NYS, keep in mind that not every straying spouse has the affair because the marriage was bad.
Yes that's true, yet I didn't say that this was the case with every straying spouse. I wrote that it was "very common". When I hear an innocent partner state, "I thought everything was fine", that sends a flag to me that it may very well be this common situation. Typically, the soon-to-be straying spouse has long given up on the relationship, unbeknownst to their partner. Their partner, not hearing complaints, nagging, whining, demands, etc., mistakenly thinks their spouse is content. When the bomb drops, the innocent partner is totally bewildered, not having seen it coming at all.
some do it for the prestige of having a younger or more attractive companion, etc. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok, in this case, which seems like my W's case, how do we combat this? I can't become younger or more attractive. I can get in better shape, but once that's done, and it is, then what? If she wants the younger, bigger, better looking guy, then am I just stuck hoping he turns out to be a total a-hole?
If the cause of the infidelity was because the innocent partner got out of shape and became physically unattractive (which then leads to any number of other disappointments in the relationship), then getting back into shape can bring the attractiveness back. Our society labels such a thing as being shallow or superficial, but the truth is that physical attractiveness in a partner is a human need, and to battle needs on a philosophical level denies their importance and reality. We wouldn't argue against other physical or topical traits, such as poor hygiene, being unkempt or boorish manners. All these things can also have a negative impact on the sexual life of the couple as well, as it can diminish desire.
There will always be others who are more attractive in any manner of ways, we are not in competition with them. What you can do with it is determine what it is that influences the WAS, or rather, how the WAS may influence you, rather than you being polarized and digging one's toes into the sand, for in a relationship, the partners help each other to develop those aspects that are underdeveloped in each other.
You can lose weight if you're obese. You can dress nicer if you're a slob. You can bathe more often if you stink of body odor. You can welcome some new agreeable sexual behaviors into the bedroom if sex had become routine or not satisfying. You can expand your horizons in other interests if you became a one-trick pony or a couch potato. You can cultivate better manners, better habits. All these things must be about development of self, not about competing with any OP.
Hope- A lot of advice has been given to you since my last post. I won't even try to give any, as i don't think i could be as wise as everybody else.
but still...things from our home and our life, to set up with someone else.
I totally understand how you feel. This thought plagues me every day. I know that i can't do anything about it. But, nevertheless, i don't like thinking that ow could be getting things that me and my H purchased together, for us. We are splitting things, but i am angry over the thought of her getting to enjoy the new tv and new furniture that we bought for us. I insisted on taking the dining room set, basically b/c i refused to let her eat off of my table. We bought it on our honeymoon...i'll be damned if she would have it...even if i had to sell it, no way would she have it. I understand how upsetting it is to imagine this. Everybody keeps asking me where my H will live...i haven't asked him. My thing is, what difference does it make? And if he does move in with ow, is he going to tell me that's what he is planning...no, so why give him the opportunity to lie. The whole thing just sucks!
Regarding you feeling like you need to know the whole truth of what happened b/w your H and ow: i agree with everyone else...will he really tell you the whole truth? And what will those details do for you? I understand the desire to know, but i think in the long run, it will only end of up hurting you more. Just my opinion.
I think you should let your H be the one to contact you to discuss things. If you really do want to get out of limbo, and feel that mediation could be the way to go, then you could look for the mediator and make the appointment and then just let him know when it is. Just because you see a mediator doesn't mean you actually have to do anything legal. But, it will give you the opportunity to discuss your options, with an informed party present. Just a suggestion.
I wanted to thank everyone for their insight; no hijack apologies necessary.
I'm just such a wreck. I honestly believe that God looks out for me and schedules these worsening moments for me right when I have time off to handle them.
I had a long phone conversation w/H. last night. Basically, he now says that his R. with o.w. is not making him happy. That since circumstances have changed (she's not pregnant), he decided after thinking long and hard, that he does not really want to live with her. And guess what else he said? He is not in love with anybody right now. Not me; not her. He said his R. with o.w. has a lot of problems but they haven't really taken the steps to end it yet. However, he knows it was built on mistrust and it isn't making him happy at all.
