Don't mind me. I am all over the place lately. I made myself feel bad on the sword of your words. Think nothing of it. I hope you are well and wish you a happy...well...you know...
Thankd flutter- Your post did make a lot of sense. And you are right...I don't want to necessarily win my H back...b/c there are certainly aspects of him and our M that i don't want back. Maybe i haven't really been DBing, even though i think that i have. Its just so hard to know what is right. Sometimes, i keep things in b/c letting them out would be bad DBing...but, there are times when i just want to scream out what i want to say. And sometimes i get tired of just doing what seems like the right thing to do.
I don't know. The whole detaching thing is scary to me. B/c i am not sure if i will do it right. But, what do i have to lose, really? Not much.
Anyway, i will check in with you. Thanks for posting.
Hey hope- Thanks for the offer of wine...it would have been nice.
I was thinking of almost the same thing...how do we be happy when all we want is for our H's to be with us. I know that they are not our lives...but, when i got married, our lives did intertwine...does that make sense? How do you go from planning your life to be one way - with your H - to planning it to be a completely unexpected way? I am not prepared for this, b/c i never thought i would have to be. The whole thing just really sucks!
I hope you enjoyed your snow...my school was closed yesterday, so it was a nice 3 day weekend. Just trying to get through this evil holiday today...
SS- Feel free to lash me with the wet noodle. Its funny you should say something about a self-fulfilling prophecy...my H always used to say that to me. Sometimes, though, i just feel too sorry for myself. I will try to be better about that. I was trying to be more positive, as negativity only breeds more negativity. Sometimes, though, i just get tired of that. But, i promise, i will try to be less negative.
Hey TTS- Happy to hear from you...i was getting worried. Thank you so much for your very kind words. I will try to start thinking more positively, as i told SS. Its just hard to do, when the person i thought would love me forever just doesn't anymore.
I was thinking of almost the same thing...how do we be happy when all we want is for our H's to be with us. I know that they are not our lives...but, when i got married, our lives did intertwine...does that make sense? How do you go from planning your life to be one way - with your H - to planning it to be a completely unexpected way? I am not prepared for this, b/c i never thought i would have to be. The whole thing just really sucks!
Imdi,
I completely agree with you. This is a huge mental block to me too. When I got married, I did not do it because I wanted my W to be a placeholder until the REAL right woman came along. I got married and started my "intertwined" life with the woman I loved. Now I am expected to just understand all this and make myself ok with it?
As for your fear of detachment, I understand that too but if you remember my thread awhile back when NYS and I were going back and forth, you should remember that detachment does not mean you stop caring. It does not mean you stop loving. It just means you stop giving in to the self defeating reactions to his "stuff". I found that the few times I have been successful in detaching from my W's issues and emotions since this began, I was BETTER able to be there for her and more importantly, be there for ME. She noticed too because my normal "puppy dog waiting for a bone" routine was not there. I don't know what she thought of it, but I bet it was not negative. Really, detaching in your case just means to stop hanging on every thing he does. It's the hardest thing we have to do, but one of the most beneficial, for all involved. Give it a test run. Figure out were you are emotionally right now then tell yourself that no matter what he says or does next time you see him, you will not react. You will only validate and maintain your center. Don't let him "take" you anywhere emotionally. It takes practice, and I sure as hell don't do well with it, but I know what I need to do and I am doing better. Action is the key with all this. You know that and so do I. I have faith. You can do it.
H did call about 8:30 Saturday night...we chatted for a few minutes. He called again on Sunday afternoon. He called about 10:00 Sunday night, on his way home from a friend's house. He was complaining that his back hurt from shoveling. He called me again when he got home. He wanted me to go to our house to rub his back. I didn't tell him no, but i didn't go. He called me Monday afternoon. He said that i had been very short with him on Sunday night and wasn't very sympathetic to his back pain. He said he felt like i had dismissed him and it brought back bad memories. He asked me if i was mad at him...i said no. I told him that i hadn't meant to be dismissive with him. He called me last night about 11:00. He said "you didn't call me back." I asked him when he called and he said had called me at 9:00...told him i didn't know that. He said that i was being weird with him...that sunday night i had been dismissive and then didn't return his call last night. I apologized and told him i would have called him back. That was about it.
So, WTF? I mean, really, what does he want from me? I guess this could be me going dim or detaching or dropping the rope. And he immediately reacts to it. Very interesting. Its hard to do, though, b/c my nature is to try to make things better. Oh, he also brought up yesterday afternoon how he had sent me an email last week that i never responded to. I told him i hadn't gotten an email from him and asked him when he sent it. He said he couldn't remember. I told him if it was on Friday, i didn't get it b/c i left work early.
Anyway, i just thought this behavior was very interesting. I am getting a reaction out of him, so maybe this whole DBing thing is working!
Thanks so much GH... I will have to read that interchange you had with NYS. But, i am glad that i am not the only one having trouble with the detaching. I guess it is a delicate balance...to continue to love and care for my H, but not react emotionally to him. Gee, its harder than i thought. Its hard to disengage from him, remove the emotionality of our interactions. It is doubly hard for me, b/c i tend to shut down emotionally, so i don't want to do that. But, i have to try to stop basing my everyday existence on my H's mood. But, i think its kind of normal too. Even when things are going good in a M, i think its normal to be sensitive to what your spouse is feeling and to adjust yourself accordingly. I mean, lets say your spouse gets fired, you're not gonna be running around, jumping for joy, being all happy. No, you're gonna feel for him or her, and be sad right along with him or her.
Detachment is obtained with practice, but I think one of the major obstacles people here have with detachment is that they don't appear to have a clear understanding of what it is.
"I mean, lets say your spouse gets fired, you're not gonna be running around, jumping for joy, being all happy. No, you're gonna feel for him or her, and be sad right along with him or her."
That's "empathy" you're describing.
"Its hard to disengage from him, remove the emotionality of our interactions."
The disengaging is not to remove emotions, but knee-jerk emotional reactions that are not healthy for you.
When you practice detachment in any relationship, you not only free yourself up from being under their influence so that you can center yourself on yourself, you free them up from your control as well. Detachment is a part of loving unconditionally.
This is from coping.org about "Detachment":
Detachment is the:
Ability to allow people, places, or things the freedom to be themselves.
Holding back from the need to rescue, save, or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional, or irrational.
Giving another person "the space" to be him or herself.
Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place, or thing.
Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern, and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, or controlling.
Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
Ability to allow people to be who they "really are'' rather than who you "want them to be.''
Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
If you are unable to detach from people, places, or things, then you:
Will have people, places, or things which become over-dependent on you.
Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places, or with things, which you do not really want to do.
Can become an obsessive "fix it" who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect.
Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places, or things.
Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places, or things whom you have given the power to control you.
Will be blind to the reality that the people, places, or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.
Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places, or things project.
Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places, or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.
Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result.
Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place, or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.
Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.
Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place, or thing.
