Hey lmdi I identify with alot of what you are saying because it seems like you know exactly what you have to do but cannot seem to bring yourself to do it, and that is exactly what I am experiencing right now. I am finding it a bit easier lately b/c lately he doesn't really bother much with me (since my genius idea to tell him I liked another guy at one point!!), and when that is the case I am fine doing the NC thing. The hard part is when they seem flirty or friendly or even come out and say / do things that make us think they might be snapping out of the fog they are in!! I still get way too emotional, and say / do things w/o thinking them through, so I guess that means detachment has not yet happened. Just not sure how to get it to happen though! I know you have been seperated for over a year now, and that in recent months at least, you guys have been ML and chatting and whatnot - were there any periods of less contact, and if so how did you deal with them as compared to the other times, when your H was more responsive? I am right next to Jersey City - can you give me an idea of where would be best for you to hang out? I prefer nights as then I don't really miss any QT eith my daughter, or Sunday afternoons my H has her, but whatever works for you. Just let me know and we will set something up!!
were there any periods of less contact, and if so how did you deal with them as compared to the other times, when your H was more responsive?
Good question. My separation has been different than other people's, i think, for a few reasons. One, when we first separated, it was something that we had agreed on in MC. And the terms of the "therapeutic separation" were that we would continue MC and go on weekly dates. We did this and talked regularly. After about 6 weeks of separation, my H decided that he didn't want to be without me, so we really started to work on the M, with the intention of reconciling. There were some things that happened that became obstacles, but we worked through them and continued on our road to recovery. We reconciled last May, but it lasted about a week, before my H moved out. Even after that, we had regular contact, although he was very angry with me for "forcing" him to leave. After 2 1/2 months, he moved home and i moved out again. And we went back to our weekly dating (no MC though), although we also saw a mediator. We did this for about 2 months before my H said he couldn't "do this anymore" and that we "needed" to get D. Things were tense b/w us for the next 2 months, but we still had almost daily contact. In November, after we signed our separation agreement, i felt that things changed between us...there was much less tension and the wall wasn't there anymore. We saw each other more as well. All the while though, we have had almost daily contact. I don't think we have ever gone more than 4 or 5 days without talking. So, our contact since this whole nightmare started has been pretty consistent. Recently, my H and i didn't talk for 2 days, and he called me at work to find out if i was still alive...like it bothered him that i hadn't called him. It was probably in October, after getting DR, that i decreased the frequency of the calls i made to my H. I keep a log of our daily contacts (yes, a little nutty, but i needed to keep track of our progress) - and i can honestly say that 95% of our contacts have been initiated by him. I get the usual call of "just checking in." And then, probably every other week, i get a late night phone call b/c he doesn't feel well, or can't sleep, or is upset.
Given all of the contact that we have, it has been difficult for me to come to grips with the fact that we were getting D. Two weeks ago he was telling me how there is still a big part of him that wants to be with me. So, he is confusing, to say the least.
Sorry, that was kind of a long-winded answer to your question.
RE: getting together - i am pretty flexible, so you let me know what would be easier for you with your daughter. And also, where you would want to meet. I must admit, i know very little about Hudson County. Maybe there is someplace in the middle? Let me know.
Feeling very melancholy this morning. Spent most of last night in bed. I am just dreading the receipt of the D papers. Not only b/c i had hoped this wouldn't happen, but it means that i have to get a lawyer and respond to his claims. And i just don't feel emotionally ready to do that. And i hoping that this doesn't turn into a battle. I have spent most of the past 2 years, being quiet, and not challenging my H at all. But, i don't think that i can let this go. I can't believe that he would say such horrible things about me. For one, he is always telling me how wonderful and sweet i am and what a good person i am. Two, he has told me numerous times over the past several months how he had gotten past all of that stuff that had brought us to counseling - he has said that we were on a path to recovery, and even said that last year he was thinking of having us renew our vows. And three, if i am sooo cruel, then how can he tell me how much he misses me and ML to me. I know that i shouldn't listen to what he says, etc. And i can't attach my own meaning to what he says and does. But, if thats the case, then how the hell am i supposed to know what to do? I want to continue to have hope for us, but i don't know if i am being stupid. The whole thing is so confusing. Sometimes i don't know if i am coming or going. I'm not looking forward to this weekend...our first open house is on Sunday. I don't think that our house will be on the market for long. And i am just having such a hard time with all of this. I have no idea where my H is planning on living. And i just don't want this. I am so tired. I just wish i could go to sleep and wake up and have everything be done, whatever the resolution is going to be. I am not sure how much more of this i can take. And, i must say, i think it is kind of funny that my H tells me not to obsess over the D papers...what? What does he think i was going to do? Unbelievable.
