Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy my infidelity and the aftermath

I am really floundering in my guilt, pain, and sadness for my awful decision. I am also hurting horribly for the pain and damage I have caused to my W and our marriage.

I really need some guidance and reassurance that time and space is what she needs right now. Please chime in with your thoughts and guidance. I need support more than I can say. And yes, DB is in the mail to me.

Tom,

Your anguish right now is normal and will ultimately be beneficial. I know that it doesn't seem that way right now, but your pain is changing you into a better person. Use this time to find other ways to work on yourself.

From your references to prayer, I assume that you are a religious person. Have you consulted your religious leader for guidance? As a Christian, I believe that Christ forgives our sins when we repent, as you clearly are doing.

Your W definitely needs time and space right now, but that doesn't mean that you can't find ways to show her how much you love her. Taking care of financial things, loving your children, and responding quickly to any requests of hers are the primary things right now.

Tom...

I made the decision within 24 hours that I loved my husband and that I was willing to let him try to redeem himself and take us back to some semblance of the way we were. I initially told him that I wanted a divorce but backed down within minutes when I realized, despite what he had down, that I have always and still do, love him with ever bit of my being. Love isn't a faucet that you can shut off just because you want too. Hate and Anger are extensions of love because the absence of love is the absence of feeling for a person, and that is inclusive of hate and anger. In other words, if I didn't love my husband, I wouldn't feel anger or hatred, I'd probably feel relief.

I would think that would apply to your wife. AND apply to your feelngs for what you've done. If you didn't love your wife, you wouldn't feel the way you do. Oh, you might feel some passing regret that you hurt another human, but not the extent of the guilt and pain that you are expressing.

Take me as your example and TELL HER that you are aware you've created the questions and the doubt, and that you are willing to do whatever it is that SHE wants you to do in order to make things right. AND DO THEM.

From my little corner of the world that would mean an honest assessment of who, what, where, when, why and how so that no further questions were left. But, you probably know your wife better than me (despite the similiar situation), but me... I know that I can't possibly hurt anymore than I hurt right at this moment, and I'd rather get the entire thing NOW rather than think I'm on the road to recovery and find out new crap a year from now.

Perhaps some of the more seasoned posters have been in my position as the cheater. I would greatly appreciate your input/adivice on how you proceeded to attempt to reconcile your relationship and make amends for your wrong.

I am frantically searching for guidance to help me in my/our situation that I have caused. Thanks

Tom, read the threads of AmyC, heatherg, and PArob (you will have to read through his to find the parts where he talks about his A). Maybe even post a comment or two on their threads. They have been there and reading what they are going through may help you.

GH

My WAS story

To make it easier Tom, here is a link to my story from the other side.

Right now, your W is going through a whole range of emotions and you MUST be willing to deal with the issues head on. Right now, you cannot say "I'm sorry" enough or stop giving any reassurances. It appears from your posts that you are truly sorry for your actions. Now make sure your W knows that.

Good luck and I will try to keep up with your sitch.

My W was driving back home today with our children after 5 days of being away and told me that we need to figure out how we are going to divvy up our childrens' time between the 2 of us. Although her thoughts and feelings were NOT unexpected, they still cut like a knife. She cut the conversation short and told me that she would call me later to discuss the sitch.

When we spoke later regarding who gets which days with our children, she told me that we will NOT be reconciling from my mistake. She told me she is no longer wearing her wedding ring and she says she does not consider herself married anymore. She also told me that my expressing my apology, my love for her and our family, and my hope for reconciliation only made her feel worse. She did, however, tell me she loves me probably more than anyone else in my life but she does not want to be married to me anymore.

In my own twisted way, her telling me that she loves me that much gives me hope despite her assertion that we are through. My mother told me that my W would go through a whole range of emotions and would say awful things. She also said get ready and be strong. Well, those times are here, ugh.

