First, GH, thank you for that. You are right he has been thinking about me, apparently a lot.
So my H has contacted me several times by phone, e-mail and text while he has been gone. I haven't really talked about it at all with any of my close friends and I haven't posted anything because I'm not sure which way my H will ultimately sway and being the superstitious person I am I didn't want to jinx anything.
Which leads me to my real frustration. One of my closest friends found out that my H has contacted me since he left for his month-long trip and now she is mad that I have kept her in the dark. To be fair she asked if he had called and I gave a vague response that wasn't quite the truth and wasn't quite a lie.
But instead of being understanding about my reasons for keeping quiet she gave me a "yeah and those other things you've been superstitious about have really worked out for you."
Am I wrong here? Does she have a right to be pissed? Do I really need to deal with a childish friend when my marriage is at stake?
What's even more incredible is that she is having an A. Now I understand that it is her high school boyfriend and he is the love of her life and perhaps he shouldn't have gotten married and his W left and went back to her home country and hasn't really contacted him in months. But, it still is what it is, an A.
Anyway, this all makes me miss my H all the more. True friends are so hard to find and my H was (is?) my best friend.
You sound calmly sad, which is not really a bad thing. Angry sad is worse I think, most of the time.
I know you hurt and want to know what's going to happen but I think you see that your patience is paying off, at least a bit.
As for your friend, in the past, has she been a supporter of you and your marriage? Is she pissed you didn't tell her because she was there for you in the really bad times and since him contacting you is GOOD in her eyes, and not telling her the GOOD is not fair? OR, is it just that she feels left out on some good gossip?
If it's the former, then I think she has a little right to be upset...well, actually, she has every right in the world to FELL however she wants, but I think if she is a true friend, and true supporter (which I suspect she may not be anymore if SHE's having an A now) then maybe you are ok worrying a bit about her feelings.
If she's just in search of gossip, then hell no, don't give it another thought.
I think you need to focus on you and let her do her thing. It's obvious that you disagree with her current sitch so she may serve to only be a distraction to you, the kind you probably don't need.
I hope you start to feel less sad. Actually I KNOW you will. These things come and go and we are left, usually ok, sometimes a little bruised, but on the whole, better than we were before.
Wow, "calmly sad." What a good description. To be honest I think my friend was pissed at being kept out of the loop. The thing is, I understand her feeling a little hurt but that didn't justify her reaction. I guess I kinda thought she'd understand how I felt about wanting to keep things under wraps until I knew what was going on.
Yesterday we were out shopping and she made some comment along the lines of "have you heard from H or are you not going to say." (Big sigh)
My H should either be back now or in the air. To be honest, I feel a bit sick to my stomach over it. I got no call or text message before he departed and I'm wondering what is going on.
I'm not sure I'm ready to hear about where my H is at in terms of our R (well, unless it's good news. )
I really didn't expect to feel so nervous about the prospect of seeing him after a month. Perhaps it's fear that after getting lots of I love yous and I miss yous while he's been away that it won't translate once he's back.
And I guess a part of me is starting to get past the part where I'm ready to work on things. Lately I've just been feeling really mad, and as you said GH, quietly sad and questioning how much effort I want to put into repair work while he is still into demolition or at the very least holding up the necessary building permits.
I am feeling very much at the end of my rope with my H. It took him two days to call me and let me know he had arrived home safely. And then it was just to say he'd be mailing me a check and that he'd be in touch in a couple days to talk.
Frankly I'm not sure what there is to talk about. Either he wants to work on our M or he's going to sign papers so we can D. I'm tired of waiting for him to make a decision. I just don't see how we can ever repair our M if he won't answer my phone calls (I have to leave a message and then he calls back) and he doesn't want to spend time with me.
I called him today to see if we could get together and of course he didn't answer his phone. So I stupidly left a message that I was assuming he didn't want to get together or he'd have answered and that if he changed his mind to call later that day. If he didn't call I'd assume he was going to sign papers for a property settlement so I could file for a divorce and that I'd pick up the papers on Monday.
Honestly, how can he really believe he's being truthful when he tells me he loves me and misses me if he doesn't want to spend time with me? When you miss someone you come to see them as soon as you can.
All his words indicate we have something left to save but all his actions indicate otherwise.
