c1t- It is some consolation that you and your H have been separated for almost 2 years...not that i wish for you to go through this, but i kind of felt like i was in the minority, being separated for so long.
As i said to GH, i know that GALing makes perfect sense and will do wonders for my emotional health. But, i really have no one to do things with. And i am not the type of person that feels comfortable doing things on my own and making friends. God, this sucks so bad. I just can't help thinking about all of the things he said about me to his lawyer...horrible. Interesting, guess i am not that cruel, as he is still able to ML to me.
Thanks again c1t...i am going to try to catch up on your sitch.
Look, I would never expect you to be able to GAL or anything like it right now. You have to get past the emotions first, and that will take time, but the sooner the better. As for the friends thing, I TOTALLY understand. I am in the same boat. All my friends are either married with busy lives or single and not in my life anymore. It would take me a long time to establish some kind of life that didn't center around my work, but it could be done. You are not wallowing, you are feeling, and feelings come and go. I know you will do more than try. Look, this doesn't comfort me much either but I will throw it out to you. How many people here that DID get a D say how horrible their lives are now? Um, none that I know of. Think about that...
Thanks GH...i keep waiting for the pain to subside, but it just doesn't. After 15 months (more actually), i am just so tired of being miserable. One day, i hope to start enjoying my life again. Right now, that doesn't seem possible. But, i have to believe that i deserve to be happy.
I did some research on divorce in nj. One website said that i should have received a letter from my H's attorney, stating that they had been retained - i didn't get any such letter. Another site, which had a lot of great information, states that once the plantiff files the complaint with the court, the court will mark it as "filed" and send it back to the plantiff's attorney. At that time, I will be served. There are different ways to be served, but it seems like it might be through the sheriff's office - i am hoping that this can be avoided...that is really the last thing that i want. I was concerned about contesting, but it seems as if i will have an opportunity to admit or deny the claims that he is making, and file a counterclaim. I will definitely deny many of the things, but i don't know if i will file a counterclaim. I think it would have been a lot easier if he had just waited and filed in May for "no-fault." Actually, he could have filed sooner, if we fudged the dates of when we originally separated. I would have preferred to do that, then read all the horrible things he said about me. Anyway, i am wondering, after his attorney receives the document that the complaint was filed, if they will notify him, and if he can hold off on notifying me. I have to read the information i got more closely to see if there is a timeline for when i must be served. I keep hoping that maybe there will be time for him to reconsider. Or maybe i am just in denial...i don't know. I do know that i am in pain.
More info: Once the complaint has been filed with the court and returned to my H's attorney, it is recommended that he serve me as soon as possible. However, it seems as if there is a 4 month grace period - the court can dismiss the case if i am not served within 4 months of filing the complaint. And, i don't have to be served by the sheriff's office. If my H thinks that i will cooperate when served, it can be done via mail. So, i guess i have some time before i am served. I imagine that the courts received the complaint yesterday. It then must be filed (who knows how long that takes) and sent to my H's attorney. I guess i have at least this week. I just hope that my denying some of his charges doesn't turn this into some big nasty mess. But, he has to think that i wouldn't agree to what he wrote...what is wrong with him?
But, is it me, or does it seem odd that my H is professing all kinds of things to me, and is doing this simultaneously? Provided that he is not a sociopath, which i refuse to believe, i think this behavior is, at the very least, confusing. Could it be that the ow wanted proof that he is going through with it? No, that is kind of expensive proof. I don't get it.
I wanted to say this earlier but don't discount the role the lawyer may be playing in this. All the things he said about you may be things that lawyer thought important to build his case around. Maybe he was reluctant to put these things in but was convinced to do so. Who knows, but whatever the case, here you are. I know if it were me filing for D, it would get VERY ugly because I would have to put things in the papers that I would never in a million years WANT to say about my W to the outside world, but they are things that would make my case stronger, and hers weaker, and in the courtroom, that's all that matters. Just another take on things...
Thanks GH- I did think about the lawyer's role in the whole thing...that he/she is trying to build a case in my H's favor. It seems like, when someone files for D based on extreme cruelty, there are numerous sub-categories (i.e. financial, personal hygiene, demeanor, affection, etc.) in which to include instances of extreme cruelty. So, if the attorney went through these categories with my H and asked him specific questions like "did your W ever do this" and my H said "yes" then it would be included. The thing is, it didn't have to be this way. We already have a Separation Agreement, dividing all of our assets and belongings, so it's not like the things in the D papers will matter in terms of a financial settlement. He could have waited a few more months (like 2 1/2) and filed for no-fault. I don't even know if my H saw the papers before they were filed...i guess he must have. It seems as if he saw an attorney towards the end of January. The other thing that bothers me is that he never told me that he did so. I had asked him months ago to let me know when he saw an attorney and filed so that i would be prepared, and that i didn't want to get an email from him or just get the papers. He said he would never do that. Umm, apparently he would. He can't actually think that i will agree to what he put - besides the things being hurtful, there are things that are just not true.
Quote: He said he would never do that. Umm, apparently he would. He can't actually think that i will agree to what he put - besides the things being hurtful, there are things that are just not true.
Um, I suppose he told you early on in your life together that he would cheat on you and leave your marriage too? Sorry to be harsh, and I have the SAME problem holding onto things I THOUGHT I knew about my W and what she could/would do. They are NOT the people we thought they were. If they ever were those people, they are not now. You can't believe what he says anymore. Maybe you can't believe anything he's said for a long time. It hurts like hell to think that, but it also may help you get to where YOU need to be in terms of now doing for YOU what YOU need to do in all this. Be well and have faith.
You're right GH - he never told me that he would cheat on me and want to D me. So, this shouldn't surprise me. The thing is, and i do have a very hard time with this, if he can be so deceitful about this, what else has he deceived me about? And then i start wondering if he ever loved me. He will tell me that i was the love of his life. And there are times now when he does act like he cares for me - going to the doctor with me, making sure that i eat. So, its hard to put those things together. I don't want to believe that he never loved me or cared about me. I know NYS would tell me that i am attaching my own meaning, and that him not loving me is not a fact, but rather something that i have imagined in my head. It is just so hard, b/c he will say and do things that indicate that maybe he is confused and ambivalent about D. And then this. I feel so stupid. And naive. How could i not have seen it? Why did i let myself get caught up in the man that i married? I just don't understand this...i probably never will. The fact is that I don't want to get D. Why doesn't that matter?
So sorry for your sitch....it is so painful for any of us to be here, but to see the end result in the wings is another.
Perhaps you shouldn't be looking at the impending D as necessarily an end of everything. Of course you're questioning everything at this point, but like you said, you are attaching your own meaning to it. Yes, there was a time when he loved you and possibly still does. The point is, that isn't where he is right at this particular moment. Does that mean he never will be? No. Does this mean the end? Again, no.
I know its hard to put a positive spin on these things, but don't accept that it is the finality that it is suggested to be. Keep working on bettering yourself, become a better person. You've stuck through so much, you deserve it.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
