Thanks Lisa- I am just having a really hard time with this today b/c it is just new and my emotions are so raw. I am not looking forward to getting those papers and reading them. And then having to get an attorney to respond to them. Just so complicated. And i just don't feel emotionally ready to deal with it all. I wish that my H had let me know that he had seen an attorney, so i could be a bit better prepared. Guess its the coward in him.
I will try to focus on myself and the positives that could come out of this. I am not looking forward to the next few weeks and the emotions that i will be going through. But, things happen for a reason. And hopefully, one day, i will be able to look back and recognize the reason for it. One day, i hope i am no longer so sad.
I really feel for you, I do. It all sounds so familiar, about "never", that he won't be in your life, that he wants to be with the OW. SO when I say this, it's not because I didn't taste my own medicine but because this is the medicine that helps me in a similar situation:
try to recal how many times in your life a situation was looking hopeless and devastating, and yet somehow things turned out for the better? How many times did you say to yourself that you woudn't have luck in something if not for some bad luck before? How many times you lost something and then unexpectedly gained something else that was given to you out of thin air?
Then, try to think of yourself as a person who posess the ability to turn a bad situation to your advantage through say, serendipity. Hold that image of yourself and see what happens.
To get through the darkest period of the night, act as if it is already morning.
The Talmud
he was my soulmate and my best friend and i didn't think it was possible for anybody to love me as much as he did. Where did that all go? What is so wrong with me that he doesn't love me enough to want to work this out and stay with me?
Good Lord, am I listening to myself now?? I know, similarities are no consolation (although if you think about it, it same things happen to other people, maybe the "wrongness" is not so much in you, or them either. Maybe the other spouse has some wrongness in them?) But listen to NYSurvivor.
It's hard to believe that you will survive, I know; but you will. Remember everything you've survived so far. This will make you stronger and a better person, so if anything, you should have more luck in the future than you could have hoped for before it all started.
To get through the darkest period of the night, act as if it is already morning.
The Talmud
Hey lmdi Just wanted to say again that I am in NJ, very close to NYC, and would love to hang out sometime. After all, we have alot in common with all of this DB stuff right? I read everyone's posts to you, and I think they are so right. You need to have a little fun, start to feel alive again. I have a 3 year old so I don't get out as much as might be required to make this easier, but I do make a point of getting out every couple of weeks b/c if I didn't I would go insane. If you would want to get together, just say the word. Perhaps we could enlighten eachother! Does your H know you know about the D papers and if so, have you discussed them together?
Hi again I also want to point out that a D is technically just papers, as is a M. It is the relationship that counts, and it seems like there is still alot of confusion on his part, therefore meaning there are still strong feelings, otherwise he would be pretty certain and probably not talk to you at all. People do reconnect and remarry. Think of the D as an extension of the whole thing that you have already survived. Only now it seems crucial that you make a change. It seems that you guys have been in the same limbo for quite some time. Maybe time for you to take a stand and change YOUR reactions to him. I think that it is safe to say that you really need to commit to the GAL and do some 180s now. I know it is hard and that you are focused on your H now, but try to think of focusing on you as the best, if not the only, way that you might ever be able to "start over" with your H. Let him feel your loss, and lose his comfort zone. Now is the time, lmdi. Make it your final stand. I have recently bought "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson, and though I haven't read most of it yet, I see that the concept is that often times when a LBS begins to use "tough love", the WAS will regain respect for them and see them in a new light. (I have also seen mention of a "Dobson letter" on posts here - can anyone elaborate on that concept?) Shake him up a bit, and reclaim your life. I have a feeling it is just what your H needs!! Like a last resort, ya know? And in the end, the truth is that if you drop the rope and GAL, he will either want you back or at the very least, you will be happier, stronger and more confident. You can do it, lmdi, just take the love you have for your H and use it as your inspiration. It could very well bring your H back, and if not, you will at least be better for it. Hang in there!!
Thanks so much FireDragon - it is very kind of you to reply. You make a good point re: previous times when i thought one thing, and it turned out different than i expected. I guess there is a part of me that knows that i will survive, but the thought of going through the next weeks and months is not very appealing. I think through all of this, the one thing that i hadn't really thought about, was that i would be losing my best friend. And that was a hard thing to swallow. And i don't want to believe that my H has been lying to me for weeks and months. So, i have to keep reminding myself that he did love me, maybe still does, but just can't be with me...sometimes love just ain't enough. This whole thing is just a nightmare, and i wish divorce was never invented!
Hey Flutter- Thanks for your feedback. I would absolutely love to hang out one day or night...lets try to plan it.
