Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Where to go and what to do?

Hello,

I am posting on this forum to look at gaining some insight or thoughts as to how to "Piece" it all together again.

Link to my last thread is :
Motor is sputtering....

I took a long leave of absence form the board as I tried to process the rebuilding of my marriage. I came back b/c I was feeling ineffective in what I was doing.

We have had a huge bump in the road the last few days and I am looking for some strategies or insight on how to proceed further.

I linked my last thread only but feel free to look back through the history if you like (it is not pretty but I did do something right in the early stages)

Thanks for listening and taking time to read.

F4W

Howdy F4W. I've followed along off and on with your ride, even long ago. Sorry it's been so tough for you the last few days.

I should have been brave enough to say something prior to you sending your resume to your W for Valentines Day, but I didn't feel I was up to date enough to know the history, and so many others thought it was wonderful. What I thought when I first read it was 'wow, that's a mistake.' That is pressure.

What I remember reading from you today is that you backed off and have told W that you are there for her, whatever she needs, and she has acknowledged the vast majority of the problems are hers. Until she figures out those problems, or gets proper help to figure them out, there is not a thing you can do about your M. Try and be a person that makes you happy, don't exclude her from your life, but don't put any pressure on her. She's got a lot to be thinking about within the M, and outside pressures of life. For now, back off, offer your support as you have, and put the rest on coast for a bit.

I agree WCW. The V-day thing was a shot, I was taking her at her words that all is fine. Well not obviously.

I know what I need to do, the space and stuff, I question my ability to do so. Been at it so long. Just want a new song to dance to.

Thanks WCW, never hesitate to put in your two cents worth. To tell you the truth, if you would have chimed in, that would probably been enoough for me to pull it off the table so to speak. I really was on the fence on that one. BUt c'est la vie.

There is still hope in me, there is still desire to work, I just need to rally myelf to get it done again. She will be leaving again in a day to see GF and then on busioness trip for weekend. The time away may be good for her. It will be hell on me and the kids again, b/c she was gone most of last week with business in town and rarely saw the kids or me. Hate that feeling of lonliness.

F4W

F4W - I guess I should have chimed in as well. I saw
doom in the valentines thing too. Too much pursuit towards
your wife. While I agree we should all be able to do
what we feel, there are simply times when we shouldn't....
like when you both aren't on the "same page" of your marriage. I will try to catch you next time!

anyway, it just seems to me that you are at Point B, she
is still at Point A...and until you meet up, you just need
to be less obvious in your pursuit and go on with the
other daily events of life.

Another thing I have noticed is that you seem to be forcing
YOUR LL's on her....and wondering why she isn't responding
as you would. You would have loved the Valentines thing if she had done it for you...but it pushed her over the
edge - WAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY more pursuit than she was able to
handle at this point in her journey. Like I said, I think
when she meets up with you at Point B, then maybe she
will be more open to this type of affection. But not now.

Hang in there. Our prayers are with your family at the
impending loss of your wife's grandfather.

Thanks Cupcake,

Is there an express train from A to B?

I guess I am venting a bit, but I am damn tired of making efforts to be a better than good H and not see reciprocation. Who knows lower the expectations and goals get met I guess.

BLAH!

Thanks for the 2x4 wake up call.

F4W

Sorry I didn't speak up, but I get so many times of doubt of my own, I don't feel quite right about knocking down your idea. I should know better, it's happened the same on a few other folks I've followed.... maybe some day I'll trust myself.

I am so right where you are at, I feel like I am supposed to keep trying, to make this work, but I've been running out of sweet feed for this old mare to feel any spunk lately. I do decent enough at making a life of me, for me. But I really have to force myself to try to work on M, maybe it's okay, just keep it coasting, let H figure out his problems, and in the meantime keep getting my ducks in a row.

Maybe we can find a way to do some resuscitation on ourselves, and that will spill over to the rest of what needs fixing.

I think the real key is to keep trying to save your M,
just don't let her see you doin' it! make sense?

As much sense as anything these days.

My take right now, and slap me if I am wrong , is I need to focus completely in an opposite way right now. Not towards the overt efforts (aka SEE WHAT I AM DOING W? NOW WHAT ARE YOU DOING?) and just be a husband in my marriage that loves my wife.

Continue as nothing is wrong and just be me, the caring husband I am!

At least that is where I am this minute in the univers, hold your breath and I am sure it will change LOL

F4W

(((((Fighting4Wife)))))...

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you... I will write more later as I am at work and do not have much time to post... I am so sorry that you are struggling again with your wife. Hang in there... I will post or e-mail you later tonight... -KIM

I told you my mood would change Cupcake.

This is my day, as many a day were last Spring, sitting here and feeling like a doormat. That to epress myself is a bad thing. To show and bare my heart is vile and evil.

Well now I have that of my chest I will go back to original stance.

F4W