So sweet! Means so much! Please, feel free to post any advice you have--it's all more valuable to me that you can imagine! Take care and I'll catch up on your thread! You hang in there too...better days lie ahead.
You are posting a lot about detaching. You do understand the point that it is for your sanity, so that is good. Tell us what you are doing to GAL or raise your PMA. This makes it easier to detach. You are still very focused on H and I know this is almost impossible to avoid. So it is more about baby steps in detaching. Or actually baby steps in GAL. What do you enjoy besides H? When was the last time you bought yourself something new and exciting to wear, or changed hair styles, anything to make that person in the mirror smile back? That makes some great PMA. Get yourself some fresh flowers. Maybe put one in your hair and dance around the house naked. See that's what I'm talking about. And if it doesn't help your PMA, just send me pictures and I'll try to help you figure out how to do it better next time.
The PMA is really good, actually. I trip sometimes, but find pulling myself up is pretty easy and quick, mostly...this was impossible for me before.
I guess I post about H here b/c I treat this like my online E-journal about M and not much else about my life. BUT, I am doing little things for ME. I set a plan each night about what I'll do (since I'm mostly alone), I hang with friends most nights, went to a party last night, schedule things for the weekend. I'm working out (BIG thing for me), reading so much more, back in touch with friends. I'm taking extra care to look/feel nice....makeup, clothes. I'm having more fun at work, more focused and getting into things at work more....feeling great about that. I love what I do, and I lost interest in it lately with the mess. I try to laugh as much as possible with good friends/people...I know it sounds silly, but I'm a pretty social, giggly, spirited person usually....I want that back again. I was sick of walking around like a zombie, not engaged. I try to smile more to people, do little things to help them or recognize people...it's like a battery charge for me and them...that is also who I am, naturally.
You're right, part of detaching from H is how it affects my M interactions, but the other part is letting go of all the chains that fogged who I really was....the insecurity, criticizing, controlling, anger, frustration, impatience. Not to blame, but I also felt that some of this was rubbed from H during his years of feeling low...but how much of his was from me? Who knows. Bottom line is, I feel the old me coming back...that feels good.
I regret letting life change my personality so much...I never thought i would let that happen....but I guess it's another lesson learned...I'm starting to discover my identity, personality, etc....and know I will hang onto these at my core, forever.
GAL Improvement: when I return from my trip...I'm planning on getting involved with some sort of community volunteer effort. It's time for me, giving (which is a battery charge for me), social and away from home.
Hi all! Been days since I've posted....keeping busy and taking things easy. Lots to post, but without the details (hey, big for me to leave this out!!), things seem to be progressing nicely. H actually initiated an R talk, seems much more affectionate and some unexpected, small advances by him.
I'm taking it with stride, not reading too much into it, and just plugging along with the loving detachment, which is proving easier to do. H is away this week, so the space is nice. Getting back on the health track, so feeling good.
Most importantly, I wanted to come on and post to day to voice a small observation....I usually try to read several threads here, pretty regularly. It seems, dare I say, that many sitch's here are slowly rounding the hairy bend...though it doesn't seem like it to the thread owner.
So, I feel good things in our futures.....hang in there when it gets tough. I suspect, as with much of life, that the going gets toughest just when you see the light.
Hi always - What a lot of ground you have covered in this thread, wow. Regardless of how H responds, your voyage of self discovery by itself must be so rewarding.
Just wondering, other than the way you respond to him, how else would H find you changed?
Hi Slowly, thanks for your post and always though-provoking questions. How else have I changed? Lots of ways...and I'm not all that bent on having to show H, just doing it for me, and knowing that it comes through...he's not apathetic nor dumb. Plus, I don't want to get hung up on doing things for him when I'm trying to detach. So, here's the list:
1) Exercising--BIG for me...makes me feel great and already seeing difference in body. H commented on this...made mention that I am more beautiful now than when we first met. Mostly , he's glad that I exercise for my health, not body changes (he uses that to encourage me, b/c, after all, I'm a woman and vanity appeals first!). He's been really supportive...ordered tons of clothes for it, etc. I do it for ME...he's not here this week, and I still go.
2) Reading more--I LOVE to read, and getting back into making time for this.
3) Treat my body better....dress nicer, drink a little less, careful with foods, etc. He made mention of this too. I do it b/c right now, anything I can do to boost ME, is good!
4) More focused on work--I LOVE what I do..not just a paycheck...it ties closely with my (and H's) values, etc...so I am getting into work and deriving pleasure, self-esteem, confidence and accomplishment. I feel more motivated at work--comes through in what I do. I try to share this with H, but lately, in this phase of detachment, I don't feel like sharing like a best friend...oddly, he's come around and shares everything...
