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Awwww, Frank. Thanks. I read your post and see such strength that inspires me. Goodness will follow you, my friend.

SE--no, didn't hurt a bit. Well, it did enough to get me to see what I did. I had a creeping feeling that sentence was the killer. I have to work on not being so blunt. It was weird...he said he was leaving, would be back later (indicating that he's going alone) and then feigns surprise that I'm not coming. WHAT??!! I was frustrated at that. BUT...I realize that it's hard for him to be honest...still trying to be the caretaker. I don't want him to be. Like I read in Frank's posts....he views me as needy, and he hates that role of constant caretaker, as I hated it when he was in his spiral.

I guess I felt I was put in a spot and it ticked me off, so the tone and bad line.

Oh well...so I slipped. I had a good recovery. And, tonight I plan to show that there are NO hard feelings...I really don't care. I thought about approaching this tonight, but I won't. That's the old me, and H is CLEARLY not able to handle ANY talk of things, no matter how rational. He's so traumatized by me. SO, I let it go, and carry on. Hopefully my good actions outweigh the decreasing number of bad.

Also, I admit, that for some reason, I was nervous when he called and that came through in voice. He is SOO good at reading my voice and I think took it for anger. Ugh.

Another lesson: try your best with good intentions from the heart, but don't obsess over the details and being perfect, because we all know, that sure as hell won't last long!

Great morning. I felt a little low last night, feelings of guilt creeping back up. Had a good cry (alone) and felt better. This is stressful, I'll have a break-down every now and then, but it's so much easier, lately, to get centered again. It's cathartic.

H came home late. I'm starting to see that he really expects nothing but misery from me. I was chipper and started joking around, and he laughed/warmed up quickly. He looked surprised when he laughed, looked me in the eye...like he thought I would be mad from earlier in the night. I asked how his night was, etc. I told him that I was proud of how he handled a work situation (he would have been paranoid and angry before) and how great it was. He was appreciative...it's hard to hear your past weaknesses, but nice to have the other person see the changes. I know it feels good for me.

Then, I told him that I was happy that he got out with friends that night...I know it pushed him back with work, but he has been working so hard lately and needed fun. I hoped he would do that more often, if it was right for him. I did NOT include myself in plans. Previously, a BIG deal for H was that I "demanded" his time and he had none for himself. I'm not pushing him, just letting him know that I'm cool with it and see the benefits it has for HIM and care about HIM. Let it go after that.

Then, i told H that I was appreciative of how hard he worked, that the last few years were hellish with financial difficulties, and there are things i no longer worry about b/c of his hard work. I said some more things to this nature. He said "Thank you so much for acknowledging that." Of course, I have before, but I guess the negative behaviors shadowed that.

It was a lot of compliments, but working hard is very central to his self-worth and needs to be appreciated for it. I didn't go overboard to kiss ass, but tried to be a friend and tell him that I was grateful, b/c he's had long weeks lately, like workign 2 jobs. Of course, he's in such a bad state in his perceptions of me so I doubt how much sinks in (he probably rolls his eyes and what I say means nothing)...but all I can do is show it, and the rest is up to him.

He was a little affectionate...asked for a backrub and kissed goodnight. He actually offered me a rub (first time in months), but I could tell he was tired so I said, no worries.

This morning he was nervous about a work thing, I was cheery and kept him moving.

I have no idea of baby steps or his progress...but i write these things down to journal for ME...I look back on these "notes" to see how I have been doing with MY behavior. I think I handled last night well. Didn't pursue but tried to be a good friend. It's something I didn't do much before. He always felt that I made him choose b/w work and me and gave him a hard time about everything. I can't change his perceptions, but I can change what I do now--and make it sincere and not in effort to get him to reconcile, etc.

HOnestly I don't feel that these are changes that are hard, forced as they were in the beginning. I have detached that I'm not bothered and see him as a friend...and I want us both to each be happy. I'm not withdrawing too much, b/c he sees that as anger, so I remain engaged and loving--also because I want to.