I told my W that she has made her feelings and belief about our future, or lack thereof, VERY clear. I only told her that I am NOT there with her. I asked her to do me a favor and think about a few questions over the next few days/weeks:
1. Have we done EVERYTHING we can do to reconcile, make this horrible sitch right and make our marriage work?
2. Have we exhausted ALL other options before deciding that D was the ONLY option?
Of course she wanted to answer those questions right then because her hurt and anger are so raw and near the surface.

I told her that my truth is that I AM sorry and feel horrible for what I have done, that I love her, and that I believe we can and will reconcile and make our marriage stronger, more loving and more caring than it has ever been.

I think she thinks I am nuts and in denial. I am not. I am just NOT done fighting the good fight yet. It ain't over til it's over.

I could really use all of your support, positive thoughts, and prayers to mend me, my W, and my marriage. I have ordered several books (incluidng DB and DR) and will pour through them when they finally arrive. In the meantime, I need your support to build my strength and resolve to do what it takes to make positive obvious changes in me, to reconcile my M, make amends to my W, and to strive to make my M better than it has ever been.

Again, any thoughts, direction, encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

Quote:

---

1. Have we done EVERYTHING we can do to reconcile, make this horrible sitch right and make our marriage work?
2. Have we exhausted ALL other options before deciding that D was the ONLY option?
Of course she wanted to answer those questions right then because her hurt and anger are so raw and near the surface.

---

Tom,

Take this with a grain of salt...
Not to sound cold, but I can answer those two questions for her.

1) WE don't need to do anything. YOU already did enough and now I will do what I need to do to make this pain go away, which right now is to make YOU go away.

2) Again, YOU exhausted all our options when you optioned out of our M. YOU made that choice already so why is there anything else to consider.

I did not do this to be mean, just to point out that from your W's perspective, this kind of logic may have NO place to take hold. She may see it as just the latest attempt by you to "quick fix" your way out of this.
I don't blame you for putting those two, similar questions to her, but I think it will be a little while yet before she is ready to consider anything like that from you. The process itself will give her some time, and maybe in time she will begin to understand that what you did was NOT necessarily the end of your marriage.
Right now your W is hurt beyond words and thinking that she will be open to considering throwing herself back into the fire for more of the same is probably not realistic.
Like Rob said, you still need to keep saying you're sorry. You need to be consistent in your remorse. When you start your reading I think you will come back here and post a whole new understanding of not only yourself, but where your W is and things will be a little more clear to you.
Keep the faith.

GH

GH brought up some very valid thoughts for you to think about. Your W is going to run the gamut of emotions until she works through everything, IF she ever does. There is no guarantee. Some people would rather just walk away from a sitch like this than stay and fight the good fight. She may forgive you and decide to stay and work on the M and she may decide that she wants nothing further to do with you.

She really needs her space to feel and work things through. She loves you but the pain is so intense that she cannot see past it. The man she loved and gave herself to has let her down beyond belief. Only time can heal wounds. Begging, pleading for mercy may sometimes work in a sitch like this when sincere but if her head is somewhere else nothing you can say/do will matter. Time and distance bring reflection to both partners. She may find in time if you are consistent in your changes and facing your own issues as to why you strayed away from the M, she may begin to feel that perhaps she can be safe with her heart again.

I read through your thread and maybe you have posted elsewhere but I wasn’t able to get down to the jest of the A. Why? What do you feel that was lacking in your M that caused you to stray? You’ve got some stuff you need to work through also, just as your W does.

GH, thanks for bringing me back to the reality of the situation. You made complete sense with what you said her answers probably are at this point. I see your point that this is most likely viewed as my "quick fix" for the disaster that I have created.

I will continue apologizing for my mistake and the hurt I have caused and I wll continue being consistent in my remorse.

QUESTION THOUGH: it bothers her when I express my feelings of loving her and hoping for reconciliation. Should I stop expressing my love for her and my hope of reconciliation and forgiveness and just continue SHOWING her how I feel and showing her that I am making obvious positive changes in my live to be a better person, father, and (hopefully) husband?

Your thoughts are greatly appreciated.