Thank you guys so much for your support. It means the world to me...i don't know what i would do without you all. These boards have truly been a godsend.
I got the papers on Friday...they were delivered by messenger. Wow, reading them, i felt like i was hit by a ton of bricks. It was quite surreal. I am not looking forward to the next few days. Monday i will call a lawyer and meet with him as soon as possible. I mean, the things my H wrote were horrible. But, there were some things that just were completely wrong...like that we had separated in 2003...it was 2004. So, i clearly will not sign the papers as they are written. I just never knew my H hated me so much. Kind of an eye-opener. And stupid me, still loves him and makes all kinds of excuses for him. Unbelievable!
My parents came up last night. We sat up and talked until almost 1am...i told them a lot about how i have been feeling. It was kind of good to get it off my chest...i talked about all of you guys too! I didn't tell them that i got the papers. I knew they would want to read them, and i didn't want them to. For 2 reasons: i knew it would hurt them, and i was trying to protect my H...why do i keep doing that? I try not to think about what the papers say, but its hard. I can't believe my H would even tell me not to obsess over them. What? Ummm, okay. God,what is wrong with him?
Went apartment hunting today...saw 3. All will accept my cat, thankfully. But, they were a little too expensive. I can't decide if it would be better for me to be in an apartment complex or a multi-family house. I imagine a complex would give me an opportunity to meet more people. But, i think you get more in a house. So, i don't know what to do. I was very discouraged. The nicest place was also the most expensive. I can't even believe i have to do this. I don't know what the hell i am even supposed to look for. I hate to say it, but i've been spoiled. And this is all new to me. And, it sucks!
Thanks again guys...reading your posts made me cry, but in a good way. Because it feels really good to have people who don't know me, but really know more about me than others, be there for me in my time of need. And, if nothing else, this experience has restored my faith in the human race, b/c of everybody here and their selflessness. I am eternally grateful to all of you.
Flutter...i will definitely send you an email. Next weekend could work. I do think Teterboro is in Bergen County. But, we can work out the specifics.
I am glad you posted tonight and I am so, so sorry for what you are dealing with. Good for you---don't sign anything you are uncomfortable with. You are smart and sure of yourself. You are going to be ok, I know it. You didn't mention the open house and if it's still on for tomorrow; if so, I hope that it goes smoothly and that you get through it without too much trouble. I know that sounds like a stupid thing to say to you right now, but I mean it with a lot of caring for you. Please plan something for YOU after that tomorrow night to help you feel better. Again, no matter what happens, we are going to both be all right. I still have no idea what's going to end up happening to me, but I am going to be darn sure I can take care of myself in the end. I have to, and so do you. Glad to hear that you found apts. that will take kitty. That is so important, I know. This is a bumpy stretch but you will ride it out. Take care of yourself this weekend and post again soon. Hugs, Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
if nothing else, this experience has restored my faith in the human race, b/c of everybody here and their selflessness.
I can honestly say that this site has made me believe that there really are people out there that won't give up, that will grow, and learn, and are striving to see the truth in themselves and simultaneously treat others with compassion.
I have wondered how I will ever trust anyone after being betrayed by my to best friends, and you all remind me dailt that there are amazing people out there.
Monday morning...a new week. I am so tired. Not looking forward to this week at all. Open house yesterday...got there as it was ending. God, its hard to see a sign on the front lawn of my house, knowing that there will be no new house with my H after this. Did see H yesterday. He called me on his way home from the airport..i was on my way to the house to bring my cats back. H and i talked a bit. He was telling me about his terrible flight home, and that he really didn't enjoy himself in Florida b/c he was so sick. He said "i know what you're thinking." And i said "what?" He said "you're thinking 'good for you'." I said maybe not before, but certainly after receiving the papers. He said "oh, you got them." I said "yes. i didn't realize you hated me so much." He said he didn't hate me. I told him there were things in there that weren't even true, like that we separated in 2003. He said, "i'll change whatever you want." We talked for a bit afterwards. I was being kind of standoffish with him. He hugged me and said "i don't hate you" and then started crying. I told him that i love him and that i would do anything to make this up to him. Gave him the usual speech. Doesn't seem to matter what i said b/c i don't think it makes a difference to him. I did tell him how i thought that he was going to wait until May to file. He said "you should've asked." And i said "you should've told me." He said "told you what?" And i said "umm, told me you saw a lawyer, so i could have been a bit more prepared." He proceeded to say how he had to put something down as the reason for the D and i told him no, he didn't. And he said, "well, what was supposed to say 'oh, it just didn't work'?" And i told him no, that he could have waited until May and filed based on an 18 month separation and he said he still had to put something and i said that no, he didn't, if he had waited until May, it would have been no-fault and there wouldn't need to be anything else. He didn't respond to that. I know i have to call a lawyer, but i just can't. I don't have the energy. This is all just coming so quickly, and all at once. Selling our house and D all at the same time...it is very anxiety producing. I told him how this whole thing just doesn't make any sense...that he can tell me he misses me and how a big piece of him still wants this to work, but then he goes and files. And, how we are both so miserable being apart. I hate this. I have no energy whatsoever. I haven't felt this bad in a very long time. I will see him on Wednesday - we are getting our taxes done. I don't know if there will be any R talk then...probably not. I guess if he doesn't change his mind, i will call a lawyer on Thursday to file my response. Not looking forward to any of this.
Just really tired right now. At work, and i can't wait to go home and just sleep.