Basically, I have no idea how much longer we have together on our journey...a few weeks, months, 1 year, or forever. Regardless, I want stop this mess of behaviors I engaged in and be the person I wanted to be to him...to treat him well. It feels good to do the right thing, regardless of outcome.

Nice night. Hung out with good gal pals, laughed, ate and drank--what fun! H went out to have some alone time (or whomever else he might have been with, I did not ask or care).

H came home LATE. We had a snow storm here and he had gone to a town north to hang out, and got stuck in the snow, said it was horrible driving back...I told him that I hope that he takes care of himself next time and stays there. We laughed and joked...he initiated a g/n kiss and was playful. I was affectionate in a friendly way--not expectant or overbearing..just taking his lead. He mentioned having a rough time at work, and the need to get away. I understood and said I was glad he got away. Earlier in the day, before he left, I called my phone to check messages, and he picked it up (which is unusual b/c he normally doesn't want to talk to me), and he ended the conversaton with ILY.

This morning, I woke early, did house chores, let him be. He woke up and seemed really interested in talking...followed me around the house to talk, stalled on getting out of the house when he usually is bolting out the door...engaging in converstation. I went about my chores, listened and talked with him, but did not stop my day to focus soley on him. He seemed to be needy, but I didn't indulge.

Then, as he left (for work), he started really opening up about work, a meeting he had yesterday, feeling burned out, wanting time, wanting recognition, feelng blue. I listened and gave him a great pep talk. He said it helped him. He actually listened and didn't make an effort to bolt out the door. I talked to him like a good friend that I cared about and really understood, and pumped him up. Told him that I was proud of the person he became with his new duties. He kept saying thank you. Then, I let him go, told him I didn't want to waste his time (big 180 for me). I also, casually, told him that I understood that he was under a lot of stress, from work and life (meaning us) and pain, and he took all this well, I said I was sorry for my part in that, and did not want to impose that anymore. He did not say anything. I let it go and changed the subject...I didn't need a response, just to get it out there. I think it meant a lot to him that I recognized that our life has been a tremendous stress to him and he carried it well...when before he would have been a wreck and blaming me (one of his things he changed and I wanted to recognize).

Felt good to be a friend...no expectations in return.

WCW--I tried posting to your thread and can't (some glitch, maybe). But, wanted to know how you're doing...on the off change you wander to my thread.

Hey A14 - I'm around some, just not as much for the last few days. Busy at work and home, all that is going well. Just H/M/R is what sucks. My thread locked up, they reach a certain limit and then you need to start a new one. If I start a new thread it will probably be in another forum. I have a trip coming up in a few weeks but the time to leave can't get here fast enough.

JMO, you are doing great with controlling your talks. Keep doing what you're doing, with a smile.

Hi WCW..nice to hear from ya. H seems to be pulling and tugging. I'm excited for your trip! If you start a new thread, hope to find it...regardless of wanting to post M stuff, keep us posted on YOU...after all, that's who we REALLY adore.

Really nice, thought-provoking weekend. Yesterday, I had to call H at work(I avoid that) and he wasn't there....I panicked (which is less frequent these days) and assumed he was with Fcoworker. I got a little hysterical, took a drive, and then came to the conclusion that I trusted him not to do anything. And, if at this stage he had a friend he wanted private and didn't want me to pester him about, who helped him through this mess, that was OK, in fact, it was healthy for him--sounds weird, but true...I obviously don't fill a need and hurt him terribly--kinda like what we do here on the BB. Same stuff from my counselor from long ago. In the spirit of letting go, I calmed myself quickly and made peace...if it was meant to be mine, it would come back...I was determined to still stay the course of being the best me.He called me back and turns out that he was away from his office, but in the building, doing lots of things to get ready for his trip in May. So, again, I panicked for nothing, felt good to know that it would happen every once in a while, but as long as I kept it to myself, it was OK. Learning to handle my feelings and the impact my reactions will have on the M. Good lesson.

