I'll just jump in here, if you don't mind, and echo some of Spitfire's comments, and add a few more. I think you won't necessarily find the solace you're looking for in knowing the details. I know way too much now--things I thought I needed to know, but things that I now wish I'd never known. In my case, knowing the facts hasn't changed anything--it's brought no peace--no closure. The gory details only seem to provide gory interludes of unwanted flashbacks for me. The pertinent facts, that my W has a serious problem, they've helped finally clear my mind.
I've arrived at a place too where I've come to the same realization Spitfire harvested: "The hurt and anguish lifted from me when I realized that I had been living a fantasy and the person I thought I knew didn't really exist. He was a figment of my imagination. I could no longer be hurt by my own fantasy." Hope, in my case, of course, it's a she, but the details remain the same. I've been trying to preserve a R with a person that's a fantasy, not a reality.
Granted, my situation is different from yours, but you've really got to consider just how much good, or how much bad, knowing all that other stuff is going to do you. It truly is different for every person, and it's a thorny path you'll have to walk alone--the decision to know more, that is. See whay your counsellor says.
I really feel for you, and know just what you're going through. I'm so sad this happens to anyone--it's a world of hurt the world can definitely live without, but one that repeats itself every day. However, there's still a world of good out there too, and I'm enjoying more and more of it every day, that genuine goodness, and I'm getting my life back bit by bit as I realize I have to make my own happiess--it doesn't reside in a place, or in another person--no matter how badly we want it to.
I have no idea what your ideal resolution will be Hope, but I wish you luck, and send you hope to help you on your way with this quote: "The world is what you make of it . . . If it doesn't fit, you make alterations." (Borrowed from the movie, Silverado.)
I've made tons of alterations and I'm liking the fit. I sincerely hope you can find a way to alter things in your positive favor.
I'll chime in too with my own experience, especially since I've been posting you telling you that part of your anguish comes from being in a relationship with a dream.
I've had to let go of a lot of unanswered questions. I was looking for closure but was between a brick and a hard place. I realized that if I asked the ex this or that question, I likely wouldn't get an honest reply, or if I did, I might not trust it to be the truth, or it may just push her away. And certainly, I could always come up with yet another question, and another, and another... So it slowly dawned on me that "closure" is a catch-word, it doesn't necessarily heal anything, in fact, knowing things can hurt more than just letting it all go, as GH so brilliantly suggested.
The WASs are the ones that have to live with themselves regarding what they chose to do, knowing the full truths - we're the ones that don't have to live with it, it's not about us. We only own what we did, not what they did. They're the ones that have to wrestle against the pain of their guilt, let us not share in that pain and ask them to hand some over to us!
Letting go also of the "if onlys" and "what it could be" and seeing our spouses for the bad they are/were helps us see things as they are/were, which is a more realistic, balanced view of them, which takes a lot of the edge off of the pain after a while, because we realize then that what we had, before things went south with them, was probably as good as it gets, and wasn't going to get better, and so, we got it all already.
We realize too that what we lost includes all their bad stuff as well as the good, and that's a relief, really.
NY--very interesting comments, your whole philosophy on the win/loss perspective. I've never really thought of it that way, but it does make some sense--very interesting.
I really have to say that what my W and I had before she went south was worth remembering, so that helps me hang onto the good, and remember the powerful--thanks for that, and some good things for you to reflect on too Hope.
NY, you really focus on the fact of not buying in to the bad that comes from the other side--thanks for that as well, as it's far too easy to second-guess everything and start pointing fingers back at ourselves--something else very worth remembering; as well as, seeing our spouses for the bad they are/were--worth reflecting on in order to put things in perspective--quite powerful.
Hope, it's also nice to have NY's and other's perspective that asking questions definitely would not always produce the truth/closure--I found that out the hard way from other sources about the long-lasting/new to me/true to her nature of my W--she was a bit like the force that precipitated the Titanic disaster--all she ever revealed was the tip of the iceberg of her double-life; the greatest most damaging part was always below the surface, always lied about, the hugest part of the affairs--the true ship-sinker, so to speak.
Good thoughts from NY Hope. Well done NY. Take a hard look at them Hope, there's an awful lot of good perceptive thought penned there.
I'm going to disagree with the prevailing sentiment here and state that my W and I had a good marriage for most of the 5 years we were together. We were best friends, had a great sex life, were good parents together, agreed on the important issues in life, and shared a full spiritual life in Christ. We had a few problems in the months leading up to her A, but even then it came as a complete shock to me.
I'm not going to play sour grapes now and say that the M was bad just because she fell into sin at a weak moment.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
I don't consider what I said to be "sour grapes." Everyone who knew us would have said that we had a great marriage, myself included. But, everyone, myself included, only got to see one side of my H. There was another person there that only came out when H was in need. We have been married 20 years so there are a lot of memories for me and for our children. Unfortunately, those memories are now clouded by what we have come to learn about H. He did not suddenly have a lapse in judgement and begin an affair. It has been a lifelong lifestyle that I was unaware of until 3 years ago. No matter how many good and happy times we had as a family, that cannot undo the ugly truth with which my children and I must now live. Our situations are not parallel.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
It's very common that one partner thinks the marriage was fine, in fact, just like any other person's marriage with its normal ups and downs, but that overall it was good, and it may very well have been just like that in the eyes of most any observer, while their partner thinks quite otherwise but doesn't say so. People don't just wake up one day and decide to have an affair, there's typically some period of time where grave dissatisfaction has set in and gotten to the point where they became vulnerable.
People don't simply "fall" into sin, scripture makes clear that people are enticed by their desires, and dwelling on those desires leads them to act on them (James 1:14, 15).
What I suggested to Hopefloats was to achieve a more realistic view of who her H was and is, flaws and all. He had been engaged in an affair for several years. As such, he misled her, deceived her, lived a duplicitous life all that time. He abused their relationship. This was him, not a separate act during a weak moment.
I'll bite on this too: everyone, including me thought we had a great R, with all the good things in life. I don't have sour grapes about our good times at all--that's what's going to light any positive memories I have about the R--the good stuff. It's just that the double-life, the more than a decade of subversive deception, that's what I'm coming to grips with, and it ain't pretty no matter how you slice it. This is a well-established pattern, a compulsive behavior, not a tempation of the moment.
All the best,
sorry Hope, this has been too much of a hijack I'm afraid,
NYS, keep in mind that not every straying spouse has the affair because the marriage was bad. Some do it out of a sense of entitlement, some do it for the excitement and thrill of the forbidden, some do it for the prestige of having a younger or more attractive companion, etc.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Hope, I hope you are doing well today and sorry for the hijack here...maybe reply in my thread RB...
Quote: some do it for the prestige of having a younger or more attractive companion, etc.
Ok, in this case, which seems like my W's case, how do we combat this? I can't become younger or more attractive. I can get in better shape, but once that's done, and it is, then what? If she wants the younger, bigger, better looking guy, then am I just stuck hoping he turns out to be a total a-hole? This seriously bothers me.
