ways she could have fun that were cheap or free since she is poor. I think this is a good idea.

Later when I was cleaning the pots I 'popped her butt' with a towel (not hard!) and we had a laugh. I also at one point came up behind her and put my chin on her shoulder and said somethihg to her and she leaned her head very slightly so it touched my head. She didn't 'assert' herself and say 'no' so that's a good thing. At least the barrier she put up isn't totally impenetrable.

Other than that, nothing else has happened tonite. I felt kind of like yet ANOTHER challenge has been dropped at my feet: Become a FUN person!

Not that I don't want to but I am so stressed out from the mood swings, the talks of being on her own and everything else that I'm fried. My anxiety levels are through the roof.

I don't want to come off as 'needy' but you know what? I AM needy right now. I need to feel loved.

She was complaining the other day about how she will 'never meet someone who will love her back as much as she loves them' and I'm thinking "HEY! I love you more than anything! HEY! It's right here in front of you!". And now she's emotionally down because she has realized she doesn't do anything for 'fun'. ANd since neither do I, then it's another reason not to be married to me. When does this [censored] end? When do we work together to achieve life goals, like family fun and other stuff?

It's not like I haven't had enough to fix in my life while under pressure. When will God and the Universe give me a break? Give ME a relationship. let ME feel safe. She says she feels safe with me. I don't feel safe with her.

I wish I had a friend I could go to their house and whine and cry right now. It just keeps coming at me. Sigh.

My friend told me today that God wouldn't give you a task that you couldn't handle. Well, haven't I proved myself YET?

Damnit Frank, now I have to look over here to follow one of my favorite people's life and times. Good luck to you. You are one of the best.

GH

Frank post one last on old thread. I go here now.

Shark

Sometimes Frank you should look at what you do. Sometimes you give her affection from a point of strength. Other times from weakness.

Am I right or wrong and can you tell the difference if so and if so you should stop. Just a thought. In your last post I got this idea.

Shark

When you give the affection when you are weak it comes off from that point. I am sure you can FEEL the difference in you when you give it from weakness or from strength.

I guess that is what I am saying. And get this. I can sence it in your writing in your words. How else was I able to make the observation?

Shark

Well, bedtime. W watched a movie with D15 till 10:30 pm. Then she talked to me about nothing in particular and just turned and said 'well goodnite' and went to her room.

I was lookng for my reading glasses and asked her if she had seen them and she said 'no'. I found them a few minutes later and poked my head in her door and said 'Look I found them!'. She said half jokingly, half annoyed, 'go away, I want to read'. I said 'awww, can't I pester you a little?' and smiled and she said 'no, go away'. So I did and tried to make a joke of it, in case I looked needy.

I'm hurt. I had a week of good stuff and now she's gone again. I let myself hope and got hurt. How can she just turn it off? The same way she did in October. It's just that easy for her. Whatever she was feeling for me last week - dead. I don't even know what caused this change, did I not show 'affection' when she gave me 'permission'? Friday nite we were close, lying on the couch together, caressing her hair, her sighing softly.

Today she doesn't want me too close to her. We didn't have a fight, argument, disagreement or anything else that I can look at and say "that was what did it". It just left her.

I know I'm reacting to her and it's probably coming across to her that I 'might' be needy. I can't maintain this front all the time. I've been asked to do so much.

I'm not a quitter, but as I look at her tonite all I see is emptyness. She's nice and friendly but the barrier is up. I should have let her go. I don't know what else to do - be close - be distant, get out of the house, what?

LAst week I started to see some of the playfulness of the girl I once knew. It sucked me in, I let my guard down. She went back to the space Aliens. I think to her this is some kind of game. It's all about what she wants and pretty much everything that's not the way she wants it to be can be blamed on me.

Tomorrow I see my Counselor. I know she'll say 'wait two months and see what changes' and she'll focus on the good things frome last week.

The thing is, every time this stuff happens I just don't want to work on it any more. There must be plenty of women who want a high achiever like me who has a big heart. Yes, I admit I went through some changes and growth lately but I'm low mileage, so if you're out there and live near Thousand Oaks, CA send me your e-mail!

Tired and ready to go back to detached and giving up on this current 'play house' game seems to have ended. It'd be a lot easier to find someone new than to keep hoping she will change. I'm tired.

What do I do that is so different from others on the db board besides bare my soul so much more? What is it that makes folks like yourself give me such compliments and support? I need to find that part of me and be able to help it to grow.

Frank, I have been wondering that myself. Honestly, you don't post on others threads much (or at least the ones I view regularly) so it's not that you are out there helping people THAT way. I don't mean that to sound harsh, just accepting that one major reason people like other people around here is because of the mutual exchange that happens.
What I think it is with you...well, it's that you really seem to have a knack for expressing yourself in great detail and with what seems like true honesty.
Most of us just bitch and journal. You somehow capture the essence of your sitch, and therefore many of our sitch's. Since many of us here get more from identifying with OTHER people's trials and tribulations, it stands to reason that your story, with all it's depth and free expression would serve as one of most helpful.
Your thread serves as a really deep look into the soul of someone doing this DB thing with full commitment and force of will. You seem to brush that off, but it is something that is not easy to achieve. Trust me, I've tried and have not been nearly as successful. You blend the day-to-day details of your life with philosophical reflection that makes for great, insightful reading.
I know you don't feel that way about yourself some of the time but we see the big picture, painted by all the details you've shared and the soul bearing you've done.
Also, I think there is a bit of awe at the fact that you seem to have this all so straight in your head...right up until you admit that you're just as screwed up as we are, then we get to feel ok with ourselves because this man who seems so put together is really struggling just like us.
Oh, and it helps that we see progress and growth from not only you, but your W and entire family.
Frank, do not doubt the power of honest communication. You are very good at it, either that or you're the best liar I have ever seen, lol.

GH