He came home earlier than I thought, we had a great time talking. He was excited about his day and seemed excited to share with me (wow), so I offered my friendship and was excited for him. No strings attached. The rest of the afternoon, he was closer/reached out in ways, telling me that I didn't need to leave the room when he was resting, etc. He planned on going out, and I encouraged. He didn't and we ended up watching movies, dinner, had fun. He actually initiated a kiss g/n after I was sleeping. Overall, he didn't seem eager to bolt out to be alone and I didn't glue myself to him either, with uncomfortable R chatter or dissapointed that my efforts in "trying" failed to get him ("what, I'm fawning over you, made dinner and you don't touch me??!! Now I will pout or ask a million questions as to what's wrong, instead of giving space")

This morning, he woke up also affectionate in little ways that he has not been since even before everything exploded--I just about cried it was so nice. We talked a lot about life, how it changed for the best, memories from the past, how lucky we were and how hard life was before. He said he was sorry for those years. I said I was too, so sad that I could not take them back. In a joking way he talked about his former coworkers hating their mean wives..I joked and asked if he said the same...he seriously answered, "no, I didn't feel that way then" He didn't make an effort to conceal my mistakes to make me feel better or to hide that he is still struggling with his personal life...he indirectly acknowledged that I was a horrible wife at times and hurt him. I didn't turn it into an R talk, say sorry or defend...I let him get that feeling out without interrupting for MY sake or agenda..it was nice and so rare for him to express his pain/anger. Also, in a way, it showed that he trusted me to handle his negative feelings, whereas before, he never talked R because of fear of my reaction. I was sad but pensive, so was he...no doubt thinking of his actions from the past as well. We didn't dwell in the negative, turned back to happy things and life talk. He initiated affection without initiating sex--before it was the only time. I wasn't chasing, jumping into him lowering the wall-just calm and let him take the lead, but showed affection in return so he would not think that his efforts were rejected...I realize that he's nervous too , after thinking for so long that I didn't love him and taking a leap of faith in reaching out.

There have been a few things from long ago, receipts, that today made me feel suspect, again. I have a nagging feeling he bought gifts for Fcoworker, and other friends, maybe expensive. I was upset (I'm still assuming, I don't know for sure), but then I was OK. I know him--he is very giving ($/gifts)to people who treat him well, appreciative, and are good to him and need/want things (I've seen him do it before--very giving nature and it means a lot to him that I respect that in him). Here was a woman and other friends (I know he gave $ to other friends at this time) that made him feel special, so he gave. It's not that he withheld anything from me at the time...in fact he gave me more gifts. All that doesn't matter--I've come to the conclusion that we're lifing out of a fog from past things we wouldn't have thought we'd have done. In our last years of M, I felt like I was in a fog. I think back to fights I instigated, ways I reacted, how I never understood or cared, and am so ashamed, can't believe I did that and could not be that way now. I also now see H sort of lifting out of a fog, of pain and his recent actions to escape from that pain. Now, the question is, do we trust that each has lifted from the fog, do we want to be with each other again, can we forget what we did when in the fog?

It was only 1 nice weekend...who knows where this will all turn yet. I'm not reading too much into things. Just taking peace in the fact that I can be as I intended towards a person I cared for deeply and who gave me their best love and intention...to remember the past for the beautiful things it was.

This weekend, I really thought of how I have grown, beyond the obvious ways in which I have changed to be a better partner. I have grown in ways I never thought necessary or possible. This situation has made me think about my love for H, the depth of it, pushed me to redefine my "conditions" of love, and to realize what, if anything, will truly extinguish love. I have come to love and respect H in deeper ways, for a strong and caring man. (In ways, I see the care he gives friends, even Fcoworker, and it's nice...he cares about people and needs care). I have faced with much pain and regret my sins of the past and harsh feelings, I owned and buried them, but stand by them still..it is a part of me. I have faced asking for forgiveness--from my H and most difficult, from myself. I have faced the true depth of forgiveness for H. I have faced letting go of something I never thought I could live without, realizing instead how lucky I was to have had it at all. I have discovered the depth of my faith, and that when the bond seems totally severed, the pull to stay is stronger than you think. I have faced that we're human, this R is full of blunders...that M is not at all the fairy tale we imagined. Yet, to rediscover love, for the sake of love (and not a R/M) and against all odds, is a miracle not found in any fairy tale.

