Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Recommitment or indecision?

I have been here for several months now and although I have seen great progress from a year ago, I am now stuck. Quick recap:

Me 39
H 45
Kids 15,13,11
Married almost 18 years
Bomb dropped March 05 on our anniversary

H never left home although he does work in another city 4 days a week and is home the other 3. He has an apartment in the other city. This is nothing new - he has worked away for 11 years but it has only been in the last 3 years that he has had an apartment. It has been different cities every 6-12 months.

I have suffered from depression/anxiety since my second child was born. I was never able to find proper help until a year ago and found a therapist and shrink who have helped me alot. My medication is finally right and I no longer feel the need to see the therapist.

Situation is this: H comes home every weekend (which is more than he used to), spends time with me and the kids as a family. He shares our bed, but in recent weeks, all intimacy has stopped. He does have a medical problem concerning this, and says that that is the reason, but does not want to talk about it or return to the doctor (for the third time). The tension between us has virtually disappeared and we are good friends and business partners - always have been. As far as I know, there is no OW , but he did tell me a year ago that he would be looking. He also said he would tell me if he did meet someone. THere are no unexplained charges on credit cards, money missing - I take care of all our finances. He doesn't wear his wedding ring - took it off a year ago and there are no ILYs. I get gifts from him on special occasions (including flowers today) but they are always signed from him and the kids.

Nothing has changed financially. He still puts money in my retirement savings and all our assets are joint. We have been talking about long term investments through our company. He wants to buy me a new vehicle as mine is getting near the end of it's life. He's talked about how we are a family of 5 and need a seven seater in order to carry around my aging parents with us.

So,what is my question for the wise people here? Is he wanting to reconcile? He has not said he wants to work on us - he doesn't talk about "us" at all - and hasn't for a year. I have been very careful about not starting that conversation although I had a slip up last August and there is no way I am going back there again. I am just so confused. I act "as if" we are together and there is nothing wrong between us, but I know there is. I guess I feel like we've hit a plateau and things need to move in one direction or the other. But I am terrifed to start the conversation.

I sense that he is staying with me for the kids and the family. Family means the world to him. It is me he doesn't love (as a wife). I'm trying to look at this in a positive way in that the longer he is here and the happier he is at home, the more chance there is that he will look at me in a different light.

Is there a point when the silence on his part becomes an avoidence tactic? Do I push the issue and hear what I don't want to hear in order to bring things out in to the open. Or do I assume that he is still unsure and continue to back off while showing him I love him through my actions?

G

My H never left either, and I can tellya, that he (and I suspect men in general), so do not like to confront emotional issues. My response to my H's emotional AWOL, and wanting to leave, not being "in love with me", having EA, was to work on myself, making positive changes, and GAL. Of course, I fell off the wagon many times, but always picked myself up, dusted myself off, and carried on. Time will tell where this gets me, but, for now, he says he is committed, and has always loved me (was living in a fantasy). I also thought, at one time, that he was only staying for the sake of the kids. Still, lots of work to be done.

I can only relate to your sitch, while trying to find commonalities with mine, so my advice (for what it's worth) in your situation is to find ways to improve (maybe 'improve' is the wrong word, perhaps 'optimise' is a better one) yourself, find ways to be more interesting, don't make it about him, but about yourself. You have made a start by overcoming the depression, so continue working from that. It could be little changes, like changing your hairstyle, getting into the gym, finding a new and interesting hobby, or whatever fulfills your interests. Take little steps. Ultimately, I went back to school, and am studying toward a fitness trainer certificate. Quite a challenge at my age, with my weight issues, but so far, doing well, and am fit and a lot healthier, and am losing the weight (40lbs to go). My H is quite impressed with me for doing it.

Good luck!

I know what you mean about men not wanting to confront emotional issues. My H has never been good with that - so why should I expect anything now?

I think what is really bothering me is that he is showing with his actions that he wants to be here, but has said nothing about recommiting to our marriage. In the note he wrote with the flowers he sent today he uses his pet name for me and signes it "Love H". He hasn't signed "Love" to anything for a year - do I take this as a sign of commitment or an act of friendship?