Now he wants to find someone new; a fresh start. He told me he wants to find someone that likes all the same things he does; shares all the same hobbies (like biking, running). He wants someone "better for him" as he put it. He told me o.w. isn't really cutting it, either. We did get into a R. about us, about how difficult it is for me, being rejected by him, and of course he kept insisting that it isn't me, it's his problem. He told me there are a lot of good people out there, and it might do me good to meet someone, even "be" with someone else (yes, he meant sleep with someone else).
He told me that he was very uncomfortable in our house; that he did not feel like it was home to him anymore. He wants to take some more of his things over to where he's living (and I believe where he plans to stay for a while). More of "I'm not coming back" although I said nothing to prompt it; I was just letting him talk. We tried to talk about what we would do from here. Mediation was brought up, and I found out H. has seen a lawyer. Of course he failed to tell her that he commited adultery and just made it sound like he moved out several months ago. When talking about the financial aspects of this he got very upset, angry even, and was acting fairly childish. I told him that I understood he is upset with himself for putting me in this position but I did not need for him to be yelling at me right now; what I needed was for us to be friends. Well, that seemed to quiet him down. I think he's worried about protecting himself financially and so he's lashing out in anger at me because of what he's gotten himself into.
Before he left today he had stopped yelling at me to go hire an attorney and instead said that we could try mediation, and that we would need to sit down and talk about what each of us wanted, etc. He wanted to do this tomorrow but I said no; I felt that he was still too angry and we needed a few days. I am also going to visit my family for a little bit, just to get out of here because I need to. So, as he was leaving he said to call him if I needed anything, and that was it.
Of course I've been crying most of the day. I did go out for a little while, but I came home and started going through the attic, trying to figure out how in the heck I am going to keep half the stuff I have up there when I now have to get an apt.
I can't believe this is even happening to my life sometimes. I see that H. is not good for me like this. It's just hard to believe I mean so little to him.
He is angry and mean because he's upset with himself. I do know this. I didn't ask for this to happen and I don't want it to happen, but I won't stop him from proceeding if he really wants to mediate now. He wants to put the house up for sale soon. I can be here through July, and we did agree upon that.
It will be so hard to say goodbye to my life as I know it. I have a lot I have to leave behind and change. It's so much easier for H. because he doesn't have to quit his jobs or move. I have so much to tackle, and all without his help anymore.
Please think of me and if you are the praying type, please keep me in prayer right now. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders tonight. It would help if I didn't love H. anymore, but I do, and that is only making it worse.
Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Basically, he now says that his R. with o.w. is not making him happy. That since circumstances have changed (she's not pregnant), he decided after thinking long and hard, that he does not really want to live with her... it isn't making him happy at all.
Now he wants to find someone new; a fresh start. He told me he wants to find someone that likes all the same things he does; shares all the same hobbies (like biking, running). He wants someone "better for him" as he put it.
And so he still thinks his happiness will come from someone else.
And when he finds someone that likes what he likes, he'll find that similar interests still won't be enough. Poor guy.
This is good, though, Hope. His relationship with the OW was taken out of their fantasy arrangement that he had while living with you, and made real since he left. And he found it didn't work as he thought it would.
Still searching outside of himself, he now seeks another person. He'll have more realizations as that doesn't pan out to meet his expectations.
But that's his journey, not yours.
He is not in love with anybody right now. Not me; not her.
And dare I say, also not himself.
And he can't really love anyone until he can first do that.
Spend time with your family, have a good time with them, and do some good things with yourself, and mourn your loss. Don't grieve too much, like you would with a loved one's death, but grieve accordingly as befits the breakup of a relationship, not excessively, lest your grief serve to give you more grief.
My heart goes out to you right now. You need to see a lawyer right now to get a good picture of what the likely outcome of a contested divorce would be. Mediation may or may not be to your benefit and you shouldn't agree to it without knowing where you're likely to end up the other way.
I pray that you will soon heal from the hurt and embrace the opportunity of a fresh start. I know that true happiness is out there somewhere, Hope. You don't need H (or any other man) to be happy, because true happiness comes from within.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Hope- I really can't offer you any wise words, as i am in my own turmoil tonight. Just know that i am thinking of you, and feeling your pain. And remember that we are in this together...we will make it, despite the pain. Keep reminding yourself of that. I will keep you in my prayers tonight, as i have many of my own. I have to believe that there is a light at the end of this tunnel...
