WCW--thanks for the encouragement and frank advice...both so very much needed!
You're right...brick by brick. That's the only way. Frankly, given how much damage has been done (behaviors, secret life, lying, etc), it's gonna take me a long time too...I wouldn't be happy or trustful of a quick fix either.
Sad and heavy morning. My family has been calling lots lately, my impending trip, etc. H hasn't talked to them for a while and is not coming on the trip. They don't suspect much--I think they get the gist that something is going on, but have not pried or think things are serious. I think they're just letting us work things out for us.
Last night, H felt paranoid at why my family was calling, I said not to be, they love him lots. He said it was more pressure, and I corrected him, my family NEVER gave pressure of any kind...wanted to stop his paranoia in the tracks. Not in the mood for it, frankly. I quickly changed the subject to something nice, which was a 180 for me. He had called to "take a break" from work and talked for a while...which is a first. I let him go first, not blabbing on and on.
Then, this morning, I mentioned that i needed to book tix, call accountant, my brother called. He asked about the accountant (for a man who isn't in love and ready to walk away, he is freaked at any mention of accountant that I'm getting ready to leave)..the accountant is for OUR taxes and I told him.
H was quiet all morning and I sensed very mad/sad. I asked what, did not pry. I then said if I had done anything, I apologize, I tried to cheer him up with jokes, silliness. He said it wasn't me, he was just blue. I said that's OK.
Then, he opened up and said it was that he felt like a bad son to my parents (OK, I haven't talked to yours for nearly 6 months) and felt regretful and sad. Her's the conversation:
M: Don't feel sad, this is a situation and decision b/w us, no one else. My parents are not mad, they love you very much. They respect that we're taking this time for us. It's our life now, to decide.
H: I know, but I still feel sad. So much I regret. I can't feel happy now....I usually am good about focusing on just us.
M: No matter what we decide, our parents will love us...yours will love me and do, and mine will love you. No worries. You don't have to cheer up, you can have a low day.
H: I hope that I was as supportive to you when it came to my parents as you are to me.
M: You think I'm supportive now?
H: Yes, I was so low this morning and you made the morning nice, you made me feel better. You not getting angry with me and understanding means the world to me.
M: That's nice, I didn't think I could ever make you feel that way again. Yes, you are very supportive. Let's not be sad. We made mistakes, we've changed. That's life. I feel like I woke up last week from a bad dream, to so much regret at being a person I never was to you. I'm sorry. I was also good to you, and I want to be that person again, for me. I also see you trying. You are going through a lot now, and are so strong, I respect that and see that you've changed too. We never meant to be bad to each other--somewhere along the way we fell off the track.. You're a good H to me. Whatever happens, I'm happy to have had you in my life.
H: came to hug and cried. Thanks for being supportive.
M: Life is good to us. Let's have a strong day. It means a lot to me that you go into the week strong. We have nothing to be sad about now. It's all out. Whatever happens, we're gonna make it through.
H left. It seemed that H wanted me to talk. I kept it neutral. He asked a lot of what I meant, and told me that he just felt sad and regretful. I think it was good for him to feel weak, for me to be strong for him, to not fall apart or get angry at him. I see the benefit of my latest changes and attitude. It was shocking to see what he thought my reaction would be and that he's still testing me and his trust in me. It was nice to see him say he needed me and take comfort.
I don't read too much into the morning. Things still are the same. We just had an outlet, and I was happy at how I handled myself. Those were things he needed to hear. Calmly, no emotions. Just loving. I kept it short and let him go without turning it into an R talk. For once, he was the one that kept the R converstation going. It was nice to let him know that he could feel any way he wanted. It was OK.
Well, just plugging along. I still feel strong and good.
I just remembered that H has a guest coming to town tomorrow night, he mentioned it to me when I asked last week and hasn't spoken of it since.