As for "optimizing" myself, I have done alot of the things you have mentioned. I got a new hairstyle, dress better, go to the gym (although losing weight has been almost impossible - thyroid issues) and have found some new hobbies - pole dancing and pottery. Funny combination I know, but I'm just trying things out. I am actually getting bored of both of these, so it may be time for something else.

Maybe it is my patience wearing thin. I think that now I have made these changes to my life, I am starting to see what I need to be happy. I am focusing on the fact that I am not getting loving intimacy that I want. But asking for what I want doesn't feel like an option right now.

G

It's been a while since I have posted - nothing to write I suppose. My situation hasn't changed much. H is still travelling and coming home each weekend. There is no intimacy between us athough we sleep in the same bed. He bought me a new car (new to me!) and continues to talk about future investments together and a possible family trip to Europe next year.

In the one talk we have had since February, he said that he is only here for the kids. His actions says otherwise, but it is very confusing. Do I believe what he says to me or do I believe what I see? I get kisses when he goes out and at bedtime, but nothing else. Could he truly only be here for the kids?

He seems to be happy here at home and a little lonely when he is away. He even called me during the day yesterday to see how I was. He always calls at night and talks to me and the kids, but it is rare he calls during the day for no reason.

I just don't know how to take him. Right now I am keeping busy with my own things and have tried to have no expectations of him. It has made it alot easier on me. We spend most of our time together when he is home - with and without the kids.

Our anniversary came and went in March. I gave him a card that made him tear up (talked about how much I admired all that he has accomplished and how well he has taken care of me and the kids). He said he had nothing for me - except for my new vehicle in the driveway. I said it was an awsome present and make sure that everyone around knew what he gave me for our anniversary. He tried to dismiss it by saying that I needed a new vehicle anyway.

I just wish he would tell me where he stands. I will not ask as I don't want to push and maybe I am also afraid of the answer.

I don't know if I have a question or not, but I think I'm looking for some encouragement to continue on. It is hard to continue to be strong.

G

Boy, change the names and dates and this is my sitch exactly. It's so weird to be talking about the future but she's not wearing her ring. WTF??? We all but planned our vacation for spring break next year, sleep in the same bed, do everything we did before the bomb except have any kind of affection. Somedays I feel like I'm just paying the bills and doing everything for her for nothing.

That's really my question: at what point do I decide I've done this for long enough without any improvement and pull the ripcord on this? How does it work when you do everything you're supposed to do but they just have no interesting meeting our needs? How long is half a relationship enough?

I had the same thing happen on Valentine's Day. I gave her a great card, nothing back. Even the kids were giving her a hard time about that one. Half of me is in full DB mode, and the other half is thinking the heck with this, if she's not wearing her ring, then ditto, and why not start dating? I totally don't want to do this, but I have absolutely no leverage to make her do anything, so at some point I guess it's full blown GAL time. I know some have written that they finally said the heck with this and by the 4th date the SO was begging them to come back. I'm not there yet, but if something doesn't happen soon...

I signed up for the KLA 2006, so maybe doing some full body DB will break this loose. If not, then I'll have to go to plan 'B'.

My 2 cents. Sometimes we get stuck in the "limbo" phase of not pushing, no R talk, no pressure and forget there's a next step. The intention of this phase is to stabilize a volatile situation, in my mind. Once things are stabilized, I think there can be a gentle, non-threatening, respectful push for R talk.

I did the same thing recently, it actually came up. Turns out, my H who was once so aversed to R talk was dying to talk but afraid of my anger, etc. I wasn't angry. So, we were walking around in circles and felt much better after talking, it opened things up. A LOT.

Trust that surely this isn't the R they want either, and sticking in it for the kids or the bills isn't satisfying for anyone after a long time.

Take the risk, gently, so you can see what road to go down. Be sure to make it a VERY safe to talk. If you sense resistence, back off. It's like DB, you've been doing the same thing with no progress....yes, it got you out of crisis...but now time for something else. Seems that both of your sitch's are calm enough with lots of good vibes and respect....a talk will be fine.

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at what point do I decide I've done this for long enough without any improvement and pull the ripcord on this? How does it work when you do everything you're supposed to do but they just have no interesting meeting our needs? How long is half a relationship enough?

