Lancer...it is all within your grasp if you let go and let Him do his works...it is such a juxtapositional statement to get what you want just by letting it be but this truly what happens...the breakthrough is letting go right down to your soul...you cant fake it and have to go all the way through with it...GAL and truly detaching allows you to do this and the rest is up to your relationship with Him to take over and get it done...
The worst thing you can do is lay in a pool of anxiety and fear D...what you fear will become reality the more you fear it...that is not my opinion but those smarter than me who have observed human behavior over many many years...one of those specifically was my advisor who goes unmentioned on these boards...he was right and this helped me detach...
Sounds like you took a giant step this past weekend...now GAL of your own and truly detach and watch what happens!! Stay strong and resolute in your purpose which right now should be doing what is best for YOU!!
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads...=5&o=31&fpart=1
Quote: "Marriage Fitness," by Mort Fertel. I read this book and it is awesome. It will help you develop a close oneness with your wife. Begin reading it now. Marcus.Henry@asu.edu
Marcus...thanks for your post and reminder on the book...just ordered it and should have it in a few days...my W will probably read it too after me...
I do want to talk to you tonight and plan on giving you a call...I think your wife is probably in the testing stage...kind of peaking her head out to see if it is safe...you have to respect her when she does this...it takes alot of courage on her part to try and see if you have changed...great risk to her...so honor and respect it and maybe you wont flake out and revert when she does take a peak...I know it was extremely hard for me when my W decided to take a look at me...I flaked badly a number of times which, if you know my sitch, led to extended periods of darkness...I was the King of Dark for a while...a title that I didnt want but probably needed...
The bottom line Marcus is that women, because they are wonderfully emotional due to their higher communicative receptors, love deeper than us...when they get hurt in love they get hurt deeper as a result...it takes them longer to heal...when you look at this all like that and see them taking a look at the man they love you have to admire, respect and stand in awe of their courage...it is unimaginable to us as men...hopefully this puts it in a perspective that helps you manage those tough times when she does put you through the test...
Talk to you later Marcus...stay strong!!
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads...=5&o=31&fpart=1
Thanks so much for the reply TG. Indeed, I've been detached all this time in all the 'visible' ways but deep down...not the case. Outwardly, I've been a DB champ...and it's gotten me precisely nowhere. I think over the past 24 hours I've come MUCH closer to truly letting go, and letting God. Keep up the good work.
"When you're going through hell...keep going." -Sir Winston Churchill
Lancer...I think you have the answer...you definitely know what has to be done and this is the hardest part...truly detaching all the way down to your being and soul...to do otherwise is only fooling yourself...you have got the idea now go to it and watch what happens!! GAL, Detach and get in close with your Maker...it does wonders to release your anxiety too...just watch...
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads...=5&o=31&fpart=1
The biggest part of 'letting go' is letting go of my fear of D. That just occurred to me. I'm going to be doing a lot of prayer and meditiation after work tonight...
"When you're going through hell...keep going." -Sir Winston Churchill
Excellent Joe. I'll be home tonight reading and waiting for your telephone call. I am anxious to speak to you. If you any good e-books, please let me know.
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
that's amazing! you almost had me crying, how wonderful!!
Yes, detaching is the only way to bring out the real confident you who can wait out for WAS without despair. I think i've detached 99%, just now and then I ask myself if I should be waiting out any longer. My H still has major issues and is getting used to taking paxil and Adderall, which adds an interesting mix to the sitch.
We did go out for V day yesterday (he can't come tomorrow) we had a great time, much better than our anniversary dinner. There was no R talk at all, I was debating between saying something or not. Last week he told me he still felt detached and empty, not able to give anything to himself or others.
God is keeping me strong, I pray that one day I can be as happy as you and have my H back, that I hold out long enough.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
One Wish...I will talk to you later...I can call you as early as 7PM Eastern if that works for you...
Lancer and Cat...I am so joyful about my sitch now and I am caught between trying to help and having God teach me a lesson I will never forget if He thinks I am a know it all or having Him maybe use me as an instrument of happiness for others...with that said, I can tell you what worked for me in a sitch which was darker for a longer period of time than nearly any others on this board as recent as a few weeks ago...it was deprivation dark, an abolute and total darkness...
One has to find it within themselves to "lean into" their fears...confront it and look D or anything in life squarely in the eyes...resolve yourself that you are not only going to defeat it but you will destroy it so badly that it will never have a chance to touch you...sort of like the way the Yankees (can you tell I love the Yankees??) play the seventh game of the World Series...they dont go into the game fearing defeat and even if they are down ten runs going into the ninth inning they still think they are going to rally and destroy the other team...
The only way to have that resolve is to detach and GAL...most of the deepest inner fortitude for me came through prayer...that was the most powerful piece...it took it to the next level and beyond...
Even now I am so contented and at peace with my W that I dont bring up R talk...I dont feel a need to...I have no burning issues that I have to talk about...dont get me wrong...I am not whipped and I am not always agreeing but there is a level of good will and contentment between us that supercedes any feeling of need for her or I...it is just a natural "flow" free of anxiety or worry...it is truly incredible!!
Well, off to a dinner appointment...be back in a couple of hours...stay strong folks, have faith in yourselves and Him...it will all work out according to His will!!
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads...=5&o=31&fpart=1
Your story gives me hope. We have been separated for 13 months, but have never spent a long period of time where we didn't talk or even "date" until before the holidays. Then everything seemed to fall apart. I think becuase I am getting impatient waiting for him to "come around". He is always "too busy" with work, golf, whatever. I have been the one to read books, counseling, etc. I think that he cares, he is just "emotionally retarded". After the holidays I had finally had enough and told him that Jan 1st was my deadline for some progress to be shown. He did call me, but didn't say anything about my deadline or offer any words of encouragement of his commitment to me. I went to a lawyer, and as a result have a court date on 2/15 to establish child support and maintenance. I am freaking out, this isn't what I want but I don't know what else to do. Maybe he'll never get it! I had written him a note for Valentines Day telling him that I married him forever, and that I didn't want to go through the rest of my life without him (we have been married 25 years, dated before that for 7 years - since I was 14)we have three wonderful children, one who is getting married herself, in October, another in college and one left in high school. I think that I need to take the approach, "to detach and pray". We both go regularly to church, our kids have all gone to catholic schools. So the family/marriage teachings are all around us, I just don't understand how he has let it fall apart, by not doing what he needs to do. I am so afraid that after the court date on 2/15 that he will dig his heels in further and our marriage will never mend. I know in my head that I can't force this, but my heart is breaking thinking that this may be doing more damage. I had to do something though, the stress this limbo is causing me is starting to be unbearable. any advice on how to detach?