5) Back in touch with family and friends more. I let a lot of that go with this whole mess, and slowly getting in touch with people. It still feels like a lie to put on a front, but they are special in my life and I miss them. I told H this recently.
6) Going out with friends more....or just hanging out. With people I care about and respect. Having lots of laughs. This isn't unusual for me in general, but lately with the mess, I've been less inclined to do so. In fact, one of H's comments was that I loved being with friends more than him. Not true, btu I won't stop being happy with friends.
7) I have always been (through necessity b/c of his schedule) and remain independent in my plans. I've planned things, and tell him what I'm doing (don't want to get into the secrecy he has) and let him know that he's welcome if he wishes. If he joins or not, I have a good time and enjoy sharing with him. I was always like t his, but would also get sad/frustrated that we didn't share experiences as a "couple" anymore...well, since I've put that fantasy away, it's easier.
8) Take time to really enjoy people, life, nature. Sounds silly, but I try to listen, connect, enjoy and really be free-spirited and live. I try to learn lessons from people I admire each day, share a laugh, enjoy a pretty day, say a little prayer at dawn that means so much to me "Today I will Live Well." I share this with H. It calms and centers me.
9) I take care of the house more, cleaning, bills, admin, etc. I do it happily b/c I want to....it makes life run smoother, and I know it matters to H. Also, I have more time for it now.
So, there we are. Slowly, this builds into more things I want to do, ways I want to be. In essence, I feel I'm detaching and finding myself again. Not to say that I don't think about H, still feel pain over his "secret" life or want this all to end. At least I can take pride in knowing that all that nonsense is NOT what I'll engage in...my life will NOT be a Jerry Springer show....I'd rather walk away and detach and be ME.
Small updates: * H very affectionate this weekend and throgh week again. Lots of times he tested me. * H initiated R talk (miracle). Small, I didn't push, basically he told me he saw the changes in me, saw me be patient to him, which is all he wanted. He said that he was weirded out by the new me, but saw it as sincere and different person. I told him that I snapped during our last blow, and wanted to be the person I was meant to be...no expectations, nothing. I told him I understood, when we got back together years ago, he did a MAJOR 180 in personality and it took me some time to trust it. He said he feared me snapping and not wanting to be with him or nice to him. At one point he was peeved to think that I thought I didn't make him happy---GEE...it's only that you SAID THAT TO ME weeks ago. No emotional outpouring...I was cool.
* Before H left, sudden comments about how his recent home improvement efforts were for me...it's what he always wanted to do for me. I said TY....didn't mention that it's hard for me to get attached to home projects when I feel I may leave at any time.
* He called (big) to tell me about a something that happened during his conference....
* Lately, in calls, I let him go, and he's not eager to let go. He mentioned that coming home was somewhat pleasant now, and I make him stronger lately.
* Friends invited us to an event, I said I couldn;t go, and he was sad, mopey, and asked why. I told him I had plans and he said he didn't want to go if I didn't. Well, if ya wanna be single, buddy, you better get used to it. :-)
Lots of other little things....I'm not putting too much into it all. Lately he seems introspective, sudden reaching out for affection, and comments. Not all the time though. Maybe he's processing.
For now, just continuing the same path. Some days are harder than most. But, I let myself crack here and there, alone, to release and move on with life. I still think about it a lot, but trying to do less.
Hi Always, I stumbled upon your thread and was truely inspired. (You can visit me under infidelity)
The last two weeks I have been learning how to detach and be happy once again. It is a long road but I think the best one for us to follow.
I will keep up with you and your progress and post again when I can.
P.S. I too love to read, do you like James Patterson? I just finished The Fifth Horseman - very good read. Another good book is Kill the Messenger by Tami Hoag.
Hey MamaBear! Thanks for stopping by! So nice to hear from folks...feel free to pipe in with advice as well...I sure can use it. I hear ya, detachment, lovingly, is best. Best not to do that too much though, which is where I am now...being careful not to detach too far. The best way I can see it is to look at your H as a REALLY good friend, even best friend, and that's it. No expectations of a H
It's effort each day. I just try to remember that he's feeling hurt and confused, and is taking time to comment on his feelings, observations, and I've found that he's backing off of his gaggle of FF's at work. Not all the way, but my C said that this is a time where he needs emotional outlets, and it's NOT me right now. So, don't get down on him for having friends.
Hmmm...BOOKS: Just finished reading "Brokeback Mountain" Nice short story. Now reading "The Namesake" by Jhumpa Lahiri. A really good read, inspirational, was "Riding the Bus With My Sister" by Rachel Simon.