Normally, I would shop, do light cleaning, prepare for dinner, but he said don't worry, I'll take them out. But, since he has not said anything, should I go ahead and do the other things (clean, get ready). I know that H would rather die than tell me to do something (he's always been that way), but can resent when I don't help and he's super busy these days.
I don't want to shove myself on his plans and want to give him space...yet, it's my home too, and I feel uncomfortable hosting without doing anything. I know H has a busy day tomorrow.
I'll see if he tells me tonight, and then I'll volunteer for the bare minimum. The rest is up to him. I would love to be my normal self (hostess with the mostest), but don't want to go overboard with helping as to infringe on his space.
Ugh...why are silly things so freaking complicated?
I'm having obscene, insane, illegal amounts of fun
Really, too much for 1 person to hog...anyone want to share? No...wouldn't want to do that to ANYONE.
Yeah, we'll see how tonight pans out. H will not ask for help partly from stubborness and partly because he's still testing and not wanting to go overboard himself. In the end, it's a guest in OUR home (which means MINE too) and I would rather put our differences aside to make sure they are comfortable. I might state it just like that, in a kinder and less direct way, of course!
Hmmm, H came home VERY late, again, and I couldn't sleep through the night. Felt so low. I had these dreams where I was the one being rejected (as I am now) for so long that I just fell out of love and met someone who desired me and cared. I felt so giddy and in love. H snapped out of it and wanted US again, but I was not in love anymore. I couldn't find a way back to him....like it was dead.
I woke up to the sad reality that for the first time, I truly felt what H is feeling through my dream, only I'm on the other side. He felt so rejected for so long, that he no longer wants it, needs it. He is out of love. Does it ever come back? Is it easier to just move on without and meet someone new than to face the baggage? In the dream I felt anger, frustration, being fed up, doubting whether H changed, why did he reject for so long and suddenly want this, why did it have to get to this for him to want me again? Though this is a dream, I clearly saw what H is feeling. He is frustrated at me trying now, after so long of rejecting. He is fed up with anything small that shows him that I might not have changed. He doubts if I'm doing this for the right reasons. He's angry at receiving something that he had to sacrafice his happiness to get. He's having trouble trusting and forgetting the past, and remembering any good of me and us. He has NO excitment, desire to come home to me, or be with me. That is the saddest. He would rather be anywhere else, doing anything else. He's very much over me.
So, I had a reality check this morning--can this really work out? Do people really come back? All this time, I thought YES, b/c in our own history, H and I have come back together several times. I believe in that love. But, is this time the last? I've been focusing on me, not counting baby steps and letting go, and it's worked. But, coming home late almost every night, I'm not stupid. I know he still is in touch with friends. How long can I do this? Is he trying, or just biding time until I can't take it anymore.
Lots of doubts today for myself. We had a nice morning, I had to center myself again to feeling unchained by insecurity, fear, etc. Now I'm battling doubt. Last night I opened the door a crack and allowed myself to feel the rejection, the indifference and total lack of desire from my H. I realized that for 2 short weeks, I covered that up pretty well. I also realized that H did the same during our M and he's facing it now. Maybe he's right....after the dust settles, we have to face that something is dead.
OK--that felt good to vent my negative fears. Who knows how much truth lies in my doubts. In any event, I have to get centered again, for myself. I cannot go through sleepless nights, unfocused days. I have to keep that up for me, I felt great the last 2 weeks. I'm lucky to have H come home each night, and he's a LOT more relaxed. Don't think of the outcome...come what may.
My progress in the last 2 weeks: * No R talk--even yesterday when the door was wide open. * No frustrations at slow progress, at H for not talking or not doing other things I expected. No projection of disappointment * No hard days where I'm crying, sad, quiet * No asking about his parents except in a friendly way * No asking about his hours, except in friendly way * No snooping * No thinking of H's whereabouts and spiraling * Smiling, upbeat, calm, caring and friendly tone * Supportive of stuff he's going through...listen, talk, etc * No backsliding when I sense him need space or have a moody day--not being pulled by his moods...still nice to him. * No overbearing affection, doing things for him, love, etc. Not pursuing with this. Letting him take what he wants and backing off. * I'm really happy to see him and be with him, but happy to let him have his space.