I still remain detached but loving. May we all find the path back to our happiness.

Some screw ups last night and this morning-on my part.

Last night, had a nice time, H told me about a family crisis going on...thankfully nothing that involves me being a terrible W. I have a horrible habit of inserting my thoughts, esp. since I know the situation so well. H was agitated at the whole ordeal (family) b/c it brought up some stuff from his past. He got agitated with me and asked me to stop inserting opinion...admittedly, I was not being generous in my thoughts about his parents involvement in the situation either--this has to do with their casting me away so quickly and talking badly about me. It came out of defensiveness. I quickly calmed down, just listened and was understanding and really sad about the mess. At the end of the night, H asked what I thought and I gave it, all nice and caring. A good recovery, but still.

Then, this morning, I awoke quite cranky. H has a horrible habit when I ask something, and he doesn't feel like answering (too tired, occupied, etc) he doesn't...OK for him not to. I HATE THAT. SO RUDE. He did it a few times this morning, admittedly he was tired, but it rubbed me so the wrong way. I said a few rude and cranky things back. I quickly found my "center" again and lightened up, was cheery and the rest. He was affectionate and nice the rest of the morning. I didn't let it creep back up.

So...beating myself up a little about all of this. I just wanted to be a friend to H last night, and I instead was the slightly irritated W...but mostly a friend...he acted like it. I think I may be reading too much into my actions....but at this stage, you can't be too careful. Also, my reactions this morning were not good. But, I'm human with emotions.

A few things I realized. I was able to quickly bounce back into the great spot I've found the last few weeks...loving detachment...let go. I slipped and realized that it's OK. I let MY vulnerabilities out...let MY wall down...let some frustrations that I put aside get air-time. Not too much damage, but it's OK for me to feel that way. Feelings are good, actions as a result is where to be careful. Instead of berating myself too much for the behaviors, I thought about WHERE it came from and WHY. The conversation about his family...b/c for 6 months I've felt like the devil W to people I've treated like gold...who are shunning me. I am a little honest and harsh in my thoughs--I never said anything bad though. This morning, I guess I was a little disappointed...this weekend was a lot of reaching out by H and then he was "ignoring" me in ways that irritate me, and I guess I was being vulnerable in needing better form him, being impatient and a little sick of being rejected. Aren't we all?

BUT...this is a long ride. It was for H when I was in my fog of ill behaviors and he is lowering the wall...this is such a crucial stage to NOT get impatient, frustrated, disappointed or needy. A few bricks at a time...this too is a test for me...also teaches me to NOT need H for my happiness. If he's in a mood, that's OK, you can STILL be happy, for YOU.

I made mistakes, learned and now move on again.

Nice recovery. I am glad you were able to keep your focus. I am in the same situation were I am working on not basing my feelings on H's reaction to me.

You are farther ahead of me my H still has his wall up. It is difficult keeping myself out there and working on not being defensive. You sound so positive I will be great for about 2 days then I am a quivering mess. Any secrets to tell someone hoping to follow in your footsteps?

I would like to recommend a book I have been reading to deal with your communication issues. Couple Skills A guide to making your relationship work. The whole book is wonderful but even if you just read the chapter on comunication I think it will help you.

SH--THANK YOU for posting...so nice to hear from folks! You are too flattering...and H STILL has a lot of walls up...nowhere near down. But, brick by brick. And, who knows, maybe I'm reading things all wrong? Not for me to worry and analyze.

Thanks for the tip on the great book!