Hi Hope, I have been following your sich but never felt like I had any good advice to offer - everyone else has given you such great advice and I find myself just getting ready to repeat it! But I see you are asking for thoughts, prayers and support, and just wanted to offer mine up. You have been a very patient, understanding and loving W, and I believe that those things will be rewarded...You deserve to be happy. As hard as it is, a fresh start can have an awful lot of positive in it, and with time that will show. Take care.
I wrote you this long eloquent loving post which would have made all your worries go away, and my computer logged out! (I get to claim elouqence solely b/c I also admit that I can't reproduce that eloquence ) Sorry that I haven't posted in awhile. I know that things look bleak for you right now. But they are not. I will not pretend to give you false hope. I will give you my prayers. You have been so strong through this. Jump up and down that OW is fading away. Ignore the rest of it. Just take the disenchantment with OW and realize that it should make you happy. That is communication about a current event in your H’s life. Any talk about the future. Well that is just talk, none of us can know what the future holds. Else none of us would be here. The anger, from my vast expereince, that is a normal MLC response. your H has moved from Replay and has been giving you indications that he is moving in and out of the tunnel, revisiting stages, that is normal. sucks, but if your H is truely a MLCer this is progress. Read the recipe for success
Quote: And so he still thinks his happiness will come from someone else.
And when he finds someone that likes what he likes, he'll find that similar interests still won't be enough. Poor guy.
This is good, though, Hope. His relationship with the OW was taken out of their fantasy arrangement that he had while living with you, and made real since he left. And he found it didn't work as he thought it would.
Still searching outside of himself, he now seeks another person. He'll have more realizations as that doesn't pan out to meet his expectations.
But that's his journey, not yours.
He is not in love with anybody right now. Not me; not her.
And dare I say, also not himself.
NYS is correct and you are unfortunately a victim caught in the crossfire. I am sorry. You have been through so much and you are so kindhearted but your H sounds as if he will run for a long, long time seeking happiness everywhere except in the healing of himself. Which is the only place he will ever find it. You have to take care of yourself and move forward. Always keep him in your prayers. He needs them more than he knows. It's all you can do. If he pursues D you have to let him go. You can't open his eyes. Only time and many more trips 'round the same old mountain can. He's one that has to go the hard route to learn the lessons in life. Unfortunatly a lot of us are like that. Sometimes we find our way back, though. Sometimes. But you can't live your life holding your breath. If you do, before you know it, it will have passed you by. That's not God's plan for you, Hope. He has much bigger and better things in mind. You can bet on it.
Quote: It's very common that one partner thinks the marriage was fine, in fact, just like any other person's marriage with its normal ups and downs, but that overall it was good, and it may very well have been just like that in the eyes of most any observer, while their partner thinks quite otherwise but doesn't say so. People don't just wake up one day and decide to have an affair, there's typically some period of time where grave dissatisfaction has set in and gotten to the point where they became vulnerable.
I'm going to argue for the quite different point of view. In one of the books on infidelity I've read, the author who is a therapist and worked many years with just that - the infidelity ans its consequenses, - says that he came to a rather paradoxical conclusion that it's common for people to switch places of cause and effect. In most cases however, the sequence was not a bad marriage leading one S to seek another person and commit an affair which signals that there's no hope and R was domed anyway; but rather, that the marriage was at least comfortable if not good, but then an affair started (especially if it starts out innocently), which caused the marriage to collapse directly or indirectly (when one S is emotionally involved someplace else, it's bound to impact R), then the one having the affair sees the damage, concludes that M was terrible from the start and flees the wreckage.
Affairs can and do start in good marriages. Simply because they are often precipitated by internal conflict/turmoil; and let me tell you that it's not the spouse's function to complete the other and solve the conflict. It's very tempting to think that by pressing a button old life can dissipate and new life appear. Guess how well it works though. Normally morphine can and will make you feel much better, but unfortunately there's no evidence that it cures appendicitis.
To get through the darkest period of the night, act as if it is already morning.
The Talmud
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