I am so sorry for all you are dealing with right now, and believe me, I understand that feeling of just wanting to make it through the workday so you can go home and sleep. I’ve been there many a time. I’m actually hoping the open house didn’t go well, for your sake. What would happen if the house didn’t sell? Try not to think about needing to call a lawyer today. Just give yourself some time here; don’t rush anything. I wish I knew how to advise you right now, but I don’t. I hope someone else comes on and posts more about this. I have seen lawyers for free consultations but that is all so far. One of the things I did last week was to buy an inexpensive but pretty and resourceful organizer so that I could keep track of any appointments, phone numbers, contacts, etc. in regards to my own situation (especially if mediation comes into it). Do you have something like this? I would get something just to take with you and help you have a place to jot down what you need, keep track of stuff. Mine is helpful. Imdi, you are going to be ok. Please know that. I know right now it doesn’t feel that way AT ALL but you will be ok. Believe in yourself; you have done everything you can and you are so strong. I will check back with you. Hugs.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I have read a book which advices you to agree with your H.. If you want me to e-mail it to you then let me know your e-mail address.. Basically if your H says I want a divorce, stop disagreeing with him, stop trying to get him to hold off or change his mind.. Agree with him, ' say yes, ok I agree with you it is for the best, i agree with your reasons to Divorce. I dont think we can work it out'....
And then dont say anything else... Just be very pleasant and happy around him. Dont talk about your R, and whatever comments your H makes just agree with him...
You should try it........I really do think it may make your H sit back a bit and think ' whats going on here...she wants to D me?'''
The whole thing is just so overwhelming. I can't wait too long before contacting a lawyer...i have to respond to his complaint for divorce within 35 days of being served. My original plan was to call a lawyer today to get an appointment. But, i just don't think that i can do that...not today anyway. I just feel terrible. And i wish it would stop.
c1t - I would definitely take a look at that book you are referring to. You can email me at lmdi99@hotmail.com. Thank you.
I don't know what the right thing to do anymore is. I feel like nothing i do will help. Talking with my parents this weekend was good b/c i think they now understand how i am feeling (i didn't tell them that i got the papers though). But, i keep having these doubts about everything he says, and everything he has said. I feel like everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. And if i think that, then how can i even consider getting back with him. Like yesterday, he called me on his way home from the airport and i asked him where he was...he said he was on the Parkway. Then he said, if you want to wait like 15 or 20 minutes and then leave to bring back the cats, i'll meet you and help you bring them in. I guess he misunderstood me b/c i was already on my way to our house. When i got there, he was there already. So, there was really no way he could have been on the Parkway when he called me. So, i don't know why he would have lied about that...makes no sense. He did say, when i got to the house, that he didn't think i wanted to see all of the open house stuff (the realtor, the people there, etc). So, maybe he was trying to protect me. But, still, there was no way he could have been where he said he was. And, last Monday night, he called me at 11:30 pm. I asked him what he did all day and he said he had been doing stuff around the house in preparation for the open house (like painting and spackling, etc. - which i don't understand b/c he had originally been looking to hire someone to do that). Anyway, yesterday when i was at the house i noticed that there were some things that he should have attended to had he been doing the work he said he was doing that day. So, he lied again. My question is why? I know it shouldn't matter and that i will never know the answer. But, i keep thinking that if he can lie to me about something so minor, then he can lie about anything, and i believe him. My parents were saying all kinds of things as well, things that he has said over the past few years that just seem so out of character for the person i thought he was. And i just don't who the real one is...the one i knew for 8 years, or this one that i've known for the past 2+.
I don't know if his behavior and the lying is unique to him. It seems, when i read these boards, that the behaviors of the WAH's are all so similar. And i do take some comfort in that (not that i want anyone else to go through this, but it certainly makes me feel less alone and makes me feel like perhaps he isn't as horrible as people portray him to be...that he is just caught up in something). Anyway, i know this post is all over the place. I just feel so discouraged about the whole thing. And sometimes i feel stupid for actually believing him. Lying is one thing, but faking concern and love is another. But, do they go hand in hand? I don't know if any of this makes any sense, but this whole situation makes no sense to me.
My H. has done the lying for no apparent reason thing too. I’ve spent far too much time trying to make sense out of some of his mistruths that I’ve discovered. Sometimes I can make a logical conclusion, other times not. We (you and I) may never really get to the bottom of it. All I can say is they must have their own reasons for lying to us; probably partly to protect us from some source of hurt, and partly to protect themselves from looking guilty and heinous.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hi lmdi I empathize with your feelings so much. I too feel like I am not sure what to believe and what not to believe about my H and who I thought he was anymore. I was wondering what you meant when you referred to your parents saying things your H has said that are inconsistant with who you always believed him to be... Were the things they referred to said AFTER your H started to change (2+ years ago right?) or were they even before that? Just trying to clarify whether what they told you made you believe more that he is giong thru something or question more who he was from the start. It is so difficult to know what to believe, and - I am sure you will understand this - it feels like my trust is just broken. So sad to feel that way. I know this might be of little real solace, but your H has no idea how lucky he is to have someone love him the way that you do, despite all he puts you through. You always consider his feelings, even when he is not considering yours at all. You will be ok in the end, because you did the right thing - you had faith in the man you loved and you fought for your marriage. So it will ultimately be him who loses out, not you, if he doesn't come to his senses in time. Hang in there, you've come a long way, and I know I have said this before - but it may be time for you to try the last resort technique. c1t's suggestion about agreeing with him could well work, check that book out. Oh and could you pass the title of it my way??? Thanks. Take care.