My H did call me yesterday afternoon and left me a message, informing me that i might be getting the papers in the mail. He called me last night about 11p, but i didn't hear my phone ring - i must have been dead asleep (took a Xanax). So, i called him this morning on my way to work. He is in Florida right now - i don't think ow is there, or if she is, she's in a different room. Anyway, i told him that i hadn't gotten them and asked him why he didn't tell me when we saw each other on Thursday that he had filed. He said it was b/c he didn't know when the papers would be filed and that he had gotten a message yesterday telling him they had been filed. I told him that i had thought that he was maybe going to wait until May when we were separated 18 months and he said we could talk about that. I asked him what he put as the grounds for D and he told me extreme cruelty. At that point, i started to cry. He told me there really weren't many other options - i told him i guess aside from no-fault, this was the only other thing that was really appropriate. He said "you have to put everything down." I didn't respond to that...just gonna wait until i get my copy. Then, he tells me, "look, don't obsess over it." To that, i kind of laughed. He said, "never mind, scratch that." Overall, it was a pleasant conversation. He apologized that this was happening. I told him that i was sorry too, but that i didn't think he believed me - he said he knew i was sorry, but couldn't change what happened. So, that was about it. He wasn't feeling well (thinks he has the flu - serves him right), so he didn't think he would make it to many of the meetings today, and to call him if i wanted to talk more.
I did feel better after talking to him. And i am hoping that he is agreeable to changing the grounds for D. I am not looking forward to having a fight about that, as well as deciding if i am going to file a counter-claim - i really didn't want it to get very messy and nasty.
Flutter - there is a part of me that knows that i have to take more of a stand and stop being his safety net. He knows that when he needs me, i am there - all the time. And when he can't find me, or if i am not acting how i usually do, it sends him into a tailspin. I know that it would be healthier for me to limit the contact that we have, but it is so hard b/c we still do have this connection that is undeniable. And he is my best friend.
I read Dobson's book - its very good, says a lot of the same things as DR. The Dobson letter you are referring to might be an example of a letter in the book (you might not have gotten to that part yet). The letter is basically an "LRT" letter. I have thought about writing one to my H, but i don't think i would be able to stick to it - i'm too weak.
Anyway, i am going to try to let go of the language that was in the papers, for now at least. I can't do anything about it until i get my copy anyway. And i am going to stop attaching my meaning to my H's actions - it really isn't healthy. I have to believe that he did love me, and maybe still does. It is terribly painful, but focusing on things that may not even be true is not helpful.
Thanks again for your feedback. I think you said you are in Jersey City - i am in Bergen County, so we aren't far from each other. Perhaps we can figure out some place to meet, even if its just for coffee or something. Let me know.
When my H and I started talking sensibly again about our R, we started talking about our feelings etc etc. He was asking me about how I felt about my BF and I was saying I didnt know what I felt and to do etc etc. Anyway he turned round and said to me
' dont ask me for advice'. I am the worlds worst person to ask for advice at the moment. I dont even know whats going on in my own head at the moment, and every day I feel different and think I want something, then next day I want something else'.......
This is from a guy who is going through to same stuff as your H....
And its true....
They dont know what they want at the moment, they are confused / mixed up and feel differently every day... MLC in men!! I have learnt to not take to heart anything they say at the moment...
Thank you c1t- I have tried to remind myself of that. But, i also have to prepare myself for the reality of what is happening. My H has been taking steps to end our M: first, our settlement agreement, then putting the house on the market, now filing for D. There is very little room left. But, i can't change it, not on my own at least. My H has the power to fix this, if he really wanted to. I will continue to have some hope, but i also know that i need to be prepared.
Something else happened last night that bothered me. I was at my house, checking on our cats, and something made me look in my H's dresser, in a drawer where he kept all of the cards i have ever given him. For some reason, i felt like they weren't there anymore. So, i looked. And i was right - they were gone. And it upset me so much. Of course i attached my own negative meaning to it. But, i had to remind myself - do i have every card he has given me in a drawer? No, i don't. So, maybe it was just too painful for him to see them everytime he opened his drawer and he has put them someplace else. I hope so. I hope he didn't throw them out. That would just kill me.
He might have moved them.....it might be too painful for him to look at. When we sold our house I gave my H some stuff including some wedding photos etc and he told me to keep hold of them coz he found it too painful to look at them...
I know its hard...... Even now, after how far I have come I still have days when I could easily just get hold of my H and tell him how I feel, and ask him why he cannot give up OW for me, does he not think enough about me?? But I dont - coz I already know the answers and i no if i did it would not help the situation...
Just keep being strong and try as hard as you can to GAL as much as possible. It is the only way to make yourself feel better..