I love my H and would love to make things right again but I am no longer sure that I would be able to do that. I can forgive a lot but I'm not sure I will ever be able to trust him again or to feel safe that he isn't going to suddenly go wacko again and leave me.
I really feel it is time for him to make a decision here. Or am I just being impatient?
So today I am back to not wanting to push my H to file. I sent him a text message to apologize for the pissy voice mail I left yesterday.
Honestly, what is wrong with me? One day I just want things to be over and the next I'm prepared to wait a little longer. I'm curious. Of those whose WASs came back, did you feel like this right before they finally came home?
I think the fact that the 4th of July is coming up is making me all the more crazy--we started dating 9 years ago on the 3rd so the holiday has always been important. If my H and I don't do something together on that date I've gotta make plans to get out of town. Staying in DC for the 4th without him will just be too hard.
Lately the weather in DC has been rain, rain and more rain. Oh, and flooding and thunder and lightning for good measure. Now I love a good storm and I've realized that the weather is having an impact on my mood and is really making me miss my H--we used to watch storms together.
So after getting pissy with my H and then feeling bad and sending a text to apologize I now feel like a huge b!&ch. It turns out that my H has been sick. While I was at work last night he left a message to say he's been sick all weekend and then this am called to say he called in sick to work today.
After we spoke this morning I called him right back to tell him that if he needed anything to let me know. In the past I have been less than sympathetic when he's been sick. As I almost never get sick I would often accuse him of faking. Perhaps he was but I now realize that even if he was faking he still deserved to be babied and taken care of. I should have see that it was actually a good sign--his willingness to be vulnerable.
Saw my H tonight for the first time since his month-long trip.
He was able see some of the changes I made to our apartment--I completely redecorated the bedroom, painted and hung new curtains and put up some pictures. He was really impressed. Our failure to decorate was something that was an issue for him. I didn't particularly care but it bothered him immensely so it was a very big deal for me to do this.
He also got to see my (our?) new car. We discussed it before he left and then while he was gone I got a new car. Our old one was eight year old and definitely rough around the edges--it made noises every time I used it. I had gotten used to its quirks and it didn't bother me but it really, really stressed my H out. I told him I understood that certain things bothered him that didn't bother me and that it wasn't fair of me to belittle his concerns--a major step for me and I think it meant a lot to him.
As my H has been sick I told him that we didn't need to have any big talk. (And frankly I really didn't want to get into things.) I said that if he didn't want to get a D we could just start spending more time together. Then I told him that I wanted to be able for us to spend time together and for it not to always be emotional. I just wanted to spend time being happy with him.
In the end we discussed things a little.
H: I'm really scared to make a mistake and I'm tired of hurting you and hurting other people. M: Other people? H: People who have been supportive. H: I feel like we're right back where we were a year ago (after his first A and before his second A.) M: We're not in the same place. We've grown. Then I blamed you for everything. Now I understand that I'm equally to blame. And I'm not mad at you.
Later he said while he was in the midst of his trip and was traveling from one country to the next to the next and finding himself feeling lost and scared and short on cash he thought of me and missed me. Then he told me it said a lot that it was me he thought to turn to when he was feeling that way.
We ended up ML and agreed to take some time to see how things go. H asked me not to push him too fast. He pointed out that the phone message I left when I couldn't get ahold of him was "the same old Xxx" I said I was sorry for the message and said the old me wouldn't have apologized and realized that it was unacceptable behavior. He agreed more or less.
He said he needs time and he doesn't want to make any promises. I said I understood and would do my best to give him space. So I guess I need to be kept on a short DB leash for a little while.
Anyway, I will post more later but that's the basic gist.
On a funny side note, my H gave me a bag filled with about $20 in change he's probably been accumulating since he moved out. He never really used coins (I think for some odd reason they confused my otherwise brilliant H despite having lived in the US for the past nine years.)
Usually I would take his coins and use them as he accumulated them so they never reached a critical mass.
I guess it just goes to show that we all touch our S's lives and work in synch in so many ways without ever realizing or appreciating how special it is.
SS, it's so great to see your progress. You and your H really accomplished a lot in one night. I hope that you CAN "take it slow" and that your H slowly comes around. All the best ... RB
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
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