I can't believe it. Like others say, it doesn't make any sense. You must be feeling really betrayed/hurt/low/etc. right now. I cannot imagine.
You MUST know that it isn't you. You are a talented, witty, intelligent, charming person. Something is seriously messed up in your H for him to do this. There is absolutely no way you are at fault for this, or probably that you could have done anything to prevent it.
Try to gather your wits as best you can. You are one of the most rock steady women I know, so I'm confident you can do it. Remember Talking Point 3 from the Self-Esteem thread. DO NOT ACCEPT BAD TREATMENT FROM OTHERS. This qualifies as well as anything I have ever heard.
I'm holding my breath here now in sympathy for you. I can't imagine any way that the upcoming confrontation will be easy, but I wish it to be as smooth as possible.
Please be well. Praying for you ... hard
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
That is really terrible. I am glad you know now. {{{{{GEL}}}}}
I wish nops were available to offer you some advice, but IMO I think you need to either take Ian someplace so you can think and chill out for a few days, or tell H to not come home. This is a major boundary breach. There is no logicalling, or discussion that will make it better. He has choices to make and it is vital that you dont become
a) destructive b)a doormat again.
I really think a timeout with him making the next approach is vital. NO words that he can say right now will be adequate. YOU have been making terriffic attempts to meet his needs. Doing one Iota more at this time would be enabling. I feel your turmoil.
I told him I didn't know if I would be here when he got home. When I said that, I honestly didn't know....but I will be. I'm not going to uproot my son at this point.
Besides that....I'm doing more searching and so far, this has been the only thing I've found on him. This is bad enough! Believe me though.....all my radar senses are activated. I do have access to cell-phone bills, bank accounts etc.
There's a big part of me that believes this has been his modus-operandi....his way of getting his rocks off and in the process ignoring me. He knows he's coming home to face the music in a BIG way. He has already offered to go see our C about why he's doing this....and has begged me not to leave.
He's been doing this for three years....lying to me about it the whole time, there's a real possibility that he's addicted to it. I don't know why he started but if he wants to save this M he's going to have to figure out how to stop and focus that attention on me....and us.
The fact is now though, he's blown my trust in a HUGE way. He says he hasn't met any of these women....but you know what? He said he wasn't going to this site either. EVERYTHING he says is in question now.
One day at a time right now.
Honeypot....if you hear a loud BOOOOM!!!! It's me.
I appreciate what you are saying. At this time, I'm not willing to take my son out of the home....it's what he knows, it's where he's comfortable. I have a sitter lined up for tonight though that he is going to stay with....so he can play with her kids.
You said exactly something I already said to him, and that I'm going to reiterate to him tonight. I don't deserve this treatment. I have bent over backwards trying to meet his needs only to be lied to time and time again. It stops NOW! If I don't believe it has stopped....this M will end. I will not put up with this now that I know about it.....if I did, I would be a doormat.
Depending on how tonight goes will depend upon whether I ask him to stay elsewhere for awhile or not. I do feel I need to hear him out now that he knows....he can no longer deny this, there's nowhere else to run.
"IF" we are going to recover from this, this behavior has to stop and the energy he's been wasting on that website has to be focused on US.
"IF" we are going to recover from this, this behavior has to stop and the energy he's been wasting on that website has to be focused on US.
I hope you allow the onus of leading and discussing the situation, and coming up with solutions to HIS problem to remain with him, doing all the talking.
Quote: I have bent over backwards trying to meet his needs only to be lied to time and time again. It stops NOW!
Lass, I don't think this is a mere pasttime for him, or a way to blow off steam. I can't imagine that he'd destroy R after R over something that he could have stopped. I think he is indeed addicted, or has some sort of complex (madonna/whore?) that prevents him from reacting to his SO in a sexually mature way. You telling him to stop, or him promising to stop, is really just more of the same. Probably what he's been saying to himself since he began doing this to the very first woman.
I would ask him two things:
1. At what point were you going to tell me about this? 2. What are your plans for working through this psychological compulsion?
I would not pussyfoot around and call it anything other than what it is--a psychological problem. Many many guys look at porn but this is not what we're dealing with here. He has a history of shutting out the women in his life--blaming it all on them--and funneling his sexuality into the darker realm.
He must come to the decision, on his own, that he is ready to do the intensive therapy he will need to do in order to be able to sexually interact with a woman. I think your MC will be out of her league and he will want to contact a sex therapist.
I wish this wasn't happening to you. I'm sure your heart has been blown to bits.
I agree with HP. It sounds like he may have intense guilt about sexuality so that he cannot enjoy it with a "good woman" but must seek out the darker encounters. He needs to get help to see that a normal sexual relationship with his wife is something joyous not something to feel guilty about. Was he sexually abused as a child? If not, do you know of any defining moments that would cause him ti intertwine sex with guilt?
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
I'm wondering if he is a sociapath, and doesn't care what GEL or any of his past wives think, and that he had no intentions of ever telling her (he didn't for 3 years)! I think he only needs a sex counselor if that person is qualified to diagnose full blown personality disorders!
GEL,
At this point I'm wondering what it is that you want to hear from him? Do doubt he is in super panic, cover all bases, think up all the excuses mode right now. He's got to have a good explanation when he gets home and he likely will. It doesn't need to be perfect, just good enough. Let some time pass and he can go back to life as usual.
Are you going to keep this kind of pressure up for years? I say let him do the proving now. Gather your documentation, go see your lawyer, and file the papers. You don't have to act on them right away. But leave that gun pointed at his head until he can prove over time that you should not pull the trigger.
OMG - I am so sorry. I am just shocked and horrified. I wish that HP and the rest of the ladies were there to lend you live support. Good move sending your son out for tonight. What a horrible, horrible thing. I can't imagine how your H could explain himself or what he could do that would make any of this ok in any way.
Not to pry but how sexual were those emails? I mean, is he just getting off on sounding like the big d!ck alpha male because it isn't real or did he have real intentions of meeting up with people? Even if he didn't express much in the way of sexual thoughts or intentions of meeting people it is simply inexcusable. It gets even more concerning if those elements are there.
Wrap your arms around yourself and know that your cyber friends care!
You are a fixer. A tryer. I see it in your interactions here with TSinA and Cemar. Your a very positive, hopeful, trusting type. Maybe... if I just.... perhaps .... <sigh> your stregth is also your weakness. it makes you the chaser in your R's. The one without very much power.
If you want your H to respect you, if you want this serious breach of boundary to be recognized by him, once again, I reiterate that you both need a timeout. With him being the one to initiate and try to fix things. You mention your son, and his needs, but if your H doesnt get his problem, and take this seriously, that is going to be the outcome anyways. better it happen now for a short period of time then months of turmoil down the road, and a permanent break. You can also have your H stay somewhere else. Schnarchs --tough love is what is neccessary here. IMO. Love yourself and your worth. you will only get it if you earn it.
I saw you mentioned your x stopped drinking when you finally got fed up and left. Dont let this get to where you are fed up. Lovingly detach. HARD.
This is not a small problem of your H's. Any weakness/waffeling on your part will be abused. It will. ONLY you can prevent that. Please do it.
I hope you can hear this through your turmoil.
Its very very hard to defend ourselves from the ones we really love. I know. Now, is your chance to obtain some power and get your H to chase you.