just checked your thread. I am so extremely sorry that you have to go through this. Life just does not seem fair at times.
Please know that I am sending lots of positive energy your way!
Don't let your H's confusion and messed up life determine your self worth. As many others have commented already: HE is the one with the problem. I can only imagine what he wrote in those papers. I think though it is just an example of how all over the place your H is. He is hurt and confused and just messed up right now.
He might never get his act together. Either way you need to take care of yourself and part of that is not letting his craziness put you in the role of a victim. Dont give him that power ! (He probably would not want it anyway!)
I know, I know... easy to say when it is not your life! I ahve mentioned this book/website before. Not sure if you have checked it out. It might give you some strenght during this difficult time: www.divorceasfriends.com
((((((LMDI))))))
brava
Me: 36 He: 34 no kids Married: 2000 He left: July 05
Thanks brava- I did check out that website today...thank you for the suggestion. It says a lot of things that make sense. I have been trying to let go, but it is so hard. I am hoping that one day this will hurt less. Right now, i can't imagine that day ever coming.
I keep hoping that my H is confused. It just doesn't make much sense to me. I thought that maybe ow was pressuring him to file, so he did so she would get off his back. I can't imagine that he actually thinks that i will sign the papers as they are written. Perhaps he wants me to contest it, so he can make me the bad guy in the eyes of the ow. I don't know...the whole thing is just so exhausting. And i know that this is all speculation and that what he does and says shouldn't matter. I wish it didn't. There has to be a reason for this. I am hoping that it becomes clear to me soon. And i hope that this pain will subside. Right now, i don't think it could get any worse.
No real plans for the weekend. I was looking forward to going home today, checking on my cats, and then just relaxing. No such luck...my mother is coming up tonight. I just have no desire to entertain anyone. I am going to look at an apartment tomorrow morning...its too expensive, but i have to start somewhere. I sent a bunch of emails today to other people as well, so i will see what happens. I just can't believe that i have to be doing this. The whole thing is so unreal. I guess, though, that i have to accept the reality of what is happening. Sunday is the open house...not looking forward to that either. My H really could have planned things a little better...i mean, selling the house and filing the D papers all at the same time...its a little too much to handle. I am just so sad for the loss of so many things. And i wish with all my heart that i could go back and change things. But, i know that i can't. I just wish my H loved me enough and was committed enough to our M to stick it out. But, i guess he feels that he will happier with ow (and her 2 kids). The whole thing is unbelieveable...did i say that already? I just can't believe that this is my life. How do i let go? I am so used to having my H there. I mean, i know that our R has been different for quite a while now, but i always knew he was there, and i always believed that i could call him up, and he would be there for me. Now, though, i really don't think that is going to happen. I doubt the ow is going to allow him to be friends with me. And it just hurts, really bad, right down to the core of my being. It just isn't fair. Its not fair for any of us. I am amazed sometimes at the number of people who go through this, and the insensitivity of these WAS'. What happens to them that they go through this, and cause so much pain to so many other people? I wish that i could get to a place where i felt content at least. Not necessarily happy, not yet anyway. But, just to a point of acceptance of this is how my life is going to be. I can't. I try to force myself to think "i'll be okay. i'll get a new place to live. i'll meet new people. i will only have to be responsible for myself and my cat." And for a second, i actually believe myself. And then the reality of that comes crashing down and i realize that i don't want to be alone...or rather, i don't want to be without my H, the man that i chose to spend my life with, whom i thought would never want to live without me. What happened to promises and vows? I am not perfect, nobody is. But, i loved my H. I believed that we had a good life. We enjoyed each other's company. I would do anything for just one more night to lay on the couch with him, watching television, and then go to bed and sleep next to him, to wake up with him by my side, smiling like he used to. Is that too much to ask? I just wanted my life to be normal. I wanted it to be how i had planned it to be. And now, all of those plans have gone up in smoke. Is it the end of my life? No, of course not. But, it is the end of a life that i thought i would have. Its hard to let go of those plans, of those thoughts of spending your life with one person, only to have that changed, without your permission. I guess it was too much to ask...to be loved, unconditionally. Does that ever happen? Does anyone ever have a happy ending?
