Absolutely, I don't think I've ever seen it boiled down to just that. Thank you for the positive note.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Believe me, I have a hard time remaining optimistic about things too. That's why I made it a daily goal. I'm just so tired of things being difficult all the time. I thought it couldn't hurt to try to see even the worst crap as having at least a little good.
This morning I got a call from my H bright and early to arrange a swap of financial documents. He gave me his paycheck I gave him his new checks and bank cards. It was very odd. I called him when I got close to his office and he was standing outside waiting when I got there. I pulled up in my car, rolled down the window and handed a packet to him. He handed me an envelope. We exchanged a few brief words. I drove off.
Man, I felt like I was making a covert drop-off.
So I'm going to need some suggestions as to how I can show him I've made positive changes if these are my only interactions. This morning when he called I did manage to hang up so quick that he had to call me right back to ask a second question but that's not quite going to cut if I want to show him I'm not the horrible person he imagines.
Here's another question. I think tomorrow is my SIL's birthday. It's either tomorrow or March 17. She does not particularly like me and I suspect actively lobbies my H against me but I still think it would be nice to send her an e-card. I figured I'd write something like. "I was looking at the calendar and I seemed to remember it was your Birthday. Happy 26th Birthday. (Then again my memory is failing and I could be a month off--oops.) Anyway hope you have a great day."
Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I want to be able to show my H that I do care about his family because he cares about them. (Even though my MIL and SIL have not been that nice or friendly to me.) My relationship with them has been a pretty big factor in our M being on the rocks. They are constantly putting my H in a position where he has to choose them or me. I can accept that I am never going to win but it irritates me that they are constantly making him choose. It's not healthy.
But back to the positive, I'm slowly trying to work toward some semblance of order in my work space. I haven't been a full-time reporter for almost two years and I'm only just getting the files I brought home under control. Feng Shui makes a big deal about clutter being a negative. I left my job because it was driving me crazy and then I brought all that negative energy home with me and have let it just sit and stew for two years. Goodbye clutter. If I can let go of my H not being the man I thought I can certainly let go of files I haven't used in all this time.
SS- I don't know if i have any good suggestions on how to make the most of your brief interactions with your H. I would definitely say that being happy and upbeat will probably help, as well as not discussing the R and fighting about whatever. Let him contact you...don't call him. Its hard, trust me. But, you can do it and it helps. Don't think i am crazy, but for the past several months, i keep a log of the contact that i have with my H. So, every day, i write down if we spoke and who contacted who. I reviewed it last night and realized that my H is the one who does the majority (like 99%) of the initiating. And, its nice. Deciding not to call him helped me to gain some control over the situation.
I am sure your H is angry that you moved back home, "forcing" him to move out. My H did the same thing...it won't last. I think it might be an ego/pride thing.
RE: your SIL issue...i don't know what to do...thats a tough one b/c i get along with my SIL...well, one of them anyway. Now that i think about it, i didn't contact the SIL i don't get along with for her birthday this past year. The year before i did, b/c my H and I weren't separated yet. So, thats a tough call. What is your reason for doing it, if you did it? Is it genuine? Or are you doing it for your H? I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you are only doing it to show your H that you do care about them, then i wouldn't do it, especially if you are not sure of her actual birth date. Nevertheless, its a tough call.
I hope that you have a good weekend. Doing anything fun? Remember to take care of yourself...do something you normally wouldn't do. Enjoy yourself!
Well attempts to remain positive have escaped me today. I'm just so tired and I just don't see any hope. I feel like I am just prolonging my misery and nothing is working. I don't contact him and I haven't been pursuing him and that suits him just fine.
I made the mistake of looking at the phone bill and noticed how many times he has called OW#2. He's said they're just dating and that it isn't sexual but only an idiot would believe that. I mean this is not his first A. It's his second.
This week I'm going to see a lawyer and I'm seriously thinking of just filing and getting it over with. There's no waiting period to file on grounds of adultery in VA and I can name both the home-wrecking b!tches as co-defendants. Then they can see if my H was worth it.
You know, these WAS's are warped. In fact my H. probably doesn't even consider anyone he dates right now to be yet another "affair" because he feels it's ok to see other women while we are separated (not legally though). He thinks he's single right now. Unreal.
If you file, are you ok with going the route of adultery? The only reason I ask is because of what NY S posted about all these D. laws and such. I worry that it would be costly for you to file that kind of charge against your H. and I wonder if maybe you could mediate or something less expensive? I just don't want to see you drain yourself financially. We are in different states so maybe it is easier for you than it would be for me. I don't know. If you see a lawyer I'd be interested in hearing what he/she had to say, if you feel up to sharing it.
My heart goes out to you, super. I don't know what these men are thinking. Hugs, Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Thanks for checking in on me. I'm not filing for D. I'm just so tired of being unhappy and I feel I need to do something to avoid being in this no man's land.
All this DBing didn't work. I guess I was looking around here and not seeing to much positive going on. Yes it's great to GAL and to detach, drop the rope, etc. But, if it isn't working then it's time to try another tactic. As much as it is non-DBing, I got my H back the last time by calling him and seeing him. I wish I had never moved out for that month and given him space. People break up because they don't spend enough time together. What we really need is to spend more time together so he can see the positive side of me. So I'm going to call him every day and stop by his office, and generally do whatever it takes to see him.
I guess that's why I had to leave these boards. There is so much talk about letting them come to you and do the chasing. But somebody has to do the chasing and if my H isn't then I am going to have to do that work. And I guess I feel like these boards have become more about getting to a point in your life where you can move on without your spouse. I don't want to get to that point. I want to get my H back.
I totally understand how you feel about DB'ing. I have questioned some of the tactics myself. In my case, there have been times I really SHOULD have picked up when my H. was calling me, but I was trying to put distance there, be mysterious, wait a few hours and call him back later, etc. I screwed up a few times by playing it this way.
You do what you have to do. Leave no stone unturned. If you have to try something else, do it. You don't want to ever doubt that you didn't try everything. I am behind you.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I totally understand what you are saying. But, i don't know what the right thing to do is. I did the begging and pleading and it didn't work. I tried not pursuing...that didn't work either. Although, I don't think that i really did all of the DBing techniques.
I was thinking this morning that maybe I should have expressed myself more. I remember, after I moved back home and my H moved out, that we had a conversation and he asked me why i never called him to tell him that i missed him or invite him to the house. I wonder, sometimes, if that is what i should have been doing. But, i guess its too late now...the papers are already done.
There is no exact science. I think that you have to do what you believe, in your heart, is the right thing to do. You know your H...what do you think he would be more receptive to? I think that we just have to keep trying different things until we find the right combination.
Regardless, SS, you have been working to save your M. That is commendable.
