I have come to realize that my H is not selfish and uncaring, just a human being, like me. I also have to admit that everything is not about me and my feelings.
I will try to be considerate of my H's feelings, like I do with good friends. Why is it that we come to take the people we love the most for granted and treat them so badly? I have come to see this whole experience as a wake up call for me.
Hmmm, feeling kind of blue tonight. Had a few meltdowns. Saw the bank account and H is just on a binge to help anyone who comes to him for $ (which is common where we work). I don't mind that, but never tells me and lies about things. BUT, he's not careful about doing it...kind of like he doesn't care that I find out, but don't ask, cause you'll get a bold, bad lie. I'm so sick of it...not even snooping, just looking through bank acocunt and phone bill (which is NORMAL), I feel that I'm always afraid of finding something...and I do. Like doing normal things is like finding a bomb. I feel really disrespected.
So, I'm seriously thinking that when I return from the trip, I'm going to open a bank account of my own, and kindly tell H that he can do whatever he wants with his $, not going to control/judge, but I would like my hard earned $ to be in a place where I don't have to keep my mouth shut about lies. Maybe I'll just do it and won't tell him...seems to be the language he understands, eh?
He hasn't called me last night or tonight yet, but this was supposed to be "space" for us while he's away. Frankly it's nice, but I know he's been on the phone with other FF's from work (nothing romantic, but still).
Just feeling like this is too much. Found myself praying that God would just end this...that he would come home and leave me...would be easier. Tonight, just feeling like I don't know how much more of this I can take...the acting as if, and sudden pangs of realizing how crappy things turned out and HOW? Well, I know my part in it, but this whole lies, secrecy thing is too much for me to handle now.
Usually, I try to stay strong, but tonight, feeling really low.
Kind of feeling like all of this will just stay this way. Don't see the light right now.
Always, hang in there, today is a new day. You have come so far to give up now.
My H does the same thing, I found a debit last week for a Hallmark store! Come on, if he wants to buy her a card pay cash, but like your H it's like they don't care if we see it.
Since you have a job (I don't) then I totally agree with you that you should open your own account. I wish I could do that.
Look, your H is not doing what is in the best interest of your marriage, doesn't mean you have to go along with his frivilous spending. And when you open the account, don't tell him, he doesn't feel he needs to tell you things.... Anyway, I'm sounding a little vindictive (sp?), my own situation seeping in here.
Fighting for your marriage takes courage, patience and determination. Last night you were questioning your sanity and you were ready to throw in the towel. Don't do it, think of your children (if you have any), think of your life before the rug was pulled out from under it. You still love this man, or you would not be here. Just go with the flow right now and continue on your personal journey.
The front of my journal says this "...just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a beautiful butterfly" You are on your way to becoming that butterfly, so am I. In fact, last January on my birthday I went so far as to get a tatoo of a butterfly - total 180!
Hey Mama! Thanks for the cheer...so sweet. Hit a low last night, but that's to be expected. Good thing, I slept REALLY well...worked out this morning and feel great. Little stressed b/c so much to do b/f I leave for vacation, but keeps me busy. The house is a wreck, so I called H to see if he's coming today or tomorrow....he was asleep...but for the first time, he seemed ENTHUSED to hear from me...sweet voice. Who knows what it means.
I've cooled down a bit. Accepting things as they are. You're right...come too far to be impatient now...and I try to remind myself of all the silly, horrible things I did to test his patience for years...he didn't crack for a long time. I can be patient with him. In fact, it's what he thanked me for the other day. I guess it's good that he's not trying desperately to hide things from me. Also, he's stopped using his "other" phone, uses ours now...I never asked for that.
Proves the biggest lesson in all of this to me: If you demand, control, it will run away from you and never happen. If you let go, love and show patience, you will get everything you wish. H seems to slowly be doing the things I always demanded from him...talking R, stop using phone, keeping to just friends with FF, etc.
For now, I'm gonna just focus on vacation, having a blast and putting this mess behind me for a bit, enjoy being away. Tell the truth, I'm looking forward to being in a different place and not this home. I'll deal with things when I return. Hey, who said procrastination wasn't a good thing?? !!
Well, went to work out this morning and H called when I got back. He sounded sleepy, just woke up. I was really happy for him. He's been working hard lately, and needed the break...he's been sleeping tons, eating well (and on time) and working out, going to the hotel sauna. I was happy to hear that...he sounded relaxed and well.
We had a nice conversation, about news on his end and mine. For the first time in a while, he really asked me about stuff in my life (trip, work, etc). We talked for 45 min, which is a miracle...finally, we both had to go. For some reason, it was a little awkward on the phone, might have just been me. Felt like I was talking to a boy that I liked a lot, and ran out of things to say. I guess that's a good thing--the feeling of novelty and nervousness. Also, I have barely spoken to him this week, so a little out of touch. He actually sounded excited about my trip, which is nice. We're both trying to be excited about each other.
Kinda weird. He told me about a friend he saw this week, and how he is now separated. Really shocking. Turns out it's for a lot of the same reasons we have. She got fed up with him being so miserable when home, and kicked him out. He said she had a lot of issues too, demanding, lazy, etc....they hadn't hugged in 2 years. H actually said "her complaints were, hate to say, similar to yours about me..." I didn't say anything, let it go. Of course, his friends complaints about W were like my H about me.
I guess it threw me b/c here was a couple with strong spiritual background and similar issues and kids, and they SPLIT. It was like a kick in the gut...so what hope do we have? H just mentioned it, and stopped talking about it...and we went back to normal conversation. I think I might have projected aloofness...but he was just waking up and tired. Does he think it's just a matter of time for us too? Seems this other couple never really tried to work things out....the W certainly made things worst too with certain actions...
Then, ya know what? I calmed down so quickly. I like who I am now. I like who I was on the phone with H and who I am with/without him. I like the person I was and am now growing into more....I am not those horrible things as a W anymore. That's all I can do. I'm sorry for my part in the past, but that was then, this is now. If it was too much for H, and the love can't come back, then so be it. All I can do is be the best me. If this ends, it will be sad, very painful, but then again, closing a chapter in your life will be, no matter what.
I'm probably being negative for no reason. We had some good stuff happen bfore H left, and hope to have 1 good day with hm before I leave. Funny, we're doing an induced separation now...for 2 months, we'll be together for a little over 2 weeks...other than that, we have trips of our own. Nice space....I already feel the effects. Seeing him again will be nice, like seeing him when we dated. Hope it's the same for him.
I told him that I was happy he was relaxed and got to get away from home/life. I also told him that I was happy that when he returned, I would be gone for 2+ weeks...I was glad that he would have the space in his own home...to come home, not have someone waiting, to have space and time...I told him that he's needed that for some time and glad he's getting it. He said "yeah" and didn't say anything else. I didn't push. I did want to just get it out there though...that I cared about him, even if it meant taking me out of the picture.
