Referring to Chrome’s Valentine’s Day events, I’d like to mention that I am currently reading Laura Schlessinger’s “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.” I think this is the book chrome should give his wife. The book is written from the man’s point of view and I think does a very good job of explaining men and their wants. It also does one other important thing, at least for me – it made me aware of how women can be very self-centered in their emotional needs. I have not given this much thought before (except for a few particular girls I dated in my past), but know realize that many women want men to make them happy, to address their emotional needs, and will manipulate men (unconsciously) to do these things.
Schlessinger proposes that much of this is due to the feminist movement, and I agree with her on this. I have nothing against feminism for promoting equality, but like so many other movements, this too must reach a state of balance. My point is that maybe Chrome’s wife, like mine, is so focused on how she feels and HIS responsibility to fix her feelings, that she loses sight of HER responsibility for HIS feelings.
Schlessinger also claims that most counselors these days are very feminist as well. The conventional wisdom is to make men acknowledge, feel and express their emotions in the same way women do, somehow making this the standard against which men are judged. I do not believe this has to be so, and that women have as much responsibility to change themselves toward a man’s way of thinking, like so many women on this board are doing. But I think not acknowledging the man’s needs, his way of feeling and thinking, his way of communicating, is an immature and selfish position for the wife. It is also abusive to the husband.
I am happy to say they I am in a much improved position in my relationship right now (as opposed to a few weeks ago) due to my wife seeming to now wanting to understand my needs and not just focus on her own. So now I can focus on her needs. I hope this puts us on a permanent path to recovering our marriage.
I’m sure this will raise some controversy and I would really like to hear what everyone thinks.
I think it is less the fault of feminism and more the human condition to try to get our own needs met first. Especially if (for whatever reason) the person who is trying to get their needs met already feels that there is an imbalance. If they perceive an existing imbalance, they don't worry about the other person's needs at all. For whatever reason, many of the LD women on the board already feel as if they give and give only to find that it isn't enough and that they aren't appreciated. So, they cease to worry about the needs of their SO.
I do think that feminism has painted men with a broad brush and that it isn't entirely fair. I do think that feminism has given SOME women carte blanche to view men in this way and to have expectations of them that aren't reasonable. Women do struggle with sex roles and some women REALLY struggle. To the extent that they do - they will have trouble around this topic in M.
I applaud your bravery in citing Dr. Schlessinger's book. It's come up before, and I found just CeMar and me agreeing with its main points, and she is a very controversial figure.
I read excerpts of the book (not the entire thing), and listened to her "take" on the subject many times on her radio program. I would disagree with you that it's written from the man's perspective. On the contrary, I took her major point to be that it's been her experience, in her practice and on her radio show, that WOMEN aren't happy in their marriages, and that THEY can be happier if they'd just learn the very simple needs that most men require:
Feed them. Admire them. Make love to them. And they will move MOUNTAINS to make you happy.
I do think that there has been an overall "feminization" of the American male over the past 30 years or so, from little boys not being allowed to play "Tag" in school and doping them up with Ritalin just for being rambunctious boys... to grown men being told by counselors that if they just get more in touch with their feelings, and empathize with their wives, that all will be better.
As you point out, rightly I believe, BOTH sexes need to do a better job of moving out of what's comfortable for them, and meeting the other's needs. I think there was a time, in the "Ward Cleaver" 1950s, where it was grossly imbalanced toward the woman being expected to just suck it up and do most of the work in that regard.
Now, I don't even think it's arguable, it's imbalanced the other way.
I too, bought the Dr. Laura book and loved it. It said everything I had been trying to say to my wife for years! After I was done, I gave to my wife to read to see what her reaction would be. She read the first 2 chapters and hated it. She said the book was just full of woman complaining about their marriages and griping about their men. Since she really didn't feel that way or thought we had issues, she said it was a pointless waste of her time to read it, and she has'nt ever picked it back up. I was astounded at this reaction, but at the same time not surprised. I have been the one jumping up and down claiming we have issues and trying to get her attention and she is the one who continues to ignore the issues. To me, there are big problems. To her, there are no problems, all is well, therefor there is nothing that needs to be fixed. No point in reading a "help with relationship" book if you don't need it.
But I enjoyed the book. You can add me to the list of its supporters.
Quote: Feed them. Admire them. Make love to them. And they will move MOUNTAINS to make you happy.
I am this wife.
I am not sure where the disconnect is, wrt my marriage, but I can tell you that my H does not move mountains for me. He loves me, deeply, I know that and am certain of it.
But his attitude is very much that he will get to me when he can. He does not like to go to great effort for me.
I don't understand this and am, frankly, perplexed about the whole thing.
Cobra, I read the book by Laura Schlessinger “The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands” last year and just felt more neglected.
I was going to give it to BB but knew that if I did it would not help her or me.
I too agree with another poster choc, it is written from a WOMAN'S POV, Laura Schlessinger's POV and from her experiences with her clients and the men in her life recently (just guessing about the men in her life).
Just imagine a good guy with a good woman, not some jerk with a doormat woman. I think most of Laura Schlessinger's "Proper Care" book ideas work.
Laura Schlessinger tells the readers her book does not apply to relationships where the guy is selfish, abusive, has affairs, or is alcoholic/drugs addict.
So, my opinion is can I be as good as the good guy in her book? How much of the book does not apply because BB and I are different than the ideal models in her book? Even if BB would want to be the good wife in the book, could she physically and mentally? If BB was the good w in the book, would her friends and society support her with today’s politically correct equality for both sexes?
My final opinion of the book. Some good points, wishful thinking, but maybe the deck (societal expectations) is leaning the wrong way.
Read the book but don't let what you think you are missing in your R ruin your life and happiness. Better to work with what you have and improve on that, than to dwell on what you don't have.
Is that a good example of the glass being half-full?
I think your husband is just plain WIRED differently. "A freak of nature." I do know, just from reading all of your posts, that he does love you.
But like all books and theories, Dr. Laura is making GENERAL OBSERVATIONS, from her personal and professional experience. There will always be exceptions to the rule. And, as you've pointed out so many times before, there's a whooooole different set of of dynamics when the woman is HD and the husband is LD. I think the books is written from the HDH/LDW perspective.
My dear Choc, Thank you for the reply. I'm sure you are right.
The thing that hangs me up is that my H is definitely a man's man. His thought process is in no way feminine. So when I read things like that I wonder why it doesn't apply to us. Then again, I am a very feminine person in demeanor and personality and do not fit the General Observation that floats around about women.
