Step up and confront him. You aren't doing either of you any favors by not doing that. If he's pulling away when you do that and you back down...that's a behavior that's working for him.
I know what it feels like to not be ready to go head-to-head, but ask yourself this....how long are you willing to let this go? I guarantee, he's going to out wait you.
I installed that software you told me about. I did it because I thought for sure there would be nothing to see and I could check "porn" off my checklist of things he's doing besides me.
I checked it this morning while he was in the shower. He had spent well over 3 hours last night and an hour this morning, before I got up, on porn sites. I saw the sites he searched for, sites he typed in (because he frequents?), and things that make me sick to think about. I have not found anything that suggests he was chatting or communticating with anyone, yet. But at this point I would not be surprised if it didn't pop up somewhere.
I tell ya, it was really hard to keep my cool this morning and get out of the house with out freaking out on him.
I don't know what to do. I feel numb. How could he be doing this to me? I am lying in bed, alone and crying, becuase I want him next to me and he stays up to look at porn? I don't know how to even deal with this. I don't want to confront him right away because I want more evidence to bust him with.
And then there is this part of me that feels guilty for spying on him. Why do I feel guilty and scared to confront him on this? I am afraid that he's going to get mad at me for snooping. I am so stupid for falling for his, "I just don't have a real desire or need for sex" excuses. What a total lie.
This sucks GEL...it hurts bad. I don't even know if I can look at him the same again. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't feel very much love for him at this moment...this is going to be hard to work past. Gel, I dont' know how you can be so strong.
The plan that I have in my head is that I am going to let him go thru the weekend. I want to see how much of this is going on. I want to get more evidence so he can't say it was a once and done thing.
More later, Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
I'm so sorry that you are hurting right now. I know you feel guilty for "spying" on him, but try to keep your guilt in perspective....if he wasn't giving you reason to be suspicious and was being up front with you, in short....not lying to you, you wouldn't have had to do this. You deserve to know the truth, if he won't tell it to you then you have to find out what it is on your own so you have the knowledge to deal with the issues at hand.
I can only imagine how hard it was for you to keep your cool this morning...I'm not so sure I could have done the same, see I'm not that strong. I can guarantee you though, if he is chatting, or e-mailing anyone off of that computer....that software will tell you, you will be able to read it all.
I'm glad for you though that so far you haven't found that he actually has an account somewhere; I'm praying for you that you don't find that he does have one because that adds a whole new level of pain. Right now....as far as you know he's just looking. What that tells me though is that he does have this "fantasy" in his head, he may be thinking that fantasy will disgust you. I truly believe my H thought/thinks that what he wanted or what turned him on would really disgust/repel me.....when really it's what I wanted all along too. Even though I was telling him this for years....he still didn't believe me.
Don't despair here Nicky, this doesn't mean your H doesn't love you. It does mean though that there's some BIG stuff to address and work though. I don't know if you downloaded just the free software demo or if you downloaded the full version or not....but the full version will allow you to capture screen shots at intervals, and have the log e-mailed to you at work (that's what I'm doing for peace of mind while we're apart) as well. That just might come in handy for you when you do confront him.
I found that when I confronted my H with a handful of about 20 pgs of proof....he didn't try to squirm out of the truth, it was so obvious I knew what he had been doing. I also printed out the keystroker log (minus the part where my login showed up)....so he could see exactly what I was able to see.
FWIW....I think you are wise to try to wait for a few days to gather more info. IMPO, a few days will show you that he is either simply viewing this stuff....or that there is more.
Nicky....if you want to please feel free to e-mail me at anitam@nordam.com to talk about this. I'll support you in any way I can....as will the good folks here.
Knicky, I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this too.
RE GEL FWIW....I think you are wise to try to wait for a few days to gather more info. IMPO, a few days will show you that he is either simply viewing this stuff....or that there is more.
I was going to suggest something like this too to GEL but thought I better but-out of her problems. I can imagine it is difficult and emotionally draining to wait and continue monitoring your H w/o saying anything but from my POV, the longer you can monitor his on-line activities and not let him know how you are doing it, the more truth you will have to work with.
In the mean-time how about asking him a couple of hypothetical questions like "why would a guy look at pictures if the real thing was available." You know what he was looking at and could counter his stinking-thinking answers with things you believe you want.
I am not into fixing guys that have the "real thing" but would rather have a picture. I can only guess about a few things why he would.
My W (LD) asked me why I don't have a swimsuit calendar in my shop. I said pictures are nice but give me the real thing anyday and gave her a wink. Maybe she is a littler HD than she makes out to be or is she in some mental state that reeks of "men just want a hot body to look at." I don't know.
feel guilty for "spying" Do you feel guilty about spying or hurt because you trusted him and found out he was doing something that broke your trust.
I think in some way, most good people want someone they can trust alomost 100% and finding out our trust was a false hope, at the time causes us to lose something inside that tells us we should not spy (in this case find out what is true). Maybe it is something like losing a fairytale belief.
Again, sorry about what you discovered. I can say what you and GEL post will help other women and men in their relationships.
Lou, thanks for your kind words. You guys are the only thing that gets me through days like this.
Quote: I can imagine it is difficult and emotionally draining to wait and continue monitoring your H w/o saying anything but from my POV, the longer you can monitor his on-line activities and not let him know how you are doing it, the more truth you will have to work with.
It is hard to even look him in the face, but I agree that it is the best thing to wait it out and watch what he’s doing for a couple of days. I want to be sure that there isn’t anything worse floating out there that didn’t come up in last nights activities.
