Again, hugs to you and a shoulder to cry on. I was going to post this earlier but NYs beat me to it. It might do you a world of good to seek out a therapist right now. You have been knocked with a load of #@*#@##!!!! on top of the ten months or so of agony you've already lived through. A therapist might be able to help you steer through this. Please use the number NYs has given you.
flaneur, Good to see you. Thank you. I will consider calling someone to talk. Right now I'm just leaning on my family. They are a lot of support. I feel gutted. There is no other way to describe it. Everything has been ripped out.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I really don't want to go dark anymore. I need to talk to him and see what he has to say. And we need to discuss what we are going to do, how to proceed... I see now that my H. is not going to change his mind. He does not want to continue this marriage. Perhaps some of the reasons why will be part of what he wants to tell me in person.
Actually, NYS, I think the questions would haunt me more than the answers. I don't expect that what he has to tell me is going to be easy to hear, but I need to hear it.
I think you feel you need to hear it, yes, yet it will rock you further, just like this recent revelation has. You're setting yourself up for more hurt.
So here's a thought for you, why not contact the PK Center, get something set up with them in which H is invited to participate. That way, your Q&A sessions can be conducted under the care of a therapist who will be there for you, rather than going through this single-handedly and putting yourself through even more torment?
And who knows? This may also provide a "back door" approach to your H to see his own issues.
NY S, That is an outstanding idea, but I have to tell you that I don’t think H. would go. I can ask him, but I can’t force him. I had told him in Jan. that if he wanted a D., before we consulted lawyers I ask that he go to see a marriage counselor with me. Nothing happened either way but maybe now he might be open to the idea. I will see if he is willing, but I seriously doubt he will go. But, thank you for the idea.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope- NYS does have a good idea re: the therapy. Perhaps if you don't phrase it as "marriage counseling" he might be willing to go. You could look at it as an "emotional mediation." If you 2 choose to go to a mediator to work out your financial issues, it might be best to have all of the emotional stuff out of the way, so to speak, in an effort to make that go more smoothly. The mediation will bring up a lot of issues and emotions on its own, without all of this other stuff hanging over your heads. Just a thought.
Hope honey that is just horrid. No one should have to face that, but you are strong and will survive. Remember that you are loved by a lot of people so make sure you lean on them, and ask for help when you need.
Just got caught up, and all I can say is that I'm so sorry to read about what you're going through. This will likely be the hardest thing you'll ever have to deal with, regardless of the outcome. Please just remember to take care of yourself and your feelings. Believe me, I know you're on a mission to find out the whole truth, but don't bite off more than you can chew. Give yourself time to digest what you know before you heap more on.
It's not that he'd agree to go to therapy or MC, it's that he'd more likely agree to attend a session or two of your individual therapy to help you out. That's how you would approach it.
Imdi & Kismet, Thanks for your thoughts and support. Right now I’m just trying to get through each hour without crying at work. It isn’t easy. I don’t know what the truth is, but I hope that he can finally be honest when we talk in person.
It’s very hard right now. The only way I can describe it is like seeing a picture or a vision of my H. that started out very clear and bright. Now, slowly, he is fading away little by little, each time I have a good cry. Someday I will look up and he will have vanished. What I thought I had with him was not real. It’s like a human mirage.
How I wish this was not happening to us. For some reason I do not feel like getting a divorce is going to make either H. or I feel any better at all. I know I won’t feel better, and I can’t see him feeling relief, either (like spitfire explained so well above). But it seems the only way to proceed. I mean, honestly, what else can I do? He insists he does not want to come back. I just feel very helpless, because all I wanted to do was save our marriage and H. put every obstacle in the way.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