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That is one of those things that only you can answer. I found that it wasn't until I totally let go that he came back running but every sitch is different. Listen to your heart. At some point it will tell you enough is enough. And it will be everyday not just in random moments. At some point there will be a straw that breaks your back, until then kep on keeping on. Find joy in your own life without needing it from him.

Good luck. Life will surely work itself out.

I agree with the advice you got here. I would add that one should try and reach a certain level of detachment, but eventually you will have to gently start pushing for some sort of clarity of what she really is wanting.

I must say I was a yo-yo DBer, and many times I would ask my H what the heck he wanted from me because I was wanting a lot more than he was giving. It usually cleared the air for us, however, eventually we both wanted the D, and soon thereafter, he declared he had changed his mind, and will commit to our M, and that he was not going anywhere ever. So far, so good, a year later.

So, just follow your gut, and do what you think is right for you, and your family. Don't be a doormat, but don't be controlling either. It is such a balancing act, but you are in the right place for venting, because we have all been where you are, and know how you are feeling. I despise being in limbo. Good luck!

Thank you all for your input.

I think what I really have been struggling with is the degree of detachment. I am torn between continuing to show him how much I love him and totally detaching. I have been trying to follow his lead, but there is not alot to follow. I keep thinking that if I totally detach he will use that as an excuse to walk away (see...she doesn't care so why bother?). I have read not only DR but also 5LL and Care and Feeding of Husbands. I am trying to give him what he needs, but with so little input from him, I feel lost.

I've tried once in a while over the last year to bring him into some kind of R talk. He totally shuts down, gets angry, says he doesn't want to hurt me and then leaves. I've learned to recover from these times by telling myself that he is not ready to talk and blame myself for trying. THe last time was two months ago and he said he's only here for the kids. Is that even true? After a year, nothing has changed - do I have any reason to hope?

I often wonder if he even knows what love is - he can't even see it right in front of him. Every one around us thinks that we've worked things out (they were shocked in the beginning as we were always the couple that got along the best - and still are).

A good friend of mine has told me to stop asking and decided whether I am willing to live with the way things are now or am I willing to walk out on the whole marriage. I am not willing to give up. But the pain is not lessening and I don't think it ever will.

He seems satisfied the way things are. He kisses me hello and goodbye, but hasn't touched me sexually in 4 months. How does a man lie in bed with his wife night after night and choose not to touch her? It only leads me to believe that he has no attraction to me at all and I believe that is the whole problem right there. I want to ask him if he has any attraction to anyone - or is it just me. But I'm afraid of the answer. I have gained alot of weight through pregnancy and medications and am not proud of how I look, but have not managed to loose the weight. He said that is a problem for him and although I can understand it from him point of view, I don't think he has even though of putting himself in my shoes.

Sorry, I'm rambling on.

G

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I have gained alot of weight through pregnancy and medications and am not proud of how I look, but have not managed to loose the weight. He said that is a problem for him and although I can understand it from him point of view, I don't think he has even though of putting himself in my shoes.

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That really hit home for me. I gained about 20 lbs as a result of having kids. When he dropped the bomb, and after I found out about OW, he told me he just wasn't attracted to me anymore. [Can we say ouch?] What truly pisses me off is that I lost 30+ lbs as a result of the betrayal diet [and I am 5'11" so I carried it pretty well] and he has been "hot for me" constantly since the weight started dropping off, even before he broke things off with OW. He even told me, "If only you had lost the weight six months ago..." I think that will always be an echo within me. The fact that my physical body determines his faithfulness makes me ill. He swears that THAT had nothing to do with it but that is really easy to say NOW, kwim? I had his kids. And he wants me to look like a teenager? Screw that. He eats HORRIBLY and doesn't gain weight. He gained weight too but that never determined whether or not I found him attractive. His attitude determined that.

Sometimes I wonder if HE is really the man I was meant to be with. So even though he is wanting to come home, after remembering what I deserve, do I really want him here?

Right now the door is open but NO WAY will I stick around if I can;t have a REAL relationship.

Anyway, sorry for the tangent, that just struck too close to home.

faith