NG, Is Barney never romantic, or just not often enough for your liking?
The first is giving up on your dream, the second is adjusting your dreams, which we all have to do within marriage.
I have to say that I was put off (me! an HD chick) by his comment that he wouldn't "buy" sex with romance. As if that eliminates his obligation to try romance. All it does is mean that he gives up on the expectation that it will net him sex. He's still absolutely required to try to meet your need for romance.
For your part, you may have to tone down your ideas of what constitutes a romantic activity and accept his attempts with praise. Fwiw, my H sucks at romance too.
Thank you for your post. There were a few times in our marriage that Barney could have won the award for Romance! One time was our 15th wedding anniversary..he'd bought the book (a great one) "1,000 Ways to Be Romantic". He just picked out some of the suggestions and did them. 10 years later...my heart STILL goes pitter patter thinking about it.
He like the majority of men need a book like that. Just do what it says to do. Write it down in your Daytimer. ha ha.
Barney just didn't do it often enough or to my liking. And because I wanted it so much I felt that pretty much I had to always have it regularily...as it made me emotionally there for sex. While that is true. I think that my mentality was if he did all 10 things I wanted, I'd have thought of 3 more hoops to jump through. So his negative attitude toward romance is in part what I helped create.
I'd notice everything he didn't do that I wish he'd do rather than have a grateful attitude about what was.
On our 10th anniversay he wrote me the most beautiful poem about our life up until then. I need to find that.
I was just a spoiled little brat...and didn't know it.
I accept that he's a guy and doesn't naturally see those things. I also know that when he does open the door for me or bring me flowers, or whatever...he has to make an effort.
There have been about 7 years of our marriage that Barney was in a real funk. Hopeless. What he's described here. Our entire marriage has not been that. But we've been gradually coming out of that...and we are LIGHT YEARS ahead of where we were in our R when we were both here the first time..fighting it out.
We are not where we want to be...but we are at least talking and forgiving...and that was non-exsistent 2 years ago.
I suggest that you offer sex to Barney at least once every day for a while. Worry about romance a bit later. For now, just let him know that you want to have sex with him daily. If he rejects you, then that becomes his problem, not yours.
You have to start somewhere, and it is obvious that you are willing to do the work.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I guess I'm not making myself clear on this thread...Romance is no longer a driving force for me. I appreciate it....but I've learned to value other things about Barney that are much more important in the sceme of life: being a good dad, providing for my family, honesty, working hard...sex & romance are much easier to work out than the foundational issues that hold a marriage together for life.
He doesn't have to romance me to get me in the mood...if he does that's great but I'm not obsessing about it.
BArney and I had lunch and discussed many things today. It was a great honest, heart to heart conversation. We are open to each other and ready to come together for sex.
I think you and Barney have the ability to make your M what you both need. The hurtle you seem to be struggling with right now is Barney's resentment. Just remember, that is HIS struggle. You can only model/offer what you want and what you think he needs. Maybe he is willing to make the leap of faith after your talk. Good luck.
I did have a lot of resentment...for a long time. What nobody seems to get from all this is that her asking me "the question" relieved it.
My resentment was from being thought perverted for my desires, controlled with sex, and not being heard. NG has done a great job in staying with it and owning up to her mistakes. I can only hope to do as well. She now accepts my desires and doesn't control me with sex. The last part was hearing me, which she did by asking me what she would have to do to make me feel loved.
Obviously, I did a poor job of communicating why I posted my question. Because of that, I assume those who read previous posts thought the same circumstances existed.
I have a good W who is trying. I'm trying, too.
BTW HP, the "buying sex with romance" comment was regarding how NG and I came into our M 25 years ago, not how I feel now.
Little bit weird that you're both on the BB posting on each other's threads....
And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Better Days... Goo Goo Dolls
I personally think it is awesome that both of them are here working together at this. The NOP's did the same thing and it seems to have helped them. As long as they can remember none of us third party people are taking sides. We want to help/listen to both of them I think it can work for them to both.
Not busting your chops here but I find it interesting that NG said that your thread was for YOU to vent and be heard, so she declined my invitation to respond to a few things, that honestly could have benefitted from her input....yet you are here posting on her thread.
Interesting. I personally, wish NG really had responded to some things on your thread....there was an invitation to communicate something to make it clearer, yet she declined. I just kind of find it puzzling.
