Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE LD men--Do they really exist?

Karen1:

There are HD women on these boards that have BIG time relational issues with their LD husbands and yet they REAMIN HD. This goes AGAINST the popular theory that relational issues are the cause of low libido. In theory, the HD women on these boards should be LD! The only thnig I can figure is that they are still HD because their hormones TELL them to be HD.

HP:

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The difference that I see between LD women and LD men is that the men are still masturbating--quite regularly, in fact.

So when the women say, "I'm just not interested in sex that much" there is a truth to what they say that is not there when you hear these words from an LDH.

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I hate to say this, but I mb'd, and I'd say a lot of LDWs mb (at least more than we think). I discussed this with my shrink. What he told me was, my sex drive was normal, and it was a great indication that I had very healthy desires and urges (thank God).

If your H is mb'ing, or LDH men are mb'ing, I'd say it is a good indication that they are in fact normal, at least on a physical level. Good. The mb'ing as a substitute for sex is an indication of an emotional problem within the R that has nothing to do the act of sex itself.

Corri

"This goes AGAINST the popular theory that relational issues are the cause of low libido. In theory, the HD women on these boards should be LD! The only thnig I can figure is that they are still HD because their hormones TELL them to be HD."

You have to be careful not to paint real people with such broad brushstrokes CeMar. Just because a theory doesn't work for a significant fraction of the population does not invalidate the theory. We are not dealing with classical physics, there are a lot of variables when you start trying to predict human behavior.

darlingnicky:

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I think we go to an opposite extreme when we are denied something. Just like dieting. You are told no snacks or sweets. What do you think about ALL THE TIME? Snack and sweets. IMO, I think it is the extreme behavior of the LD partner that pushes the other partmer to the HD side.

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BINGO! You hit the nail on the head. The HD condition of the HD spouse is made FAR WORSE by the response of the LD spouse. The LD spouse feels like a hunted animal (I know tha tmy wife does) because the HD is FORCED to focus on what they are NOT getting. Dr. Laura addresses this all the time on her show. As she puts it, if your husband keeps bothering you for sex, how do you bring this under control? The only way to resolve the situation is the LD spouse must have LOTS of sex. This will aloow the HD spouse to UNFOCUS from sex and focus on other things. This means having sex at the frequency that the HD wants, which to most LD's looks like an impossibility (but to the HD spouse it appears NORMAL).

CeMar:

Well, like Karen said, people (not HDs/LDs, not male/female) handle what life throws at them in all different manners.

And I am wondering, too, if the HD female is slightly different to her HD male counterpart in that she is more often emotionally horny, whereas a HD male is physically horny. I'm sure there is a mix of emotion/physical urge for both the HD male/female, but one being higher than the other in both. kwis?

Corri

Cemar,

Listen to Corri since you didn't catch what I was saying. When I said that the relational aspect is a part of HD and LD in women here is what I meant. In LD women (maybe men too) the quality of the R determines whether or not or how much sex they want. In HD women (and maybe men) the desire for relationship IS why they desire sex even when there are problems. Sexual resilience. Therefore, Cemar it is a personality thing moreso than a defective libido thing (once again, barring real medical issues).

Karen

Corri,
I don't think I'm explaining myself very well. Heck I can't even think of how to phrase my real question. I know that LD women masturbate but it is the frequency that I'm talking about. Dr. Sandra Pertot wrote a book about low libido that said something similar: The difference between the LD man and the LD woman is that the man is still taking care of himself frequently.

I guess it is something like this: Women who are LD are acting in a way that is congruous with their physical makeup. I'm sure they do mbate, even if they are telling their spouses they have no urges, for an urge to mbate is not the same as an urge to ML, for many many reasons.

But men who are LD are actually going against their physical makeup. Their bodies are producing T and they get urges but they go to great lengths to either subvert those urges, or they get rid of them rather quickly and alone.

IOW, an LD gal is doing nothing strange with respect to her physical makeup and urges.

I see the LD man as a sort of anorexic/bulemic. He still wants to eat, still has urges to eat, but either refuses or binges, alone.

I don't see the LD woman in the same way. She does not have an urge to "eat" every day, many many many times a day. Her urges are more fleeting, more subtle. Heck any woman's urges cannot compare to a man's, either in strength or duration or frequency. We are simply not wired that way.

It tends to screw with the HDW's mind to know that her husband has normal testosterone and her man has frequent urges, BUT they do not translate into action.

Corri,

I agree with you about the physical/emotional components of men and women's drives. I am still the HD in my relationship, but certainly my physical drive is lower than his. I have gone for months without MBing, even when we were not having sex. For me, it is not the orgasm, but the emotional connection that counts. H, on the other hand, used to MB quite frequently - a couple of times a week from what he tells me. If I am to believe him, there is no emotional component to his drive at all.

I guess when our relationship was in a bad place, he had no motivation to have a sex life with me because it was too much work to satisfy me emotionally. Ironically, he has never complained about satisfying me physically.

As for me, I was emotionally so needy and deprived that I rarely detected the physical horniness when it did show up! My radar is finely tuned now, and I usually let H know when I am actually horny, because he enjoys the physical and the erotic side of me. Its hard for me to bring out that gal when I am in an emotional state.

In any case, HP, you can add my H to the list of LDHs who was never really LD.

Julie

Jules,
Yes this is what I am getting at!

My H was never truly LD either, in a physical sense.

But many women are LD, from a physical sense, and remain so even if they have a tremendously satisfying sex life with their mate.

Why does this matter? It most probably doesn't, lol.

I am just thinking and ruminating on the intense amount of energy H must have put into subverting his sex drive. We used to go a month or more and now I can tell a difference in him within a few days..he is more tuned into me, more focused on me and I know that he's getting horny.

I am also thinking about what he told me during those times (I don't have sexual fantasies, I don't have sexual urges, etc) and even though I was hearing it from his own mouth, I doubted it. I believed it on the surface--what else could I do--but there was always a niggling voice in the back of my head, whispering to me that he was a normal guy.