Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy There's not enough room in this world for my pain

You're right, NYS, I don't have a clear understanding of detachment. I read the stuff from coping.org when you posted that link to hope...and while, intellectually i understand it, internalizing it is another story.

I mean, lets say your spouse gets fired, you're not gonna be running around, jumping for joy, being all happy. No, you're gonna feel for him or her, and be sad right along with him or her.

Well, to address your example, no, you don't HAVE to be sad right along with them. I think for me, mirroring my W's emotional state has caused me to be weak and unable to be there for her when she most needed me. I now realize that empathizing and validating does NOT require us to BE in their same emotional state.
This was a HUGE revelation to me. Now that I understand this, I am better able to understand my W's emotions from a place that still lets me fully function and help her through it (well, that is if she wants my help).
I can't say that there will never be a time when I am going to mirror my W's emotions again, but I will try not to. I think it helps.

GH

I would merely echo GH's observations. The point is not to be a mirror of their emotions. You can understand that they are having such emotions, but you can't do anything to make it better for them (hey, its not your job!) and you can empathize with them.

This is a major goal for me as well, I'm only coming to understand it more fully. Now I need to practice what I preach!

Imdi,

I was just going to comment on how your life becomes intertwined with your H but I see that thought is so 15 minutes ago.

Anyway, I was thinking last night that what I really miss besides my H as my friend is human touch. Not touch in a sexual way, but things like sleeping next to someone, hugs, hand-holding. I've never been a touchy-feely person (usually I hate hugs and need wide personal space) but now that I have none I'm craving it. My H was touchy-feely to the point that it made me claustrophobic.

I'm not sure what my point is, but it seems like if we find ways to have needs that our H had been meeting met elsewhere, it will be easier for us to drop the rope. Sure our WASs were able to meet most of our needs in one nice package. Instead consider that we're shopping at many different specialty stores for those same things (or things that are even nicer) it's just a little more work.

Sorry my brain is a little frazzled today. I hope this all made sense.


SuperStressed

Thanks GH and PArob-
Okay, so maybe that wasn't a good example. I am just finding it hard to do all of this. I am having a very difficult time internalizing the concept of detaching. I guess i will just have to keep reading about it.

Imdi,

I found that in reading about detachment, there are several, wide reaching definitions for what it is and how to do it. For me, and this happened when NYS posted to my thread, I had to find ONE that resonated with me. One that I could understand in my brain and heart and then just work on implementing it. For me, reading more about it only confused the issue.

GH

Hey SS-
I understand what you are feeling...missing that human contact with someone. I have prayed to just have one more night to sleep next to my H. Its been so long, i have forgotten what it feels like to wake up next to someone. And i miss it.

I was thinking yesterday how a part of me is just hoping for a resolution, b/c this limbo just sucks. And in thinking about that, i realized how terrified i am of the feelings that will come about when the D happens. I wish i could just wake up, and it would be a year from now, and i will have already gone through all the pain. I am not looking forward to the emotions that will come with the acknowledgement that my M is over.

I can not beleive how so different people can be, My situation is so similar to yours it is scary. Difference, I the H had an affair, it was purely a physical affair, I would see OW every couple of weeks for a couple hours and then leave, W found out last Feb, and we began to work it out then this past weekend, after I think maybe the past 8 months of our 20 year marriage she packs up takes halve the house while Im away and leaves, I wish my wife was half as open minded as you, I have tried and tried to convince her otherwise, but my valentine call was "I say a lawyer yesterday and you will get the seperation papers in a couple of days, ok, CYA hangs up. And here I am a bundle of nerves trying to figure ways to keep her, I even sent her an email with alink to this site and she replied, "Not interested, nothing yuo say can or will change my mind.

I truly hope that you get what yuo so deserve, I applaud your willingness to forgive and look for way to make things better, You will be in my thoughts and best of luck
Mike

Thank you Mike-
I have been willing to forgive my H...if only he was willing to work on our M. The thing is, he won't even admit to the A, which is probably the most frustrating part. For me, the lying is much worse than the actual A.

Could it be that your W is reacting to the anniversary of when she found out about the A? I will try to read more about your sitch. You should read "Surviving Infidelity." It helps the betrayed spouse, as well as the one who did the cheating. Reading it might help you understand what your W might be feeling.

Give it some time. She may just need to sort through some things on her own...allow her to do that.

I hope that things do work out for you. Thank you so much for keeping me in your thoughts...that is very sweet. Take care of yourself.

Thank You, curious was there something that you read to gain that much ability to forgive. Wow,
You really do deserve what you want.
Let me know how you are doing ok
Mike