Quote: In the mean-time how about asking him a couple of hypothetical questions like "why would a guy look at pictures if the real thing was available." You know what he was looking at and could counter his stinking-thinking answers with things you believe you want.
Good idea. I will try to bring this up over the next couple of days. I have a friend who is going thru this too with her H and could make it sound like I am talking about them.
Quote: I am not into fixing guys that have the "real thing" but would rather have a picture. I can only guess about a few things why he would.
Any additional thoughts on this are welcomed…I don’t understand this at all. The only things I have been able to come up with are what GEL said, he has fantasies he’s afraid to share with me, or perhaps the Madonna/whore complex. Who knows. This will keep my therapist in business for a LONG time. Ha ha ha.
Quote: Do you feel guilty about spying or hurt because you trusted him and found out he was doing something that broke your trust.
Both.
Quote: I think in some way, most good people want someone they can trust alomost 100% and finding out our trust was a false hope, at the time causes us to lose something inside that tells us we should not spy (in this case find out what is true).
Yes, there have been trust issues in the past. I really should not have been so naïve. Over the summer I had found some pictures he was “hiding”. They were of my closest girlfriends at a bachlorette party. A couple of them were provocative, girls having a bit of raunchy fun. I confronted him about them and told him that having those pictures crossed the line. It made me feel absolutely horrible knowing he was lurking at my closest friends like that. I couldn’t even turn to them because I was so afraid of what they would think.
I know this has probably been going on for a long time. I have just been too scared to find out the truth.
Thank you Lou, I appreciate your feedback.
Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
RE Nicky I think is a pretty interesting statement Lou. H and I have severe issues with this.
Nicky, some of your issues are/were also issues in my M.
I snored so BB left the M bed and set up her bed in another room for 5 years. During that time I felt lost and alone a lot. To self-sooth I stayed up later and later, 3AM many times. I don’t know which came first in your M, your H feeling something or staying up late.
About a year and a half ago I got the snoring problems mostly solved and now use a CPAP and mask. In my mind, yuck to look at but we are in the same bedroom after many back and forth about territory, things in the room, radio on all night, etc.
I still have trouble going to bed when BB does. Why? Old issues, her LD, the radio, my computer usage, generally old baggage.
What have I done to correct this? Some times I go to bed with BB, sometimes I stay up, sometimes I give BB lots of attention and get little in return. Like Chrom's situation, the pot is still cooking. Wisdom that you can use? The pot is still cooking.
Just wanted to let you know from a my point how it "might" feel to your H. Your situation is different and I don't want you to think I have the answers. You might say him being in bed with you is comforting to you.
In my computer time did I look at pictures, yes. Never paid for anything. Never contacted anyone because of a picture. Did I want to? Maybe for a few moments but I know enough about relationships to know that does not work. About Your H contacting someone and how you would feel if he did? I guess you will have to cross that bridge "IF" it happens.
I will say I learned a few things as I had a somewhat sheltered sexual life and never was daring enough in my younger years to find out what people were doing much past the common missionary position. I also look at and read many, many web sites about relationships to try to figure out what I might do to improve our R.
What is your H doing? I don’t know. All I can comment on is why I did what I did and why did BB do to contribute to me doing it.
I could write more but it might be TMI, not useful for you, and I don’t want this post to be about what I needed or about me, but to just say the relationship journey is still an unwritten book.
I have another service call. If you want any more information/ what if/ could it be, just ask.
Just my view, but I think that a lot of (seemingly) LD men use porn extensively. (or maybe it's just that men, in general, use porn extensively).
Think about it from their point of view. It's easy, thanks to the internet. It's (often) free. And it's no strings attached.
There's no sticky emotional attachment, no one to confront them with a performance evaluation (however nicely done), no concerns about their "partner" being unsatisfied.
I had absolutely no idea how much porn X used, until he accidently downloaded literally 100s of pics onto my laptop. Wow.
And obviously, there's a serious problem when porn becomes a substitute for the real thing. But I can see why it happens. And why it's so difficult to change.
Also, just wondering....(though maybe this has been addressed before) do HD men find themselves more drawn to porn as a substitute for not only an unavailable W, but also a more acceptable substitute for an affair?
Is the keystrokecounter not detectable by anti spyware programs just wondering because a recent scan on my computer had said one had been installed and I opted to block it out? And of course no one seems to know how it got there lol
Quote: I will say I learned a few things as I had a somewhat sheltered sexual life and never was daring enough in my younger years to find out what people were doing much past the common missionary position. I also look at and read many, many web sites about relationships to try to figure out what I might do to improve our R.
I would love for this to be the answer as to why he is doing it. One can hope. I am afraid to have false hopes. If I did find something else out, like what GEL found, I would totally loose it. I have been able to keep cool because I am a human being, and yes I know guys look at porn. In a health relationship I see little wrong with it.
However, in my sitch, I don’t think it’s an acceptable behavior for my H to have. He claims to be “working on our M”, but yet the only thing I am asking of him, he is still being deceitful about.
Quote: I could write more but it might be TMI, not useful for you, and I don’t want this post to be about what I needed or about me, but to just say the relationship journey is still an unwritten book.
You are welcome to write as much as you feel comfortable. Your posts speak of maturity and experience and are comforting. I will take on the attitude that the “pot is still cooking”. I do want this M to work, but I am more sure now that I must be more cautious and protect myself from further hurting.
Thanks Lou, Nicky
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
please e-mail me at anitam@nordam.com and I'll be happy to explain. Just in case hubby is on here (or other people who would use that info against their spouse) at any time....I don't want to explain how to get around it here
Maybe she is a littler HD than she makes out to be or is she in some mental state that reeks of "men just want a hot body to look at." I don't know.