Ok. He filed. But you are going to be OK. Do you hear me? You are going to be OK!!! You and I have been in limbo for too long. You, especially. We cannot keep doing this, Imdi. I am scared. I know you are too. But we have rights, we will be protected (you'll see when you get your lawyer), and we have to go on as though our H's are not going to get their act together.
I was driving back home today and do you know what I thought about? My H. has absolutely NO CLASS whatsoever. The things he has done are enough to stop me right in my tracks. Mind you, he did at one time exibit a lot of class. But he has NONE right now. And it struck me that I can do better than that. My point is that so can you. We both love our H's very much and you know what? That isn't going to change. That is one thing they cannot take away from us. But we do both deserve better than this. It won't be easy. I am not going to pretend that things are not going to get harder first. They are. But we are doing this together and we will make it.
Please try to enjoy your visit with your mom. I don't know what your relationship with her is like, but lean on her if you can.
When you are by yourself, have a good, long cry and let it all out. Then post again if you need to. We are here for you, ok? You are not going through this alone, I promise.
Think like a butterfly, Imdi. Rebirth. Change. Beauty. We're getting there.
Love, Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Sorry to hear about all that you are going through. And sorry I haven't been around this past week to offer more support. I wish I had some great advice to give but I don't. This really just sucks. But at least you have fought for your M and given your best effort to make things right when so many others just give up. That has to count for something.
Hi lmdi. I know , it is so difficult to believe that these WASs can just one day up and become someone else. And it leaves us questioning everything we thought we always knew. The ways in which they act just SCREAM that something is really wrong with them. Not necessarily forever, but for right now anyway, and for an indefinite period of time. Meanwhile we are stuck here worrying about when. It is not fair, you are absolutely right. But one thing that i try to do that helps me get through is not to dwell on those kinds of thoughts. They are true and real, yes, but there are other ways to look at it that hurt less. For me, I try to focus on what his pain is, b/c when I think of it as a personal thing, which I do at times but usually not for long, it just hurts too too much. I try to remember that the H I knew wouldn't treat me this way. And beyond not wanting to be with us - perhaps if it were that cut and dry, with them being very clear and open and honest, rather than hot and cold, lying, disrespectful, that might be easier to swallow. But the truth is, that our Hs are not acting like normal, well adjusted people who maybe just fell out of love. They clearly do not know WHAT is going on, and drag us along for their confused ride. Which is why I focus on that, because to think that my H is OK would mean he is just cruel, and that thought would hurt too badly. Though this is not what we planned, this is what we got, and i agree with Hope's post - butterflies. Perhaps when we as LBSs can truly focus on our own growth and positive change, and let our WASs FINALLY start worrying about their own issues, that is when they might start to change too. Perhaps. God there is that detachment thing again!! So much easier said than done. As for meeting up, we don't have to meet in Hudson County if you don't want, Bergen county is fine with me. I actually work in Bergen county (at least I THINK it is Bergen!! LOL) I work in Teterboro. Send me an email - maryellen1425@yahoo.com and maybe we can set something up for next weekend. Could be fun! Hang in there, it will get easier, just like it always does after it gets worse!!!
Life just does not seem fair at times.