For me: * Feeling strong each day * Focusing on positive each day--life is good * Focusing on seeing H in a positive light each day * Learning, trying to forgive myself * Knowing that I screwed up, but tihs is not the person I was or meant to be...I was meant to be better and will be. * Faith that things will work out for the best * Believing that I deserve and want better--loving myself enough to want more in a M, but patient to wait through the rough tides. * Focusing back on my life....work, family, friends, etc. Without putting things on hold for H to come around. Having faith that will work itself out and I need to go about life for myself. * Better care of health.
Tough night for you, I feel for you. Can I just do a copy and paste of your post and put it over on my own ride? Honest, what you wrote is so true for me as well. You're just way behind where I have been, and I probably still am some days.
Remember the story about the couple that was married for a real long time, and someone asked them how they did it? The answer - they never fell out of love at the same time. Isn't that beautiful?
In reality though, are you at all preparing yourself for if you can't find a way back to each other? It's all a juggling show - I try to GAL and make strides to find the person I was happy being, I try to piece into place how I will continue on without H and still not jeopardize the chance that we will find our way back to each other, and I do try to remain open and see what may be steps leading back to something real. The last part is what gets harder and harder as we drift along without a direction.
Hang in there, A14. You've got a long ways to go yet.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Thanks, WCW. Yes, tough night. Really, the root of my doubt is impatience and not seeing the little things before me...because I've been so focused on not counting and letting go. I think now I need to let go, but still take solace and energy in the small things with H. I really do love spending time with him, and respect him a lot, no expectations and leaving it at that.
If I were to count over the 2 weeks, the positives--to take solace, not to measure progress (now that I'm letting myself): * H actually talks on the phone with me like a friend, not eager to hang up. When I mention that I'm sorry to disturb, he tells me no worries, and keeps the converstation going. * He makes attempts to be affectionate at night and some mornings--I try not to go overboard in snatching this, but I should be more enthused b/c I see that he is testing me as much as I am giving him space. He sees warmth from me as not being angry, which he is in default mode for always expecting. * Good mornings and evenings. Happy talk, laughs, etc. Silences and space in the same house are not uncomfortable (at least not for me). I feel that I'm not trying to be perfect. * Still talks of future things--finances, home revamp, etc. * Several times he brought up things that he is aware that I have changed and he is glad for it (that I can hear him vent without thinking of the past, that I am supportive and calm during this hellish work phase, that I am not angry when he's down--mentioned that it meant a lot to him that I was supportive). * In small ways, I see him trying. He calls, he tries to tell me what he's doing...he tries to stay away from behaviors that were detrimental to our M before (his anger, misery, etc). * Still emotional--cries, etc. I hate to see him sad, but I guess the fact that I still evoke some emotion from him is good?
Deep down inside, I'm happy to have had his love. They were some of the most beautiful years of my life. I know that he cannot love anyone more than he loved me, and in ways, still does. He made it a point to tell me this, was angry that I didn't understand that he cared for me most and gave me the best of his heart. I know it sounds corny, but it was nice. The same goes for me.
Funny, even though I have down moments, doubts, impatience, I still cannot imagine this not coming back together. I know I fell off the track, but I also know what he needs, and know that I am the person to give it to him, I have before. Vice versa. I want to get back to being me, and remembering those happy times when he was my best friend and I cherished being with him, in whatever capacity....through all of this the past 2 weeks, this has been my predominant thought of H.
Though I know that life isn't always fair--I still feel that things add up. In our past Rs, there was a time that H totally changed, and came back to me as a person ready to be a wonderful H, and he was. I accepted and loved this. Then, over the last few years, he fell into a pit of misery and anger over life, and this past year, he came out of that again, and has changed to become more stable. I trust that now and see it. I guess I'm just hoping for the same insight and understanding.
