Quote: So I will admit that I am pushing my H too much. But I kinda feel that I deserve a decision. I need something from him to know that I'm not just wasting my time waiting for him to come around.
I know hun, I know being in limbo is heck. I'm glad to hear he's broken it off with OP too Take it slow, he is moving in the right direction (remember me, dont' ask for too many details less you fume about them much later)
I wish you a great weekend and hope you guys come to a good desicion this sat, you'll be in my thoughts))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
My H and I had a great time at the beach. Unfortunately on the way there and once we got home we got into truly awful fights. The horrible thing is the fights weren't over anything important--one was about him bringing this bag of his that I really hate with him into a restaurant.
On Sunday we mostly made up and had a long talk. I basically told him that sometimes I need him to do things I ask (things I know he doesn't want to do like not bringing the bag with him) just to make me happy. And, I said, the more he does them, the less I will ask.
I don't think until we were talking did I realize how much seeing the ow with my H at the airport really set me back. Until last week my H and I hadn't been fighting and had been getting along great. I told him that I didn't go to the airport thinking she would be there. I said I went because I missed him and in the back of my mind I thought the ow might be there because my H was acting really suspicious--but that there was no way she would be there because my H and I had been getting along so well and were talking about moving in together.
He said he knew I didn't go thinking she would be there. I told him I felt like a fool and that it made me feel like I was supposed to take the hint--he picked her to take with him.
Another really big issue between us is that I haven't always felt my H is on my side. I need to feel that I am important and that my opinion counts. I think that is why I want to start wearing our rings. I want him to be willing to openly admit to his friends and coworkers that he is working on his M.
He has agreed to start living with me four days a week but besides still not wanting to wear his ring he has yet to decide if we're definitely reconciling.
So I guess I am now working out for myself how much I need from him to keep me from moving on and leaving this roller coaster behind.
Sorry to make this all about me but I learned something from that post, or really had something affirmed that my W has sorta said to me before.
Quote: Another really big issue between us is that I haven't always felt my H is on my side. I need to feel that I am important and that my opinion counts.
I think this is what Muddle and I are talking about right now on our threads. The fact that because we often just did things our way without really considering our W's way, and in my specific case, becasue I never really stick up for my W in family issues (with her family), really may make our wives feel like you feel, not supported.
So you are saying that it really does help you when he just does the little things you ask, or does something your way when it really doesn't matter how it gets done? Does he do this more now?
Anyway, it sounds like things are going ok. I get the fighting about little things but I think it's all part of the process you go through on the way to wherever we are all going.
I guess in some ways he has been better about doing little things I know he doesn't want to do. Over the weekend we twice went on walks when I knew they were only halfhearted.
But I am having a very, very hard time getting over my H taking the ow to the wedding. He told me that she thought it would be a chance for them to patch things up. As it appeared my H had no plans to do this, and I thought we were reconciling, I just cannot wrap my head around why he took her and I am left feeling hurt, confused and really, really angry.
I guess I can only hope that these emotions will simmer down with time, but right now, they are certainly an obstacle.
And I can't help having the feeling that I should not be spending so much time with him if he cannot commit to our M, or at least wearing our rings. For that matter I don't know why I shouldn't move out of the area if he isn't going to give me anything to believe he's serious about putting our M back together.
For as long as I can remember I've wanted to live in many different places before finally settling somewhere. Our first stop was to have been Washington, DC, followed by a couple other places in the south and west and then back to my home state of New York.
He originally agreed to this plan but now he suggests that it is living like a hobo and no way to have a career and won't leave DC. I hate living in this area and would be willing to live almost anywhere. And, to be honest as a journalist, moving from paper to paper is a way to build a career. If he cannot commit in some meaningful way I think I may be ready to just up and move away.
On Sunday I realized it had been a month since I told my H his time was up and despite wanting to see him I told him there was no point in him coming over if he wasn't coming home. We had a long talk about how we were waiting for one of us to get brave--for me, brave enough to move on and let go, and for him, brave enough to come home and try again. At the end of the day I guess I realized he wasn't going to come home. I cried so hard that night that when I woke up my eyes were still puffy.
Then, yesterday, I decided that I had to make all my decisions as if he didn't exist. I let my landlord know I would renew my lease until the spring, which would give me just enough time to find out if I get into grad school.
After that I wrote my H an e-mail and told him that I've long felt that while I was making plans for our future, his plans have never included me and that I was letting him go and moving on.
He called as soon as he read the e-mail and asked if we could talk later that night. I told him maybe but that I was going to a salsa dancing class. While I was out he called and he sounded so sad so I ended up going over to his apartment.
Now, here's the kicker . . .
Last night he started reading DB because "you were gone for good."
Hmm, very weird to think he was going to use the book to get me back. I guess I will just have to wait and see where this rabbit hole takes us.
Later this week will mark one year since I found about my H's first A. I must say that even though things between us are not where I had hoped they'd be by now, our M is in a far better place than it was a year ago.
We are finally at the point where we are back to where we started. That is to say we are able to get back to the things that caused our M to break apart--so I guess this is where the real work of putting a marriage back together lies.
Over the weekend I found out my H bought an expensive new coat, one that I also happen to think is ugly. This purchase was on the heels of him buying two expensive pairs of shoes and another new coat. I was already in a bad mood, and when saw the new coat I flipped out.
For a long time in our M, my H has thought it was OK for him to spend a lot of money buying nice things for himself despite us being in major debt. I've always resented the fact that while I had to scrimp and save and do without, he felt entitled to squander any surplus in our shared resources. It always made me feel like he thought he was more important and that I didn't matter.
So this coat brought up old issues and my H and I quickly fell into our old argument pattern--me yelling at him and my H getting all defensive and saying I have no say in what he does.
When we went to bed I thought I had made a terrible decision to keep working on our M. In the morning I snuggled up with him in bed and decided it was something we would need to work on, not something worth ending a marriage.
Later I told him why I was mad and then said I wanted to hear what he thought. Usually he would say nothing and I would start talking again. This time I forced myself to bite my tongue and let him talk. Each time he stopped I asked if there was anything more and he actually had more to say. Mostly he said he felt unappreciated and that I didn't give him any credit for the sacrificed he has made. After he finally finished I told him that I was wrong to get mad about the coat and that I do appreciate everything he has done for us.
I told him it I was really mainly mad about what the coat represents and promised to make more of an effort to appreciate him if he made more of an effort to make me feel important.
So, while we are still fighting the same old fights, for the first time, we resolved things differently. In the past, after a fight we would just act as if nothing happened, which just caused me to build up resentment. This time we actually talked about why we were mad.
Of course we STILL aren't living under the same roof or wearing our wedding rings but I guess it's all about baby steps.
Baby steps are what it's all about! Nice to hear your good news. The toughest part is to start that ball rolling but once it starts moving there's no stopping it. I hope this is the beginning of great things for your R. So just keep on rolling!
I don't know why, but lately I find myself wondering if I will ever be able to really trust my H again. For that matter, I don't know if I will ever trust anyone ever again--I never really was the trusting type to begin with.
Is it really possible to regain trust? Or, will we forever have a wall around us to keep us safe? I love my H and want to be with him, but I'm finding that the trust I gave him to allow us to start to rebuild things, is now gone.
I had mostly banished the ow from my thoughts. But, now, I find myself constantly thinking of her and of all the rotten things my H has done to me, starting with not being there for me when I was depressed. And I think not only can I not trust my H not to hurt me again, but I cannot trust he will be there for me in a crisis. And, I don't trust that I will not someday have an A of my own.
Grrrr. I guess I'm just having a bad day and just need to vent a little.
